Gum on My Shoe: International Men's Day

Showing posts with label International Men's Day. Show all posts

Tuesday, 19 November 2024

Six Qualities and Twelve Men I Admire: Positive Thoughts for International Men’s Day

We are all perfectly imperfect.
— Fran Houston

Observed each year on November 19, International Men’s Day (IMD) celebrates the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities, and raises awareness of men’s health and well-being. The theme for 2024 is “Positive Male Role Models.” As I explained in a 2022 article on gender identity, I’ve never been big on heroes or role models. I nevertheless explored my relationship with some of the most influential men in my life. These included my father, uncles, one of my male cousins, as well as two characters from fiction: Sam Gamgee (JRR Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings) and Jimmy Perez from the TV detective series Shetland. I’ve also written about four men who inspire me in different ways: my son Michael Baker, Johnny Benjamin MBE, and friends Quinn Brown and Peter McDonnell.

I covered less savoury aspects of what it means to be a man in last year’s IMD post: Big Boys Cry Too: Challenging Toxic Masculinity for International Men’s Day. The question of toxic masculinity raises the counter question: what is non-toxic masculinity? I came across a short video recently by Steve Bartlett in which he challenged the concept on the basis that behaviours people consider non-toxic such as caring, empathy, and nurturing are conventionally attributed to women. Furthermore, healthy expressions of traditionally male traits such as competitiveness, ambition, courage, and strength are valid irrespective of gender. “Non-toxic masculinity is basically an empty set,” Bartlett claimed. “[Masculinity] is either bad, or nothing.”

I have some sympathy for this perspective. I don’t see men and women require different sets of “good” and “bad” behaviours. I might struggle to define “good” and “bad” behaviours (moral relativism is a topic for another time) but there’s no reason a person’s ability to demonstrate them need depend on their gender, no matter how that’s defined or attested. Rather than write about positive male role models, I’ve decided to pick six qualities and behaviours I admire in others and endeavour to emulate. I’ll illustrate each with men who for me exemplify those qualities and behaviours. I’m confident each of the people I include would affirm or have affirmed their gender as male, but that is an assumption on my part.

The qualities and behaviours are: Independent Thought, Effective Communication, Assertiveness and Self-Confidence, Open Enquiry and Respectful Disagreement, Leadership and Endurance, and Devotion and Sacrifice. The men I’ve chosen to illustrate these are: Sir Roger Penrose, Sam Harris, Albert Camus, James Grime, Neil Degrasse Tyson, Brian Cox, Sir David Attenborough, Christopher Hitchens, Alex O’Connor, Robert Falcon Scott, Sir Ernest Shackleton, and Anatoli Boukreev.

Independent Thought

Sir Roger Penrose, Sam Harris, Albert Camus

I find independent thinkers refreshing. By that, I mean people prepared to go beyond what is considered conventional or convenient truth. I’ve selected three men who in different ways have helped me challenge my beliefs and assumptions.

The first is British mathematician, physicist, and Nobel Laureate, Sir Roger Penrose. I can’t claim to have more than a (very) sketchy grasp of his contributions to mathematics, science, and philosophy. The aspect of his work which has caught my attention and interest is conformal cyclic cosmology (CCC). It’s a theory which proposes that the ultimate fate of the current universe is — or will be, after unthinkably long periods of time have elapsed — equivalent to the the start of the next. According to CCC, this cyclicity extends not only into the future, but into the past. The big bang in which our current universe began was conformally equivalent to the ultimate fate of the previous universe. CCC is not without its critics, but for me the point is less the objective truth of a given theory, and more its value in encouraging us to think in new ways.

My second example is American philosopher and neuroscientist Sam Harris. His work encompasses religion, ethics, neuroscience, psychedelics, and artificial intelligence amongst others, but it’s his proposition that free will is an illusion that engages me most. So much of how we operate as individuals and how society works is based on the assumption that we have free will. That is, we are more or less free to decide what we will do and say, and are thus to be held responsible for our decisions and actions. The idea that free will is an illusion is intellectually and ethically challenging, to say the least.

My third example is French-Algerian philosopher Albert Camus. I’ve written about Camus previously, focusing on his philosophy of Absurdism. In brief, Camus describes as absurd the contradiction between our inbuilt search for purpose and meaning and the universe’s lack of response on the matter. I find the brutal realism of Absurdism liberating, not least because it validates and explains how I’ve felt most of my life. Rather than falling into nihilism, Absurdism challenges us to find our personal sense of purpose and delight in life, without looking for it beyond ourselves.

Effective Communication

James Grime, Neil Degrasse Tyson, Brian Cox, David Attenborough

Having great ideas is one thing, but being able to communicate them effectively is a separate skill. We all remember that one teacher at school who engaged us in their specialist subject, or the co-worker who could always be relied on to explain the difficult bits. My first example is mathematician and public speaker James Grime, best known through the Numberphile YouTube channel. His enthusiasm and excitement is unrivalled, and a delight to watch, whatever your level of interest and knowledge of mathematics.

In the area of science and cosmology, I include American astrophysicist and science communicator Neil Degrasse Tyson, and English physicist and broadcaster Brian Cox (the latter is not to be confused with either the Scottish actor or the American film director, both of the same name). I personally find Brian Cox hard to watch, but there’s no doubt he’s an accomplished communicator. Tyson can come across as condescending but I find him eminently watchable.

My final example is Sir David Attenborough. The veteran broadcaster, natural historian, author, and presenter needs little introduction. The seminal nine part Life series and documentaries including The Blue Planet and Planet Earth brought the wonder of the natural world — and the impact of human society on it — to a world-wide audience.

Assertiveness and Self-Confidence

Christopher Hitchens

Assertiveness and self-confidence are valuable qualities when employed to ensure our voice, opinions, and warnings are heard. As the saying goes, “Shy bairns get nowt.” This proverb, popular in the North East of England, reminds us that if we’re too shy, or don’t speak up, we won’t get what we want. Someone who could never be described as a shy bairn is (was, he died in December 2011) Christopher Hitchens. Born in England, Hitchens emigrated to the United States in the 1980s and adopted dual citizenship. He was a prolific writer, journalist, and educator. I first came across him a few years ago in his role as one of the so-called “four horsemen” of New Atheism, along with Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Daniel Dennett. I’ve watched many of Hitchens’ public debates, discussions, and conversations. His approach could be described as combative and unrelenting. The term “hitch-slapped” arose amongst his admirers to label occasions when he used his formidable wit and encyclopedic knowledge to put down his debating opponents. I discovered Hitchens at a time when I was exploring my own relationship with atheism, politics, and world affairs. I don’t agree with him on all points, but his anti-religion, anti-monarchy, and pro-democracy positions affirm many of my own.

More than his specific beliefs, though, it’s Hitchens’ self-confidence and willingness to put those beliefs to the test against other — and often extremely hostile — opinions which I most admire. He rejoiced in being, in Jeremy Paxman’s words, a contrarian and polemicist, asserting in a 2010 interview that “only division can bring progress.” Challenged by Paxman on his uncompromising atheist and anti-religion stance, Hitchens claimed “One of the beginnings of human emancipation is the ability to laugh at authority.” I respect Hitchens also for his attitude regarding his own approaching death from throat cancer. In that same interview, he stated “I’m not afraid of being dead. I’m afraid of a sordid death. [...] I feel a sense of waste about it, because I’m not ready. I feel a sense of betrayal to my family and to some of my friends who would miss me.” As I begin exploring end of life planning and legacy for myself, his matter-of-fact approach to death, and his refusal to succumb to mawkish sentimentality or religious bet-hedging sets a high yet potentially reachable bar. To the end, Hitchens was unapplogetically himself. I could wish no finer obituary for myself.

Open Enquiry and Respectful Disagreement

Alex O’Connor

Where Christopher Hitchens was abrasive and confrontational, Alex O’Connor exemplifies the qualities of open enquiry and respectful disagreement. I first came across Alex a few years ago, through his YouTube channel Cosmic Skeptic. His videos cover topics that interest me a great deal, including philosophy, atheism, free will, ethics, and morality. His many guests, opponents, and discussion partners have included William Lane Craig, Jordan Peterson. Sam Harris, Ben Shapiro, and Richard Dawkins. Through all of these conversations, discussions, and debates, I’ve never heard Alex raise his voice or appear angry or aggressive. He has a refreshing ability to hold his ground in the face of challenge, yet remain open, curious, and respectful towards contrary argument. In an age where so much is presented to us in soundbites as black or white, right or wrong, yes or no, Alex reminds me that things are rarely simple or clear-cut. He exemplifies a gentle yet nonetheless intellectually honest and rigourous approach to issues that matter to me a great deal.

