Julie A. Fast on Kanye West, Bipolar Disorder, and Relationships

Kanye West’s recent public struggles with bipolar disorder have brought considerable attention to a condition which affects millions around the world.

One of our regular contributors Julie A. Fast wrote an article for Psychology Today called Is Kanye West Just a Grandiose, Attention-Seeking Rapper? in which she discussed the difference between bragging and grandiose mania/psychosis.

She was subsequently interviewed for US television on the topic of Kanye West and bipolar disorder. It’s worth reading the article before watching the video (below) as Julie mentions it regularly in her interview.

In the interview, Julie talks about herself, bipolar disorder and why it’s so hard for people like Kanye to get help, even with his wealth and resources. She also talks about the message that his wife Kim Kardashian posted on Instagram, from which the following is excerpted:

“Living with bi-polar disorder does not diminish or invalidate his dreams and his creative ideas, no matter how big or unobtainable they may feel to some. That is part of his genius and as we have all witnessed, many of his dreams have come true. We as a society talk about giving grace to the issue of mental health as a whole, however we should also give it to the individuals who are living with it in times when they need it the most. I kindly ask that the media and public give us the compassion and empathy that is needed so that we can get through this. Thank you for those who have expressed concern for Kanye's well-being and for your understanding.” (Kim Kardashian)

Author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, and Get it Done When You’re Depressed, Julie is well-placed to offer her perspective on the subject of romantic relationships and bipolar disorder:

• She has bipolar disorder and a psychotic disorder. She was originally diagnosed with bipolar disorder; later changed to schizoaffective disorder. When a person has bipolar disorder and a separate psychotic disorder, the diagnosis is more complex.
• Julie was in a relationship for ten years with a man who has bipolar I (bipolar 1 disorder).
• She wrote the first book ever for the partner of a person with a mental health disorder. Her book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner has sold over 400,000 copies and remains the #1 book for partners in the world.
• As you can tell from her Psychology Today article, she has been a fan of rap music since the 1980s!

Julie has guested on our blog several times and is a huge champion of our work. She was an original reviewer for our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder which opens with her words:

Friendship soothes the soul and provides hope for people with bipolar disorder and yet the illness creates unique challenges to the friendships we so desperately want and need. Marty and Fran specifically address these challenges in this bright, uplifting and brutally honest book. Filled with stories and practical tips, there is more laughter than sorrow as the reader learns to cultivate a loving, kind and caring friendship that transcends the illness and creates a lasting bond.

Julie often tells people that High Tide, Low Tide is one of the best books for siblings of people with bipolar disorder, as they don’t get the attention they need due to their sibling’s illness. We love working with her and are proud to know her as a friend as well as a valued contributor to Gum on My Shoe.

 

Bipolar Stability, Keeping It Silly and Moving Forward during the Coronavirus Pandemic

In this video best-selling mental health author Julie A. Fast talks about living life with bipolar disorder, a psychotic disorder, anxiety and a head injury during the coronavirus pandemic.

She shares how being silly and creative helps her get things done even when depression and anxiety make her want to isolate in her room in front of the television. She hopes that her hair bouquet makes you smile and brings some joy to your day.

Here are the additional links Julie mentions in her video:

• Super Strategies for Super Anxiety
• Ending Bipolar Depression Isolation
• Mania: Am I Having Too Much Fun?

Julie says, “I love Marty and Fran’s work. Their focus on friendship is life-changing. I love the newsletters and the posts from people around the world who remind me that I’m not alone. We are in this together.”

Julie is the author of Get it Done When You’re Depressed, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. You can find her on Facebook at Julie A. Fast and on Instagram @JulieFast.

 

How I Unplugged the Christmas Machine and Created Stable Holidays

By Julie A. Fast

I love Christmas. I like the music and the colors. I’m listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack as I write this! I love the food and the snow and the lights on the houses. It is not a religious holiday for me, but one that I associate with really good childhood memories and a lot of family events.

And yet, there is also the bipolar disorder side of Christmas. Bipolar is an illness triggered by change, even if the change is positive. I write about triggers in my book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder. For all of my adult life I’ve loved Christmas, but once my bipolar started in my late teens, I kept getting sick at this time of year.

It took me years to figure out why. My bipolar diagnosis at age 31 helped, but I still wasn’t able to handle the up and down emotions during the holiday season here in the States. (Please feel free to substitute the holiday you choose to celebrate.)

Even after my diagnosis and creating my management system I lived with very serious depression and paranoia for many years. No matter how hard I tried I could not stay stable during the holidays. Each year I would promise myself that the time between Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve — our biggest holiday celebrations in the United States — would not make me sick.

I usually failed.

Despite having plenty of people around me I had many lonely times. It was my own behavior and the illness itself that caused this. I knew I had to change if I wanted to have a positive time during the holidays. Here is what I’ve done over the past twenty years to make the holiday season a better experience. I won't lie to you and say that the holidays are easy. Nope! But they are SO much better than in the past and that creates happiness during an often stressful time.

1. Finances. I can’t keep myself stable and deal financially with supporting myself if I buy gifts during the holidays. I stopped giving gifts to adults over twenty years ago. I read a book called Unplug the Christmas Machine that changed my life. I give gifts to my nephew — and have done so for seventeen years — but adults and I have a different Christmas relationship now. It’s about being together, family, friends and good food. I simply can’t do the presents. No one has to do presents if they don’t want to! If presents are something you enjoy and if they are something you can afford, then go for it. But if you’re like me and the crowds and cost and pressure actually make you more ill and really affect your bank balance, you have permission to stop.

2. Say no if you need to. You can use the ideas in my previous post on saying no to explain to others that your choices are often far more about bipolar than what you as a person want to do. I want to say yes to most things, but there is no way I could stay stable if I said yes too much during the holidays. But (there is always this darn but with bipolar) I then feel lonely at having to say no in order to stay well. Finding that balance during the holidays is hard but I keep trying.

3. Take a moment right now to look back on holidays of the past. What worked? What didn’t work? Make a list. Be nice to yourself and change what you can and plan to make more changes in the future. The holidays show up every year! There is plenty of time for us to change. This is the year to start the process of creating holidays that work for you!

