10 Ways I Was Kind to Myself This Week

The theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week (MHAW) is kindness. In a recent article I described sixteen ways we can bring more kindness into our lives, including being kind to ourselves. I’d like to share a few ways I’ve been kind to myself in the past week.

1. Boundary Work

Kindness isn’t always easy, whether it’s showing kindness to others, accepting it from others, or being kind to yourself. Kindness isn’t fluffy, soppy, or superficial. At its heart, kindness is about honesty, respect, and maintaining healthy boundaries. I’ve done a lot of work this week on my boundaries, to see which are truly important and protect me from harm, and which are walls my ego has erected to defend an inflated sense of self-worth. It’s tough work but I feel I’m making progress, with the help of friends I trust to be honest with me. That’s kindness in action, right there.

2. A Time to Celebrate

I’ve written elsewhere how important it is to recognise our successes and achievements. You may not think there’s much to celebrate at the moment, living as we are through the coronavirus pandemic. It might even feel inappropriate, but there has never been a greater need for celebration. My friend Vikki and I celebrated two years of friendship last week. Ordinarily, we might have met in person for drinks and a meal. That’s out of the question for now but we got together on a video call to drink a toast (or several!) to our friendship and to celebrate her success landing a new job.

3. A Trip Down Memory Lane

A few days ago I helped Fran select some of her favourite travel photos for a slide show evening she’s planning with friends. I don’t have any such plans myself but I treated myself by looking back over my photographs from the past few years. It brought back loads of memories — and a few tears!

4. Movie Night

Fran and I watch a lot of movies and dramas together on our Skype calls (NCIS is a real favourite). A few days ago she suggested Guardians of the Galaxy. To be honest, I wasn’t keen. It’s not something I’d normally watch. I was feeling really low that day and couldn’t think of anything else to suggest, so we put it on. It turned out to be exactly what I needed. The action and humour helped me forget what was going on with me for a while. We’re watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 now!

5. Reaching Out

When we are struggling it’s not always easy to reach out to someone for support. No matter how much we trust someone, it takes energy to open up and share what is going on for us — and handle the response. Keeping things inside isn’t always healthy, though, and I’m proud to say I let friends know I was struggling this week and allowed them to be there for me.

6. Treat Myself

If you asked how I like to treat myself I’d probably say spending time with friends, whether in person (in the dim and distant pre-coronavirus past!) or online. I’ve been more than blessed on that score this week, but when I was at the supermarket the other day I decided to indulge one of my guilty pleasures — and bought myself a loaf of olive bread. I’ve been known to eat an entire loaf of olive bread on my walk back from the store, but this time it did make it home intact! I ate some (okay maybe half) for my evening meal with a range of cheeses and a bottle of McEwan’s Champion ale. Now that’s what I call a treat!

7. Creative Journaling

I made time this week to do some creative work in my Traveler’s notebooks. I hand-stamped some stickers and completed a couple of pages to mark recent significant moments. I’ve also spent time in a number of Facebook groups for Traveler’s Notebook fans. Two of my favourites are Midori Traveler’s Notebook (genuine or bust) which is a private group, Cafe Journaling (public), and Midori Traveler’s Notebook Customization Group (private). These and similar groups are a delight to me. People share their notebooks, page spreads, and ideas with no hint of ego. There’s a wonderful sense of shared interest and passion, and a complete absence of argument or disagreement. It is an act of self-kindness to spend time browsing the content and gently connecting with like-minded folk all over the world.

8. Window Shopping

I haven’t indulged in any extravagant purchases since we entered lockdown but that doesn’t mean I’ve not been window shopping! A few times this week I set other concerns aside to continue my search for the perfect every day carry (EDC) bag! It’s very expensive (USD 249; approx GBP 205) and a little larger than I need, but my current crush is the Wotan Trooper bag (medium size). A man can dream!

9. Permission to Feel

A few years ago Fran and I took Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly online workshop. One of the first activities was to write one or more “permission slips” for the course. I wrote three, including one which has stood me in good stead ever since.

I give myself permission to fully experience whatever comes up during this time, knowing I am safe.

I copied it into my travel journal when I accompanied Fran (virtually) on her month-long trip to Mexico in 2018. You can read my account of that trip here. It helped me this past week to acknowledge all I was feeling — a mix of emotions including hurt, regret, inadequacy at work and as a friend, frustration, and anger (directed mostly at myself) — without self-judgment or self-pity getting in the way. It's an important stage in processing any strong emotions and is the first step in the four-step process Fran and I use a lot: “Feel it. Claim it. Love it. Let it go.” (I have written about that process several times including here.)