Leadership and Endurance

Robert Falcon Scott, Ernest Shackleton

I’ve been interested in polar exploration since childhood, when I was gifted a small book about the exploits of Robert Peary, Robert Falcon Scott, Roald Amunsen, and Ernest Shackleton. Of these, Shackleton and Scott still stand for me as exemplars of leadership and endurance. Scott is a controversial figure. He’s often characterised as a romantic hero cheated of his prize by fate (and Amunsen) yet ultimately victorious in the noblest tradition of epic failure. Revisionist historians portray him as a naive and foolish amateur whose poor decisions endangered his expedition and led to the death of the final party of five, including Scott himself. Whatever the truth of the matter, it’s clear he was an inspirational leader able to encourage and motivate those under his command though adversities that would paralyse others.

My awareness of Sir Ernest Shackleton is based on the 2002 TV miniseries Shackleton starring Kenneth Branagh in the title role. It tells the story of his 1914 expedition on the ship Endurance, the intention being to cross the Antarctic continent from one side to the other. After overwintering on the ice, the Endurance sank, forcing Shackleton to lead his men on what would prove to be a journey fully worthy of their former ship’s name. After months floating on the ice and five days at sea, the party reached Elephant Island but discovery and rescue were unlikely. With five companions, Shackleton undertook a harrowing fifteen day journey in the one remaining lifeboat, eventually reaching South Georgia. Crossing the island on foot to reach the whaling station, Shackleton raised the alarm. All twenty-two men left behind on Elephant Island were eventually rescued, after a total of four and a half months. Despite failing in his goal to cross the Antarctic continent, Shackleton’s adventure remains one of the most staggering tales of courage, leadership, and perseverance in the face of apparently overwhelming odds.

Devotion and Sacrifice

Anatoli Boukreev

The sixth behaviour I admire can be described as devotion and sacrifice, putting one’s own situation aside temporarily in order to help someone in need. I say temporarily, because always putting other people’s needs before our own is unhealthy, exhausting, and ultimately unsustainable. Shackleton would have served as a great example, but the person I’ve chosen is the late Soviet and Kazakh climber Anatoli Boukreev. Anyone familiar with the 2016 movie Everest which covers the 1996 Mount Everest disaster, will recall Boukreev’s role as lead guide for the Mountain Madness expedition headed by Scott Fischer. After blizzards closed in, Boukreev rescued three climbers stranded above 8,000 metres. His behaviour and choices that day have been the subject of considerable controversy, most notably in the account of the disaster in Jon Krakauer’s book Into Thin Air. I’m ill equiped to dissect the rights and wrongs of the situation, but Boukreev was subsequently awarded the David A. Sowles Memorial Award by the American Alpine Club. The award recognizes people “who have distinguished themselves, with unselfish devotion at personal risk or sacrifice of a major objective, in going to the assistance of fellow climbers imperiled in the mountains.” Boukreev died three weeks after receiving the award, attempting to climb the south face of Annapurna.

Conclusion and Controversy

Many of the men I’ve mentioned have been considered controversial, or worse. This is one of the reasons I struggle with the concept of heroes or role-models. We’re all flawed, some more so than others. It’s also true that we only ever know people partially, especially the famous or apperently successful. Holding someone up exhibiting behaviours or attitudes we admire — as I have done here — doesn’t mean we think they’re perfect. It would be wrong to assume I agree with or admire these men in all aspects of their life, beliefs, thinking, and behaviours.

I’ve mentioned some of these controversies and flaws already. It wasn’t hard to find others. Sam Harris has been accused of Islamophobia. Albert Camus’ life and writing are frequently categorised as colonialist and sexist. In 2018 Neil Degrasse Tyson was accused of rape and inappropriate sexual advances. David Attenborough has been criticised for promoting an overly romanticised view of the natural world, and for his warnings on the impact of overpopulation and other human activities on the environment. Christopher Hitchens has been variously condemned for his heavy drinking, bigotry, antisemitism, support for the military invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan, and his ascerbic criticism of such prominent figures as Mother Theresa, President Bill Clinton, and Henry Kissinger. Ernest Shackleton has been described “as a deeply flawed man, a poorly-organised adventurer obsessed with fame and wealth, a congenital womaniser who habitually cheated on his wife, and whose repeated business failures left him the equivalent of £1.5million in debt when he died.”

It might seem as though there are no positive male role models to be had, and that’s partly my purpose in writing this piece. Rather than putting people — regardless of their gender — on pedestals, we do better to acknowledge when they exhibit behaviours and attitudes we admire, hold them to account where they fall short, but above all remember that like us they are human, complex, and perfectly imperfect.

Photo by Dawid Zawiła at Unsplash.

Wednesday, 15 November 2023

Big Boys Cry Too: Challenging Toxic Masculinity for International Men's Day

Be quiet, big boys don’t cry.
— Eric Stewart / Graham Gouldman. “I’m Not in Love.”

Observed each year on November 19, International Men’s Day (IMD) celebrates the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities. It highlights positive role models and raises awareness of men’s well-being, including mental health. It’s also an opportunity to face up to some of the less wholesome aspects of men’s lives and behaviour. For IMD 2022 I explored what being a man means to me. This year, I’m taking a look at toxic masculinity, which affects not only men but also our families, relationships, and wider society.

What Is Toxic Masculinity?

Let’s start with what toxic masculinity isn’t. It’s not an attack on men, men-shaming, blaming men for all the ills in the world, or denying the rich and varied contributions men make in all walks of life. It doesn’t claim that being male or masculine is toxic or unhealthy. Rather, it highlights some attitudes and behaviours conventionally associated with being a “real man” which are demonstrably hurtful and harmful. Here’s a definition by Mental Health UK.

Toxic masculinity is a term describing certain unhelpful assumptions about what it means to be “masculine” such as being stoic, not showing emotions, or being outwardly violent and “tough” versus being “soft” and emotional. These perceptions can be perpetuated by the media, which portrays men showing vulnerability as “weak” and something to be mocked.

Attitudes such as these have been passed down from generation to generation and remain deeply ingrained in gender expectations and stereotypes. We see them perpetuated by the media and social media, in movies and on television, and within social settings including our co-workers, families, and friends. They’re so commonplace that many people see them as completely normal and acceptable. When you hear “boys will be boys” as an excuse for aggressive or inappropriate behaviour, that’s toxic masculinity at work.

Toxic masculinity manifests in many different ways, including the repression of emotions, dominance, aggression, and inflexible ideas about what it means to be a man or boy. It serves as a foundation for mysogyny; inappropriate behaviour; and physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. It underlies extremist ideologies including male supremacy and the incel (“involuntary celibate”) sub-culture.

In a less extreme but nonetheless harmful context, toxic masculinity asserts that it’s unmanly to express emotions, to cry, to show sadness, admit we’re feeling depressed or anxious, or demonstrate vulnerability in any way. My father lived with physical illness and pain all his adult life, but he kept his feelings and emotions close to his chest. I can only recall him crying once in my presence. As I wrote in an open letter to my father decades after he died: “You never let me see it’s okay to cry and be weak sometimes, and share how you’re feeling when life is really shitty. I have no idea how you felt about your life. Or your death.” That open letter was challenged by a friend who called out my use of “weak” in that context. She felt I was still perpetuating the idea that crying is a sign of weakness. Her challenge led me to explore the idea of weakness itself. I shared some of the healthy male role models I’ve known in my life in Being a Man: Exploring My Gender Identity.

There’s nothing wrong with competition, with striving to excel, or wanting to improve one’s standing. But the idea that we need to win at all costs, that losing means failure, and that failure is unacceptable, drives unhealthy competitiveness and a lack of compassion and understanding for others. The never-ending urge to succeed, to beat those around us, to push ourselves on relentlessly, can lead to problems in our relationships, and stress-related health issues.

The assertion that certain careers, jobs, or roles are specifically and uniquely masculine or “man-like” is as toxic as the idea that certain roles are specifically and only for women. Anyone not conforming to these roles and expectations, whether from choice or otherwise, faces significant push-back, and discrimination which can affect our sense of identity, self-esteem, and well-being.

