Gum on My Shoe

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with Fran. We were talking about some of the things she’s done lately. These include joining Finding Female Friends >50 , a nonprofit organisation dedicated to fostering friendship connections for women. (“Welcome! Your new BFF’s [sic] are waiting to greet you.”) Fran’s already attended a number of their online sessions. Some she found valuable, others less so. She mentioned two in particular, one of which she’d loved and one that hadn’t resonated for her. “That’s cool, though,” I said. “You gave yourself the opportunity to hate them!” I love that she’s open to trying things out to see what works for her and what doesn’t. It can be uncomfortable discovering you don’t quite fit in with a particular situation or group. Fran nevertheless recognises it’s not a failure if she decides not to continue with something. I’m not good at this myself. I tend to only try things I’m likely to enjoy or find valuable. That more or less rules out ...

So many people from your past know a version of you that doesn’t exist anymore. — Unknown You know how people say they can meet up with someone they’ve not seen in years and it’s as though no time has passed at all? I’ve never been good at that. It’s lauded as the sign of a healthy friendship, but it doesn’t work that way for me. I’m too aware of how much my life, my interests, my understanding, and my very self change over time. There’s a social media meme that expresses this perfectly. You’ve changed. I hope so! If we’ve not been in touch through those changes — mine and yours — then we no longer know each other. The person you think of when you think of me no longer exists. We might reconnect, but unless it’s to re-establish an ongoing, more-or-less frequent connection, there’s little point. I’m not interested in sporadic news updates of what’s happened to you since we last met. I want to know who you are , not who you were. I want to share with you who I am , not who...

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. – Jane Howard It’s no secret that I take friendship seriously. Just about everything I write, including this blog and the book I co-authored with my best friend Fran, concerns the nature of supportive friendships. In High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder we describe the part I play in Fran’s wider support network, and how it’s important for me to have a network of my own. Until now, though, I’ve scarcely written about supportive networks themselves. At different times, Fran’s network has included close friends, her psychiatrist and doctor, therapists, a care coordinator, and an Independent Support Services worker (homemaker). Mine consists exclusively of trusted friends. Yours might be a combination of family, friends, colleagues, or professionals. I’m focusing on friends in this article, but it’s the connections between the ...

I’ve written in the past about some of the roles I play in the mutually supportive friendship I share with Fran. It’s a topic we describe in detail in our book . I’ve written less about how friendships sometimes move through distinct phases. In this post, I want to discuss one such phase, which I call supportive disengagement. What do I mean by that? Essentially, it means stepping back from the usual give-and-take dynamic you share with your friend, but being there if and when you’re invited in. It means providing encouragement and support when asked but otherwise getting out of your friend’s way so they can navigate whatever’s happening in their lives the best way they can. I’ve written this from the perspective of the supportive friend, but it’s equally relevant if you’re the person needing space. Like any other phase of a friendship, supportive disengagement works best if you’re both aware of what’s happening. What Supportive Disengagement Isn’t It’s natural for friendships...

Find your tribe. Love them hard. When you’re in a close mutually supportive friendship like Fran and I are, it’s tempting to feel your friend should be there for you all the time. It’s unhealthy, though, to pile expectations onto the other person like that. It can stoke resentment on their part and disappointment on yours when, inevitably, they are unable to meet those expectations. Fran and I were talking about this the other day. She told me she’s happy I have other people in my life because meeting all my needs would be too much for her. It started me thinking about those other friendships and how grateful I am for them. I won’t embarrass anyone by naming them but these are my people. My tribe. Team Marty. I couldn’t be who I am, do what I do, without them. There’s no significance in the order I’ve written about them or how many words I’ve used. I’ve separated some roles out, so there are more sections than there are people. No role, and no friend, is more important to me th...

I was searching for a blog topic recently and my son Mike suggested writing about my ideal Christmas. It was a good idea and I love this time of year, but I wasn’t sure how to approach it. My ideal Christmas has always been the last one I spent or the next one to come. In the end I decided to explore what I’ve enjoyed about Christmas in the past and how I’m feeling about this one, which is so different because of covid-19. I hope you enjoy sharing the journey with me. Childhood Memories My childhood memories of Christmas come to me as a series of disconnected snapshots or vignettes. Hunting for the presents my parents had hidden away. Finding them in the suitcases stored underneath their bed. Denshi board electronics set and Spirograph. The wooden gifts my father made for me over the years: the castle my son inherited, the music box, and the fishing tackle box I wrote about decades later. Standing outside Liverpool’s registry office on Christmas Eve in a blizzard at my cousi...

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood. (Seneca) Someone once told me we have no right to expect others to understand us. She was adamant about that. Angry, almost, that anyone could imagine otherwise. The most we can expect, she said, was to be heard. I was reminded of this recently when a close friend said it felt like I didn't know her at all. I got to thinking about what it means to know someone or be known by them. To Know or to Understand? What exactly do we mean by knowing or understanding one another? Is there a difference between knowing someone and understanding them? Ephrat Livni drew a distinction in his article It’s better to understand something than to know it : “Knowing” and “understanding” are related concepts, but they’re not the same. Each is a distinct mental state involving cognitive grasp: Knowing is static, referring to discrete facts, while understanding is active, describing the ability to analyz...

