This Isn't a Mindfulness Book, or Is It? A New Book by Sarah Fader

A good friend of ours, mental health writer and advocate Sarah Fader, has a new book out. According to the title, it may — or may not — be a mindfulness book. Intrigued, I caught up with Sarah and asked if she’d tell me a little about her book and why she wanted to write it.

SF: This book is important to me because my mom taught me how to manage my anxiety with mindfulness when I was eighteen. That was over twenty years ago and it stayed with me.

MB: What’s the key message you have for your readers?

SF: I want people to know that mindfulness isn’t just a trendy word. It can help you cope with panic and anxiety, and there are simple ways to incorporate it into your life that you may not have thought of.

This Isn’t a Mindfulness Book, or Is It? My mindfulness journey plus three easy ways to meditate in everyday life is available from Amazon (print and Kindle).

Amazon com | Amazon UK

I found it an interesting read. If you’ve heard of mindfulness but don’t know what it is or if it might be for you, this serves as a short introduction by someone who has used mindfulness to positive effect in their own life for over twenty years. The book is organised as follows:

• What mindfulness means to me
• What is mindfulness?
• How does mindfulness help you?
• Is mindfulness hard?
• How can I incorporate mindfulness into my daily life?
• Three ways to practice mindfulness
• What does mindfulness mean to you?

So, it is a mindfulness book? I’d say yes. You won’t learn precisely how to do it (there are short examples) but you will have a greater idea of what mindfulness is about, and whether it’s likely to be for you.

About the Author

Sarah Fader is the Co-Founder of Stigma Fighters, a non-profit organization that encourages individuals with mental illness to share their personal stories. She has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Psychology Today, The Atlantic, Quartz, The Huffington Post, and McSweeney’s among others.

Sarah is a native New Yorker who enjoys naps, talking to strangers, and caring for her two small humans and six average-sized cats. Sarah lives with Bipolar type II, OCD ADHD, and PTSD.

Sarah has guested with us previously:

• Anxiety is Addictive
• Anxiety is my Wingman … I Think
• OCD Makes My Life Hard
• Uncertainty Makes Mental Illness Worse

You can read more about her at www.sarahfader.com

 

How Sharing Quiet Moments Can Deepen Your Friendship

Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap. (Unknown)

As we approach Time to Talk Day (February 3), I can only agree with Rethink Mental Illness that “[c]onversations have the power to change lives — helping to create supportive communities where we can talk openly about mental health and feel empowered to seek help when we need it.” The book Fran and I wrote about our now ten-year friendship is founded on our belief that any successful mutually supportive relationship requires a commitment to communication. That commitment is important no matter how close or far apart you are geographically, but it’s especially so for us, given that we live on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

There’s nothing quite like having someone you feel safe enough with to talk openly and honestly about whatever’s going on for you. It can help enormously, whether you’re simply sharing what’s happening, exploring options, or asking for — or offering — assistance and advice. But support and caring aren’t always about doing things or talking things over. Sometimes there is no need for words. Sometimes there is a need for silence.

I was reminded of this last week on one of our regular evening video calls. Fran and I talked for a while about our respective days, and how we were feeling. We were both pretty low and we talked about that, but we were also really tired. I asked Fran if she wanted to end our call early so she could rest. She thought for a moment, then suggested we stay on the call but spend it resting together quietly.

Even three thousand miles apart on a video call, sharing silence is an intensely personal, even vulnerable, experience. Nevertheless, I agreed readily and closed my eyes. Fran did the same. For maybe twenty minutes we shared the space without words. It was lovely, and much needed. I wasn’t trying to think about anything in particular, or not think about anything in particular. I simply closed my eyes and sat there in my rocking chair. Fran afterwards claimed I’d fallen asleep while we were taking our little time out. I denied it at the time, but I was certainly tired enough for it to have been true!

It reminded me of times early in our friendship when Fran would call me late at night. She was in mania at the time and barely sleeping, her mind was far too active. Talking with me helped calm her down, and sometimes I’d stay quietly on the call until sleep caught up with her. It didn’t always work, but sometimes it did.

Meditation is another great example of sharing quiet time. We started meditating together after Fran read about the potential benefits of meditation in cases of depression. We signed up for a free three-week online course and meditated together on our daily calls. Afterwards, we compared notes and discussed the topics raised in that day’s lesson. It gave us a shared purpose, and the opportunity to explore topics we might otherwise never have encountered.

