Friday 27 November 2015


A night of awakenings not in a good way left me grumpy and ragged. Meditation didn’t want to happen. Instead I wrote a friend who is struggling. My words struggled too. Still unsatisfied I sent it off. I stormed groggily out of bed for not a little coffee.

I found an old picture of myself who I barely recognized. She looked back at me with a sparkle. I was surprised she showed cleavage. That’s not like me at all yet I felt less shame somehow. In fact I decided to make her my profile picture as if in doing so I would reconcile a piece of me long forgotten.

I slowly dragged myself into the kitchen, another batch of cookies to make. My feet were like mud, my mind too. I slowed everything down so as not to hurt myself. I thought it was funny I was making my favorite to give to others. That felt really good.

I left the kitchen to trim my Frankenstein toenails and draw my bath. The water was close to scalding yet I inched my way in. I felt enveloped in a hot and tight spandex suit, Spider-Man style. Bubbles made me happy like my beta Jewells in his tank.

Call me clothing incompetent. I have few skills with shopping, choosing, wearing clothes. I second guess everything. It’s another of my relationship problems. Thankfully a friend assisted with my wardrobe the night before, but I still have to grapple with looking and feeling presentable today. That’s only the clothes part. There is still the relating part, the crossing of fingers insuring no faux pas, and social terror hopefully well hidden.

Each step through yet another holiday is difficult, from scars past, yet I fiercely give and open my heart wider. That’s really all I know. We give thanks. We grow. We love.



Monday 2 November 2015

One moment please..

Have you ever spent time thinking about all the things that support you? Or do you imagine yourself completely independent? I lay on my couch and began to wonder. I have a couch to lie on, rather than concrete. A window lets in light and beauty. Bookshelves hold books and lovely things. Walls are ever ready to be punctured for art and photographs. Plants offer me their oxygen freely. My fish gives joy.

Chairs invite sitting. Tables, dishes, glasses, silverware, napkins all cooperate to serve a meal. The fridge and freezer and cupboards endlessly receive and give food for nourishment. And let’s not forget the pots and pans, the stove, sink, and dishwasher. Spices jockey for position, eager to delight our tongue. Smells tickle our nose. They all patiently await our attention. Do we listen? Candles wait to be lit. Lamps wait to be switched off. My bed beckons me into her womb.

Heat and cooling envelop me with no more effort on my part than the light press of a button. And the toilet flushes down my waste without a thought. Clothes hang in my closet, waiting to be worn. Shoes are ready to go walking. My shower gets the stink off and when I allow it, provides a spa experience. Towels gather me in their arms and as they gather the droplets, poof I am dry.

Everything in your world serves you and teaches you to serve. Gratitude seems such a small word, when there is so very much to be thankful for.

So the next time you struggle being thankful, take a moment to look around..