What’s the Problem?

Having set out what toxic masculinity is (and isn’t) let’s explore it’s impact in more detail. Why does this matter?

It can be hard for men to talk about how we’re feeling or allow ourselves to be vulnerable in front of others when we’ve been raised on the idea that it’s unmanly to express and explore our emotions. Not everyone feels the need to share how they’re feeling all the time, but wanting to open up and feeling unable to do so is a different thing entirely. Bottling things up with no healthy means of release can manifest as anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions. Toxic masculinity discourages men from asking for help or using healthy coping strategies. In their absence, men may turn to less healthy options such as alcohol or drugs. Pent up stresses may also be released in violence, aggression, and other negative behaviours.

The impact of toxic masculinity can be far-reaching. The impulse to exemplify macho “real man” behaviours and roles can place enormous strain on relationships with colleagues, partners, and family. Addressing such interpersonal issues is hindered by a stifled emotional vocabulary. This isn’t to excuse unreasonable or toxic behaviour, but it’s hard to discuss things or address the consequences of our behaviour when we have little experience of talking maturely about our feelings, fears, and motivations.

At work and in the home, stereotypes that view men as dominant and women as submissive perpetuate and reinforce inequality, limit opportunities, and stifle the aspirations of all of us. This is especially insidious in the family, where fathers and other male figures may unconsciously pass unhealthy attitudes and behaviours to the next generation.

What Can We Do About It?

As deeply entrenched as some of these ideas are, there’s plenty we can do to challenge toxic masculinity and work towards a more tolerant, equal, and healthy society for all.

It’s vital that men are encouraged to speak, in public and privately, about their feelings, fears, motivations, and problems. There are signs this is starting to happen but there remains a great deal of societal pressure to “man up” and deal with things internally. There’s an important role for media, film, and television in modeling healthy behaviours, but it falls to each of us to encourage sharing without judgment or recrimination.

More generally, we need to move away from narrow concepts of what it means to be a man. People of all genders and none exhibit a wide spectrum of abilities, qualities, and natures. Allowing each other to be who we are without being forced into restrictive gender stereotypes, benefits everyone. Promoting a culture where we feel safe, whether we “fit the mould” or not, builds genuine and stronger relationships and connections. It’s something I’m proud to say happens in my workplace. This doesn’t happen overnight or automatically. That it does is testament to the willingness and determination of people at all levels in the organisation to foster a working environment where people feel able to be and express who they are.

Campaigns such as International Men’s Day and Movember promote mental health awareness for men and counter the idea that admitting we’re struggling or need support is unbecoming, weak, or “unmanly.” Being open about how we feel helps counter the stigma traditionally associated with mental illness and encourages men to seek professional help. Online and in person support groups and communities such as Andy’s Man Club, MANUP?, and Mantality provide safe spaces in which men can share their experiences and support one another.

Starting this International Men’s Day, let’s pledge to:

Model attitudes and behaviours that counter toxic gender stereotypes.
Examine our own attitudes and behaviours. It’s too easy to disown responsibility for perpetuating, consciously or otherwise, unhealthy stereotypes.
Challenge toxic masculinity whenever and wherever we encounter it, whether in person or online. Calling out ignorant, outdated, and inappropriate behaviour empowers others to do the same.
Help create a culture in our workplaces and other environments where people feel safe and confident discussing their emotions and mental health.
Support and signpost groups and organisations that promote men’s mental health and work to improve access to mental health services.

Toxic masculinity is deeply embedded in society and breaking free from it isn’t easy, on either a personal or collective level. That said, it’s a journey worth making because the rewards benefit us all.

Over to You

In this post I’ve described what toxic masculinity is and its impact on men, our relationships, families, and wider society. What are your thoughts about toxic masculinity? Has it affected you personally? Have you felt pressured to behave in certain ways because of gender stereotypes which don’t align with how you think and feel? Perhaps you believe too much is being made of it or that men are under attack. Fran and I would love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

Photo by Tom Pumford at Unsplash.

Wednesday, 16 November 2022

Being a Man: Exploring My Gender Identity for International Men's Day

My pronouns are he/him/his.

Observed each year on November 19, International Men’s Day (IMD) celebrates the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities, highlighting positive role models and raising awareness of men’s well-being, including mental health. I shared some general thoughts on connection and conversation for IMD last year. This time, I thought I’d go a little deeper, and explore what being a man means to me.

That should be pretty easy, right? I’ve had sixty-one years to figure out what being a guy is all about. Oddly enough, it’s proven a lot harder than I imagined. It’s not that I’ve ever felt misgendered, or unhappy at being thought of as male. I’ve worn my gender identity all my life, albeit without thinking much about it. I was a boy. I am a man. But what does that mean?

Let’s start with International Men’s Day itself. Do I feel it’s for and about me? Does it resonate? It does, yes. Last year was the first time I’d engaged with IMD, building on work I’d done earlier in the year exploring aspects of my mental health in articles such as Return to Down and This Boy Gets Sad Too, and men’s mental health in general. I attended a series of sessions at work organised for IMD last November, one of which focused on men’s physical health. It prompted me to face concerns I’d had for some time, and arrange my first GP appointment in thirty years. I’m glad to say the tests, for prostate cancer, came back negative, but it brought home to me the realities of living with this biologically male body.

For me, though, being a man isn’t just a matter of biology. Trans women and non-binary people who were assigned male at birth are also at risk of prostate cancer and other “men’s health” concerns. Conversely, a trans man might have physical health issues that I never will. Maleness has nothing to do with sexual or romantic preference, either. I’ve only ever been attracted to women, but I’d be no less — and no more — a man if I was gay, bisexual, or asexual.

My gender says nothing about me as a person. I’m no better or worse, more or less worthy, as a male than if I was female, nonbinary, or agender. That said, I’d be naive to imagine my gender hasn’t influenced my route through life or how I’ve been treated. I’ve never experienced discrimination because of my gender, been held back, or otherwise treated poorly. The fact I spent most of my adult life ignorant about male privilege speaks volumes. It was easier to be ignorant because it had never affected me personally.

I mentioned romantic and sexual relationships, but what about friends? A recent newspaper article asserts that men have few meaningful friendships, quoting counsellor and psychotherapist Adrian Wilson-Smith:

There are a lot of men having functional relationships with other men – I know this guy because he can help me out with my business idea. Or partying – these are the guys that I go out with for a drink or a line of coke. But enduring friendships, of the kind seen in many female-to-female friendships, are not something that most men over forty see any need to have.

I have good functional relationships with men in the workplace, but I’ve never had party buddies of the kind Wilson-Smith describes. I definitely still have a need for caring and mutually supportive friendships, but those I have are almost all with women. Indeed, I’ve had very few male friends since I was at university. I can no longer claim to be a young man but I’m reminded of a quotation by Leo Tolstoy: “Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women.” I’ve no idea how common it is nowadays for men to have meaningful friendships with women, but the newpaper article only mentions same gender friendships: men with men or women with women.

International Men’s Day is founded on six key pillars “which are applied equally to men and boys irrespective of their age, ability, social background, ethnicity, sexuality, gender identity, religious belief and relationship status.” If manhood can encompass all those differences, there must be something that men have in common. But what? This question is important to me because despite being a man, I feel little sense of commonality with most other men, or with men in general. This isn’t new. As I wrote in Belonging (Longing to Be) I’ve never truly felt part of things.

More often than not I’ve been an outsider looking in through the window. [...] Our gender group is arguably the most fundamental belonging, but it’s eluded me. I’ve had very few adult male friends, and little of “what men are supposed to like” resonates for me.

I watch TV adverts for “men stuff” — razors, body spray, shampoo — with amusement because I relate to very little of it. (I prefer Head and Shoulders Supreme Moisture or Smooth and Silky shampoos to the Men Ultra or Classic Clean varieties. This may or may not have anything to do with me fancying Claudia Winkleman, who fronts the H&S adverts.) I’ve never felt at home in what are traditionally seen as men’s spaces or activities such as football (playing or watching), men’s clubs, or communities centred on formerly male-dominated industries such as mining or shipbuilding. Even ordering at the bar was a man skill that eluded me until quite recently. This is important because initiatives to help and support men tend, understandably, to focus on the places men go and the things men do. Except, I don’t go to those places, and I don’t do those things.

