Gum on My Shoe

And there were times I’d take my pen And feel obliged to start again. — Orange Juice. “Rip it Up.” I think I just decided to scrap the blog post I’ve been writing as a guest piece for Sophie’s blog. I’ve been working on it almost every day for two weeks. It’s not writer’s block. I’ve written more than enough words. Most of the individual paragraphs are ok in themselves but the piece as a whole simply doesn’t work. Sigh. I remember writing those words. It was July 15 this year and I was sitting at the slightly wobbly table on the balcony of the cottage I’d rented at Windermere Marina Village in the Lake District. I’d settled in with a coffee and my little writing setup — my Android tablet on its stand and the larger of my two Bluetooth keyboards — hoping to find some creative clarity. I’d had such high hopes for that blog post. A title I was happy with. A great photo sourced from Unsplash. A solid lead into the piece, inspired by something my friend and fellow blogger Soph...

“Did I mention I’m annoyed?” I was on my regular evening call with Fran. It was a Friday. “Yes, Fran. I noticed.” After thirteen years of friendship, I don’t miss much. She was, indeed, annoyed. By this friend and that. By this thing someone had done or said, that thing someone had not done or not said. By people in general. By life. There was quite a list. Like any of us, Fran gets frustrated from time to time, but it was rare for her to be quite so annoyed at quite so many things all at once. I invited her to take advantage of how she was feeling by throwing anything and everything that was annoying her into the pot. This and that. Him and her. Everything and everyone. Noting that my name was conspicuously absent from the list, I told her I was feeling left out. “Aren’t you annoyed at me?” It turned out she was, so we got that out into the open too. I didn’t try to fix things or dismiss how she was feeling. I didn’t offer my point of view, rationalise why maybe that person ha...

Being there for someone who lives with illness of any kind isn’t always easy, and it can be especially hard, for you and for them, when symptoms return after a period of relative wellness or stability. (I’ve written previously here and elsewhere about managing the contrary situation, where a friend or loved one is doing well.) This is something several of my friends experience. Despite differences in their diagnoses, certain common themes keep coming up. It helps me to remember that no matter how hard or scary things might be for me when a friend’s symptoms return, it’s far worse for the person living with it day to day. Return or Relapse? Some people might call this a relapse. I prefer to talk about someone finding themselves in a similar situation as before, or their symptoms appearing to have returned. Neither Fran nor I are qualified to diagnose a new episode of mania or depression, for example. That’s her clinician’s role. What I can do is pay attention to how Fran pre...

When I set out for my evening walk last Friday I was feeling good. I’d finished my first week working from home after a fortnight’s lockdown vacation and was looking forward to the weekend. The weather forecast held the possibility of rain but I was well prepared. My Doc Martens boots, a micropile fleece and gilet for warmth, and a light raincoat that is past its best but more than adequate for the occasional shower. In a small bag beneath my coat I carried my journal, my favourite fountain pen, and a birthday card I needed to post. I also had my phone and Bluetooth headset. As I headed out I messaged one of my best friends to see if she fancied joining me on a video call. She replied to say she was about to have her dinner. I was disappointed; a little dejected. I loved having company on my walks and a call would have set me up for the weekend after a busy week. I smiled to myself, recognising the frustration and feelings of abandonment that tend to arise when things don’t go t...

When Fran and I were developing the ideas for our book I kept a series of “Scrapbook” documents. In them I recorded anything that occurred in our lives which seemed relevant and might prove useful or helpful. Excerpts from our conversations, social media chat, and emails; snippets from my personal journal; ideas and questions; links to websites, books, and other reference material. This post is taken from notes made in December 2012, with a few minor edits for clarity. Frustration and Codependency: Getting It Wrong Is Okay Thursday December 13, 2012 Last night at 11 p.m. I was waiting for Fran to get home and come online. She messaged me to say she was home and was going to send [her friend] a happy birthday message. I was happy to hear that and thought she wouldn’t be long ... then she messaged that she was going to check my Facebook Wall. I started to get impatient. I felt Fran could have come on cam with me while she did that. But I put on some gentle music and did some medi...