Gum on My Shoe

I was inspired to write this post when the topic of gratitude came up twice for me in as many days. The first was when I was discussing journaling and gifting with my friend Brynn. It reminded me of the gratitude journal I was gifted a couple of years ago. I used to carry it with me everywhere and wrote in it regularly, but it’s sat on my desk for a while now, unused and rarely opened. The second was when I opened Spotify to play some music on one of my evening walks and noticed a podcast on radical gratitude by my friend and fellow blogger Liz Kay. I’d added it to my Spotify library a few weeks ago but hadn’t got round to listening to it. I played it on my walk, captivated by Liz’s gentle passion for the subject, and have listened to it several times since. If you’re at all unsure about the benefits of gratitude, I recommend giving it a listen. There is a blog version here , if you prefer to read rather than listen. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling much in the mood for gratitude ...

This article was inspired by something I saw posted to a mental health social media page: Have you ever gone out of your way to help someone and found out how ungrateful they are? In two and a half months the post has been liked and shared more than three and a half thousand times. It’s attracted over 800 comments, of which these are typical: Unfortunately yes. Yes! People suck! All the time. Too many times but I try not to [help] cuz when I need help there ain’t no one there. Absolutely. It’s left me not wanting to be that kind of good any more. The comments left me feeling sad and disillusioned. I decided to explore why that was. Gratitude Feels Good Let’s start with the obvious. It feels good to have our help acknowledged. At some level, it’s an ego thing, but that’s not necessarily unhealthy. Gratitude is encouraging and guides us to be better people. If someone thanks me I know I’m on the right track. If there’s no feedback, how do I know I’m offering what they n...

I’ve been experiencing a good deal of stress lately one way or another, and I thought it might help to focus on what’s been going well , and things I am grateful for. This blog post is the result and, yes, it did help. Creative Focus Fran and I recently announced we’re working on a new edition of our second book, No One Is Too Far Away: Notes From a Transatlantic Friendship , as the first edition is now out of print. The project has been a useful distraction from other things which have not been going so well. Last week I finished the Kindle conversion of the book and ordered a proof copy of the printed version which came the other day. My friend and fellow blogger Aimee Wilson asked if I was as excited about seeing it as I was with High Tide, Low Tide . I hadn’t really thought about it, but yes, I really was! There’s nothing quite like seeing your book in physical form and holding it in your hands for the first time. Memes When I’m struggling I tend to pull back from social...

This cute little Gratitude Journal was a gift from a friend at Christmas. I wrote in it more or less every day at first and loved finding at least one thing in the day to be grateful for. Things got in the way, though and I found I was only using it occasionally. I hadn't looked at it since we went into lockdown but last weekend I was thinking about Mental Health Awareness Week and its theme of kindness. I found my Gratitude Journal and read through the things I'd included at the start of the year. I added a few recent things I'm grateful for, like the three and a half hour call I had last week with the friend who gifted me the journal to celebrate our two years of friendship. Maybe you have a gratitude journal too, or a jar, or some other way you choose to remember the little things that can mean so much. Maybe you have a great memory and don't need anything! What are you grateful for today?  

By Daniel Wittler We are in the midst of a very difficult time. Covid-19 has taken away many of the luxuries we have in life and have taken for granted. Of course, many of these things are materialistic and possible to live without. There are certain groups of people that are being much more affected than most. I can’t tell you how many times a day I wonder how people in early recovery are doing while this is going on. I think about myself in early recovery and there were days where the biggest thing I needed was to go to a meeting and talk to somebody about the giant funk I was in that day and what I could do about it. There is a lot of power in simply talking to one another in recovery. Someone in early recovery feeling trapped and stuck from the outside world is a terrifying thought. Thankfully, with all of the advances of technology we are not truly alone. We are able to connect with our friends and family through internet/webcam services. Sure it’s not the same as being w...

Today, I simply give thanks. I give thanks to each person in my life sharing smiles, laughter, love, tears, happiness, contrast, and the wonders of the world with me. I give thanks to those seemingly different from me as they open my eyes to new ideas, understandings, opportunities, and ways of living. I give my thanks to those who choose to see love, health, happiness, and possibilities in whatever situation they find themselves in at this moment. I give thanks to those with such courage and conviction who face situations that seem insurmountable and yet find a way to not only survive but thrive. I give thanks to YOU and ask that you add Thank You to the top of your vocabulary list. Say thank you for the good experiences. Say thank you to the contrasting experiences as there is a gem waiting to be uncovered. Whether you say THANK YOU out loud or quietly to yourself, when you live in and with gratitude, you shine so bright you light up the world.  

Fran’s words from a few days ago are still with me: “The truest response is letting go ...” Yes... let go of pain, of joy, of aching, of delight ... Do not hold on to any of it. Let it rise, have its moment, and go, to be replaced by what arises in its stead ... externally and within you. Offer minimal resistance to what arises ... Let it pass through you, joyously, gratefully ... We cling, we hold on, from fear. Fear of losing what was never ours to begin with. Fear of daring to reach for what is within our grasp. This moment is all that you will ever own. It is what you have brought into being, it is what you were brought into being to experience, herenow. You are the universe’s gift to itself in this moment. No other has been granted this gift. Accept it, take it in your hands, examine its shape, colours, textures. Allow it fully into your awareness ... And let it go again ... Life is not a lesson, though you can choose to see it as such. Life is not a trial, though you are free t...

