Occasional Spikes of Mayday: The Power of Analogy When Talking About Mental Health

Fran and I find analogies helpful when discussing mental and physical health. This is especially true when one person has little or no experience of what the other is attempting to convey. In this post I want to share a few models and analogies we find useful, and introduce a new one we’ve only recently taken up. I’ve described a few of these previously in The Stress Bucket and Other Models That Help Me Talk about Mental Health.

Spoon Theory

Perhaps the most well-known analogy for chronic illness is the spoon theory created by Christine Miserandino. The idea is that people living with energy-limiting conditions such as MS (multiple sclerosis) and fibromyalgia begin each day with a limited number of energy units, represented by spoons. If you’ve ever come across the terms spoons or spoonies online in a health context, that’s what they’re talking about.

Waves

Although Fran and I reference spoon theory on occasion, we’re more likely to employ our home-grown models. I’ve always loved the sine wave analogy Fran employed on a TV interview to describe her symptoms.

My chronic fatigue syndrome operates like this ... [Fran draws an up and down sine wave in the air.] My bipolar depression operates like this ... [She draws a second wave.] And sometimes they go like this ... [She draws two synchronised waves.] And sometimes they go like this ... [Fran draws two waves out of phase, so that one peaks while the other bottoms out.] It’s really quite a bizarre experience.

In those few sentences Fran captured for me the essence of a life lived with distinct but overlapping health conditions. As we describe in our book, waves also feature in the model a friend of ours uses to explore her relationship with depression.

My analogy is a sunny beach. The sea represents my depression. If I’m in the water out of my depth I’m not feeling so good. If I’m knee deep I am getting better. If I’m walking on the beach with waves lapping at my feet it’s much better. If I’m on the dunes looking back at the sea view at sunset I am happy and content, at peace for a while.

No one can hold back the tide of illness by willpower alone, but the clarity of our friend’s model acknowledges a degree of personal responsibility.

Flatness

Analogies also serve as a form of verbal shorthand for thoughts and feelings that might be difficult to express in detail. In Flatness and Disinclination I described how I use “flat” as shorthand for a sense of feeling low. “Not actively low or depressed; it’s more like the absence of any specific emotion than the presence of a negative one.” I can use the term with Fran or other friends to let them know how I’m feeling without having to go into details. This is especially helpful to me because I find it extremely difficult to label my feelings and emotions, a key indicator of alexithymia.

The Box on the Shelf / Waterfalls

Other analogies of ours include The Box on the Shelf for handling difficult issues or situations, and the analogy of a waterfall which relates to holding space for other people.

I thought for a moment about the term holding space. We use it a lot, but I’d never really considered what it means. “The idea,” I continued, “is to hold a space open for everything that’s being shared to flow into.”

I offered an analogy. “Imagine you’re standing beside a waterfall. If it’s a small waterfall with a small pool, you can stand close by. If it’s a big waterfall it will have a bigger pool and more spray and splashing. You would stand further back so you can appreciate it without getting wet.”

The waterfall analogy is about maintaining healthy boundaries, and is one we reference on a regular basis.

Air Traffic Control

I recently shared a blog post about air traffic control (ATC) as an analogy for aspects of a supportive friendship. As I wrote in Squawk 7700 “The radar analogy is a useful addition [to my toolbox]. Like an air traffic controller, I scan my collection of friends to see how everyone is doing, and to make sure no one gets left out or forgotten about.”

Plate Spinning / Mayday and Pan Pan

For a long time, Fran has been advocating for her elderly parents. This can be both mentally and physically draining, not least because things seem to transition from one crisis to another with little intervening respite. It can be difficult for Fran to prioritise the different items that need addressing or following up. During a recent conversation I reminded her of the plate spinning analogy I’ve found helpful when similarly overwhelmed. I’ve described this previously in How I Keep My Plates Spinning (Mostly).

