Gum on My Shoe

Want a one size fits all solution to your mental health problems? You’re cured with The Button! This article was inspired by a brilliant spoof mental health infomercial by VLDL (Viva La Dirt League). Before reading any further, I suggest you check it out. If you don’t laugh at some point this post probably won’t interest you. If you squirm a little, you’re in good company. I don’t want to spoil the surprise if you decide to watch it later, but the basic idea is they’re selling a handy gadget — a big red button — to help when someone is struggling and comes to you for support. Why inconvenience yourself figuring out the right thing to say when a press of the button will generate exactly what your friend or loved one needs to hear? Needless to say, the button’s suggestions are hopelessly inadequate, inappropriate, or just plain daft. Have you tried being more positive? It could always be worse. Happiness is a choice. Have you tried chamomile tea? It’s all just in you...

Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide. (Donald Woods Winnicott) The above quotation describes a dynamic I know well. Publishing a new blog post every Wednesday means each week I need to identify a topic and then write a piece I’m happy to present to the world. Some are more personal than others, but whatever the topic there’s a balance to be struck between wanting to communicate and respecting my vulnerability. The Desire to Communicate As I’ve written previously , I can’t imagine a time when I’m not expressing myself creatively in some way. That’s taken many different forms over the years, including clay modeling, painting, woodwork, and photography. Mostly, though, I’ve sought to communicate through my writing. These days that’s primarily through this blog, but in the past it’s included poetry, factual articles, short stories, and books. Friends have described me as having a passion for writing, or it being ...

This photograph by James Orr caught my attention in 2020 when I was looking for the perfect image to accompany one of my blog posts. It wasn’t what I was looking for at the time but I included it in my collection of 21 image prompts for the mental health blogger . Three years on, I’m ready take up the challenge and explore what JUST DON’T means to me. It stands in contrast to the more famous JUST DO IT imperative, which has featured in the promotional campaigns of American athletic footwear and apparel corporation Nike since 1988. The message of motivation and achievement is healthy enough in the right context, but like positivity of any kind it becomes toxic when applied without considering a person’s situation and needs. There’s an large dose of ableism in the “you can do anything if you want it enough” subtext. What if you want to do it but can’t? What if you don’t want to do it at all? There are many kinds of achievement, as I explored a couple of years ago in an article tit...

I’m just waiting on a friend. — Mick Jagger / Keith Richards. “Waiting on a Friend.” Pretty much every voice or video call that Fran and I share begins with me messaging her “rwya” — our shorthand for “ready when you are.” It’s become so much a part of our friendship that I rarely stop to think about it. Except today I did as I was waiting for Fran to call. I thought it might be interesting to explore what that little acronym means for us, in the hope others might find it useful. I can’t remember exactly when we came up with “rwya” but it was early in our friendship when transatlantic calls were still a novelty for us. In those days, Fran was going through a protracted episode of mania. She wanted and needed frequent and often immediate contact. I loved spending time with my new friend and was happy to accommodate her need for connection, but we needed to figure out how best to do that. I consider it a kindness and mark of respect if someone messages me before calling to check if...

I saw a social media post the other day which invited readers to share a quotation or piece of wisdom that had changed their outlook on life. The first that sprang to my mind was something I learned from Fran in the early days of our friendship. Everyone gets to be who they are. Fran had been telling me about someone she knew, and how their behaviour had irritated her. I made a half-joking comment to the effect that maybe she needed better friends. “No,” she replied. “Everyone gets to be who they are.” “Even the assholes?” I asked, now less than half joking. “Even the assholes.” Something about the exchange stuck with me. Along with other favourite mantras of ours such as no pedestals and baby steps are steps too , Fran and I reprise everyone gets to be who they are from time to time. Why does it resonate with me so much? I think it’s because it’s a healthy reminder that none of us is perfect. We all carry our share of hang-ups and issues around with us. Some o...

I’ve played Taylor Swift’s most recent album Evermore a lot since it came out in December. Four lines in particular caught my attention, from the song “Marjorie.” Never be so kind You forget to be clever Never be so clever You forget to be kind Let’s take a look at what it means to be kind and clever; clever and kind. Never Be So Kind You Forget to Be Clever I mentioned my idea for an article inspired by these lyrics to my friend and fellow blogger Aimee Wilson of I’m NOT Disordered . She immediately understood what I meant. “Maybe something like the importance of looking after yourself whilst supporting someone else?” “Yes! That’s exactly the sort of thing I was thinking about. Being there / being helpful / being kind on the one hand, but also being “clever” about boundaries. There can be an uneasy balance between wanting to be kind on the one hand and being clever (or wise) about it on the other. It might appear a good thing to be relentlessly and selflessly kind, bu...