It’s been a while since we meditated together like that, but I got a lot out of it in the past and we might take it up again at some point. It’s worth saying that it’s not always a comfortable experience, as we describe in our book:

Meditation is by no means always an easy discipline. At times, we have found ourselves confronting aspects of ourselves we were unaware of, or thought closed. As Fran put it, “I think the meditation is bringing up things I need to face. It is making me more aware and I don’t like it. I am resisting it.” Despite the challenges, we persevered, and have completed several courses together. It is immensely supportive in such situations to have someone who understands what we are experiencing, and the context in which it is being experienced.

Fran and I spend a lot of time watching movies and TV shows together. That’s not silence as such, but we tend not to talk much while we’re watching. I used to wonder if we watched too much TV and worried that it had become a substitute for conversation, but I’ve come to value the cosy quiet times when we settle down of an evening to watch our favourite show. It confirms our commitment to each other and provides an opportunity to simply be in each other’s space and lives without needing to “do things” or “talk about stuff” all the time.

Fran’s not the only friend I’ve spent quiet time with. I’ve written previously about visiting my friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson for an afternoon of journaling and scrapbooking. We’ve also shared quality quiet time watching movies, writing for our respective blogs, and travelling to and from events. Whatever the circumstance, it’s good to be sufficiently comfortable with someone not to feel the need to fill every minute with conversation.

In writing this post, it’s been interesting for me to think about which friends I spend quiet time with, and those I don’t. With the latter, it’s not necessarily that we couldn’t. In some cases, it’s more that we tend to meet in places or circumstances which are not conducive to silence. It’s something worth bearing in mind when you are planning time with friends. No matter the time or venue, however, we can all allow space for gaps in the conversation to emerge, without immediately needing to fill them with words.

It’s worth pointing out that I’ve been talking about what I might call gentle, peaceable, or consensual silence. We’ve all known the opposite — the awkward, even painful, silences that arise at times between even the closest of friends. If it occurs a lot with certain people, there may be something going on that needs to be brought into the light, but I’ve learned to allow even uncomfortable silences to have their place, without seeking to break or question them at the time. In my experience, they don’t always imply there’s anything wrong with your relationship. They can reflect nothing more or less than the other person’s tiredness, preoccupation with other things, or even episodes of dissociation. Allowing such times to be there without challenging them in the moment can be an act of trust and compassion.

I’m going to close with a few lines written many years ago, which I’ve quoted previously in a post inspired by Ed Sheeran’s “Castle on the Hill.” They recall a time of blissful silence shared with friends at Alderley Edge as night fell across the Cheshire Plain. It remains one of the most profound experiences of my life.

Beneath the trees
Beneath the stars
Cautiously we found each other
And a place for silence.

 

Do you share quiet time with your friends? What kind of shared silences work for you? How do you handle awkward silences? We’d love to hear from you!

 

Photo by Leo Rivas on Unsplash.

 

Is Being "Too Sensitive" a Bad Thing?

No place for beginners or sensitive hearts
When sentiment is left to chance.

(Sade Adu and Raymond St. John. “Smooth Operator.”)

Have you ever wondered if you’re too sensitive or need to be more thick-skinned? Have others said it to you? The question came up recently in three separate conversations with friends and I’d like to explore it in some detail because it feels important.

I’m wary of labels like “too sensitive” or “too thin-skinned” because they imply there’s some universal scale of sensitivity and you’re outside the acceptable range. There may be some truth in that but careless use of such labels fosters stigma, including self-stigma when we use them about ourselves.

That said, my friends used words like these to describe what they’re going through. Setting my reservations aside, what did they mean?

What Does “Too Sensitive” Look and Feel like?

In their different ways my friends were expressing the belief that they respond to things in unhealthy ways, or to an unhealthy extent. This might manifest in many different ways.

• Responding with frustration or anger if it seems people don’t understand what we mean or how things are for us.
• Becoming anxious about what someone might do or say next time we see them.
• Becoming irritated when friends don’t check in with us as much as we’d like them to, or when they want to connect with us all the time.
• Feeling people are being judgmental or vindictive towards us.
• Feeling hurt or distressed at things that don’t seem to upset other people as much as they do us.
• Reacting in ways others find inappropriate or that seem disproportionate to what actually happened.
• Feeling abandoned or pushed away when people ask for space or want to pay healthy attention to their boundaries.