10. I Am Enough

I sometimes feel that I’m not a good enough friend, that I’m not supporting people as best I could, that I’m not being true to myself in my writing and blogging, that I’m always getting things wrong, and so on. An article I read this week — What It Means to Be Enough by Melissa Camara Wilkins — reminded me that it’s okay to be less than perfect.

You are enough does not mean that you have to be self-sufficient. It doesn’t mean that you don’t need anyone or anything else. It means you understand how much you do need, how small you are in this great grand universe — and that you don’t have to be even one inch bigger than that.

You are enough absolutely does not mean that you never need help. When you know you are enough, it’s easier to ask for help. It’s easier to admit your weaknesses. You know that your imperfections and your difficulties don’t reflect on your worth, because you are already enough, just as you are.

Taken together with several important conversations with friends this week, Melissa’s article (I urge you to read it all) helped me be kind to myself. It helped me see that I’m doing okay. I can and will work to improve, to learn, to grow. But right now, I am me. I am enough. And that’s all I ever need to be.

Mental Health Awareness Week

Mental Health Awareness Week (18–24 May 2020) is the UK’s national week to raise awareness of mental health and mental health problems and inspire action to promote the message of good mental health for all. It has been run by the Mental Health Foundation since 2001. There are lots of ways you can take part. Visit the official FAQ and Resources pages for details, and sign up for the email newsletter.

 

Ten Ways to Turn a Bad Day Around

There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a bad day. It’s natural, I would even say healthy, for our mood to fluctuate in response to whatever is going on around us. On the other hand, no one wants to stay stuck in a rut.

Here are ten techniques I use when I’m having a rough day. Several of them feature in my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP).

It’s worth saying these are not fixes or solutions for anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions although they might form part of a person’s wellness toolbox. They help me weather the ups and downs of life and I offer them on that basis.

1. Go for a Walk

I’ve written elsewhere about how important walking is to my wellbeing. It’s my go-to strategy when things are getting me down. Walking allows me to acknowledge whatever feelings are present for me, experience them, and then let them go. I sometimes use the “hot coals” technique I learned from Fran. I close my hand at my chest, taking hold of whatever feeling I wish to release. I extend my hand to the side and open it, palm down as I walk on. As silly as it might sound, it works. Try it next time you are feeling stuck.

2. Talk with a Friend

I’m fortunate to have a small number of friends I can turn to if I need to share what’s going on for me. I don’t find it easy to be vulnerable but with these few people I feel safe enough to be myself, knowing they will listen without judgement. There are few personal skills more important and healthy than the art of listening.

3. Write It Out

Writing features prominently in my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). Apart from our two books and my blogging I’ve kept a daily journal since I was fourteen years old. For most of that time I wrote my diary each evening for the previous day. More recently I’ve started capturing my thoughts in the morning and at various times throughout the day. This means my diary is more of an in-the-moment account of how I’m feeling than an historic account of “how I felt yesterday.” Although journaling is an important part of my wellness regime I occasionally find myself trapped in an unhealthy cycle of introspection. To break the pattern I might challenge myself not to write any more about a certain person or situation until something specific changes.

4. Distract Yourself

Distraction is a core strategy of Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT); others are self-soothing, improving the moment, and pros and cons. My friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson has written extensively about distraction in a DBT context on her blog I’m NOT Disordered. According to Aimee,

Distraction can include writing and other creative activities, reading, beauty treatments, really anything that can take your attention away from what is bothering you. It is important not to overuse this or it can become avoidance.

I find distraction techniques help when I’m feeling stuck or overwhelmed, especially if other approaches aren’t working. Recently I’ve distracted myself by listening to the BBC News channel when I’m at work or at home in the evening. I can understand that for many people the barrage of world affairs might be upsetting or triggering but it stops me obsessing about things that are troubling me. Music can have a similar effect although I’m careful what I choose to listen to in case it exacerbates how I’m feeling rather than providing relief.

5. Escape for a Bit

Escape is similar to distraction except that the intention is to consciously set the difficult situation aside and find comfort and solace elsewhere for a while. Movies and television shows work well for me, especially when Fran and I watch DVDs or Netflix together online. For an hour or two we can put everything on hold and immerse ourselves in whatever we are watching. This doesn’t fix things but it allows time for my emotions and thoughts to settle and for fresh ideas to emerge. Taking a break from social media can have the same effect.

6. Reward Yourself

I’ve written elsewhere how important it is to recognise and celebrate our successes. That said, when I’m low or upset it’s hard to believe I’m worthy of reward because my default is to blame myself for whatever’s gone wrong. My friend Jen reminded me that no matter what’s happening I can take responsibility and reward myself for that.

What about playdates, Marty? Do you have playdates with yourself? Take yourself to a movie, or to dinner, or to a good bookstore?

This doesn’t work too well if my underlying mood is very low; rather than celebrate I’m likely to spend the time brooding. But if I’ve begun to shift things using some of the other techniques, treating myself can help move me forward.