Let it go, let it go. Can't hold it back anymore. (Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez. “Let It Go.”) In a previous article I discussed three kinds of conversation you might encounter in a mutually caring relationship. I call these “My Turn, Your Turn,” “It Will Be Your Turn in a Minute,” and “I Need to Talk Right Now.” Each has its place but the third is arguably the most critical — and perilous — because we’re at our most vulnerable when we allow ourselves to share powerful emotions. There are times when we want and need to just let the words flow, to “dump” (although I hate that expression), to express whatever it is we are feeling or thinking without being interrupted, questioned, or judged. In this article I want to explore how to let the words flow — to vent — as safely and productively as possible. Who, How, When, and Where It goes without saying that it’s best to vent to someone you trust; someone who can hold space without judging you or...

Originally written December 2012. Last night I was waiting for Fran to get home and come online for our call. She messaged to say she was home and was just going to send her friend a birthday message. I was happy to hear that and figured she wouldn’t be long. Then she messaged to say she was going to check my Facebook wall. I started getting impatient. Couldn’t she come on webcam with me while she did that? I put some gentle music on and did some meditative breathing while I waited. Fran finally called at 11:30. She was thirty minutes “late”. The first thing she said was that she had found the “Two minutes of calm” video I’d posted on Facebook and had meditated to that. I was cross, because I’d thought we could have done that together (which we did, later, once I’d regained my composure). Part of me recognised that, of course, Fran is free to do whatever she wants. She’d been out all day and must have wanted a little space to herself before meeting with me. But another part of...

The theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week (MHAW) is kindness. In a recent article I described sixteen ways we can bring more kindness into our lives , including being kind to ourselves. I’d like to share a few ways I’ve been kind to myself in the past week. 1. Boundary Work Kindness isn’t always easy, whether it’s showing kindness to others, accepting it from others, or being kind to yourself. Kindness isn’t fluffy, soppy, or superficial. At its heart, kindness is about honesty, respect, and maintaining healthy boundaries. I’ve done a lot of work this week on my boundaries, to see which are truly important and protect me from harm, and which are walls my ego has erected to defend an inflated sense of self-worth. It’s tough work but I feel I’m making progress, with the help of friends I trust to be honest with me. That’s kindness in action, right there. 2. A Time to Celebrate I’ve written elsewhere how important it is to recognise our successes and achievements . Yo...

By Beth Gadwa Foreword by Julie A. Fast I recently posted a note on Facebook that included a link to one of my Bp Magazine videos called Bipolar Disorder Paranoia and Keeping Your Relationships Strong . I made the point that I had to take responsibility over my own paranoia and not take it out on others. I have ruined many relationships in the past due to my untreated paranoid thinking and actions. Right under this post, bipolar disorder advocate and writer Beth Gadwa left a comment that truly opened my mind to the other side of the situation. She wrote: Julie, please be aware that people with bipolar are also sometimes victimized and exploited in relationships. A good strategy is to “check in” with a neutral third party, such as a close friend or family member to try to determine if you are symptomatic. Being bipolar does not mean being a doormat, or turning a blind eye to infidelity or abuse. But it does absolutely mean we have to check ourselves, and pause and reflect before...

By Julie A. Fast As friends of people with bipolar and schizoaffective disorder we want to be understanding and kind regarding the struggles people with serious mental illness face. But — and it is a very big BUT — there is a line to be drawn in terms of what you as a friend can handle, especially if the person’s symptoms are active. I see this from both sides. I have bipolar disorder and a psychotic disorder myself. I know what the symptoms can do to our minds, and ultimately how they can affect our friendships. I have lost or left many relationships with people who have untreated mental health symptoms. On one occasion a friend with schizoaffective disorder decided that I had stolen one of her ideas. She texted me at 11:30 p.m. on a Saturday night and said: I am very upset with you! I just saw your latest blog post and you’re using my ideas in this post and this is not cool. I need you to take it down and print a retraction! Another time, a friend with bipolar one decid...