I’ve written before of peer-led groups such as Andy’s Man Club, which runs “talking groups throughout the UK for men who have either been through a storm, are currently going through a storm or have a storm brewing in life.” In similar vein, Men’s Sheds organises “community spaces for men to connect, converse and create.[...] They help reduce loneliness and isolation, but most importantly, they’re fun.” I recognise the value of such groups. I’ve even thought of seeking out a group near me. I’m nevertheless put off by the very thing that’s meant to attract me: their male-centredness. I might surprise myself if I gave it a go, but I imagine I’d struggle to relate to other members on a man-to-man basis.

All that said, I do feel I’m making progress. I identify strongly and instinctively with the message and marketing of Boys Get Sad Too, a fashion brand working for positive change. I wear my BGST hoodie with pride. It’s one aspect of “being a man” which, for some reason, I feel able to embrace wholeheartedly. That brings up the question of dress and appearance. How much does how I dress and present myself align with and express my sense of being a man? My beard is a bit of a giveaway, but then again, that’s biology not gender. In the past I’ve grown it in full Gandalf style. These days I keep it trimmed close. That may be vanity. I feel better and imagine myself looking better this way. I wear my (Smooth and Silky™) hair as long as it will grow. Long hair is important to how I see myself and I can’t imagine cutting it voluntarily. Does it make me look less, or more, “manly”? I don’t know and don’t really care. I tell myself that CSNY would approve.

I don’t believe clothes, colours, and styles are inherrently gendered, but I dress in a manner unlikely to leave anyone guessing. Most of the time I wear t-shirts and cargo pants, which are pretty much unisex, but my coats and jackets are more conventionally male. My favourite item of clothing is the Scottish tweed jacket I picked up second hand a few years ago. I’d be hard pressed to explain why but, as with my BGST hoodie, I feel good about myself the moment I put it on.

I’ve never had heroes or role models, but I’ve been thinking about some of the key men there have been in my life. I knew neither of my grandfathers, but my father and two uncles exemplified different aspects of maleness as I was growing up. I’ve written about my father before; briefly in a passage excerpted from our book High Tide Low Tide, and at greater length in an open letter. The latter, written decades after his death, captures the essence of our relationship. He was the head of the household. He was never overly strict or authoritarian, but he wasn’t open with his feelings. I loved and respected him, but I never knew him. As I wrote, “I have no idea how you felt about your life. Or your death.”

My father was distribution manager at Distillers Company Ltd. In Liverpool. I remember him taking me into his office one Saturday. I was perhaps nine or ten years old. I was fascinated by the high desks with their rows of typewriters but I never wanted to follow his choice of career. His love of Western movies was a different matter. I desperately wanted to be a cowboy; or failing that, to drive a steam locomotive like Alan Hale’s character Casey Jones in the television series of that name. Needless to say, my dreams of being a cowboy or a locomotive engineer went unfulfilled.

My father’s brother John — Uncle Jack — was an architect and pipe smoker. Those are the first things that come to mind when I think about him. Pipe smoking might be considered a quintessentially male activity, but the only other pipe smoker I’ve known was a woman I worked with in London after graduating from university. I’ve never smoked a pipe, cigarettes, or anything else, but Uncle Jack’s pipe and the paraphernalia that went with it fascinated me. He gave me a smoker’s companion: a three piece tool that slid inside a narrow metal case. I loved technical drawing at school and harboured ideas of becoming an architect like Uncle Jack until I switched allegiance to follow the biological sciences. He gifted me one of his draftsman’s mechanical pencils, a Rotring technical drawing pen, and a fully-rigged model of the Mayflower. I wasn’t his only nephew but he and my Auntie Elsie had no children of their own; a rarity in my extended family. It’s possible he saw me as a child after his own heart.

My mother had four sisters and two brothers, all but one of whom lived locally. Uncle Charlie was married to my mother’s sister Clarice (Cal). I enjoyed visiting their narrow terraced house with its sliding door leading to the staircase, its paved back yard, and the rail line running no more than twenty feet from their back gate. Most of all, I loved Uncle Charlie’s shed. He was a joiner by trade, and his shed was an Alladin’s Cave of tools, wood shavings, sawdust, half-finished projects, and glass jars holding an assortment of nails, screws, paint brushes, and other treasures. He was the archetypal artisan and craftsman who earned his living with his hands but also put his skills to use for the pleasure of himself and his family. He had a wonderful sense of humour, a permanent twinkle in his eye, and I think of him now with great fondness.

Another man who influenced me was the second husband of one of my cousins. I didn’t know him well but I remember how devoted and caring he was to my cousin and her daughters from her first marriage. That devotion served as a template or model of a caring husband and father when, many years later, I became first a step-father and then a father. I make the distinction deliberately. I’ve never understood how anyone can view their step, foster, or adopted children as any less than or different from their biological offspring. I can express it no better than this answer posted on Quora in response to the question Do you think you could ever love your step-child as much as you love your actual child?

My stepdaughter IS my actual child.
So is my adopted son.
So is my biological son.
I’m their Dad and earned that title by reading to them, feeding them, helping them with schoolwork, playing with them, listening to their troubles, caring for them when they were sick, transporting them hither and yon, and taking daily delight in having them in my life.
The notion that any of my flavors of parentage aren’t “actual” is absurd.
— Andrew Weill

I’ve written elsewhere about four men I respect, including my son Mike. Two of the people I most admire in the mental health community are men. In the realm of fiction, Samwise (Sam) Gamgee from J. R. R. Tolkien’s epic fantasy novel The Lord of the Rings exemplifies aspects of the steadfast and caring friend for me. Played by Douglas Henshall, Detective Inspector Jimmy Perez in the British television crime drama Shetland is one of very few male roles I’ve ever identified with or wanted to emulate. I wrote about him in an article titled Being Jimmy Perez: Shetland and the Art of Listening.

What struck me is how good Perez is with people going through crisis and change. (He is less good with his own crises and changes, but isn’t that the way of things? The series closes with a hint he may finally be finding a way forward.) Whether interviewing a suspect, talking with witnesses, confronting a violent crime boss, or engaging with colleagues, his stepdaughter, or a new lover, Jimmy Perez is usually calm and measured, although he can be assertive when necessary. He doesn’t always get it right but he owns his mistakes. He comes across as honest, genuine, and caring. He is someone you’d feel safe with.

Those final sentences express how I hope I’m perceived, as a person and as a man. Honest, genuine, and caring. Someone you feel safe with, emotionally as well as physically. These qualities are not the prerogative of men, of course. Maybe I’ve been asking the wrong question all along. What’s most important about Jimmy Perez, Sam Gamgee, my father, my uncles, or my cousin is surely not their maleness, but their character. I couldn’t care less whether they are sufficiently “manly.” What matters is their — and my — integrity, compassion, and goodness. No matter our gender, isn’t that what’s most precious and important about each of us?

Over to You

While writing this piece, I asked a number of people what their gender means to them. None found it easy to answer. I posed the question on social media, and received the following responses.

[To me it means] living life through understanding. (Paul)
I’ve said to many men over the years ... “Want to be a better man? Start thinking like a woman.” I do that! Mental alertness and intuition are the defining experiences of this time we live in and women are stronger in those than men! (Paul)
I’ve never given it much thought except when gender prevents a lack of opportunity for equality. I think the glass ceiling has lowered a bit but has to descend further. I’m thrilled to be part of the gender able to experience the miracle of giving birth ... then get those men back beside me to continue the journey. (Maureen)
It’s strange. Tonight, as I was out to dinner, I felt inadequate. I don’t wear make up or cutesy boots with tops and scarves. I don’t attract boys because I’m a tomboy, I think. I’m not very girly at all. I don’t wear heels or dresses unless I’m going to a funeral or a wedding. So, I’m a feminine? I don’t know exactly. From a male’s perspective, probably not. Then again — like you, Marty — I have never been group-oriented. I walk my own way. I have tremendous intuition, which feels like a great gift and at other times, a curse. I identify as a girl but I’m not typical at all. I’m fussy about my hair! I don’t paint my nails. You get the idea. In recent years, I’ve learnt a little bit about the divine feminine ... the female aspect of God. It seems fitting that there is a female counterpart to a very male God. I feel we need a balance, because we all matter and I think at our best, males, females or whomever, are sacred regardless of gender. (Brynn)

What does your gender mean to you? Do you have role models? Who are they and what do they represent to you? I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

Photo by Andrew Neel at Unsplash.