7. Find Solid Ground

When I’m overwhelmed it can be hard to find a stable point of reference. Paying attention to my day-to-day routine helps but it’s not always enough to get me to a place where I feel grounded and secure. When other techniques fail I sometimes attempt to “jolt myself” back to a time or place when I felt more stable. Music from a particular period in my life can work, as can looking through old photographs or reading my journal from years ago. The aim is to get my feet under me again and then return to the present to face whatever is going on from that place of stability and safety.

8. Change Something

Changing even one small aspect of your situation can affect how you feel. When I’m low or stressed I take less interest in my appearance. Sorting out a nice shirt and my favourite tweed jacket in the morning can be all it takes to shift my mood in a positive direction. Get out of the house if you’ve been stuck inside. Try a different café or even a different table at your regular place. Drive or walk an alternate route to work or to the store. Talk to someone other than the people you usually turn to.

9. Accept How It Is

Despite having all the techniques at your fingertips, sometimes nothing can turn the day around. Processing, talking, escaping, distracting, rewarding — they all take time, energy, and focus and sometimes you just can’t. All you can do is accept you’re having a rubbish day and handle it as safely as you can. Cry, scream, grumble, isolate — whatever it takes to get you through. The very act of “giving up” can help shift your mood. It may not, but it’s worth a try.

10. Go to Bed!

If you’ve made it to the evening — or even the middle of the afternoon — and things are still looking grim, sometimes the best option is to turn your back on the rest of the day and turn in. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe things will look different in the morning.

I’ve shared some of the techniques I use to turn the day around. What works for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences and ideas!

 

For the Win! Celebrate Your Successes in Your Own Way

As I wrote recently one of the things I’ve learned from fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson is to celebrate every achievement and make the most of each moment because you don’t necessarily know what’s coming up next.

I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve realised there’s more to celebrating our successes than I’d ever imagined.

A Thing Worth Celebrating

It might seem obvious that we tend to celebrate good, happy, positive things. We celebrate things that are special, infrequent, or unusual; and we celebrate big things more than we celebrate little things.

What’s perhaps less obvious is that there’s an unofficial list of “good, special, big” things which are deemed successes worth celebrating. The list includes:

• Graduating from school or college
• Becoming engaged or married
• Becoming pregnant
• The birth of a child
• A new job or promotion
• Moving into a new home

This is fine if it fits with our aspirations, desires, and abilities but what if it doesn’t? If we are not ticking those boxes, by choice or otherwise, we can be left feeling outside the norm. Worse, we can end up feeling a failure for not succeeding in the right ways. As a friend put it to me, “the Western world puts a lot of emphasis on accomplishments.” Maybe there’s a different way to think about what success means and how we go about celebrating it.

Marking the Waypoints

Most of the things on the list are big enough to stand as destinations on our journey through life, but we rarely arrive at them in a single bound. We’ve usually been working towards them for some time, often with considerable sacrifice or effort.

We can lighten the journey by acknowledging waypoints or stopping places along the road. These may not be things others would consider worth celebrating, but that’s no reason not to!

Surprised by Joy

Life sometimes surprises us with things we were never looking for or could not have anticipated. Maybe we meet someone who becomes a close friend or partner, or we learn something that moves or delights us. Maybe it’s a song we hear for the first time, or a joke shared with a friend. Sometimes it is joy, pure and simple. These might not count as successes because we have not worked towards them or “earned” them, but are moments worthy of celebrating!

Celebrate Your Failures

It might seem perverse to suggest celebrating failure but learning to reframe our “failures” as successes (lessons) can lead us to new ways of thinking about and doing things. It’s that reframing that’s worth celebrating. We generally experience more “failures” than “successes” too, so there’s plenty of opportunity to give it a try!

Do It Your Way

But how exactly are we to celebrate? By convention, celebrations are fun, loud, and social — think office and family parties, organised events, meals or evenings out with friends. They can be expensive and often involve eating or drinking to excess.

That might work for us but it might not. With a little imagination we can find ways to celebrate that are meaningful to us. They are our achievements, after all!

I prefer to celebrate quietly on my own or with one or two friends; although Fran and I marked the cover reveal and official launch of our first book with live online events. For our book launch Fran also hosted a house party for friends.

How do you like to celebrate your achievements? Big? Little? Quiet? Loud? Leave a comment, we’d love to know!

“I Did This!”

To celebrate is to take ownership of your successes and say “Look, I did this!” It’s no small thing to take pride in ourselves, not least because there’s often resistance from people determined to rain on our parade. It is easy to become disillusioned but it’s important — and healthy — to celebrate our wins.

