How Honest Friends Helped Me Find Stability

By Julie A. Fast

Do you have bipolar, schizoaffective disorder or a different mental health disorder that affects your friendships? I have bipolar and a psychotic disorder, now called schizoaffective disorder. As you can imagine, relationships were difficult when I was undiagnosed and didn’t know how to manage my own behavior! I’d like to share how I progressively righted my often out of control relationships and found more stability and happiness in my daily life.

Paranoia and Friendships

I lived with undiagnosed psychotic paranoia for many years and it greatly affected my ability to have stable interactions with friends and coworkers. My diagnosis helped me name what was going on in my brain and I finally knew that I wasn’t thinking and acting oddly out of obstinance. I was ill! Even though I now manage my psychosis with a plan that keeps most symptoms calm, I still had to teach myself to live with the symptoms that I can’t always control. I lost friends along the way, but after almost twenty years of regular practice, I can now live with my psychosis without acting on it. Yup. I still have psychotic paranoia in certain situations involving work and time with friends.

Here are some very typical thoughts I have when interacting with friends. These thoughts are accompanied by a strong feeling that something is wrong and that I’m being ignored or used:

Why is she calling her other friends and not calling me!

Why does he only want to see me on a Monday and not a Friday? Am I not good enough for a Friday night out?

Is she upset with me? Is that why she didn’t answer my text?

To counteract these thoughts so that I won’t act out on them quickly, I first have to determine if my thoughts are attached to a real behavior by the other person — is someone trying to put me off? Or, am I simply paranoid and unreasonable? It’s not easy to live with this constant need to check my own thoughts. It affects my life in every way, but like any illness I have to get my thoughts and subsequent behaviors under control if I want strong friendships. I find that in 99% of situations where I have these thoughts, I am WRONG. It is paranoia and not real. Thank heavens I can see this now!

What a life! But it’s a much better life now that the paranoia isn’t controlling ME.

Euphoric Mania and Friendships

I think I’m so fun and lively and sexy and wonderful when I’m manic. That might be true to strangers who meet me in a bar, but for my friends? No way! I’m an annoying, loud, prideful, grandiose, narcissistic doofus!

Friends can get very upset and embarrassed by my mania. I talk so much! I have way too many boyfriends! I drink. I don’t slow down and then I crash. It’s ridiculous.

I stopped this behavior over ten years ago. I simply said no more mania in my life. I now manage it as diligently as I do my depression and psychosis. I had to choose between the wild times with strangers and healthy stability with friends.

Learning to manage paranoid thoughts and truly committing to ending mania in my life deeply affected my friendships with people who have bipolar disorder and psychotic disorders. I have lost a few friendships due to friends who like their mania more than they like stability. I ended friendships when their paranoia showed up in a text at 2 AM accusing me of something I truly had not done. It’s not my job to change anyone, but it is my job to keep myself stable, so these friendships are no longer in my life. It’s probably the same thing when a person stops drinking and friends continue to drink heavily! You have to make a choice.

Just like Marty and Fran, I work super hard on my friendships. I look inside myself before acting out of a mood swing or paranoia. I wasn’t born with this ability. I created the plan in my book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and I USED it.

Is it hard? Yes! Hard, so hard! But I did it anyway. You can do this as well. I believe in our ability to change.

We can be GREAT friends!

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie is a board member of The International Bipolar Foundation, a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine. She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going. You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com.

 

Just Because You're Paranoid: How to Notice Gaslighting in Bipolar Disorder

By Beth Gadwa

Foreword by Julie A. Fast

I recently posted a note on Facebook that included a link to one of my Bp Magazine videos called Bipolar Disorder Paranoia and Keeping Your Relationships Strong. I made the point that I had to take responsibility over my own paranoia and not take it out on others. I have ruined many relationships in the past due to my untreated paranoid thinking and actions. Right under this post, bipolar disorder advocate and writer Beth Gadwa left a comment that truly opened my mind to the other side of the situation. She wrote:

Julie, please be aware that people with bipolar are also sometimes victimized and exploited in relationships. A good strategy is to “check in” with a neutral third party, such as a close friend or family member to try to determine if you are symptomatic. Being bipolar does not mean being a doormat, or turning a blind eye to infidelity or abuse. But it does absolutely mean we have to check ourselves, and pause and reflect before we act.