I’ve focused on how I keep my plates spinning, but sometimes there’s just too much crockery up there! It’s more graceful to catch a few pieces before they fall and set them safely aside, but it’s okay if one or more end up on the floor. Maybe we took on too many tasks at once, either because we overestimated our capabilities or because we were given little opportunity to say no. Maybe we tried to handle just a little too much drama, our own or other people’s. Maybe life simply threw more at us than we could ever hope to keep going at the same time.

I also offered a new analogy rooted in my fascination with aviation. Mayday and Pan Pan are internationally recognised distress calls used by aviators to alert air traffic control to issues they’re dealing with. Mayday is used where there’s an imminent and serious threat to life or the aircraft. Pan Pan is a lower level alert. It’s used for situations which are urgent but not immediately life-threatening. In each case there are defined procedures for both aviators and ATC so that the situation can be resolved as safely as possible. In the case of a Mayday call, the aircraft will be afforded immediate and full attention of all relevant emergency and support services, with other aircraft and airport movements being adjusted or suspended as necessary until the crisis is over.

I asked Fran what kind of alert she’d issue for how she was feeling. She said she’s been living in a pan pan scenario for a long time, “with occasional spikes of mayday.” It’s not that I was unaware of how things had been for her. We talk every day about whatever’s going on for both of us. But those few words — using an analogy which I’d offered her because it resonates for me — conveyed the reality of her situation in a way I could immediately appreciate and understand. It was a great example of the power of analogy in helping us understand what’s going on for someone else, and in sharing how things are for us.

Over to You

In this blog post I’ve described a number of models and analogies which Fran and I find helpful when we’re discussing aspects of mental and physical health. Do any of them resonate for you? Do you use analogies to help you describe your symptoms to friends and loved ones? Do friends and loved ones use any when describing their situation to you? Which do you find most useful? Are there any you feel are unhelpful because they trivialise or gloss over the details? We’d love to hear your thoughts, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Camilo Jimenez at Unsplash.

 

The Box on the Shelf: A Strategy for Handling Difficult Issues and Situations

In a recent article I discussed a number of models and analogies that help when I’m talking about mental health. One strategy which didn’t make it into that article is the box on the shelf. Fran and I find it a useful tool when handling things we’re concerned, frustrated, or anxious about. The idea is to imagine yourself putting your thoughts and worries into a box and setting the box on a shelf. It gives you a break from thinking about it all the time. When you’re ready, you can take the box down from the shelf, open it up and work on whatever it is that’s been worrying you. Once you’re done, you put it away again until next time.

What Goes in the Box?

The box can contain anything you’re hung up about. It might be an issue you’re having with a friend or family member. It might be a friendship or relationship breakup you’re struggling to navigate. It could be something at work that’s annoying or frustrating you. Whatever it is, you’ve likely been wrestling with it for some time. Maybe you can’t see a way through, or you’re waiting for something — or someone — to change so you can take the next step and move forward. The issue is playing away at the back of your mind almost all the time so that you find it difficult to focus on other things. That’s the time to put it in a box and set it aside for a while.

What Kind of Box?

It’s a virtual box and you get to decide what kind and size you find most appropriate. You might imagine it as an ornately carved wooden box, an enamelled tin box, a jewellery box, or treasure chest. You might equally image it as an antique suitcase or a battered cardboard box. Whatever feels right to you. Fran has occasionally used an actual box to help reinforce the imagery.

Opening the Box

When you’re ready to think about your issue, find some space and time where you can focus on it without being disturbed. Close your eyes and imagine yourself taking the box down from the shelf. Sit with the box in your lap. Remind yourself that there’s nothing to fear, then open the box and take out whatever it is you placed in there.

No matter how difficult or painful the issue may be, take a little time to observe it from the outside, as it were. Turn it over in your hands. How big is it? How heavy does it feel? Is it hot or cold? What shape and colour is it? Is it solid and rigid, or can you unfold or open it a little to examine it more closely? Sit with it as long as you feel comfortable, then return it to the box and close the lid. When you’re ready, return the box to the shelf.