4. Plan now and do something small for this year. Keep a journal on what you go through so that you can make the BIG changes next year. This is how I progress. If you don't have plans yet and worry that you will be lonely, there is time to find a group who wants to meet YOU. There is always a place for us in the world. Sometimes, we just have to find it. I like the group www.Meetup.com for meeting new people. They do have holiday events that are open to all people!

Happy Holidays. Let’s Treat Bipolar First and have the best holidays possible.

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a separate psychotic disorder in 1995. She is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie runs the award winning Bipolar Happens blog, is a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric professionals, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She also educates the public on how cannabis marijuana affects people who have bipolar disorder and psychotic disorders. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine. She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going.

You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com. Her Facebook pages include Julie A. Fast, The Stable Table for parents and health care professionals, and The Stable Bed for partners. You can watch her talk at the Oxford Union here.

 

How Honest Friends Helped Me Find Stability

By Julie A. Fast

Do you have bipolar, schizoaffective disorder or a different mental health disorder that affects your friendships? I have bipolar and a psychotic disorder, now called schizoaffective disorder. As you can imagine, relationships were difficult when I was undiagnosed and didn’t know how to manage my own behavior! I’d like to share how I progressively righted my often out of control relationships and found more stability and happiness in my daily life.

Paranoia and Friendships

I lived with undiagnosed psychotic paranoia for many years and it greatly affected my ability to have stable interactions with friends and coworkers. My diagnosis helped me name what was going on in my brain and I finally knew that I wasn’t thinking and acting oddly out of obstinance. I was ill! Even though I now manage my psychosis with a plan that keeps most symptoms calm, I still had to teach myself to live with the symptoms that I can’t always control. I lost friends along the way, but after almost twenty years of regular practice, I can now live with my psychosis without acting on it. Yup. I still have psychotic paranoia in certain situations involving work and time with friends.

Here are some very typical thoughts I have when interacting with friends. These thoughts are accompanied by a strong feeling that something is wrong and that I’m being ignored or used:

Why is she calling her other friends and not calling me!

Why does he only want to see me on a Monday and not a Friday? Am I not good enough for a Friday night out?

Is she upset with me? Is that why she didn’t answer my text?

To counteract these thoughts so that I won’t act out on them quickly, I first have to determine if my thoughts are attached to a real behavior by the other person — is someone trying to put me off? Or, am I simply paranoid and unreasonable? It’s not easy to live with this constant need to check my own thoughts. It affects my life in every way, but like any illness I have to get my thoughts and subsequent behaviors under control if I want strong friendships. I find that in 99% of situations where I have these thoughts, I am WRONG. It is paranoia and not real. Thank heavens I can see this now!

What a life! But it’s a much better life now that the paranoia isn’t controlling ME.

Euphoric Mania and Friendships

I think I’m so fun and lively and sexy and wonderful when I’m manic. That might be true to strangers who meet me in a bar, but for my friends? No way! I’m an annoying, loud, prideful, grandiose, narcissistic doofus!

Friends can get very upset and embarrassed by my mania. I talk so much! I have way too many boyfriends! I drink. I don’t slow down and then I crash. It’s ridiculous.

I stopped this behavior over ten years ago. I simply said no more mania in my life. I now manage it as diligently as I do my depression and psychosis. I had to choose between the wild times with strangers and healthy stability with friends.

Learning to manage paranoid thoughts and truly committing to ending mania in my life deeply affected my friendships with people who have bipolar disorder and psychotic disorders. I have lost a few friendships due to friends who like their mania more than they like stability. I ended friendships when their paranoia showed up in a text at 2 AM accusing me of something I truly had not done. It’s not my job to change anyone, but it is my job to keep myself stable, so these friendships are no longer in my life. It’s probably the same thing when a person stops drinking and friends continue to drink heavily! You have to make a choice.

Just like Marty and Fran, I work super hard on my friendships. I look inside myself before acting out of a mood swing or paranoia. I wasn’t born with this ability. I created the plan in my book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and I USED it.

Is it hard? Yes! Hard, so hard! But I did it anyway. You can do this as well. I believe in our ability to change.

We can be GREAT friends!

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie is a board member of The International Bipolar Foundation, a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine. She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going. You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com.

 

Weepy, Angry, Catatonic: Three Kinds of Depression and How You Can Help

By Julie A. Fast

Depression has many modes. I divide it into a few categories: weepy, angry and catatonic. Knowing what kind of depression your friend experiences is a good place to start when it comes to offering help. Fran and Marty’s book High Tide, Low Tide covers this topic well.

The following examples show what people go through during each of these three kinds of depression. If you are unsure what your friend experiences, I suggest you read this blog together when they are stable. Ask them, “Do you experience what is in this blog? I would like to know more how to help when this happens. We can talk about it now while you are feeling better and I will then know what to do when I see the depression show up!”

I would LOVE a friend to do this for me, so please know that you are needed when we are depressed.

Weepy Depression

If I’m talking with you about things in a weepy, sad way and this is different from how I normally express myself there is a good chance the depression has a hold on me. When I’m sick, the news is simply overwhelming. I will start to talk about how the world is a bad place and how scary everything is now. I will cry over relationships and work and will be unable to hold myself together watching sad movies or when I see any kind of situation where someone is being harmed.

When I’m stable, I have a filter for these things. I hardly ever cry and when I do, it will have a good reason behind it. When the weepy depression hits me, I cry like a baby at everything. The tears are different too. They are like waterfalls. There are no tear drops like with regular crying. Instead, I have waterworks coming out of my eyes! The crying is endless!

If you see me tearing up, turning my head away so you don’t see me cry or I simply cry in front of you because I am so depressed, I can’t hide it, I DO want you to say something. I want you to say, “I can see the nasty depression has a hold of you. You told me the tears come really easily when the depression is around. Let’s talk about your plan and how I can help you get out of this downswing.”

Angry Depression

I’m a right nasty bitch when the irritated depression hits me. No one is safe from my rotten thinking. Everything upsets me! You will notice that while I am normally a pretty good listener, you will say things that piss me off more. I might even snap at you and say something unkind. I want you to know that this is not the real me.