Wednesday, 31 August 2022

Time to Care: A Curated List of Posts for Mental Health Awareness Days and Events

Trigger warning: some of the linked articles contain references to suicide and suicidal thinking.

In the second in our series of themed posts I’ve selected articles that mark various mental health awareness days and events. Scroll through or click the link to jump to the relevant section.

Time to Talk Day (February)
World Bipolar Day (March 30)
Mental Health Awareness Week (May)
Mental Health Awareness Month (May)
World Suicide Prevention Day (September 10)
World Mental Health Day (October 10)
International Men’s Day (November 19)
Other Dates and Events

I’ve provided a short excerpt from each post, with a link to the original article. I will update the list as relevant posts are published in the future. For a list of other awareness days and events check out the calendar at Mental Health UK.

Time to Talk Day

Time to Talk Day is an awareness event observed each year in early February. It was launched in 2014 by Time to Change, a campaign run in England to end mental health stigma and discrimination. Time to Change closed in March 2021 but the event continues; this year’s Time to Talk Day was organised by Mind and Rethink Mental Illness in partnership with Co-Op.

Newcastle Mental Health Day 2016

Within days, I heard about an upcoming mental health awareness event in the centre of Newcastle, to coincide with Time to Change’s annual #TimeToTalk campaign. I signed up as a volunteer before the voice in my head had chance to intervene. As I wrote in my diary, “Fear of engagement has always kept me on the outside, looking in on the arena. It is time to show up for my life.”
Read the full post here.

What Does Having a Conversation about Mental Health Look Like?

Having “a conversation about mental health” might sound daunting, but it simply means allowing someone to talk openly about what’s going on for them. It might be a face-to-face conversation, a phone or video call, or a conversation by e-mail, text (SMS), or instant messaging. Whatever works for you and the other person. Whatever the channel, there are a few things that distinguish a supportive conversation from the normal everyday kind. I find the following reminders helpful.
Read the full post here.

Would You Rather? Time to Talk Day 2020

I have a confession to make. I’d never heard of, let alone played, this “popular game” until I started writing this article. Maybe I don’t get invited to the right kind of parties! To save you the trouble and embarrassment of googling it (as I had to!) the game is played by asking a series of questions of the form “Would you rather [do this] or [do that]?”
Read the full post here.

Thank You for Not Assuming I’m OK

I wrote recently about feeling flat which is something that happens from time to time. Many of my friends live with significant mental health issues and it would be easy for them to dismiss my accounts of when I am feeling low. It is a testament to them and the nature of our friendships that I feel safe sharing how I feel no matter how mild that might be compared to what are often dealing with.
My friend Aimee Wilson blogs at I’m NOT Disordered about her lived experience with serious mental health issues including borderline personality disorder, self-harm, and suicidality. My moods, issues, and problems are mostly trivial in comparison to hers but Aimee has always treated me with respect and empathy. The following exchange is a great example of this. It meant a lot that she did not assume I was okay but checked to be sure.
Read the full post here.

Talk. Listen. Change Lives. Time to Talk Day 2022

In a recent intranet post written for Brew Monday, one of the lead Mental Health First Aiders where I work remarked that starting a conversation can be a game-changer for the person needing support. I agree whole-heartedly but I’d go a step further. It can also be a game-changer for the person holding space for the conversation to take place.
Read the full post here.

World Bipolar Day

World Bipolar Day is celebrated each year on March 30, the birthday of Vincent Van Gogh, who is thought to have lived with a bipolar condition.

The vision of World Bipolar Day is to bring world awareness to bipolar conditions and to eliminate social stigma. Through international collaboration, the goal of World Bipolar Day is to bring the world population information about bipolar conditions that will educate and improve sensitivity towards the condition.

For the past few years, Fran and I have made our books available for free for one week in March to mark World Bipolar Day.

Read the details here: World Bipolar Day 2021 | World Bipolar Day 2022 | World Bipolar Day 2023

Mental Health Awareness Week

Hosted every May by the Mental Health Foundation, Mental Health Awareness Week is an annual UK event offering an opportunity to focus on achieving good mental health. There is a different theme each year; the theme for 2022 was loneliness.

Finding My Tribe

Campaigns such as Mental Health Awareness Week and Mental Health Month attract their share of resistance and criticism for not addressing some of the bigger issues. For me their principal value, and why I support them, is that they bring like-minded — and like-hearted — folk together. That has certainly been my experience. It is in such ways that we build connections, relationships, friendships, communities. It is in such ways that we empower ourselves and each other to address wider concerns and “make a sodding difference.”
Read the full post here.

16 Ways to Be Kind

We are sometimes called upon to provide long-term help or caregiving for friends, family members, or loved ones, but small acts of kindness are no less important and can make a huge difference to a person’s life, including ours. As individuals and as a society we have never needed kindness more than we do now, in the midst of a global pandemic. In recognition of this, the Mental Health Foundation chose kindness as the theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week (MHAW) which runs from 18–24 May. [...] Here are sixteen ideas to bring more kindness into our lives and the lives of those around us.
Read the full post here.

It’s Not Enough: Exploring Loneliness for Mental Health Awareness Week

The theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week is loneliness. I can’t always draw on my lived experience when discussing mental health, but loneliness is something I know first-hand. I think that’s true of everyone. We’ve all been lonely at some time in our lives, and yet each of us experiences it in our own way. Keen to elicit some different perspectives, I posted a request on social media for contributions on the theme of “what does loneliness mean to me?” I received some brilliant and heart-moving responses.
Read the full post here.

Mental Health Awareness Month

Founded in 1949 by Mental Health America (then known as the National Association for Mental Health), Mental Health Awareness Month (also referred to as Mental Health Month) has been observed in May ever since in the United States, and is also marked globally.

Here’s my bit

In 2016, Fran posted original content on Facebook every day during May for Mental Health Awareness Month. We collected her 31 contributions into three blog posts.

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave.
Read the full posts here: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

World Suicide Prevention Day

Established in 2003 by the International Association for Suicide Prevention in conjunction with the World Health Organisation, World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD) is observed each year on September 10.

Selected Articles for #WorldSuicidePreventionDay

For World Suicide Prevention Day 2020 we’ve compiled a selection of relevant articles we’ve shared over the past few years.
Read the full post here.

Maybe Even Save a Life: Our Message of Hope for World Suicide Prevention Day

This is a topic very close to our hearts and never far from our thoughts. Suicidal thinking has been part of my friendship with Fran since we met ten years ago. Indeed, it’s how we met, when we each reached out to a young woman who was expressing suicidal thoughts on her social media page. For WSPD 2020, we posted a selection of relevant articles from our blog. This year, we’re sharing an excerpt from the chapter of our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder which deals with supporting someone when they’re feeling suicidal. In the spirit of “creating hope through action” we hope it conveys the vital message that each one of us can make a difference to those we care about.
Read the full post here.

I’m Weak and What’s Wrong With That?

This article was inspired by a friend who questioned something I’d written in an open letter to my father. Here’s what she said:
I did want to briefly comment on something you wrote in your blog post about open letters, in particular the one to your father where you wrote “You never let me see it’s okay to cry and be weak sometimes.”
I question why you put “cry” and “weak” in the same sentence, and it makes me wonder what “weak” means to you, especially since you champion the “fighting stigma” cause. It isn’t “weak” to cry, or to have feelings or emotions — in fact, it’s the opposite. I think that’s important to note, especially when the suicide rates among men are so high — you may want to address that before you send out the wrong message from the one you perhaps intended.
My immediate reaction was to go on the defensive. That’s not what I meant! How could she say that? How could she think that? Did she actually read the whole letter? But then I took a moment to breathe and allowed my instinctive ego response to pass. As it shifted I felt something else: gratitude. My friend had bestowed a valuable gift. She’d offered me the opportunity to look back at what I’d written, consider what those words meant to me at the time, and what they mean to me now.
Read the full post here.

World Mental Health Day

Organised by the World Foundation for Mental Health and observed each year on October 10, World Mental Health Day (WMHD) is an opportunity to raise awareness of mental health issues and to mobilize efforts in support of mental health.

World Mental Health Day 2019

I know from personal experience how vital it can be that we feel able to ask for help if we need it, and be present for others. By doing so we contribute to a culture in which we are encouraged to share when we need to, and supported when we do. In the words of a quotation commonly attributed to Mohandas Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Read the full post here.