You might not feel you’ve gained any new insights or made progress, but you’ve done enough for now. Give yourself permission to focus on other things for a while, knowing the box is safe on its shelf. You can take it down again at any time. As Fran expresses it, “You give it your attention. Then you put it away so you don’t have to obsess about it constantly.”

A Few Examples

You might be wondering how Fran and I use this in practice. It’s not something we use all the time but it came up in conversation recently. For several days we’d discussed a number of issues Fran was having. We seemed to be going round in circles without making much progress. I invited her to imagine herself turning the issues over in her hands, exploring them in whatever ways worked for her (for example, discussing them with me and other friends, or writing her thoughts down), then putting them back on the shelf for a time so she could focus on other things.

Fran thanked me, then asked if I was doing the same with some issues I’d been dealing with. I hadn’t, but I’ve used it since our conversation. I’ve also used it in the workplace. Just the other day I realised one particularly intractible technical issue was causing me to become frustrated and distracted. I messaged my co-workers: “I’m going to put this in a box on the shelf for now, because it’s really stressing me out!”

It can also bring a note of humour and relief to difficult situations. “You’re going to need a bigger shelf for all these boxes!” I joked with Fran on one occasion, reflecting how many things she had going on. Another time I observed, “Sometimes it’s not so much a case of putting the box on the shelf, as digging a hole, dropping the box in the hole, and setting the whole thing alight!”

Boxes Are Not Forever

The box on the shelf is a strategy for dealing with troublesome or persistent issues a little at a time, setting them aside in between so you can get on with other things. It’s not intended as a way of hiding things away or putting them off altogether. My friend Louise expressed it well. “I like the box idea as a way of dealing with things step-by-step,” she said. “As long as they’re not left in the box forever, never to be dealt with.” She shared a line she's found helpful in the past: “Shelving things has never worked out for us!!”

When the issue’s been dealt with, there’s no further need for the box. You might imagine yourself emptying it of anything that remains inside so you can use it again. Or you might want to throw it out altogether. It’s up to you. As Fran puts it, “[o]ne way or another, there comes a time to let the box go.”

Other Box Models and Analogies

Writing this article has reminded me of other box models and analogies. Continuing the idea of putting troublesome memories and thoughts out of reach, fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson suggested the idea of a trauma box, “[b]ecause people can put their traumas into a box in their mind.”

Schrödinger’s Cat is a well-known thought experiment in the field of quantum mechanics, involving a cat and a box. Less well-known is Schrödinger’s fishing tackle box, an idea which helped me explore a number of issues relating to my family and childhood. Pandora’s box also springs to mind, although in its original form the container opened by Pandora was a large storage jar rather than a box. Whatever its nature, the item had been left in the keeping of Pandora’s husband. The story can be interpreted as a cautionary tale about the dangers of delving into things not meant for us. The 1995 movie Jumanji starring Robin Williams is play on the Pandora theme, albeit with a decidedly happier ending.

I’ve focused on putting troublesome thoughts, ideas, and issues into boxes, but sometimes we may choose to pack loving, caring feelings away, against a time when they may more readily be expressed. I’ll close with the opening lines of a poem written many years ago.

my love, come quickly,
For a while we must put aside desire
In a little box, labelled: “Passion. With care.
Do not open until we are both sure what to do with it”.
We must hide it underneath the bed with your copies of New Society and my hopes of tomorrow.

— From “Lovepoem (6)”

You’ll find that poem and many more in my anthology Collected Poems: 1977–1984.

Over to You

In this article I’ve explored the box on the shelf, a strategy Fran and I employ when processing difficult situations and feelings, especially those which seem intractable or likely to persist for some time. What strategies do you use when dealing with such feelings and situations? What works for you? We’d love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Erda Estremera at Unsplash.