It doesn’t mean that it’s ok. It’s not and I am working on it, but if you notice that I am much more irritated, upset, nasty and downright mean, don’t just take it or walk off or fight with me! Instead, I want you to say this, “You told me that you have depression that makes you really irritated. I see signs of this right now. It is hard on me, but I’m willing to work through it with you. We can focus on getting you out of this downswing. I don’t want depression to affect our relationship. I want to work together on this.”

I know that many of my past relationships would have been saved if my friends just knew what to say. Yes, I am responsible for what I say and I’m working on that. I want to let you know that sometimes the depression is stronger than I am and I do need help sometimes. Let’s work on this together.

Catatonic Depression

When I’m really depressed, you will not know it by looking at me. I simply won’t show it to you. My face will be a mask when we meet. I will do everything possible to hide what I am going through. It’s as though I’m a puzzle I want someone to solve, but I simply won’t give them the pieces! I can’t. The depression is so violating! It gives me thoughts that no one loves me, so how on earth do I break through that and tell you that I am hurting with this illness? It would be like saying I love you to someone I know will never love me back. I can’t feel or see that you care about me when I’m depressed.

For this reason, I need you to look for the other signs of my depression as you won’t be able to read it in my face. Am I talking less? Do I hang back or say no in situations where I would normally participate? Does my phone go to voice mail? Do my text replies get shorter or are all emojis? These are signs I am not doing well. I do want your help, but the kind of depression I have makes me silent. You can always ask me, is the depression rough right now? I will tell you the truth. Then, we can get out and do something together. Something active. This is what I need when I’m catatonic. I need the reminder that my body can still move.

Being friends with someone who has depression takes patience and a willingness to help when the depression is controlling how your friend thinks and behaves. As someone with depression, I wish that I were more able to control how it affects my brain, but I simply can’t. Instead, I need people in my life who will help me get through the down times so that we can go back to enjoying the good times.

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie is a board member of The International Bipolar Foundation, a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine. She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. Julie is currently writing a book for children called Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis and Depression. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going. You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com.

 

Six People I Admire in the Mental Health Community

I was recently gifted a copy of Diana Fox’s 365 Blog Topic Ideas: For The Lifestyle Blogger Who Has Nothing to Write About by fellow blogger Aimee Wilson. As I looked through the suggested topics one leapt out at me. I couldn’t believe I’d not thought of it before.

Talk about your mentors and people you look up to in your niche

Choosing who to include wasn’t easy, but one way or another each of the six people I’ve selected is making a difference by actively combating stigma and discrimination, by sharing personal stories, or by supporting people with lived experience, their friends and loved ones. They are presented in the order we first connected.

Fran Houston | Darren Hodge | Julie A. Fast | Sarah Fader | Steve O'Driscoll | Aimee Wilson

 

---

Fran Houston

What is your connection with Fran?

Fran is my best friend and co-author of two books: High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder and No One is Too Far Away: Notes from a Transatlantic Friendship.

How and when did you meet?

We met in May 2011 on the Facebook page of a mutual friend who was feeling suicidal. I posted a really dumb comment which Fran immediately picked me up on. We have been best friends ever since.

What do you admire most about Fran?

Fran lives with bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), and fibromyalgia. We’ve been best friends for over eight years and spend up to three hours a day online in each other’s company. There’s very little we haven’t talked about and we have few illusions about each other, which makes for a very deep connection. I admire Fran’s emotional honesty, her resilience, and her determination to keep moving forward even when she seems “stuck,” emotionally or otherwise.

What have you learned from her?

What haven’t I learned?! All the mental health work I am doing in the workplace and outside, all the amazing people I’ve met within the mental health community both online and locally, our two books and the blog posts and articles I have written — none of that would have happened if it wasn’t for Fran.

I have learned a great deal about myself that I never would have explored if we’d not met. Fran has the ability to hold a mirror up to me so that I see myself clearer than I have ever been able to do on my own. She challenges me to be the best version of myself I can be. That hasn’t always been easy for either of us but I’ve learned a lot about commitment and resilience along the way. I am a far better person for knowing her.

What one thing would you like Fran to know?

I’m not sure what I could say to you, Fran, that you don’t know already! But just in case you’ve forgotten, you’re stuck with me now!

 

---

Darren Hodge

What is your connection with Darren?

We are friends and fellow ASIST-trained Mental Health First Aiders.

How and when did you meet?

We met at a local Time to Change networking event in November 2013.

What do you admire most about him?

I admire Darren’s calm and gentle manner no matter what is going on, and his service to others which often involves helping people in need. I asked if he could sum his roles up for me:

I am a server and help with communion in church (there is a really grand name but no one would understand what it means!) We do our best to make everyone welcome and care for people who are on the edge. I have been involved in the voluntary sector for over thirty years. I am really drawn to Taize / Northumbrian Saints such as Aidan — they gently walked alongside people. I am often seen with people on the edge and learned British Sign Language (BSL) to communicate with a deaf friend. I also speak a bit of Urdu to build bridges with Asian friends.

What have you learned from Darren?

Darren recommended I take the Mental Health First Aid course, which I took in 2014. We met up again later that year at an Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) workshop. His experience in crisis situations is second to none and I’ve learned that it’s not about having all the answers. Offering your presence in a non-judgemental way can be exactly what someone needs.

What one thing would you like him to know?

Darren, you were hugely supportive a few years ago when I was going through a really rough time. I have never told you how much that meant to me. Thank you.

 

---

Julie A. Fast

www.juliefast.com

What is your connection with Julie?

We are friends and fellow mental health authors.

How and when did you meet?

Julie and I met on social media in August 2014. I knew of her as the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and had followed her on Facebook and Twitter for a few months. I’d not had much response but I figured she was a busy lady.

One day Julie ran a Q&A session on Facebook and I asked a question about how to query agents and publishers. Julie’s response showed how much she had appreciated my approach.

You liked my Tweets and passed on my tips, sent encouraging messages and asked intelligent questions. You were not intrusive and were understanding if I didn’t actually answer your questions in a timely manner — if at all. I call this hooking your wagon to a star. If you truly care about promoting someone and your work is in alignment with theirs they will naturally want to work with you.

We have been friends ever since.

What do you admire most about her?