In conversation it might sound like:

“My neighbour has his music really loud. It’s very distracting. I wish I weren’t so sensitive.”

“I need to be more thick-skinned then it wouldn’t hurt so much.”

“I worry too much and get offended easily. I take things too personally, like when my friend said what she said. I got mad rather than just acknowledging that I don’t agree.

Isn’t That Just Part of Everyday Life?

Up to a point, yes. Whatever our history or situation, we’ve all developed ways to deal with what life throws at us. Mostly we do a pretty good job of it. But sometimes our strategies don’t work as well as they usually do and we’re hit by something — or a series of somethings — that overwhelms our capacity to deal with it.

Maybe we’re overstressed or fatigued. Maybe we’ve not slept well for weeks or are dealing with chronic pain or a physical health condition. Maybe we live with a disability or a mental or behavioural health condition. Relationship problems or worries about friends and relatives, money, employment, housing... any of these can affect our ability to handle the twists and turns of everyday life. It’s worth remembering that what is “everyday” to one person might be difficult, traumatic, or triggering to someone else.

Whatever the circumstances, sometimes we find ourselves reacting in ways we normally wouldn’t, or shutting down because we can’t deal with everything all at once. That’s when we may need to look at how we’re doing and consider new strategies.

Is It Them or Me?

Given that we’re mostly talking about issues with other people, it’s valid to ask if the problem lies with their behaviour or our reactions to it. It can be hard to distinguish between banter, a difference of opinion, personality clash, bullying, harassment, and abuse — especially if our perception of what’s happening differs from the other person’s or from the opinion of other people involved. It’s important to trust our instincts, but that’s not always easy if we’ve come to doubt our ability to accurately gauge what’s going on — or if there’s someone telling us we’ve misread the situation or are overreacting.

Maybe we are — or maybe we are being subjected to gaslighting, which is a form of psychological abuse in which the victim is manipulated into doubting their sanity. The term comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight” in which Ingrid Bergman’s character Paula is almost convinced by her husband that she’s imagining things, when in fact he is scheming against her. Gaslighting can occur in any relationship, especially ones with an unequal power dynamic, including the workplace. It’s a strategy often adopted by narcissists to control and abuse their targets.

All that said, it’s important not to automatically blame the other person or assume they are trying to manipulate us. Most people aren’t out to trap, bully, or denigrate those around them. Most people are doing the best they can, often under circumstances we know little or nothing about. Fran has a phrase she likes to use: “Everyone gets to be who they are. Even the assholes.” It reminds me that we’re not responsible for (or able to change) other people, even those we find difficult or have issues with. On the other hand, we don’t have to excuse or condone behaviour that hurts us.

What Can I Do about It?

Our options depend on what’s happening.

Gaslighting or abuse

If you’re being subjected to gaslighting, intimidation, or any form of psychological, physical, or sexual abuse, consider seeking help. The NHS provides information and support links for the UK. Wikipedia has an equivalent listing of global resources. If it is happening in your workplace, there should be a reporting process for bullying or harrassment.

Physical and mental health

Being highly sensitive is not a diagnosis in itself but there are clinical conditions which encompass forms of emotional oversensitivity. These include borderline personality disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder, major depression, and social anxiety. Physical health conditions including chronic pain, fatigue, and insomnia can also affect how we react. If you feel your issues might be health-related discuss your concerns with your doctor.

A friend of mine anticipated some difficult times ahead which might be hard for her to manage. Based on past experience she consulted her clinician to see if a change of medication might be appropriate. Fran and I keep an eye on how she responds to people and events because over sensitivity can be a red flag for mania or bipolar anger.

Give yourself space

If the problem is circumstantial and temporary you may find yourself less overwhelmed once the situation calms down. In the meantime, or if things keep triggering you, take yourself out of the situation if possible. A friend of mine does this if she finds herself overwhelmed or triggered. It can help to have someone you can safely let it out (or “vent”) to.

Meditation

Fran and I find meditation helps us respond more calmly and proportionately to whatever’s happening in our lives. Other friends of ours also find it useful. I recommend the loving-kindness meditation because it focuses on our attitude to other people. There are a number of versions, my favourite is this one by UNH Health and Wellness.