Attending North Tyneside World Mental Health Day Event 2019

Lara from Supporting Stars read three moving poems by local writers, after which it was time for Aimee to give her talk. Almost the entire room was quiet and focused as she shared her lived experience, the success of her blog I’m NOT Disordered, the benefits and pitfalls of social media, and how all of us can play a role in supporting those we care about. The applause Aimee received and the number of people who came to thank her afterwards says a lot about the impact someone speaking plainly and honestly can have. As I told her later, I was a very proud bestie!
Read the full post here.

Mental Health for All in an Uncertain World

Individuals and organisations will mark WMHD in their own way. Here in the UK, mental health charity Mind’s Do one thing campaign invites us to take one small step towards fostering a more inclusive and open attitude to mental health. [...] This blog post is my “one thing.” As I write I’m thinking about what mental health means to me, my role in the workplace and beyond it, the impact coronavirus has had on me and those I care about, and what the future might hold for us all. Two words characterise it all for me: uncertainty and change.
Read the full post here.

Do One Thing (A Day, a Week, a Month, a Year, Now, for You) for World Mental Health Day

This post is my invitation to you — and a reminder to myself — to do one thing to counter stigma, discrimination, and unfairness. Not just on WMHD, though. Not just occasionally, when we think about it or are reminded by some awareness campaign. But regularly, repeatedly, reliably, relentlessly; until anyone and everyone in need has access to the support and care they need.
Read the full post here.

Speaking Up, Speaking Out: Harnessing the Power of the Spoken Word for WMHD

There are few things more compelling than someone telling their story in their own voice. As Fran and I have said elsewhere, “The most important sounds we can ever share with another person are our own voices.” Speaking our truth and listening to other people doing the same counters stigma and discrimination by opening us up to lives lived differently than our own. [...] I’ll focus on my experience of speaking publically about mental health and wellbeing. I’m aware of the irony of writing about how important the spoken word can be; where possible I’ll provide links to video or audio recordings so you can hear me for yourself, if you’d like to!
Read the full post here.

International Men’s Day

Observed on November 19, International Men’s Day celebrates worldwide the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities. It aims to highlight positive role models and raise awareness of men’s well-being, including mental health.

I’m Having a Good Day: Connection and Conversation Inspired by International Men’s Day 2021

How goes it?
I’m having a good day. Was on an excellent call this morning about men’s mental health and support groups. Got my MHFA Network call this afternoon too.
Great!!
That little exchange is from a chat conversation with my friend Brynn last Thursday lunchtime. I’d been pretty low for a few days, which she knew, but when I sent those words I was feeling much better. Being able to say that to my friend was important in itself, because it reminded me there are good days as well as rubbish ones. So what had made the difference? In a word, connection.
Read the full post here.

Men and Mental Health: Resources & Heroes

In this article I’ve drawn together some key statistics on men’s mental health; crisis and support lines; organisations, books, podcasts; and awareness days. I’ve also selected a number of articles written by men which we’ve hosted here at Gum on My Shoe, and a few posts of my own where I’ve touched on my mental health. Finally, I’ve briefly profiled four men who inspire me.
Read the full post here.

Other Days and Events

A selection of articles relating to other awareness days and events.

OPENM;NDED Mental Health Event

On Wednesday April 18 I had the pleasure of attending the OPENM;NDED mental health event at The Hancock pub in Newcastle. The event was organised by OPENM;NDED in support of ReCoCo (Recovery College Collective). OPENM;NDED is a group of cross-disciplinary cultural managers, practitioners and researchers brought together through study at Northumbria University. ReCoCo is a joint venture between various organisations in the north east, “by and for service users and carers. ... a place where service users are able to make connections and develop their knowledge and skills in relation to recovery.
Read the full post here.

#LetsTalkFND An Explanation of Functional Neurological Disorder for FND Awareness Day

FND was known as conversion disorder when I was first diagnosed, which is generally labeled as a mental health condition, and usually occurs in conjunction with other mental illnesses. [...] The reality is that FND is right on the boundary between a mental health condition and a neurological one. The precise definition, cause, and treatment are still debated among professionals.
Read the full post by Alison Hayes here.

Over to You

If you have any thoughts about the articles we’ve included, or suggestions for other awareness days we might include, please let us know, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

Photo by 2H Media at Unsplash.

Wednesday, 15 December 2021

How I Feel about Tomorrow's Appointment with My Doctor

Written Tuesday December 7, 2021.

Two weeks ago I described how I was inspired by an International Men’s Day presentation to book an appointment with my doctor for the first time in decades. My follow-up appointment for blood and urine tests, and an internal examination, is tomorrow. The idea is to — hopefully — rule out any issues with my prostate and get a better handle on what’s going on.

As I prepare to take this next step, I’m acutely aware of the anxiety and uncertainty it’s brought to the fore. I can’t be the only person who feels this way ahead of a medical appointment, so I thought I’d share some of my thoughts and feelings, in the hope they may help others.

It’s Out of My Hands

I was chatting with my friend Aimee Wilson earlier today and she offered an insight which I found really helpful.

I’ll be glad when I’ve got this appointment out of the way tomorrow.
Oh yes! Are you getting anxious or….?
I’m a bit on edge about it, yeah. Just because I’ve not had an in-person GP appointment in so long. Also that sense of well, if there is anything wrong, tomorrow is when the process of finding out and dealing with it starts, if you know what I mean.
Of course I get it. Maybies just remember that if there is anything wrong, you’re doing everything you can about it. Like, it’s kinda out of your hands. That might be intimidating or scary but I hope it’s comforting!
It’s kinda both, but comforting too! Thank you, it helps.

That idea of things being out of my hands, and in the hand of professionals instead, is something I’ve not experienced since I was in hospital years ago. I was in a lot of pain back then, which isn’t the case now at all, but Aimee has reminded me it can feel good to let go of worrying about things and allow others to take on the responsibility for a while.

It’s Not a Competition

I feel nervous, but I’m aware that the anxiety and apprehension I’m experiencing are minor compared to what many people go through when they engage with mental or physical health services.

I don’t say that to dismiss or minimise what I’m feeling. I’m a firm believer that whatever someone is going through is valid and important, no matter how it might compare with someone else’s experience. Depending how things go tomorrow, maybe I will have more to be concerned about next time I’m waiting to see the doctor,

It’s very easy to allow your thoughts, fears, questions, and uncertainties dominate your thinking. I can’t simply stop feeling anxious or stressed, but I can do my best not to dwell on how things might work out after tomorrow. I give myself permission to feel what I’m feeling right now, for what it is.

My friends’ courage in seeking professional advice, support, and treatment, especially when it may be difficult, painful, or triggering, helps to ground me. If my friends can do that, I can do this.

Educate Yourself but Don’t Self-Diagnose

I was finally nudged into making an appointment by an online session about men’s health I attended through work. Listening to some of the symptoms and issues men — especially men around my age — are prone to made me realise I could no longer ignore some things I’ve been putting up with for a while now.

Before my first — phone — appointment, I researched my symptoms online, some of the underlying issues that could be causing them, and how those conditions are diagnosed. Having that information to hand helped when I spoke to the doctor, as I understood the questions she asked, and the next steps she recommended. Those next steps are what is happening tomorrow.

On the other hand, it’s important not to rely on the Internet for information, and not to use it to self-diagnose. My degree was in pharmacy so I have some medical knowledge, but I’m happy to leave any relevant diagnoses to the professionals. It’s kind of what Aimee was saying when she said about putting myself in their hands.

I’ve not looked into the more serious possibilities. If I end up going down that road, I’ll want all the information I can get, but at this stage it would serve no useful purpose and is only likely to worry me further.

Take Notes When You Can

It’s a good idea to jot down any questions and concerns before going for any medical appointment. It means you’re less likely to get outside and realise you forgot to ask that one question you really wanted to ask, or mention something that feels important to you.

One thing I want to ask tomorrow is when I might expect the results of the tests they’re doing, as well as what the next steps might be.

It’s also worth taking time immediately after an appointment to record what was said, and how you feel about it. Do you have a follow up appointment booked? Are you now waiting on some test results? Do you have decisions to make about treatment options? Capture them as soon as you can, while things are fresh in your mind, and refer back to them in the days and weeks ahead.

