Pause for Thought: Hesitation is My Super Power

Marty taught me to hesitate.

— Fran Houston

TW: Mention of suicidality and self-harm

This blog post was inspired by a recent conversation with Fran. She described how she’s learned from me to hesitate over certain things where previously she’d have acted instinctively — and not always wisely. I knew it was a topic worth exploring but with respect to the theme I decided not to rush into doing so. I let it sit with me for several days. Every now and again an idea or reference would come to me and I’d jot it down, but I didn’t begin working on this post for a week or more.

The Perils of Hesitation

One of the first things I do when starting a new blog post is research quotes relevant to the topic. Other people’s words often afford me a fresh perspective, or provide a hook on which to hang my arguments. In this case, I was looking for quotations highlighting the positive aspects of hesitation, with a few contrary perspectives about hesitating too much or too long.

The latter weren’t hard to find. Building on the proverbial “He who hesitates is lost” Mae West declared “He who hesitates is a damned fool.” As an aside, the former is a misquotation or adaptation of a line in Joseph Addison’s 1712 play Cato: “The woman that deliberates is lost.” Oscar Wilde took things a stage further in his play The Importance of Being Earnest in which Lady Bracknell utters the damning indictment, “Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old.” Amongst many other counsels against hesitating, the following three are indicative.

The minute you hesitate you are in trouble.
― Steve Waugh

Make up your mind to act decidedly and take the consequences. No good is ever done in this world by hesitation.
— Thomas Huxley

Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.
— Patrick Swayze

I could see what they were hinting at but it felt very one-sided. Surely there were some positives to hesitation.

The Positive Side of Hesitation

I found only one quotation explicitly extolling the merits of hesitation. In a line heavy with current geo-political relevance, former Prime Minister of Israel Golda Meir stated that “A leader who doesn’t hesitate before he sends his nation into battle is not fit to be a leader.”

Hesitating before taking any action that may harm others or ourselves is sound advice. Whether framed as hesitation, interruption, distraction, or pausing, not acting on perilous thoughts is central to strategies intended to prevent or limit the effect of suicidality and self-harm. This doesn’t only apply to the person at risk. It applies to us as the listener too. As I’ve explored previously in How Are You Really? Eight Things I’ve Learned About Suicidality and Self-Harm it’s easy to react out of fear if someone tells you they have thoughts of suicide or self-harm. Knee-jerk responses are unlikely to help, however, and can be unhelpful. As Fran expressed it to me on one occasion, “The worse thing someone can do is to be shocked. A much better response is ‘tell me more about how you feel.’” If we’re prepared to listen without judgment — to pause — we open a space in which both people can feel safe. For links to crisis and help lines check out our resources page. Details of suicide awareness and prevention training can be found in our article 17 Online Suicide Awareness Courses and Podcasts.

More generally, it’s wise to pause when approaching any situation which may be unhelpful or unhealthy. My friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson reminded me of the DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) strategy known as cost benefit analysis. In a DBT context, this classic decision-making technique can be used to challenge old, unhealthy patterns of thinking, allowing them to be replaced by more healthy thoughts.

Perplexed at how few positive viewpoints I’d found, I changed my search from “quotations about hesitation” to “quotations about pausing.” Suddenly, everything fell into place. It was clearly a matter of semantics. Several writers focused on pausing in order to appreciate the progress we’ve made or the world around us. Guillaume Apollinaire reminds us that “Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” Albert Einstein pushed things up a notch, declaring “He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.” Amongst reminders of this kind I love Bruce Feiler’s quirky “Take a walk with a turtle. And behold the world in pause.” It’s impossible to mention turtles and not to think of Crush, the laid-back surfer-dude sea turtle voiced by Andrew Stanton in Disney/Pixar’s 2003 animated film Finding Nemo and the 2016 sequel Finding Dory.

Former professional cyclist and three-time Olympic gold medalist Kristin Armstrong highlights the benefits of pausing in order to reset our thinking and open our minds to new perspectives. “It’s not only moving that creates new starting points.” she says. “Sometimes all it takes is a subtle shift in perspective, an opening of the mind, an intentional pause and reset, or a new route to start to see new options and new possibilities.” The benefits to our thinking are further emphasised by Indian singer Shreya Ghoshal. She wrote, “I believe that when the going gets tough, you should just hit pause. Assimilate what is happening for ten minutes. Your thoughts will be much clearer.”

“Look before you leap” is a call to prudent hesitation originating in the fables of Aesop, a slave and storyteller who lived in ancient Greece around 620 BCE. In The Fox and the Goat, a fox falls into a well and can’t get out. A thirsty goat walks by and the fox persuades the goat to jump into the well to get a drink. The fox climbs on the goat’s back and escapes, leaving the goat unable to escape. When the goat asks the fox for help, the fox tells him he has only himself to blame. “If you had as much sense as you have beard, old fellow, you would have been more cautious about finding a way to get out again before you jumped in.”

The caution of Aesop’s fable is challenged by a poem by Christopher Logue (often wrongly attributed to Guillaume Apollinaire, to whom it was dedicated) called “Come to the Edge.”

Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It’s too high!
COME TO THE EDGE!
And they came,
and he pushed,
And they flew.

The meaning is clear. If we push through our fears (or are pushed) we can overcome what holds us back. However intoxicating the message, it’s profoundly dangerous. As I wrote in Just Don’t: Ten Reasons Not to Do the Thing it’s not for others to push us over the edge. The motivation to transcend our fears must come from within us, albeit with encouragement and support.

Hesitation and Action: the Critical Balance

As with most things in life, there’s a balance to be struck. In the present context, the balance is between leaping into things without regard to the risks and consequences, and missing opportunities by waiting for things to fall perfectly into place. It’s not always clear in advance when to act and when to pause a while longer. Author and life coach Tony Robbins suggested that “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” In that moment, we may decide to do the thing, but there’s no shame in paying attention to our fears and putting it off for another day. A gentler call to action is afforded by Mark Victor Hansen.

Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.

For Fran the distinction is clear. “Procrastination can lead to you damning yourself,” she told me. “There’s a power in choosing to hesitate.” She continued with an example. “When someone e-mails me my tendency is to reply immediately rather than give it space. I can react or hesitate and think about what my response might be. Hesitation is giving space.”

My tendency to hesitate helps counter Fran’s impulsivity, which can be heightened by mania and anxiety. “Hesitation is a way of protecting myself for my mental wellness,” as she put it. Rather than respond immediately to what someone says or does, I’ll encourage her to pause and consider if what she’s feeling and thinking is grounded in fact. An immediate response or action is rarely necessary, although we remain aware of the counter danger. As Fran expressed it, “The other side is I ruminate for days or weeks over things.”

My Experience of Hesitation and Pause

But what of me? How do I strike that balance? I called hesitation my super power, but do I hesitate too much? Just the right amount? Not enough? There’ve undoubtedly been times in my life when it would have been better to pause to consider the consequences of what I was about to do. The times that spring to mind are from decades ago. Most concern my feelings towards other people. I fell in love easily and deeply. I just didn’t always know what to do with those emotions. As Elvis Presley sang in “Can’t Help Falling in Love”:

Wise men say
“Only fools rush in”
But I can’t help
Falling in love with you.

By acting impulsively or recklessly I embarrassed, confused, and hurt people I cared about more times than I’m comfortable recalling. It’s something I was aware of at the time, as evidenced by several of my poems from those days.

A voice I recognise dies screaming
NOREGRETS!
but I regret the months confused the
rhymes you (were they all ?uneasingly) inspired
because I never wanted to confuse you
— from “26.”

.then a fiercer
flame repels: the memory of
another that my flutterings
confused (an age too long ago.
— from “Mothly”

i feel i’ve found a newfriend
in you .someone to think fondly of
speak fondly to, afraid though i
might hurt you (like the rest)
by coming on too strong
— from “untitled three”

Experiences such as these left me with a mistrust of spontaneity and a tendency to overplay the hesitation card. As a result, I’ve undoubtedly missed out because I hesitated too long. I once deflected an explicitly romantic advance from someone I liked very much with a kiss on the nose, so confident was I there’d be plenty of other opportunities for us to take things further. It was hesitation on a comedically epic scale and I still cringe at the memory. They say at the end of life you recall the opportunities you failed to take up. If so, I’m pretty sure that will be one of them. (Sorry, Jenny!)

More prosaically, I twice declined promotion at work before finally accepting when it was made clear the offer wouldn’t be made a fourth time. I missed out on maybe a year’s elevated salary as a result of my hesitation. Continuing the financial theme, I recently opened a new savings account after holding several thousand pounds in my current (checking) account for years where it earned zero interest. Now and again I’d research options but always hesitated to make a decision. Each month’s procrastination lost me the interest I’d have earned if I’d moved the money somewhere else. Finally, I recognised that I didn’t need to find the perfect solution. There would always be a higher yield account or savings plan on offer somewhere. I only needed to choose one with a decent rate of interest. I made the decision and moved the money.

I believe I’m learning to find that sweet spot between healthy and unhealthy hesitation. This applies not only to my own life but how I feel about and respond to what my friends and loved ones are going through in theirs. Everything from how to respond to e-mails, invitations, challenge, and conflict, to handling new friendships and relationships. The following quotation by Lori Deschene, founder of Tiny Buddha, reminds me this is a skill that requires practice to perfect.

Practice the pause. Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly, and you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.

There’s an echo there of the Sufi saying attributed to the 13^th-century Persian poet and mystic Jalāl al-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmī (Rumi).

Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

This is a favourite of Fran’s and something she reminds me of from time to time. It cuts to the heart of the hesitation paradox for me. Many of my past issues might have been avoided if I’d known Rumi’s words and paid heed to them.

Over to You

In this article I’ve explored what hesitation and pause mean to me. What do you feel about these topics? Are you someone who takes time to think things through or do you respond instinctively to situations and events? Have there been times you wish you’d stopped to consider the consequences of your actions? Are there things you’ve missed out on because you hesitated too long? What is your super power? Fran and I would love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Humberto Portillo at Unsplash.