Resilience training, NVC, and the Four Agreements

You might benefit from learning some more healthy approaches to handling stress and situations that trigger you. If so, you’ll find a range of information and training available online for resilience training (for example here, here and here) and nonviolent communication (NVC). Also called compassionate communication, NVC is based on the idea that we all have the capacity for compassion and only resort to violent or harmful behaviour when we are unable to find more effective strategies to meet our needs.

With Nonviolent Communication (NVC) we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Through its emphasis on deep listening — to ourselves as well as others — NVC helps us discover the depth of our own compassion. This language reveals the awareness that all human beings are only trying to honor universal values and needs, every minute, every day.

Fran and I have found NVC helpful in exploring our responses to difficult situations with each other and with other people.

A friend recently mentioned something I’d heard of but knew very little about.

Have you seen The Four Agreements, Marty? One is: Don’t take anything personally. When other people say shit to me like that it’s a reflection of their ignorance and narrow mindedness. It really has nothing to do with me.

She was talking about a body of work inspired by The Four Agreements: Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz. The agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word.
Don’t take anything personally.
Don’t make assumptions.
Always do your best.

Of these, the second and third have the most to say about being (or feeling we are) too sensitive.

Don’t take anything personally. “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

Don’t make assumptions. “Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”

Taken together with NVC, these principles remind us that other people have their issues, hangups, perspectives, and needs too. We don’t have to like how they behave towards us or others but we have options. Not leaping to conclusions, and not assuming we are at fault, can take us a long way towards responding in ways we feel comfortable about.

I’ll close with a quotation from a blog post I came across whilst researching this article:

If considering yourself as a ‘highly sensitive person’ (HSP) helps you understand yourself, and works to make your life easier and more fulfilled, wonderful. And if it means you focus your sensitivity in useful ways like being creative and empathetic, even better.

But if you find you are using being oversensitive as an excuse, then not so great. If you are opting out of relationships, for example, or not going after the career you want, because you are ‘too sensitive’, then that is not helpful.

And if you suspect you had childhood trauma or did not receive the love and care you needed when young, then it’s a very wise idea to reach out for support.

Do you consider yourself to be “too sensitive”? Do you consider it a blessing or a curse? Have you ever thought life might be easier if you were more thick-skinned? Do other people’s words and actions affect you more than is healthy for you? If so, what changes or strategies have you found helpful? We’d love to hear from you.

 

Photo by Nicole Baster on Unslpash.

 

How to Deal with Early Recovery during the Pandemic

By Daniel Wittler

We are in the midst of a very difficult time. Covid-19 has taken away many of the luxuries we have in life and have taken for granted. Of course, many of these things are materialistic and possible to live without. There are certain groups of people that are being much more affected than most. I can’t tell you how many times a day I wonder how people in early recovery are doing while this is going on.

I think about myself in early recovery and there were days where the biggest thing I needed was to go to a meeting and talk to somebody about the giant funk I was in that day and what I could do about it. There is a lot of power in simply talking to one another in recovery. Someone in early recovery feeling trapped and stuck from the outside world is a terrifying thought.

Thankfully, with all of the advances of technology we are not truly alone. We are able to connect with our friends and family through internet/webcam services. Sure it’s not the same as being with someone in person but it sure is much better than being all alone! For those in early recovery, let’s go over some ways to still build your recovery.

Zoom / Skype meetings

A big trend has been online meetings for everyone stuck at home, I have even heard of IOP programs doing webcam meetings to keep everyone who is part of the program connected to each other and able to get therapy still. Let’s be real, the absolute worst for anyone in recovery, new or long-time, is to isolate and not talk to anybody. When we do that our minds begin to take over and things can get ugly quick. This is the last thing we want to happen.

The beauty of online meetings is that you can still hear a message of hope, and can also share the struggle of being stuck inside while trying to maintain your sobriety. Remember you are not the only person struggling in early recovery during this pandemic! Sometimes, sharing your struggle and hearing people relate to it really gives a great perspective and can help you get through the day.

Meditation / Affirmations

I am a big believer of starting your mornings with some type of ritual. For me personally, when I wake up, my head is filled up with a lot of negative thoughts. I don’t know what it is about sleep but my head becomes completely negative even after having a very positive day the day before.

For a long time in recovery I would just roll out of bed and head to work with little thought about getting in the right frame of mind. About a year ago I began waking up at least an hour and a half before work and practicing some things such as the following.