Julie has a wealth of knowledge and experience based on years living with bipolar disorder and her work as a family coach. She’s clear about her opinions but she’s respectful of those who might have a different perspective. Above all, Julie is a generous and steadfast supporter of other writers and has been incredibly supportive to me and Fran.

What have you learned from Julie?

From Julie I’ve learned there is something positive to be drawn from any situation, to believe in the value of one’s story, and to never give up. Her mantra “treat bipolar first” helps me support Fran and other friends when symptoms of bipolar disorder and other mental health conditions come to the fore.

What one thing would you like Julie to know?

Julie, you are a dear friend and an inspiration to me on so many levels. I love working with you and look forward to wherever our next collaboration takes us!

 

---

Sarah Fader

www.sarahfader.com

What is your connection with Sarah?

Sarah has guested on our blog several times and interviewed me and Fran for her podcast. She is co-founder and CEO of Eliezer Tristan Publishing who published our second book, No One Is Too Far Away: Notes from a Transatlantic Friendship.

How and when did you meet?

Sarah is CEO of Stigma Fighters, a campaign platform that encourages individuals with mental illness to share their personal stories. We connected in 2015 when I submitted my story No one is too far away to be cared for, or to care.

What do you admire most about Sarah?

Sarah is one of those people who seem to let nothing stand in their way. Think feisty, gutsy, determined. Things are often hard for her but she refuses to let life stop her being the best person she can be. She’s passionate about what she believes in and fiercely supportive of those she cares about. She is 150% herself with absolutely no pretensions.

What have you learned from her?

As someone without lived experience or a mental health diagnosis there are times I doubt my place in the mental health community. By accepting my story for the Stigma Fighters blog and later publishing it in their second anthology, Sarah gave me the confidence to believe I have something worth sharing and the courage to do so. I’ve also learned that great things can happen if you believe they can and are prepared to go after them wholeheartedly.

What one thing would you like her to know?

Sarah, you are a force of nature and I love you!

 

---

Steve O’Driscoll

What is your connection with Steve?

Steve works with several mental health groups and initiatives in and around my home town of Newcastle upon Tyne.

How and when did you meet?

We met through Time to Change at the Newcastle Mental Health Day event in February 2016.

What do you admire most about Steve?

Steve is another of those 150% genuine people. What you see is what you get. He is very open about his lived experience which he shares to support and educate others.

What have you learned from him?

In October 2018 I attended a self-harm awareness session led by Steve at Newcastle Recovery College. His knowledge and honesty opened my eyes and gave me a degree of insight I otherwise would not have had. I later wrote:

Steve shared his personal journey, much of which was new to me. Those who know me and Fran know we have a “no pedestals” policy, meaning as far as possible we treat ourselves and others without elevating anyone to hero status. That said, I was deeply moved by Steve’s story and respect him immensely for the honesty with which he lives his life. It takes courage to turn a lifetime of hard experience to the service of others.

What one thing would you like him to know?

Steve, you’re one of the most genuine guys I’ve ever met and I’m proud to know you. Despite my lack of lived experience you’ve always treated me with respect and that means a lot.

 

---

Aimee Wilson

www.imnotdisordered.co.uk

What is your connection with Aimee?

We are friends and fellow mental health bloggers.

How and when did you meet?

Aimee and I met at a Time to Change session for Newcastle Mental Health Day in February 2016.

What do you admire most about her?

I was rather in awe of Aimee when we met and for a good while after because she seemed (and is!) so professional at what she does. We’ve grown to be great friends and I’ve taken her down from that pedestal, but my respect is undiminished.

I admire Aimee’s courage in writing so openly about what she lives with which includes borderline personality disorder, self-harm, and suicidality. Her blog posts tell it how it is and they can be challenging to read for that reason, but honesty is the only way to shift perceptions and foster wider understanding. I also admire how Aimee is building a rich portfolio of skills, connections, and experience. This has inspired me as I look for opportunities to expand my mental health role in the workplace and beyond.

What have you learned from Aimee?

I joke that I learn something new every time we meet, so it’s quite a list! Some are small things like ensuring I always have business cards to hand, and social media tips like using time-lapse videos to capture the essence of an event or moment. I’ve also learned to celebrate every achievement and make the most of each moment because you don’t necessarily know what’s coming up next. Aimee’s blog posts challenge my assumptions and help me “get it” a little more clearly.

What one thing would you like her to know?

Aimee, when I was struggling over my role in the mental health community the open letter you wrote me helped me see there’s a place for me even if I’ve not quite found it yet. We’ve been there for each other a few times and I’m learning lots but it’s not all about learning and support. We’re friends and fellow bloggers! I look forward to us working together lots more in the future and can’t wait for our next bloggers’ day out!

 

Just Because You're Paranoid: How to Notice Gaslighting in Bipolar Disorder

By Beth Gadwa

Foreword by Julie A. Fast

I recently posted a note on Facebook that included a link to one of my Bp Magazine videos called Bipolar Disorder Paranoia and Keeping Your Relationships Strong. I made the point that I had to take responsibility over my own paranoia and not take it out on others. I have ruined many relationships in the past due to my untreated paranoid thinking and actions. Right under this post, bipolar disorder advocate and writer Beth Gadwa left a comment that truly opened my mind to the other side of the situation. She wrote:

Julie, please be aware that people with bipolar are also sometimes victimized and exploited in relationships. A good strategy is to “check in” with a neutral third party, such as a close friend or family member to try to determine if you are symptomatic. Being bipolar does not mean being a doormat, or turning a blind eye to infidelity or abuse. But it does absolutely mean we have to check ourselves, and pause and reflect before we act.

Wow, she was so correct! What if someone is telling YOU that you have paranoia or that you are manic for their own nefarious reasons! What if you are actually stable and someone is using your bipolar against you! What a thought! I knew I wanted to hear more. I told Martin Baker about it and as always he said, “Let’s do a post for Gum on My Shoe. This is an important topic.”

Here is the OTHER side of the symptoms story from Beth Gadwa. Thank heavens for open minds and hearts. This is how we learn. My mind was opened and expanded from her comment and I hope her stories below help you just as much as they helped me!