 

How to Be Kind and Clever

I’ve played Taylor Swift’s most recent album Evermore a lot since it came out in December. Four lines in particular caught my attention, from the song “Marjorie.”

Never be so kind
You forget to be clever
Never be so clever
You forget to be kind

Let’s take a look at what it means to be kind and clever; clever and kind.

Never Be So Kind You Forget to Be Clever

I mentioned my idea for an article inspired by these lyrics to my friend and fellow blogger Aimee Wilson of I’m NOT Disordered. She immediately understood what I meant.

“Maybe something like the importance of looking after yourself whilst supporting someone else?”

“Yes! That’s exactly the sort of thing I was thinking about. Being there / being helpful / being kind on the one hand, but also being “clever” about boundaries.

There can be an uneasy balance between wanting to be kind on the one hand and being clever (or wise) about it on the other. It might appear a good thing to be relentlessly and selflessly kind, but in my experience selflessness is profoundly unhealthy. Unchecked, it can lead to emotional and physical burnout, frustration, and codependency. In my mother’s case, a lifetime of supporting others exacerbated a deeply rooted self-doubt and led ultimately to anxiety, depression, and despair.

I think it helps to see boundaries as being kind to yourself as well as to others, rather than as erecting walls that keep you apart from other people. Self-kindness can take many forms. I explored a few that are meaningful to me in an article I wrote last year. The first of these was boundary work:

Kindness isn’t always easy, whether it’s showing kindness to others, accepting it from others, or being kind to yourself. Kindness isn’t fluffy, soppy, or superficial. At its heart, kindness is about honesty, respect, and maintaining healthy boundaries. I’ve done a lot of work this week on my boundaries, to see which are truly important and protect me from harm, and which are walls my ego has erected to defend an inflated sense of self-worth. It’s tough work but I feel I’m making progress, with the help of friends I trust to be honest with me. That’s kindness in action, right there.

Being wisely kind also means respecting the boundaries of others. Sometimes, the wisest and kindest thing is to recognise that the other person doesn’t want or need our help right now.

Never Be So Clever You Forget to Be Kind

Boundaries are not an excuse or apology for failing to help people when help is wanted and you’re able to provide it. On the contrary, maintaining healthy boundaries means we’re better prepared to be kind when the opportunity arises. In the words of the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”

It’s worth remembering that kindness benefits you as much as the person on the receiving end. Done right, it’s an exchange which leaves both parties enriched. In the words of singer/songwriter Ruth Bebermeyer,

When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.

And it’s never been more important — more clever — to practice kindness. As the coronavirus pandemic took hold around the world, the Mental Health Foundation chose kindness as the theme for Mental Health Awareness Week 2020 “because of its singular ability to unlock our shared humanity. Kindness strengthens relationships, develops community and deepens solidarity.” Or, as Fran put it in her essay Kindness is the Key for Maine-based mental health non-profit Family Hope, “Social interactions can be lifesaving or death provoking. When people are aware and understanding they can be the tipping point between life and death.”

Being too clever, or overthinking, can get in the way of kindness. It’s too easy to find ourselves meting out our coins of kindness as though others need to deserve our consideration. I touched on this in 16 Ways to Be Kind for last year’s Mental Health Awareness Week.

Did you ever see someone asking for help, on the street or online, and pass them by because maybe they’re not genuinely in need or you wonder what they might do with the money? Put your suspicions, judgements and counter-arguments on hold for a day and take the next person you meet at face value.

In similar vein. Aimee Wilson suggested doing one random act of kindness each day in a guest post for us at the start of lockdown last year:

I’ve seen a lot of people on Twitter recently purchasing an item from someone’s Amazon wishlist and I thought that was a brilliant idea! You could also send a nice email or even just a thoughtful gif or quote!

Kindness doesn’t always mean doing something specific for someone else. It can be as simple as living genuinely and honestly, as this unattributed quotation attests:

There are people in your life whom you unknowingly inspire simply by being you.

I was blessed the other day to receive two random acts of kindness and appreciation. One thanked me for the posts I share on social media, saying, “They really help.” The second thanked me for my support, compassion, and friendship. I had little idea my life impacted on theirs so positively. Their kindness meant a great deal to me.

Getting the Balance Right

I’ve included several quotations in this post, because other people’s wisdom and experience can shine a light into our lives. But it’s an act of self-kindness to acknowledge our own wisdom. As I was writing this article I came across something I posted on social media a couple of years ago. It was a photo of clasped hands with the words “Always help someone. You might be the only one that does.” With the image I’d shared a few words of my own. Rereading them, I smiled. They are relevant not only to this article but also to my life at this moment. I share them here for you.

Yes, healthy boundaries are important. Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves before we are in a place to help others. And sometimes we are not the person they need. But that doesn’t negate the simple message that we can all make a difference. YOU can make a difference. Be the person, perhaps the only person, who doesn’t turn away. Who picks up. Who dares to care.

 

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Main image: Balcony Concerts, by Catherine Cordasco. “I would like through this illustration to show solidarity, generosity, creativity between people even with social distancing. We are all together and we all support and take care of everyone!” Submitted for the United Nations Global Call Out To Creatives. United Nations COVID-19 Response on Unsplash.