• Meditation — It is very simple to get started, but hard to master. Meditation means just getting your mind still and quiet for a small amount of time. The effect is extremely powerful and benefits range from peace of mind to major inspiration.
• Positive Affirmations — We can be our own worst enemies; sometimes it’s necessary to sit down and tell yourself what you like about yourself. Starting your morning by telling yourself what you like about yourself may sound silly, but it has a powerful effect.
• Pen and Paper — There is a lot of power in pen and paper. Get an empty notebook and after meditating sit and write anything you are inspired to. I’ll take a few minutes to write stuff down every morning. Sometimes it’s affirmations, other times it’s my plan for the day. It can be anything that you feel like doing. It’s a simple and powerful tool; make it your own.

Find Your Gratitude

Gratitude does not come to most of us naturally, unfortunately. I am very prone to self-centered and negative thoughts. Once we get sober and develop some self-awareness, we must catch ourselves in that negative state of mind and pause. When you pause, think about what you are truly grateful for now that you are sober.

To be perfectly blunt, imagine how much harder it would be to continue your addiction during this whole pandemic crisis. The fact that you made the decision to get sober in an extremely troubling and scary time should be something that gives you a real boost. Remind yourself of what you are grateful for throughout the day, even if it’s the same handful of things. Reflecting on gratitude is like a shot of positivity every time we go over it.

Above all during this troubling time, remember that you are absolutely not alone. Do what you need to do and go that extra mile to strengthen your recovery. Whether it’s reaching out to people on the phone or online all day, developing a nice practice and ritual for yourself or simply focusing on what you are grateful for. Every new day sober should feel like a new victory, every tough moment you survive will strengthen your soul. You can do this.

About the Author

Daniel Wittler is a writer in recovery and mental health advocate. He has been living with depression since he was a teenager and has found ways to live and thrive with it. Daniel is a regular contributor to Pax Riverbend.

Photo credit: Dustin Belt via Unsplash.

 

Some Things I’d like to Cultivate and Harvest This Year

By Jen Evans

My friend Marty wrote down some things he’d quite like to do this year and I liked his idea so much that I thought I’d do the same. I’ve never been one for resolutions. They always seemed too resolute and never last because I think I literally expected too much of myself. But cultivating and harvesting ... a slow, gradual harvest over the year, that seems reasonable.

When I think of cultivating, I think of habits that take time to build and maintain, and have to be worked on each day, or a set amount of time each week, in order for them to harvest. Here is what I’d like to cultivate and harvest this season.

1. Three times a week, I would like to write down in a journal all the things I am grateful for during that week.

2. Meditate twice a week and log it or write about the experience.

3. Cultivate a healthier me. To me this looks like a girl who makes healthier choices around food and who likes the way she looks in a mirror. I’d like to get down to 200 lbs. And if I can do that, I may be able to do more. I feel like this is my greatest challenge. I love sugar and I’ve spent a lifetime eating foods that do not nourish my brain, heart and blood, and I’m scared. I want this to be easy. I don’t want to give up my foods. I don’t want to have to work so hard and yet, if I don’t there will be physical repercussions. There already are as I type this. I have never been successful at this, so it’s hard for me to write it here and own that I want the easy road on this front.

4. Cultivate some new friendships with people who won’t leave. Hmmmmm ... I’m not so great at making friends, and lately even less great at keeping friends. I have an illness and I have done and said some things I wasn’t forgiven for. This hurt and, like my eating, I’m feeling scared and a little hopeless having this item on my list.

5. Do two selfless things this year without telling anyone what I did specifically. This could be working for charity or giving or helping a friend or someone in need. I actually have done one thing already. But that’s all I can say about it. Two more, I think, to make three altogether.

6. Take a trip. I’m hoping for New York City. This depends on a variety of factors so it may not happen, but it’s definitely something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

7. Writing. I will be writing a lot for school, so I’m not sure what I can write on the side. It’s something I want to do more of this year, however, so it’s a habit to cultivate.

8. Attend one speaking engagement this year. This one is a biggie for me, and does rely on some outside things. Still, it’s a goal.

9. Join Toastmasters and grow my public speaking skills. (This might be a good thing to do first. I have started this process; I have to pay some dues before I become a toastmaster.)

10. Read one book for fun.

As I read through this list I wonder if it is too much. Well, these are things I do want and I realize that some of them take work and commitment. I suppose anything that’s worth doing or having in this life does.

Gardens are work, but man they yield such whole-hearted, fortifying stuff. Even just a flower. It all takes time to grow beauty.