Don’t Ignore What You’re Thinking and Feeling

Whether you feel you’re handling things well or poorly, pay attention to how it’s all affecting you. Stress and undertainty aren’t pleasant but they can be useful if you don’t try and push it all aside.

There’s no right way to handle these things, so do what works for you. Writing is a big part of my self-care toolbox, whether it’s in the form of blogging for a wider audience or journaling privately. Just sitting here now and writing this blog post is helping to distract me and calm my nerves about tomorrow.

I also find it helps to share what I’m going through with other people, although that does depend on what’s going on for me and who might be available to talk it over with.

Whatever coping strategies work for you, do that.

Ask For and Accept Help and Support

Everyone I’ve told has been incredibly supportive. Thus far, I’ve not had anything particularly difficult to handle, but having mentioned my concerns early on, such as they are, reassures me there are people I can turn to in the — hopefully unlikely — event there’s something serious going on for me. I can’t know what support might be necessary or appropriate but I know they are there for me.

Keep Going

One of my favourite mottos is “Baby steps are steps too.” Often, we get overwhelmed by everything that is going on in our lives, or in the wider world. It can feel like there’s nothing we can do to change things or make a difference. I’m not in that place right now but I can imagine being there if things were to develop in less than favourable ways.

One thing my close friends have in common is that no matter what’s going on for them, whether it’s health-related or not, they rarely stay stuck for long. They may feel overwhelmed by doubt and uncertainty but they remain open to new ideas and possibilities. It’s never long before they are taking that next step forward.

In the words of Chinese philosopher and writer Lao Tzu, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Over to You

In this post, I’ve shared some of my thoughts and feelings as I await my medical check-up tomorrow. Have you ever been on the brink of medical tests or assessments that might potentially prove serious, even life-changing? How did you feel about it? What steps did you take to deal with how you were feeling? What helped? What didn’t? I’d love to hear from you, either in the comments to this post, or via our contact page.

Wednesday, 1 December 2021

How International Men's Day Inspired My First Doctor's Appointment in 30 Years

In my last post, I described two calls I attended ahead of this year’s International Men’s Day. They gave me plenty to think about, but another session may end up having a more fundamental and long-lasting impact. On International Men’s Day itself, I dialled in to a presentation on men’s health by Steven Pearson-Brown from ToHealth Ltd. It wasn’t the first such call I’ve attended, but for some reason, this one really struck home; perhaps because it was part of the wider focus on men’s health and wellbeing.

I listened attentively as Steven discussed a range of topics including weight, exercise, and healthy eating. I’ve been paying more attention to these of late, having put on most of the weight I’d managed to lose. It’s tough to find yourself almost back where you began seven or eight years ago, doubting you can go through that journey again. Steven’s presentation helped reinforce the message that I’m right not to give up. It was another section of his talk, though, that really caught my attention.

My Health History

Before I come to that, let me share a little of my health history. The following is excerpted from a section in our book High Tide, Low Tide which discusses my experience of illness. You can read the full section on our blog.

In my early twenties, I developed dermatitis on my hands and arms. It was painful and inconvenient, but I accepted it as something over which I had little control. It eventually cleared and has not returned.
A few years later [in 1987], I was hospitalized following an episode of acute abdominal pain and bleeding. The condition responded to anti-inflammatory medication, which I took preventatively for two years afterwards. I recall attending an outpatient appointment to learn the results of some diagnostic tests. I was prepared to discover I had experienced either a nasty but limited inflammation, or the first visitation of some serious, perhaps life-threatening, condition.
The results were inconclusive, and the doctors decided further tests would not be performed unless the condition reoccurred. I remember feeling cheated. Even a serious diagnosis seemed preferable to doubt and uncertainty. Fortunately, the condition never troubled me significantly again.

That was more than thirty years ago and for most of that time, my health has been fine. I’ve had a few bouts of abdominal discomfort but nothing that led to me phoning my doctor. I didn’t ignore my health altogether, though. I had a routine bowel cancer screening examination in 2016, a skin cancer screening at work, and a general wellness check about three years ago. It was at this point I discovered I no longer had a GP. At some point, the NHS surgery I’d been with had gone private. I don’t recall being informed of the fact, but in any case, I failed to register with another practice.

Scroll forward to 2020. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic and I figured maybe it was about time I found myself a doctor. It took a couple of attempts, but I eventually registered with a practice within walking distance of home. It made things much easier when it came to getting my flu jab last winter (a first for me), and my covid vaccinations this year.

Making the Decision

I mentioned that I’ve put back most of the weight I lost over the past few years, but my heart rate and blood pressure are healthy enough. I enjoy a beer or two at home or out with friends but I’ve not been drunk or hungover since I lived in London in the mid-1980s.

As I get older, however, I find myself paying more attention to what my body’s doing, or not doing as well as it used to. Something I’ve become increasingly aware of over the past year or so is that I need to urinate more than I used to, both at night and during the day. I didn’t pay too much attention last year when I was working from home and unable to meet up with anyone socially, but it’s become more of an issue since lockdown ended, especially if I’ve wanted to go out for a drink. It’s inconvenient, and a little embarrassing, to keep having to go to the toilet, although the few friends I go out with are understanding. I could continue to live with the inconvenience, but it can indicate underlying issues in men of a certain age. Pretty much my age, in fact.

I’d known all this for a while and not done anything about it, but as I listened to Steven talking about prostate cancer and how important it is to get checked out as early as possible, I made a promise to myself to do just that. Three days later, I booked my first appointment with a GP in over thirty years. Fingers crossed, there’s nothing seriously wrong, but I wasn’t going to ignore or put it off any longer. There were a couple of other things I wanted to discuss with the doctor, but this was the main one and the reason for making the appointment.

How the Appointment Went

Initial appointments are conducted by phone. I was on edge waiting for the call to come through, but everything went well. The doctor was lovely and very thorough. She asked lots of questions but explained things as we went along so I understood why she needed to know and the potential significance of my answers. I got to say what I wanted, and felt involved and listened to. I was glad I’d made notes in advance. They helped me stay on track and cover everything I wanted to mention or ask. This is something I’ve learned over the years from helping Fran prepare for appointments with her psychiatrist.

The doctor agreed my symptoms might indicate issues with my prostate — not necessarily cancer — but said there are other possibilities to consider, including type 2 diabetes. We agreed the next stage is for me to have a physical examination and blood and urine tests. I have an appointment booked to attend the surgery in a couple of weeks. I was surprised, and pleased, to get a follow-up appointment so promptly. I dare say I’ll be anxious nearer the time, but for now, I’m happy to have started the process. It wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it might be.

Support and Encouragement

The friends I’ve told have been incredibly supportive and encouraging. One put it this way: “As someone living with a chronic condition, it’s hard to imagine being so healthy that you don’t need a doctor for thirty years, but I’m proud of you for exploring it now.” They understand that taking this step is a big thing for me precisely because I’ve been healthy enough over the years to ignore any niggling doubts or symptoms. Until now.

I wasn’t sure about sharing all this in a blog post when I don’t even know if there’s anything wrong. Hopefully, there isn’t. Many of my friends live with serious physical and mental health conditions but like most people, they consult their doctors when they need to without feeling the need to tell everyone about it. The one exception — and my inspiration for writing this post — is my friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson. Aimee blogs about her lived experience with an honesty that has opened my eyes to a lot of things and helps many people who find themselves in similar situations to hers.

Maybe there are people out there — men in particular — who’ll read this and think, if Martin can call his doctor and make an appointment, I can do it. If just one person does that, I’m content.

Wednesday, 24 November 2021

I'm Having a Good Day: Connection and Conversation Inspired by International Men's Day 2021

How goes it?
I’m having a good day. Was on an excellent call this morning about men’s mental health and support groups. Got my MHFA Network call this afternoon too.
Great!!

That little exchange is from a chat conversation with my friend Brynn last Thursday lunchtime. I’d been pretty low for a few days, which she knew, but when I sent those words I was feeling much better. Being able to say that to my friend was important in itself, because it reminded me there are good days as well as rubbish ones. So what had made the difference? In a word, connection.

The morning session I mentioned was organised through the Men’s Network at work, ahead of International Men’s Day (November 19). The call was led by Gary MacDonald, who founded the Mind the Men peer support group in Glasgow, Scotland, in memory of his cousin Grant Macdonald who was lost to suicide in 2018. The group provides men “a safe place to talk about their challenges be listened to and feel supported.”