Julie

Julie A. Fast
Bestselling mental health author, speaker and coach
www.juliefast.com | www.BipolarHappens.com

---

Just Because You’re Paranoid: How to Notice Gaslighting in Bipolar Disorder

by Beth Gadwa

Julie Fast wrote a great post about the dangers of bipolar paranoia and how it can undermine core relationships. I had one question in response: What do we do in real situations of abuse, infidelity, or gaslighting when someone is using our symptoms against us in order to control a situation? In my experience, both personally and professionally, neurodiverse people are at increased risk for violence and exploitation. Yes, it is important that we know our own symptoms and work hard to not take them out on others, but it’s equally important that we don’t just blindly accept the words and accusations of others when it comes to our brains.

Julie suggested that I share my own experiences. Here are two stories, both everyday situations that could happen to anyone. I tell them with the hope that we can learn from Julie’s work and at the same time, trust our own experiences in order to protect our brains from those who are out to harm.

#1. “Chicken Wars”

My friend Teri was visiting me from Ohio, with the thought that she might move to Portland permanently. One evening I noticed she was eating takeout fried chicken in the guest room. I asked if she could eat her meal in the common area, because the greasy chicken crumbs could stain the bedding and get into the carpet, attracting vermin.

She immediately became defensive, and told me I could not tell her what to do. I did not raise my voice, but reminded her she was a guest and had been staying at the apartment for over two weeks for free. She grew more agitated. She called me manic and accused me of starting the argument because I was bipolar. I was taken aback and hurt by her words.

To me, this was a normal roommate squabble that had nothing to do with mental health. I wasn’t experiencing any mania symptoms (sleeplessness, racing thoughts) so I didn’t feel the issue was mania or hypomania. I was simply protecting my home. Because of her response to my honest feelings, I felt I couldn’t express any negative opinion in the future without it being labeled symptomatic. We eventually talked through the situation, but it had an effect on our friendship. I have noticed over time that I have become more conflict-averse, which isn’t always a good thing.

#2. “You’d Have to Be Crazy to Break up with Me”

In 2014, I was casually dating a person I met online. At first Kevin was charming, but he grew increasingly controlling and possessive. We had been dating for about three months when he announced plans to throw a reception at a fancy hotel in “our” honor, and asked me to invite my friends too.

This made me uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to exit gracefully, so I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. He flipped out — started yelling, said that I was manic and didn’t know what I was talking about. In his mind, I didn’t “really” want to break up with him. It must be my diagnosis.

What I did next was check in with my good friend Kasey. She has known me for almost 20 years and reassured me that I didn’t seem to be manic. Kasey had only met the guy once, but she told me to watch out — his behavior fit the classic pattern of abusers and narcissists.

She was right.

The same day, Kevin had also called my sister (whom he had never met — he found her work number online) to “warn” her about my mental health. This creeped me out! Checking in with a trusted source helped me take care of myself and protect myself from a person who was out to harm.

How Can You Protect Yourself?

Relationships fail for a variety of reasons, but being told that having a negative opinion or wanting to leave was due to my mental health was not someone trying to help me. It was someone trying to control me. I focus greatly on my health and work hard to present the most stable self possible. And yet, gaslighting happened. For this reason, I believe it is essential not to have a “single point of failure” in your care network. This means that you check in with yourself and someone you trust, separate from the person who is making the accusation that your bipolar is a problem.

As a bipolar life coach, I advise my clients to stay in close touch with a broad support network of family and friends. That way if there is conflict that feels confusing, you have a neutral third party to evaluate the situation.

If you’re a friend or caregiver, be alert for symptoms as Julie suggests, but please don’t use them as a weapon. Work together with us if you worry that we are symptomatic and it is affecting our decisions. That makes us a part of a team. We need you!

 

About the Author

Beth Gadwa is a Certified Professional Coach with over eighteen years’ experience managing bipolar disorder. She splits her time between Portland, Oregon, and Western Massachusetts, where her partner Erik resides.

Learn more about her practice at bipolarlifecoach.com.

 

How to Gently and Kindly Talk with a Friend About Difficult Bipolar Symptoms

By Julie A. Fast

As friends of people with bipolar and schizoaffective disorder we want to be understanding and kind regarding the struggles people with serious mental illness face. But — and it is a very big BUT — there is a line to be drawn in terms of what you as a friend can handle, especially if the person’s symptoms are active.

I see this from both sides. I have bipolar disorder and a psychotic disorder myself. I know what the symptoms can do to our minds, and ultimately how they can affect our friendships. I have lost or left many relationships with people who have untreated mental health symptoms. On one occasion a friend with schizoaffective disorder decided that I had stolen one of her ideas. She texted me at 11:30 p.m. on a Saturday night and said:

I am very upset with you! I just saw your latest blog post and you’re using my ideas in this post and this is not cool. I need you to take it down and print a retraction!

Another time, a friend with bipolar one decided that he wanted to live the manic life and went off all meds, saying:

I am finally free to live the life I have always wanted!

Let’s look at these situations in more detail.

Scenario One: Paranoia

It was Saturday night. I was asleep and suddenly my phone (that I keep switched on in order to use a sleep app) started buzzing with texts. They were from a good friend, so I assumed she was in a crisis and I sat up so that I could be there for her.

Yikes!

I read text after text accusing me of stealing her ideas. I naturally had the thought Oh no! What have I done?! But when I read them again I realized that there was nothing specific in them. I had not done anything that she could point to that made any sense. I recognized that my friend was experiencing psychotic paranoia and that I was suddenly, after a long term friendship, the TARGET.

It felt terrible. It was a little scary, to be honest.

I was a good friend to her and reading these accusatory words felt like a punch in the stomach. I of course know that she has bipolar and a psychotic disorder. I know that, as I do myself, she gets paranoid. But I have a policy in my own life that I don’t take my symptoms out on the people in my life and I ask the same of my friends. I won’t be the target of a late night paranoia attack, just as I will not let my paranoia make a similar late night attack on someone else.

Believe me, I did this in the past and ruined many relationships, but I have taught myself to manage my paranoia. I thought my friend had done the same. We talked through her worries the next day, but six months later it happened again. This time she accused me of not spending enough time with her and not helping her with her new book project. Of course, as with all paranoia, it FELT real, but she was not being realistic. She was ill with psychosis.

