Gum on My Shoe

By Janet Coburn December is National Family Caregivers Month, so it seemed like a good time to talk about caregiving. In my view, there are three kinds of caregiving: giving care, receiving care and self-care. Caregiving Caregiving is not an easy task, no matter whether you’re a family member or a professional. With an uncommunicative person such as one with depression, it practically takes telepathy. At times it seems impossible to know what kind of care is needed. A hug? Encouragement? Alone time? Help with chores? A listening ear? My husband, who is my principal caregiver, does all those things for me. One thing about caregiving that I learned from my parents is that caregivers need recognition, too. My mother took care of my father all through the years of the illness that killed him. He wasn’t mentally ill, but his physical needs were many. Once my mother came to me and asked if she was doing a good job of caring for him. Of course, I reassured her. The thing is, objective...

It’s easier to be there for someone if you understand what they’re going through. But how can you understand if you’ve never been there yourself ? That’s the situation I found myself in when I met my best friend Fran for the first time in 2011. Fran lives with three chronic health conditions I’d never experienced and knew nothing about: bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), and fibromyalgia. Being her friend didn’t mean I had to become an expert in any of these but I wanted to learn as much as I could, so I could be there for her as effectively as possible. I’m sharing my education journey in the hope it might help someone in a similar position. I’ll focus on bipolar disorder but the principles apply no matter what mental or physical health condition your friend or loved one lives with. It’s also relevant to other lived experience including abuse, bereavement, discrimination, self-harm, stigma, suicidality, or trauma. Whatever your friend’s situation, appr...

I was listening to some of my favourite tracks on YouTube and Spotify a few weeks ago and realised many capture aspects of what caring means to me. Here’s a selection in no particular order, each with a note explaining why it resonates for me. Maybe they’ll resonate for you, too. Links are to my favourite versions of the songs on YouTube. I’d like to acknowledge my friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson of I’m NOT Disordered who encouraged me to explore what the songs mean to me, rather than simply sharing the lyrics as I’d originally intended. It added hugely to the effort involved in putting this post together — but she was right! I learned a good deal about these songs, their artists and backstories, and the article is far stronger as a result. Thank you, Aimee! 1. You Will Find Me You leave me room for my imperfections I’m a mess and you jump right in If I drift in the wrong direction You turn the tide and you calm the wind Anytime, every time I get los...

No one wants to be a burden to those we care about and who care about us. As we recount in our book High Tide Low Tide , Fran once told me she didn’t understand how I could stay with her when she was so unwell: Fran is neither a drain on me nor a burden — although she doubts this on occasion. She said to me one day, “I don’t get it. Why are you still here?” I told her no matter what is going on, whether she is having a good day or a bad day, whether I am having a good day or a bad day, I never don’t want to be here. My answer stands to this day; not only with regard to Fran but other friends too. If I care about you, you are not a burden and I never don’t want to be here for you. That said, it is possible to overwhelm people if we share unthinkingly and without due regard to boundaries. This is what Brené Brown calls floodlighting (not to be confused with gaslighting , which is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation). It doesn’t happen often but I occasionally become overwhe...

By Janet Coburn My husband used to work in a community correctional facility – essentially a jail. The residents were considered nonviolent offenders technically on parole for mostly drug crimes, but things could still get interesting. Mostly he didn’t talk about his work because he would try to dismiss it from his mind every day as he went by a certain overpass on his way home from work. One day, though, I was bitching in disbelief about something that had happened at my work – another editor had put his table of contents in random order instead of numerical. I was appalled by the stupidity of that. There I was ranting about it. Then my husband said, “Boy, that’s tough. All I did today was break up a fight and spot a guy who might have a septic wound. But you – the table of contents out of numerical order? Wow!” That put me in my place. My husband was someone who helped other people. For years after he left the job, people would come up to him when he was out and about, and remi...

By Janet Coburn Originally published in May 2017 at Bipolar Me. While there are professional caregivers, family members often provide care and support for those with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. My husband of 35 years is my caregiver. He does a spectacular job – making sure I have my meds, taking me to my appointments, running the errands that I have no spoons to do, keeping the house quiet when I need to sleep, making sure I eat at least one nutritious meal a day. It’s a lot. And there are things I can give him in return. Things he needs. Appreciation . When my father was dying of cancer, my mother was his primary caregiver. One day she came to me, wanting me to tell her that she was doing a good job. She knew that she was. She just needed to hear it from someone else, someone who could tell her that her excellent care had been noticed and appreciated. Appreciation – validation – is the thing that caregivers need most, to replenish themselves, to allow them to...