The presentation began with some statistics about men’s mental health, including the fact that 75% of people who die by suicide are men, and that suicide is the largest cause of death in men under fifty years old. I’m not a huge fan of stats; I find them hard to hold in my head or relate to directly, but I agreed with a colleague who messaged me privately while Gary was speaking: these numbers are shocking, scary, and unacceptably high.

Gary talked about founding Mind the Men, and how the weekly group sessions provide an opportunity for men to come together and share as much or as little as they feel comfortable doing. The six questions he and his fellow facilitators use to structure the support sessions reminded me of Andy’s Man Club, which operates similar groups across the UK. He spoke movingly of the positive changes he’s seen in some of the men attending the groups, but it’s not only the men who benefit. Their families, friends, and co-workers do too. Gary made a point of acknowledging the support and encouragement of the women — girlfriends, wives, partners, mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmother’s — in the lives of the men who attend.

I came away from the call moved and feeling that maybe — maybe — I might check out Andy’s Man Club or a similar men’s support group if I can find any local to me. As a man who has never felt fully at ease in male company, and rarely felt part of the wider “man clan,” that feels significant. It was at this point in my day that I took my lunchtime walk, and messaged Brynn. We had a video call, and I shared more about Gary’s talk and how positively it had impacted me.

After returning home, I prepared for the fortnightly call I facilitate with fellow Mental Health First Aiders at work. Due to holidays and various work commitments, it was six weeks since we’d last got together. I had very little news to relate, and wondered how we’d fill the hour if the others didn’t have much to share. Five regular attendees had sent apologies, which didn’t reassure me at all! As it turned out, I needn’t have worried. It was one of the best calls we’ve ever had.

I dialled in a few minutes early and found one of my fellow male Mental Health First Aiders eager and ready to go. We exchanged pleasantries and waited for others to join. Five minutes past the official start time there were three of us on the call — all men — so I made a start. We were joined shortly afterwards by another male colleague. I smiled to myself: it’s rare for me to find myself talking to a group of only men. It felt appropriate, though, as I mentioned International Men’s Day and described a few of the wellbeing and mental health calls I’ve attended in recent weeks, I was talking about Gary’s presentation on men’s peer support when a fifth — female — colleague joined us. I mentioned a statistic from Gary’s talk which (if I recalled it correctly) suggested less than a quarter (23%) of men have close networks of friends. This led to a brilliant discussion about how easy or otherwise people – men especially – find it to open up to others (family, friends, colleagues etc) about what’s troubling them. The rest of this post is based on notes I took during the call, with names changed.

We started off talking about who we feel most comfortable sharing with, whether that’s friends, partners, other family members, or professionals such as doctors, therapists, or counsellors. Some said they tend only to share when things get especially bad. I could relate to this, because it’s only in the past ten years or so that I’ve started talking about what’s going on for me (and even more recently that I’ve started blogging about it). Prior to that I tended to keep things to myself. Instead of talking to others, I’d process whatever was going on for me in the pages of my diary. I still journal on a daily basis, but nowadays that’s in addition to talking to people I trust and feel safe with.

Jane said she finds it easier to listen to and help others, than talk about her own situation, which I could also relate to. We talked about how helping other people is valuable and important, but that it can lead to an unhealthy codependency where we need to have people around us — family, friends, co-workers — who need our support in order to feel good about ourselves. This is something I’ve struggled with at times, as I’ve written previously. We agreed everyone is different and no one should feel they have to share with others if they don’t want to, as long as they have other coping strategies that work for them. The important thing is to have people we can call on if and when we want or need to. Our support networks can be of different kinds, as I discussed in a recent blog post.

Malcolm mentioned some of the cultural influences he’s experienced, regarding how acceptable it is — or rather isn’t — for men to admit we need help, for fear of being perceived weak or inadequate. John mentioned the tv drama The Sopranos, which I have to admit I’ve never seen. I hadn’t realised there was a strong mental health thread running through the series until John shared how the character of Tony Soprano battles anxiety and depression, and goes for therapy, but is unable to be honest about his struggles because of the macho male culture he inhabits.

It was really good to have Jane on the call, especially in the context of this year’s International Men’s Day theme of “Better relations between men and women.” I think she found it interesting too, as it gave her the opportunity to ask how things are for us as men. It felt odd to be asked to give my thoughts on behalf of men as a whole, but I think the others felt similarly about it.

Jane asked if there’d been a particular turning point that lead to us overcoming the “man up,” “big boys don’t cry,” “grow a pair” narrative which sadly is still prevalent in society. For Colin, it was something that “just happened” during a chat conversation with a family member. We talked about how important it was that his family member had picked up on what he said, rather than dismissing it or moving the conversation on. That’s something I’ve learned with Fran and other friends. It’s important to pay attention to what someone is saying, and not ignore something that might be a sign they’re struggling or simply want to share what’s going on for them.

I don’t always get it right and there have been times when I’ve failed to pick up on the clues, but I believe I’m learning. I’m still not very confident letting people know I’m low or struggling, and I know how it feels if the person I’ve chosen fails to pick up on my tentative attempts to share. The onus is on me to be clearer about asking for help, but that’s not always easy, especially if I can’t identity — or express — what’s happening. Sometimes I just want to let someone know I’m feeling low, stressed, anxious, or whatever.

In answer to Jane’s question I said there hadn’t been a single turning point for me, but I’d learned the benefits of opening up from being a supportive friend to Fran and other friends over the past ten years or so. I saw how it helped them to have a safe space in which to talk, vent, or otherwise share what’s happening, and realised could it help me too. Talking gives me a different, outside, perspective, and the opportunity for people to suggest approaches I might never have thought of myself.

Jane also asked if we found it easier to share with people face-to-face, as opposed to in other ways. Colin said he follows a number of sports-related accounts on Twitter, and he’s seen plenty of examples where someone has tweeted that they’re not doing too well, and there’s been a really positive supportive response. That’s something I see a lot on Twitter and other social media, although I mostly follow mental health and creative journaling accounts and hashtags.

I said I have some friends where we can share openly and honestly on chat or social media, and others which rely on voice and video calls, or face-to-face meetings now those are possible again. In my experience, it depends more on the personal preferences of the people concerned, rather than whether they’re male or female. Having said that, the vast majority of people I talk to, online and offline, are women, so my experience may not be universal.

Overall, we agreed that while there may be gender differences in how readily men and women share with others, and with whom, cultural factors and personal preference can be just as important. Our conversation was a perfect example of how important, challenging, and rewarding it can be to talk about how we’re feeling, and explore the difference and the similarities between us. We were having such a great time that that when the hour was up we agreed to reconvene next week to continue our discussion!

I’m grateful not only to my fellow Mental Health First Aiders who took part on our MHFA Network call, but also to Gary MacDonald and everyone involved in organising the programme of events and discussions this week for International Men’s Day. I’ll close by sharing four articles I’ve written in the past about men’s mental health in general and my own in particular.

Men and Mental Health: Resources & Heroes

Dear Marty: An Open Letter to Myself

THIS BOY GETS SAD TOO

Return to Down: How My Baseline Mood Has Slipped from Positive to Low

Photo by Kaleidico on Unsplash.

Pages

Tuesday, 19 November 2024

Independent Thought

Effective Communication

Assertiveness and Self-Confidence

Open Enquiry and Respectful Disagreement

Leadership and Endurance

Devotion and Sacrifice

Conclusion and Controversy

Wednesday, 15 November 2023

What Is Toxic Masculinity?

What’s the Problem?

What Can We Do About It?

Further Reading

Over to You

Wednesday, 16 November 2022

Over to You

Wednesday, 31 August 2022

Time to Talk Day

World Bipolar Day

Mental Health Awareness Week

Mental Health Awareness Month

World Suicide Prevention Day

World Mental Health Day

International Men’s Day

Other Days and Events

Over to You

Wednesday, 15 December 2021

It’s Out of My Hands

It’s Not a Competition

Educate Yourself but Don’t Self-Diagnose

Take Notes When You Can

Don’t Ignore What You’re Thinking and Feeling

Ask For and Accept Help and Support

Keep Going

Over to You

Further Reading

Wednesday, 1 December 2021

My Health History

Making the Decision

How the Appointment Went

Support and Encouragement

Further Reading

Wednesday, 24 November 2021