When you go home, do you look around and wonder, “Who are these people, where did I even come from?” I mean, you look at them all, sitting there, you know... they look familiar, but who the hell are they?
— Claudia, Home for the Holidays
A few weeks ago I mentioned to Fran that I needed to find something to write about. Without hesitation, she suggested I write about what Thanksgiving means to me. I said I couldn’t really do that as I’m not an American, but I could imagine I’d feel somewhat the way I do celebrating Christmas as an atheist. That is, conflicted. Fran paused, smiling. I realised what she’d done. She’d led me into discovering an angle to explore. I reminded her she’d done the same twelve years ago when she suggested I write a book about being friends with someone with mental illness. Both ideas were too good for me to dismiss! Hopefully, I joked, the blog post wouldn’t take as long to write as our book had.
Christmas is a religious celebration of Christ’s birth, yet you’ll find no mention of god, church, or Jesus in my account of What Christmas Means to Me. I enjoy traditional carols and songs such as Here We Come a Wassailing by English folk singer-songwriter Kate Rusby. Steeleye Span’s Gaudete is another favourite, but the Pogues’ Fairytale of New York and Let it Go From the Disney movie Frozen evoke Christmas better for me nowadays. Food is also important, whether it’s dining out with friends or the family meal on Christmas Day. In short, I celebrate Christmas in ways I find meaningful, ignoring its underlying religious message. It’s hypocritical, I know, but I’m far from alone in that.
I can’t speak with any authority on the origins and meaning of Thanksgiving as celebrated in the United States. From Fran and other American friends, I know it’s one of the most important social celebrations of the year, second only — if that — to Christmas. It’s a time people gather with friends and family for company, thankfulness, and good food. It’s not a time people look to be alone. My friend Jen recommended I watch the 1995 movie Home for the Holidays, saying “it’s hilarious but also realistic.” I haven’t managed to watch it in full, but from the trailer I think I’d enjoy it.
The movie’s message seems to be that family gatherings are always going to be difficult but blood is thicker than water and we shouldn’t let differences divide us. As Henry Arson put it, “Opinions are like assholes, honey. Everybody’s got one and everybody thinks everybody else’s stinks.” That’s true up to a point. Some differences of opinion are to be tolerated in those we love. Pineapple on pizza, yes or no? is the classic example. Sometimes, though, differences are far more fundamental, and harder if not impossible to accept. That’s arguably more true this year than any other in recent history.
Despite the original settlers’ Protestant religion, modern Thanksgiving in the US is a secular holiday. As an atheist I’d have no qualms taking part, but there are other reasons to feel uneasy. The popular idea that the first Thanksgiving was a peaceful celebration by the pilgrim newcomers and the Native Americans has been challenged on historical as well as moral grounds. The pilgrims brought diseases previously unknown to the native people, who at times were kidnapped and enslaved, and ultimately displaced from their lands. The following is excerpted from a BBC article Thanksgiving: Why some push back against the holiday’s “mythology”.
The origin of the Thanksgiving holiday dates back to a harvest feast held in 1621 between the Wampanoag, a Native tribe who occupied the land long before, and the newly settled English colonists in America. The gathering is widely seen as a celebration of the alliance between the two groups, but leaves out the ways in which those ties were broken.
It’s unsurprising that some Native Americans and those cognisant of their history don’t celebrate Thanksgiving but observe it as a day of mourning.
The myth of the family coming together in peace and unity is exemplified by Norman Rockwell’s painting Freedom from Want (also known as The Thanksgiving Picture or I’ll Be Home for Christmas). Superficially wholesome and reassuring, such myths can place enormous demands on family members, whether they’re responsible for organising the gathering or expected to attend. We’ve shared guest posts on this topic in the past, including Let It Go: Reducing Holiday Triggers for Your Child, Season’s Greetings, and How I Unplugged the Christmas Machine and Created Stable Holidays.
The myths can ring very hollow for people finding themselves alone, or whose family situation is less than idyllic. This is viscerally expressed in the song December Hurts written by RØRY, Dan Lancaster, Sean McDonagh, and Dom Liu.
Hark the herald angels sing
To the ones who can’t go home tonight and got nobody to ring
Hark the herald angels sing
To the kids who hear their parents fight and miss out of everything
Oh, the Christmas song you never heard
Deck the halls with sadness
Cos for me December hurts
I mentioned that Thanksgiving was arguably more problematic this year. I’m observing things as a non-American from the other side of the Atlantic, but I see a great deal of anger, disappointment, and uncertainty about Thanksgiving being voiced on social media in the aftermath of the US presidential election. One person commented that this is either going to be the most uncomfortable Thanksgiving for many American families, or the most cancelled Thanksgiving. Another declared that this is the first year ever they won’t be attending Thanksgiving dinner with their family. How representative these comments are is impossible to guage, but the emotions expressed are intense, raw, and appear genuine.
To state the obvious, these comments are by people on the political left, who are variously shocked, appalled, and scared by the election result and what it will mean for them, their friends and loved ones, and the nation they love. Those on the political right likely feel they have everything to celebrate, of course. Whatever your politics, it’s clear to me that American society is more polarised and entrenched right now than at any time in living memory. Falling so soon after the election, Thanksgiving is the first and most obvious demonstration of this division, but Christmas isn’t far behind. To quote Adele in Home for the Holidays, “I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year. Except we do, because those bastards went and put Christmas right in the middle, just to punish us.” These fractures may prove difficult to heal.
We’ve witnessed something of that polarisation on this side of the Atlantic. Brexit in particular cut across traditional political lines and exacerbated divisions between friends and within families. Notwithstanding this year’s election of a Labour government, politics in the UK appears to be shifting to the right as it is elsewhwere. I’m not aware of an equivalent boycotting of family gatherings here, but I imagine some difficult decisions are being made. Full disclosure: if I was American I would vote Democrat. I could no more countenance voting Republican than I could vote Conservative here in the UK.
I asked Fran what she thought about Thanksgiving this year. She said she still sees it as an opportunity to celebrate. Despite all I’ve written, I agree with her. I’d want to spend Thanksgiving with those I feel closest to and safest with. This is a time when coming together with those most important to us is especially important. How and with whom we do that is up to us. We don’t have to buy into all the hype. There’s no need to stress out or put ourselves into debt buying lavish gifts and catering for large groups of people just because that’s how we’re told it should be done. We’re not required to give our attention, time, and presence to people whose opinions and choices are fundamentally at odds with ours. We don’t have to compromise our values, beliefs, and wellbeing to keep the peace.
Rather than despairing that things have changed, we can take it as an opportunity to focus on the things — and people — most important to us. One comment I saw on social media expressed this perfectly for me. “Family dynamics are supposed to change as people grow up, move out, marry and die. Start new traditions. We don’t live in a Hallmark movie or turkey commercial after all.”
I think that’s worth celebrating. And there’s always pie.
Photo by Preslie Hirsch at Unsplash.