After much sadness and worry I decided that I could not be in this relationship and simply stopped contacting her. I was the “bad guy” who left, but I am ok with that. I didn’t feel protected from her mental health symptoms. I need to be protected if someone is my friend.

I did try to talk with her about how her paranoia affected me but she was in a strong delusion and I could tell that talking was not going to work. I am not here to change anyone. She has a team around her to take care of her. She is fine and I am fine. Our relationship simply ran its course. This often happens and it is a normal part of life. Did I get upset? Of course! She was my friend! But I have boundaries in place to keep myself well enough to be who I want to be in the world and I had to let this relationship go.

Scenario Two: Mania

After a thirteen year friendship, a dear friend of mine who has always worked hard to stay stable suddenly decided to stop all medications in order to live a “manic life.” I felt deep worry about this and let him know my feelings. My policy in life is to let people be who they are. Then I can decide if I want to be with that person. I don’t change people. I knew his plan would be a disaster, but he is allowed to make his own decisions.

I love this person and am still deeply conflicted about what happened. But as with my friend who has paranoid psychosis, a person with bipolar has to be working on their stability to be in my life. Otherwise, I will get sick as well.

In this case, my dear and kind friend, who I will call Marcus, decided that mania was more fun than responsibility. As a result he went off all meds, left his partner and kids and decided to relive his youth. He moved out of his house and got his own place. Before long our phone calls were about the people he was meeting in bars and how he finally felt free for the first time in his life. He told me he was using weed. That really set my alarm bells ringing. Cannabis and bipolar do not mix: the tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) in the cannabis can make us manic and psychotic. I was deeply worried and let him know from the beginning. I gave an opinion and stated my needs.

He came to visit for a weekend and I could tell he was manic from the minute he arrived. His eyes were wild and he was dressed flamboyantly. He openly talked about the handsome men he met at the coffee shop and sat in positions that were sexually suggestive. He was being very outgoing and nice to everyone around him but he was NOT focused on our relationship. He was not bothering anyone, but I could tell he was not himself. It was like the lid had been taken off a jar of bees.

This continued all morning. At lunch he was talking and talking about his new life and playing pool and trying weed, and suddenly I realized that I felt incredibly uncomfortable. He knows my position on cannabis as it made me very psychotic and manic, and in our state it is not well regulated. Marcus would never touch the stuff when stable. When he said this so nonchalantly, I woke up to the situation. I asked him if he was still off his meds.

Oh yes Julie! I went off months ago. They were making me so fat and I was so tired all of the time. Making kids’ lunches and doing homework with them. I had enough! I feel like a real person for the first time in my life!

This continued for a few hours. Finally, I realized that this was not healthy for me. I was getting agitated and worried. Due to my policy of not telling people what to do, but always telling people what I need so that they can decide what works for them, I said the following, right there at my kitchen table:

Marcus, you know how much I care about you. We have been friends for many years and you have been there for me when life was really tough. A large part of our relationship has been working together to manage our bipolar. You help me test the ideas in my books. You were there when I needed to explain my system to the world. I am forever grateful. I am not here to change people and I am not here to tell people what to do. But, you know that my life is based on being stable.

When you say, “I feel that I have been in jail for all of these years. The marriage and the kids were a rope around my neck and now I am free! I don’t need the meds and I need you to understand that this is my choice and I am finally feeling great for the first time in my life!” it is mania talking.

You do not talk this way when you’re stable. I’m not comfortable being around mania. It is truly a trigger for me and I ought to know about triggers as I wrote a book about it and you have always helped me market this book! I love you and you know you are important to me, but I can’t be around this. I ask that you cut your trip short and go home now. This is the best for both of us.

He was very understanding. This was an episode of euphoric mania and people tend to be open to anything during this kind of episode, but I could tell he had no idea that his mood swing was creating one in me. In the past I would have waited it out and become more ill. Not now. Now, I focus on what I need and I let people know this in a calm and kind way. I have to take care of my bipolar disorder first or I literally will not sleep, and then the mania starts in my brain. Oh, this was hard. I loved Marcus, his kindness and friendship, but the decisions he was making were not safe for anyone. We sent a few emails back and forth and eventually I said the following:

Marcus, you visited my house while manic. You didn’t tell me until I was sitting in front of you that you had been off your meds for a few months. I know this is not my business and you don’t have to call me and tell me what you’re doing. This is your life. But I can tell you that this mania is incredibly frustrating, and if I’m really honest it is scary for me.

To see you like this reminds me of my manic days and I feel in a bit of a panic to think of what your kids are going through right now. I am not going to tell you what to do, but I am so sorry, I can’t be around you when the mania is given free reign. It is too stimulating for me and it is very distressing. You know my feelings on the topic.

He was very understanding, but from friends I hear Marcus is still off his meds to this day.

My goal is to help you as a friend of someone with bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder figure out what YOU need in the relationship. I could have called his doctor or his ex. I could have gotten involved but that was not my role, and never had been my role throughout our long relationship. Someone who is very manic and using cannabis is not someone I can have in my life. This is not a judgement. It is not about him at all. It is about me. I need stable people around me. I can love my friends with bipolar and psychotic disorders, but I can also be very clear that relationships work best when both people are working on stability.

Your thoughts as a friend?

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie is a board member of The International Bipolar Foundation, a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine. She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. Julie is currently writing a book for children called Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis and Depression. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going. You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com.

 

Five Fun Adventures to Enjoy with a Friend Who Has Bipolar Disorder

By Julie A. Fast

It’s fun to do things together, but it can be hard to figure out what is helpful when a person with bipolar is working hard on stability. Before I truly committed my life to bipolar management, going out drinking at karaoke was my main entertainment. These days, I look for more healing environments that allow me to have a great time and still get to bed on a schedule.