Wow, she was so correct! What if someone is telling YOU that you have paranoia or that you are manic for their own nefarious reasons! What if you are actually stable and someone is using your bipolar against you! What a thought! I knew I wanted to hear more. I told Martin Baker about it and as always he said, “Let’s do a post for Gum on My Shoe. This is an important topic.”

Here is the OTHER side of the symptoms story from Beth Gadwa. Thank heavens for open minds and hearts. This is how we learn. My mind was opened and expanded from her comment and I hope her stories below help you just as much as they helped me!

Julie

Julie A. Fast
Bestselling mental health author, speaker and coach
www.juliefast.com | www.BipolarHappens.com

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Just Because You’re Paranoid: How to Notice Gaslighting in Bipolar Disorder

by Beth Gadwa

Julie Fast wrote a great post about the dangers of bipolar paranoia and how it can undermine core relationships. I had one question in response: What do we do in real situations of abuse, infidelity, or gaslighting when someone is using our symptoms against us in order to control a situation? In my experience, both personally and professionally, neurodiverse people are at increased risk for violence and exploitation. Yes, it is important that we know our own symptoms and work hard to not take them out on others, but it’s equally important that we don’t just blindly accept the words and accusations of others when it comes to our brains.

Julie suggested that I share my own experiences. Here are two stories, both everyday situations that could happen to anyone. I tell them with the hope that we can learn from Julie’s work and at the same time, trust our own experiences in order to protect our brains from those who are out to harm.

#1. “Chicken Wars”

My friend Teri was visiting me from Ohio, with the thought that she might move to Portland permanently. One evening I noticed she was eating takeout fried chicken in the guest room. I asked if she could eat her meal in the common area, because the greasy chicken crumbs could stain the bedding and get into the carpet, attracting vermin.

She immediately became defensive, and told me I could not tell her what to do. I did not raise my voice, but reminded her she was a guest and had been staying at the apartment for over two weeks for free. She grew more agitated. She called me manic and accused me of starting the argument because I was bipolar. I was taken aback and hurt by her words.

To me, this was a normal roommate squabble that had nothing to do with mental health. I wasn’t experiencing any mania symptoms (sleeplessness, racing thoughts) so I didn’t feel the issue was mania or hypomania. I was simply protecting my home. Because of her response to my honest feelings, I felt I couldn’t express any negative opinion in the future without it being labeled symptomatic. We eventually talked through the situation, but it had an effect on our friendship. I have noticed over time that I have become more conflict-averse, which isn’t always a good thing.

#2. “You’d Have to Be Crazy to Break up with Me”

In 2014, I was casually dating a person I met online. At first Kevin was charming, but he grew increasingly controlling and possessive. We had been dating for about three months when he announced plans to throw a reception at a fancy hotel in “our” honor, and asked me to invite my friends too.

This made me uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to exit gracefully, so I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. He flipped out — started yelling, said that I was manic and didn’t know what I was talking about. In his mind, I didn’t “really” want to break up with him. It must be my diagnosis.

What I did next was check in with my good friend Kasey. She has known me for almost 20 years and reassured me that I didn’t seem to be manic. Kasey had only met the guy once, but she told me to watch out — his behavior fit the classic pattern of abusers and narcissists.

She was right.

The same day, Kevin had also called my sister (whom he had never met — he found her work number online) to “warn” her about my mental health. This creeped me out! Checking in with a trusted source helped me take care of myself and protect myself from a person who was out to harm.

How Can You Protect Yourself?

Relationships fail for a variety of reasons, but being told that having a negative opinion or wanting to leave was due to my mental health was not someone trying to help me. It was someone trying to control me. I focus greatly on my health and work hard to present the most stable self possible. And yet, gaslighting happened. For this reason, I believe it is essential not to have a “single point of failure” in your care network. This means that you check in with yourself and someone you trust, separate from the person who is making the accusation that your bipolar is a problem.