By Sarah Blackshaw In this hectic world, maintaining friendships can be a tricky thing to do. When you have a chronic physical health condition such as fibromyalgia, it can be even harder. I spend a lot of time working with people who struggle with pain and fatigue, and I’ve written this blog post to explain the things that I think are important when accessing social support with a condition like fibromyalgia. Communication Is Key The thing I hear most often when talking to people who are struggling with pain and fatigue is that “other people don’t understand.” That’s likely to be due to a combination of factors. As a society, we don’t do a very good job of explaining conditions like fibromyalgia, as we tend to buy into a model of “have something wrong – go to doctor – get fixed – live happily ever after.” That model rarely works any more these days, and instead we have lots of people struggling with chronic physical and mental health conditions that cause distress. On top of...

World Mental Health Day celebrates awareness for the global community in an empathetic way, with a unifying voice, helping those feel hopeful by empowering them to take action and to create lasting change. — World Federation for Mental Health I was delighted to attend this year’s North Tyneside World Mental Health Day event at Cullercoats Crescent Club in North Shields. My friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson was there too, representing LEAPS (Listening Ear & Positive Support) which offers practical and emotional support for those who are unwaged. I’d met a couple of the folk from LEAPS previously and was glad to see them again and meet a few more. You can read Aimee’s post about the event including her top tips on public speaking here . The first hour or so was devoted to networking, waiting for coffee cups to arrive, and buying tombola and raffle tickets. I wasn’t successful in the raffle but won with all but one of my tombola tickets. That’s four Christm...

Your journey as friends reminds us that mental illness doesn’t change what friendship is all about: being there for those we love. — Bridget Woodhead Official statistics vary but received wisdom is that one in four adults lives with a mental health condition. Within my social circle the ratio is much higher. Of the ten people I love and care about most, eight live with a diagnosed mental health condition or have experienced mental health difficulties in recent years. Among my closest friends it’s five out of five, including my best friend Fran. Here are three things I wish people knew about loving someone who lives with mental illness. It’s Different for Everyone My loved ones live with a variety of mental health conditions and symptoms including anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD), depression, visual and auditory hallucinations, suicidal thinking, and self-harm. Some live with more than one of these. Several also have physical health cond...

By Beth Gadwa Foreword by Julie A. Fast I recently posted a note on Facebook that included a link to one of my Bp Magazine videos called Bipolar Disorder Paranoia and Keeping Your Relationships Strong . I made the point that I had to take responsibility over my own paranoia and not take it out on others. I have ruined many relationships in the past due to my untreated paranoid thinking and actions. Right under this post, bipolar disorder advocate and writer Beth Gadwa left a comment that truly opened my mind to the other side of the situation. She wrote: Julie, please be aware that people with bipolar are also sometimes victimized and exploited in relationships. A good strategy is to “check in” with a neutral third party, such as a close friend or family member to try to determine if you are symptomatic. Being bipolar does not mean being a doormat, or turning a blind eye to infidelity or abuse. But it does absolutely mean we have to check ourselves, and pause and reflect before...

By Amy Leigh McCorkle Dear Daniel Craig. This journey to wellness started long before that. But this leg of the journey started with a blog I used to tell my story and share an everyday look at what life with bipolar disorder looks like. So, Dear Daniel Craig was a confessional for me. I let it all hang out. The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. I should note here I have not met Daniel Craig. And that, as far as I know, he has no idea I even exist. Still, the simple act of using my favorite actor as silent audience seemed to be final piece in a multi-pronged treatment plan. There was medication, group and individual therapy (still is), and the support of amazing caregivers. This blog, Letters to Daniel, soon took on a life of its own, and it made me actively advocate. People responded in a big way. They reached out to me saying I was telling their story. Or that I was telling their loved one’s story. It didn’t stop there. I gathered the letters up and turned it into a...

By Sarah Fader Everyone has their own darkness Mine is outside of my skin at times Creeping slowly around the confines of my mouth not allowing me to speak only telling me to feel what I don’t want to feel. You see my dark and also the light even when it’s hard to find even when it’s invisible to everyone around me. That is your power That is your gift You sit quietly Listening as she talks she cries she needs you and you’re not afraid in fact you embrace the raw feelings. I’m relieved to know that there are people like you in the world Thank you for loving without question and embracing us without fear. Don’t change who you are Ever And Keep listening It matters. &nbsp Sarah Fader is the CEO and Founder of Stigma Fighters , a non-profit organization that encourages individuals with mental illness to share their personal stories. Like six million other Americans, Sarah lives with panic disorder. Through Stigma Fighters, she hopes to change the ...