If you’re a friend of someone with bipolar disorder and wonder what you can do together that is relaxing and fun and SAFE, think of these options. I’m in Portland, Oregon in the US where there is a lot of gender openness, so even if something sounds feminine or masculine, please know that there is no limit to what we can do - as you will see by suggestion number one:

Get a pedicure or foot massage together! Find a salon with a good health record and book a joint session where you can sit and get your feet pampered while you both sit and gossip about life. Pedicure chairs are so comfortable. We have a place here in Portland where you can both sit on a big comfy couch and get a foot massage at the same time. Body massages make it hard for friends to interact, but foot massages or pedicures are perfect for talking. Look for Groupon events or special sale days and take a friend to a fun massage! (Marty, do you have Groupon in the UK? Ed: Yes, Julie we sure do!)

Sign up to do a walk or run together. There are many 5k events where you can join a walking or running group to train and then walk together on the race day. I’m not talking about walks to raise money. I’m talking about a walk or run you can to together as a team. When there is an event date, meeting to train gives those of us with bipolar a set schedule. We like schedules!

Go to group events together. Meetup.com has thousands of events around the world that offer fun and often free or low cost entertainment. My friend Karen is a tour organizer and this has opened me to a new world of events and presentations. I’ve lived in many places abroad and love it that Karen and I can go to travel events together. These are cheerful events with great pictures. We are going to an event this week about working while living abroad. Something I did in France in 2016.

Look for a karaoke box near your home and sing together! I lived in Japan for many years where private karaoke rooms were the norm. It has taken time for it to finally take hold around the world, but these days with the ease of digital music, private karaoke rooms can be amazing fun. They are not expensive when two people go at once and many companies actually have karaoke happy hours! Singing is a joyful process for many and the private room means you can goof around as much as you want at four in the afternoon without drinking and staying out too late.

Take a class together. I have taken novel writing, language classes and screenplay classes with friends. Look online for local classes and learn a new skill together! This gives you endless conversation topics and can often be done early in the evening or on the weekend.

People with bipolar appreciate friends who think of things for us to do together when our mood is low. Doing something fun with YOU can be a highlight of our day. Think of what the two of you have in common that is active and requires a specific date. This creates excitement for fun adventures and allows us to show you how much we love your company.

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie is a board member of The International Bipolar Foundation, a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine. She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. Julie is currently writing a book for children called Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis and Depression. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going. You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com.

 

Bipolar and Saying No: Why I Can’t Always Do Fun Things with You

An open letter to a friend by Julie A. Fast

Dear Friend,

It really upsets me that I have to say no all of the time. I see that you are going to the coast and staying in a cabin while having a barbecue. That really sounds fun. A few of you went to New York last week for a vacation. That sounds amazing. Another friend often has a TV night with her friends and sleeps on the couch if she has too much wine. That sounds like fun!

Some of my friends work a seventy hour week and it sounds exciting.

Others go to sporting events and sit way up in the stands and tell me it was amazing!

I want you to know how much I appreciate it that you ask me to do these things and then explain why I can’t join you.

It’s the bipolar. I don’t ever use bipolar as an excuse for bad behavior. That is why we are such good friends. You trust me and I trust you. But I know that my inability to be as social as you might like can cause us some problems.

If there is a party, I might say no or I might have to leave early. I will never hang out all night for New Year’s Eve and that block party that everyone says is so much fun is just a lot of noise in my bipolar brain.

You are not the reason I say no. In fact, I want you to continue to ask me to do things. You might have noticed that I sometimes do say yes to the evening or day long plans!

But for now, I want you to know how much I appreciate it when we meet for breakfast. Tea or an early happy hour is really great. I love going to karaoke by the hour because we can get there early and leave early. We still get to sing!

I LOVE it that you have so many friends and that you invite me to your parties. I know it is frustrating when you hear me say I am lonely, as I am the one who often says no to your events.

I’m writing this so that we can keep our friendship strong. Here is how you can help me and here is why I appreciate your friendship SO much.

1. Bipolar is a sleep disorder. If you think of it that way, it will help you see why I have to say no to anything that disrupts sleep. You know how you can do a hood to coast run, stay up all night manning a booth for your other runner friends, meet for pancakes the next morning and then sleep it off the next day? That is not possible for me. That situation could put me in the hospital. I know. It’s crazy, but sleep is that important.
2. Bipolar is predictably unpredictable. I never know for sure when I will be triggered but I know my basic triggers. Crowds — so sporting events and concerts will always be hard on me. Meeting new people. I CRAVE new experiences, but my bipolar brain interprets them as stress. So anything new is a challenge.
3. I’m easily tired out by life. Work and seeing you for coffee might be all that I can do in one day. I hate this. I really do! But I have not been in the hospital for years and my friendships are stable because I am so careful.

These are just a few of the reasons I have to say no to things you find enjoyable and easy. And here is how you can help me.

1. Encourage me to try new things and let me know that I can leave if it gets too rough. I am NOT saying I should say no to everything. That is unreasonable. I want to say yes, but let me have an outlet. For example, if I make it 90 minutes at a party, that is a success! If I have to leave a concert early, I probably enjoyed the first part a lot!
2. Remind me that I am in control of my life and taking care of my bipolar is what makes our friendship strong.
3. Remind me to think of YOUR needs. I can’t say no to everything you like and expect you to only do what I like. I truly want to find middle ground. You are my guide with this. Be honest with me. I can learn!

Thank you for being such a great friend. It has been fifteen years and counting. You are the best!

Julie

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie is a board member of The International Bipolar Foundation, a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine.

She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. Julie is currently writing a book for children called Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis and Depression. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going.

You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com.

 

Effective Strategies to Manage Paranoia in Bipolar Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder

By Julie A. Fast

In part one of this blog, Exploring Bipolar Disorder and the Sister Diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder, I talked about psychosis in bipolar disorder and how some of us with bipolar also have a separate diagnosis of a psychotic disorder. Bipolar with a separate psychotic disorder is called schizoaffective disorder.

In part two I explore the topic of paranoia, a psychotic delusion. All people with bipolar disorder live with the possibility of paranoia. It’s more common than most realize. Paranoia is quite a friendship wrecker. I lived with paranoid thoughts and behaviors for many years before I learned how to control them. I still get paranoid but I’ve learned not to take it out on my friends the way I used to.

As a side note, please know that people can have paranoid behavior without having a mood disorder. Paranoid personality disorder is an example. This article is relevant to anyone who experiences paranoia.