As a bipolar life coach, I advise my clients to stay in close touch with a broad support network of family and friends. That way if there is conflict that feels confusing, you have a neutral third party to evaluate the situation.

If you’re a friend or caregiver, be alert for symptoms as Julie suggests, but please don’t use them as a weapon. Work together with us if you worry that we are symptomatic and it is affecting our decisions. That makes us a part of a team. We need you!

 

About the Author

Beth Gadwa is a Certified Professional Coach with over eighteen years’ experience managing bipolar disorder. She splits her time between Portland, Oregon, and Western Massachusetts, where her partner Erik resides.

Learn more about her practice at bipolarlifecoach.com.

 

Effective Strategies to Manage Paranoia in Bipolar Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder

By Julie A. Fast

In part one of this blog, Exploring Bipolar Disorder and the Sister Diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder, I talked about psychosis in bipolar disorder and how some of us with bipolar also have a separate diagnosis of a psychotic disorder. Bipolar with a separate psychotic disorder is called schizoaffective disorder.

In part two I explore the topic of paranoia, a psychotic delusion. All people with bipolar disorder live with the possibility of paranoia. It’s more common than most realize. Paranoia is quite a friendship wrecker. I lived with paranoid thoughts and behaviors for many years before I learned how to control them. I still get paranoid but I’ve learned not to take it out on my friends the way I used to.

As a side note, please know that people can have paranoid behavior without having a mood disorder. Paranoid personality disorder is an example. This article is relevant to anyone who experiences paranoia.

How I Manage My Paranoia

I’ve taught myself to know what I think, say and do when I’m paranoid. I explain how I use this process in my Health Cards Treatment Plan for Bipolar Disorder. It is the only way I have found to manage my bipolar disorder as I can’t take many medications. Before I learned this system I was a tiny boat on a raging ocean of moods. I still have mood swings but I know now what they are and am able to control them. You can learn to do the same. If you’re a friend or loved one of someone with bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder, you can also learn to use this system to help. Here is how it works.

What I Think, Say and Do When Paranoid

What I think when I’m paranoid. Please note that I use the word ‘think’ but with delusions it really is more of a feeling than a thought.

Something isn’t right with my friend. She is upset with me and doesn’t want to tell me the truth.

People are meeting and having dinner parties and doing things without me. They don’t want me there, so they don’t invite me.

Friends think I don’t know what is going on, but I do.

Someone is upset with me. I can feel it.

No one is calling me. They are upset with me.

This is not a safe place. I have to get out of here.

Someone is following me in the car.

What I say. This is where I used to get into so much trouble! I would either say these things out loud or send an email.

I write an email or text and accuse someone of not wanting to contact me.

I ask friends, “Are you made at me?” or, “Is there something you want to talk to me about?” Or ”Is something wrong?”

I tell people, “I’m not stupid and I know that there is something wrong and you should just tell me the truth!”

J’accuse!

What I do.

I can’t look people in the eye.

I obsessively pour over emails and texts and search for hidden meanings.

I can’t sleep.

I look in my rear view mirror and see that cars are way too close. Someone is following me.

I look for recording devices. Maybe someone has hidden cameras in their kitchen.

I cut myself off from people I feel are harming me by not talking to me.

These are just a few examples. I’m interested to know if you have experienced anything listed above, either as a person with bipolar or as a friend. This paranoia symptom is often missed as it can be subtle. The internet has made paranoid communication much easier and people are very quick to accuse when it takes just a few seconds to send a message.

What if the Paranoid Feelings are Real?

I live in the creative world now and I often see my work used by other people. This is deeply distressing as you can imagine. The difference between this and what I describe above is that in most cases people actually have plagiarized my ideas. I tend to keep quiet about this as it can lead to actual paranoia, but sometimes I do have to take action. The main difference between paranoia and noticing that someone is using one of my ideas without credit is that paranoia is NEVER real. Can the two get confused? Yes, if I am paranoid I can think that someone is using my work who isn’t. This is why I use my Health Cards and never say anything unless I have facts to back me up. Even then, I might not be right!