I was proud to speak at a recent corporate event at which our CEO was presented with the Time to Change Employer Pledge on behalf of the company. It was a team success but as Pledge Lead I gave myself permission to own it as a personal achievement too. I celebrated with a drink and a meal out on my own before heading home.

“You Did This!”

I’ve been unable to trace the author but this quotation says a lot to me about friendship, support, and celebration:

It is important to have friends who are proud of you when you get a new job or learn to bake or do big things but it is also important to have friends who are proud of you when you get out of bed and take a shower.

Having someone who understands your achievements and what they mean to you can certainly make a world of difference, as my friend Aimee posted recently on social media:

After almost every blog post, Martin is there telling me how much they meant to him. After every achievement, he is there telling me how proud he is.

Well, now it’s my turn! I’m a very proud bestie after all of his recent achievements at work!

So proud that I designed a meme for him!

Thank you, Aimee! I’ve never had a meme designed for me before!

Keep an Achievements List

It is easy to lose track of our successes when life is hectic or we are feeling low or overwhelmed. Consider keeping a list to look back on when you need reminding, or when you feel like treating yourself and want a valid reason! If you write one, a diary is an ideal place to explore what your successes mean to you, but keep a separate summary list or you will lose them in amongst the rest of your journaling.

Here are a few success suggestions. Perhaps some of them are relevant to you. What would you add to the list?

• Asking for help
• Taking your medication as prescribed
• Attending appointments
• Speaking up for yourself
• Being there for someone in need of help or kindness
• Taking time for self-care
• Saying no to something that doesn’t feel right to you
• Moving forward when you’ve been stuck
• Recognising you’re not ready to move forward yet and being okay with that

If you know someone who finds it hard to recognise their achievements, consider asking if you might keep a list on their behalf. I have done this for Fran on several occasions, most notably when she was traveling in Europe during the summer of 2013. Positives were few and far between but I kept a list of “Happy Moments” and emailed them to her every few weeks to remind her things were not quite as bleak as they appeared to her. I’ve done this for other friends on occasion.

Over to You

I asked a few people what success means to them.

Jen Evans:

As to the small wins I’d need to think about it. I do think about it daily ... for me right now, the small wins are walking my dog despite how I feel. Getting clothes washed ... things like that ... just routine stuff. A day when I write is a good day. But on a day like today ... getting anything done is a big deal. My high school buddy is in town so I will see her in the next two days. Oh and I cleaned the bathroom!! Win!! My buddy asked if she could use my shower ... so a very quick clean ... but still a win!

Roiben:

I find it hard to get up and dressed. I find it hard to clean my teeth, to shower, to wash my dishes and do my laundry. I push through to achieve these as often as I can. Sometimes I achieve it. Sometimes I don’t.

I celebrate those times I do, because those times I do are testament to the fact that I am still here, still alive and still going despite my body and mind doing their best to make this no longer the case.

Karen Manton:

Success to me is something that gives me that happy feeling of satisfaction. It is knowing I am doing the very best I can but most importantly I’m making a difference to the lives of others. I’m preparing to work with students very shortly at my local university and I am confident that will be a huge success to me. This will be celebrated by sharing my achievement with my loved ones.

Paul Saunders-Priem:

Success to me means getting the job done no matter whatever it is. I celebrate through first laughter, then food, walks and things like that.

Aimee Wilson:

For so long I blamed myself for everything bad in my life – I thought I had deserved all of it. So, moving into recovery with my mental health, I knew that had to change; I had to be able to treat myself well and allow myself to revel in my achievements and be happy about my successes in life. With that in mind, I was eager to contribute to this piece of Martin’s to take it as an opportunity to recognize my recent successes. There’s two I really wanted to talk about; the first seems small but is just as important as the second, bigger one!

Last year (2018) I began hearing a voice that told me to stop taking my medication with the belief that it was poisoned. Stopping my medication suddenly and without the knowledge of my support team ended up being hugely detrimental to my life and I put myself, and others, in danger a number of times until one time, I scared myself so much that I knew I had to take my meds again. So every day I go to my dosette box and peel back the little sticker to reveal the tablets that need to be taken, pour a glass of water, and swallow them? Well that’s an accomplishment. Some people might look on that and think that I shouldn’t be praised for doing what is expected of me but those people mustn’t comprehend how challenging fulfilling that expectation can be.

My second achievement recently has been getting my Digital Marketing Internship with Docere (an education recruitment company). I told everyone that I thought it was just what I needed to help me take my recovery a step further and some people were hesitant and worried that it’d be overwhelming for me but those people were soon silenced when I got the job and began working! Learning new things and doing something I love (such as marketing and publicity and all things social media) has been a huge motivation in my efforts to resist urges to self-harm.

What does success mean to you? How do you like to celebrate your wins? Leave a comment below — we’d love to hear from you!