I don’t take vacations away from my friends. I take them with me! If not for coronavirus this would be the final day of my week away at the cottage in Langrigg, Cumbria. I’d be having lunch somewhere, quite possibly the Beehive Inn at Eamont Bridge. Veggie lasagne and chips, and a half-pint of something. Instead, I’m sitting in my garden at home. The cottage booking was cancelled, of course. Hire car too. Instead of a week visiting places up and down the east coast — Holy Island, Bamburgh, Alnwick Garden, Morpeth, Belsay, Blyth — and a week in the Lake District, I’ve spent the fortnight at home in lockdown. No car. No trips out. No visiting friends and family. A weekly walk to the supermarket for groceries. Occasional visits to the local corner shop. My daily walk for exercise. The house. The garden. Before the holiday I’d had three weeks working from home. That wasn’t easy and I’m not looking forward to getting back to it. It was all so new, strange, and scary. The country — in...

There is a huge focus right now on the physical symptoms of Coronavirus (COVID-19) and how the virus will affect our day-to-day lives, but our mental health is important too. The following tips will help you, your friends and family look after yourselves and each other. Stay Informed It’s easy to be overwhelmed by all the coverage and statistics from around the world. It’s ok to take a break from news and social media if you need to but don’t totally lose touch with what’s happening and how it might affect you. Use reputable sources you trust to stay up to date. I have included a few links at the bottom of this article. Stay Connected At times like this it’s important to look out for each other. Check in with friends, family, and neighbours who might appreciate support or practical help. If you or they are self-isolating or unable to visit in person use the telephone or social media. No one is too far away to be cared for, or to care. Stay Honest and Open Involve your children ...

At the start of the year I posted a list of Six Things I'd Quite Like to Do in 2019 . I shared an update in August, but how did I get on overall? Let’s take a look! 1. Take Three Well-being Courses ACHIEVED I feel I've done pretty well with this one. I began two courses which I've yet to complete: Overcoming Self-Sabotage at DailyOM and OpenLearn's Understanding Autism . I updated my Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) training and took Pluralsight's excellent Introduction to Emotional Intelligence , also Future Learn's Understanding Suicide and Suicide Prevention Strategies in a Global Context . Best of all I completed the three day Personal Leadership Programme offered by The Living Leader . This was excellent and gave me plenty to think about. The single best aspect of the course was the Vision Statement we were each invited to write: a snapshot of the ideal life we might have if we believed anything were possible. That is something I will be keeping v...

I’m not trying to make a huge thing out of this but it struck me that sometimes there’s a value in connection, in reaching out to someone, that goes beyond whatever words might be exchanged in the course of the call or conversation or whatever it might be. Audio version here (YouTube) A friend messaged me today to ask if I’d like to have a call with her while she was traveling to meet up with somebody. And I was “Yeah cool, let’s do that!” Unfortunately, although we started off really well, by the time my friend got onto the bus we discovered it was actually quite hard to continue with the conversation. I’m not sure if it’s because she was on the bus and maybe traveling in and out of a decent signal area, or whether there was some other technological reason, but it became difficult to hear each other. So after a little while, before we got too frustrated with it or with each other, we decided to leave it there. We’ll pick up another time. Afterwards, I messaged my friend to s...

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.” ― Rumi I’m on holiday this week at a cottage in the English Lake District I’ve been visiting for decades. Each evening rain or shine I walk to the village. It’s a mile each way, give or take, but I can be out a couple of hours. I amble. I stop to watch the sheep, rabbits, and birds. And I think. Over the years I’ve had many folk with me in my thoughts as I’ve walked the single track road to Great Musgrave. So many that long ago I named it Memory Lane. A very few have joined me on phone or video calls. It’s a joy to share special places with those close in heart if not always in miles. Not all the memories are easy, but they all get to be here. Memory Lane can be a place of healing too. And there’s always room for more. As a friend said to me the other day, it’s good to make new memories. It can help cleanse us, move us forward. Sometimes it’s just nice to layer new memories on old. S...

Last week I was proud to speak at an event organised for International Women’s Day by the Women in Digital network where I work. I’d been invited to take part by my friend and colleague Lisa Overall. We agreed on a topic for my talk — how to support a friend who lives with mental illness — based on an article I wrote originally for No Stigmas, “a global non-profit movement utilizing peer-to-peer connections to promote mental wellness and prevent suicide.” The article was subsequently published at The Mighty . I had given the talk once before, at a Talking FreELY event in 2017, but it is a topic which resonates with many (at The Mighty my article has been “liked” more than 1,200 times) and I was confident it would work for this new audience. The room was filling nicely by the time I arrived. I’d estimate there were close to sixty people there as the event got underway. (It is possible the promise of cake had something to do with the turnout!) After introductions, t...