How I Changed

One day, after a really terrible situation where I sent an awful email to a friend and effectively ended our relationship, I realized I had to change. I write about this experience in my Bp Magazine article Relationships and the Bipolar Trap. Was it easy to change? No. In fact, I still have to watch myself very carefully even though it has been almost twenty years since I sent the letter to my former friend. Here is what I do now.

1. I memorized what I think, say and do when I’m paranoid. I can’t trust my ill self, but I can trust my well self. The well me creates the Health Card (you can simply create a list of what you think, say and do) and I then use it when I start to get paranoid. Yes, you can teach yourself the signs you are paranoid and you can learn to stop the episode from going too far. It is NOT easy. I first had to see my paranoia was a problem and then had to stick to documenting my behavior so that I could use it later.
2. I made a promise to myself (and for the most part I have kept it) that I will NEVER, and I do mean NEVER, send a text or email or any form of communication that is accusatory. I stick to my own feelings and my own experiences. This has helped greatly. I no longer say You did this! or You are thinking this! Stopping this one action — the writing and accusing — has saved me a great deal of trouble and saved many of my relationships.
3. I accept that I still get paranoid. My symptoms are still here but I have learned how to minimize the symptoms.
4. I do not use any hallucinogenics. This means no cannabis (THC is a strong hallucinogenic and even when I tried low THC, or what was labeled as no THC, I got psychotic.) I keep away from any spiritual journey drugs such as magic mushrooms or Ayahuasca. My brain is too fragile to handle anything that is hallucinogenic.
5. I tell my friends what to look for. In the beginning I needed a lot of help from others. I needed people to say, “Julie, you asked me to remind you if I thought you sounded paranoid. I am reminding you now.” This helped me a lot. Eventually, I was able to control it on my own.
6. I keep away from people who are paranoid. I don’t have friends who believe in conspiracy theories, government cover-ups or chem trails. This doesn’t mean they are wrong and I am right. It means that this kind of person is not safe for me. It makes me ill to be around another person with paranoid thinking and talking.
7. I put my thoughts in a journal and they STAY there. I am always shocked to go back and read what I wrote when I was sick. I think, “Good heavens. I was really paranoid. I am SO glad I didn’t say anything!”
8. I take meds if needed. They help a lot.

It’s incredibly important to listen to others if you have the symptoms of paranoia. Your brain is not your friend when symptoms are raging. I had to ask for help with all of this.

Tips for Friends, Siblings, Family Members and Health Care Professionals

Make your own thinks, says and does list so that you will not get caught in a Bipolar Conversation. You can then decide how you want to approach the issue. I believe in preparing scripts to use when a friend is not doing well. For example,

Julie, you have been very honest with me about your bipolar disorder and I appreciate this. Right now, I feel that we are in a situation where the bipolar is doing some of the talking. I am concerned about what you are saying and feel you are in a mood swing. I’m here to discuss this with you.

Or

I know that these thoughts come up when life is stressful. I can tell you that I have not changed and you have not changed. The thoughts you have and the feelings you are experiencing sound intense, but please know they are not related to us. We can work on this together.

It helps to have a plan in place that you discuss when your friend is stable. You can ask, “What would you like me to say when I can tell you are paranoid?” And then use the words another person created for you.

Do you have signs of paranoia? Is paranoia causing problems in a friendship with someone who has bipolar? Please know that paranoia rarely goes away. It is a symptom that needs to be managed. Doing this as a team makes a lot of sense!

Julie

PS: My next post will be on trigger management. I’ll cover how I recognize and remove triggers to manage the paranoia as well as other aspects of psychosis.

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie is a board member of The International Bipolar Foundation, a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine.

She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. Julie is currently writing a book for children called Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis and Depression. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going.

You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com.