I am walking home from Tescos. It’s a little after 6 pm. I go to the store two or three evenings a week for groceries, or treats. Most times I would be pressing home, to be back in time for my Skype call with Fran at 7 pm. Not this evening, though. We’ve not fallen out or anything like that, it’s just she’s out with friends all day today while she’s having work done on her apartment. We have chatted on and off. The last time was about half an hour ago. Fran: Things are going well but I am exhausted. Horizontal day tomorrow. Marty: I’m at Tescos Fran: 1.45 movie Marty: Ooo what movie? Fran: My Cousin Rachel Marty: I will have to look it up. With J? Fran: Yes Marty: Cool We met up on Skype last night at 7 pm. We went through her checklist to make sure all the preparations were done, and she carried the laptop round the apartment so I could see the progress she’s made. We usually have another call later but didn’t last night, because there was still a lot for her to do. It’s a bea...

In June 2013 Fran travelled with her parents from New York to Hamburg via Southampton on board the RMS Queen Mary 2 . The trip gave us the chance to meet face-to-face for the first time after two years as friends. I drove down to Southampton the night before, and met them when they came ashore next morning. Excerpted from our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder . You’re Shaking! I set my clothes out for the morning, checked that my camera and satnav were charged, and tried to sleep. We had our day planned but I was still anxious. What if I was not allowed into the terminal to meet them from the ship? What if Fran’s parents wanted to go to Stonehenge after all? What if we found ourselves awkward with each other? Fortunately, a close friend was online. She chatted with me for almost two hours. She reminded me the day would be a success, no matter what we did or what happened, because I would spend it in the company of my best friend. It was a...

It’s surprising to find myself in the spirit of celebration. I am rarely one for special days. Often I am depressed and grumpy, a grinch, and having to fake cheeriness for others. A few years ago I began to look for little bits that light me up and dwell on them. There is so much excess and extravagance that can be overwhelming. My little bit grew every year. This year my table was graced with a garland, not one but two nutcrackers marched into my world, and an amaryllis bloomed magnificently by my window. These bits help me feel less alone. Next year a snow globe will sail on in. I never allowed myself to enjoy these frivolities before. But now I know how to cultivate a bit of joy and share it with dear friends of course. Fran  

The following is excerpted from High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder , by Martin Baker and Fran Houston (Nordland Publishing, 2016). Why Do You Do It? People are sometimes surprised how much time Fran and I spend together, and the degree of support I provide. One friend commented, “Realistically, who’s got the time and energy to unfalteringly provide that level of care and dedication to someone outside your immediate family?” It is a valid question, but misses the point a little. Not everyone with mental illness wants or needs the kind of caregiving relationship that works for us. What they almost certainly do want and need are friends they can rely on. Why is that so important? We all need support and companionship, but people living with mental illness often find friends are in short supply. Changes in mood, energy, and behaviour can strain relationships and leave people isolated precisely when they need help the most. Be the friend who doesn’t wa...

I did something remarkable yesterday. I laid down on a bed of tall grass, in a graveyard. I gazed up at the sun sparkling through the trees. I closed my eyes. When my time comes I won’t be resting in the earth. I will be riding on the waves of the sea with my beloved Bo, a golden, an angel. Friends may carve a stone or have a memorial. I only care that there is joy. I only care that there is kindness. I only care that there is freedom, the meaning of my name and my aspiration. Fran  

Stressing, striving, and straining never got me anywhere but sick. I was totally committed to my goals and achieving them at all costs. And I did. I was very successful as an electrical engineer, loved my work. I had the car, the house, the mate, the life. However, I had no balance, no boundaries, which basically translates into no wisdom. Inevitably, coupled with sickness, I lost it all. After many years of thrashing and grieving, beauty appeared. I found that tiny bit inside that was true. I listened to that and it grew. The same philosophy of striving can be applied to healing. Getting fixed, getting normal, getting free of whatever ails you. At all costs. There are a lot of people who are not shy to tell you what to do. I listened and clung to every word until I hit the wall with no money and no cure and was once again only left with that tiny little bit. This time I accepted my illnesses, even embracing them. I now saw them as teachers who were merely showing me how to care for...

This article has also been published at The Good Men Project . It inspired an exploration of weakness and emotional vulnerability which you can read here . Dear Dad I’m sitting here on a Sunday afternoon in my rocking chair, watching the tennis on television. How many afternoons did you spend like this, watching sport from your armchair? Tennis from Wimbledon, snooker, football on a Saturday. The classified football results became a familiar and comforting litany, though I never understood them. This is how I remember you. In your chair watching television. Benevolent but, like the football results, a mystery to me. What do I know of you; of my father, the man? What were your dreams? Your fears? Your doubts? What did you long for? What did you hate? I don’t think you were deliberately closed to me, but I never asked, and I can’t recall you venturing to share. I know you didn’t share Mum’s religiosity. Her churchgoing. Her faith. I recall one conversation between you. You te...

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave. Here are all 31 of my posts gathered in one place. You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it generated. Fran   Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 1 may is mental health awareness month.. more mind full more heart full less hurt full be.. ‪#‎endthestigma Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 2 Not sure how many of you have noticed, but I have not been posting much lately. When I am not strong I have few words and little faith. I withdraw because I feel no one cares about those more vulnerable. I work hard to stay strong but am ...