How I Manage My Paranoia

I’ve taught myself to know what I think, say and do when I’m paranoid. I explain how I use this process in my Health Cards Treatment Plan for Bipolar Disorder. It is the only way I have found to manage my bipolar disorder as I can’t take many medications. Before I learned this system I was a tiny boat on a raging ocean of moods. I still have mood swings but I know now what they are and am able to control them. You can learn to do the same. If you’re a friend or loved one of someone with bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder, you can also learn to use this system to help. Here is how it works.

What I Think, Say and Do When Paranoid

What I think when I’m paranoid. Please note that I use the word ‘think’ but with delusions it really is more of a feeling than a thought.

Something isn’t right with my friend. She is upset with me and doesn’t want to tell me the truth.

People are meeting and having dinner parties and doing things without me. They don’t want me there, so they don’t invite me.

Friends think I don’t know what is going on, but I do.

Someone is upset with me. I can feel it.

No one is calling me. They are upset with me.

This is not a safe place. I have to get out of here.

Someone is following me in the car.

What I say. This is where I used to get into so much trouble! I would either say these things out loud or send an email.

I write an email or text and accuse someone of not wanting to contact me.

I ask friends, “Are you made at me?” or, “Is there something you want to talk to me about?” Or ”Is something wrong?”

I tell people, “I’m not stupid and I know that there is something wrong and you should just tell me the truth!”

J’accuse!

What I do.

I can’t look people in the eye.

I obsessively pour over emails and texts and search for hidden meanings.

I can’t sleep.

I look in my rear view mirror and see that cars are way too close. Someone is following me.

I look for recording devices. Maybe someone has hidden cameras in their kitchen.

I cut myself off from people I feel are harming me by not talking to me.

These are just a few examples. I’m interested to know if you have experienced anything listed above, either as a person with bipolar or as a friend. This paranoia symptom is often missed as it can be subtle. The internet has made paranoid communication much easier and people are very quick to accuse when it takes just a few seconds to send a message.

What if the Paranoid Feelings are Real?

I live in the creative world now and I often see my work used by other people. This is deeply distressing as you can imagine. The difference between this and what I describe above is that in most cases people actually have plagiarized my ideas. I tend to keep quiet about this as it can lead to actual paranoia, but sometimes I do have to take action. The main difference between paranoia and noticing that someone is using one of my ideas without credit is that paranoia is NEVER real. Can the two get confused? Yes, if I am paranoid I can think that someone is using my work who isn’t. This is why I use my Health Cards and never say anything unless I have facts to back me up. Even then, I might not be right!

How I Changed

One day, after a really terrible situation where I sent an awful email to a friend and effectively ended our relationship, I realized I had to change. I write about this experience in my Bp Magazine article Relationships and the Bipolar Trap. Was it easy to change? No. In fact, I still have to watch myself very carefully even though it has been almost twenty years since I sent the letter to my former friend. Here is what I do now.

1. I memorized what I think, say and do when I’m paranoid. I can’t trust my ill self, but I can trust my well self. The well me creates the Health Card (you can simply create a list of what you think, say and do) and I then use it when I start to get paranoid. Yes, you can teach yourself the signs you are paranoid and you can learn to stop the episode from going too far. It is NOT easy. I first had to see my paranoia was a problem and then had to stick to documenting my behavior so that I could use it later.
2. I made a promise to myself (and for the most part I have kept it) that I will NEVER, and I do mean NEVER, send a text or email or any form of communication that is accusatory. I stick to my own feelings and my own experiences. This has helped greatly. I no longer say You did this! or You are thinking this! Stopping this one action — the writing and accusing — has saved me a great deal of trouble and saved many of my relationships.
3. I accept that I still get paranoid. My symptoms are still here but I have learned how to minimize the symptoms.
4. I do not use any hallucinogenics. This means no cannabis (THC is a strong hallucinogenic and even when I tried low THC, or what was labeled as no THC, I got psychotic.) I keep away from any spiritual journey drugs such as magic mushrooms or Ayahuasca. My brain is too fragile to handle anything that is hallucinogenic.
5. I tell my friends what to look for. In the beginning I needed a lot of help from others. I needed people to say, “Julie, you asked me to remind you if I thought you sounded paranoid. I am reminding you now.” This helped me a lot. Eventually, I was able to control it on my own.
6. I keep away from people who are paranoid. I don’t have friends who believe in conspiracy theories, government cover-ups or chem trails. This doesn’t mean they are wrong and I am right. It means that this kind of person is not safe for me. It makes me ill to be around another person with paranoid thinking and talking.
7. I put my thoughts in a journal and they STAY there. I am always shocked to go back and read what I wrote when I was sick. I think, “Good heavens. I was really paranoid. I am SO glad I didn’t say anything!”
8. I take meds if needed. They help a lot.

It’s incredibly important to listen to others if you have the symptoms of paranoia. Your brain is not your friend when symptoms are raging. I had to ask for help with all of this.

Tips for Friends, Siblings, Family Members and Health Care Professionals

Make your own thinks, says and does list so that you will not get caught in a Bipolar Conversation. You can then decide how you want to approach the issue. I believe in preparing scripts to use when a friend is not doing well. For example,

Julie, you have been very honest with me about your bipolar disorder and I appreciate this. Right now, I feel that we are in a situation where the bipolar is doing some of the talking. I am concerned about what you are saying and feel you are in a mood swing. I’m here to discuss this with you.

Or

I know that these thoughts come up when life is stressful. I can tell you that I have not changed and you have not changed. The thoughts you have and the feelings you are experiencing sound intense, but please know they are not related to us. We can work on this together.

It helps to have a plan in place that you discuss when your friend is stable. You can ask, “What would you like me to say when I can tell you are paranoid?” And then use the words another person created for you.

Do you have signs of paranoia? Is paranoia causing problems in a friendship with someone who has bipolar? Please know that paranoia rarely goes away. It is a symptom that needs to be managed. Doing this as a team makes a lot of sense!

Julie

PS: My next post will be on trigger management. I’ll cover how I recognize and remove triggers to manage the paranoia as well as other aspects of psychosis.

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie is a board member of The International Bipolar Foundation, a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine.

She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. Julie is currently writing a book for children called Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis and Depression. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going.

You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com.