Showing posts with label Inspiration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Inspiration. Show all posts

Wednesday, 11 August 2021

Men and Mental Health: Resources and Heroes

After attending a men’s health webinar at work, I realised I write very little on mental health for men. I blog about what I’ve learned supporting friends who live with mental illness and other health issues, but almost all those friends are women. I write about my feelings, moods, and self-care, but I’ve never explored men’s mental health as such.

In this article I’ve drawn together some key statistics on men’s mental health; crisis and support lines; organisations, books, podcasts; and awareness days. I’ve also selected a number of articles written by men which we’ve hosted here at Gum on My Shoe, and a few posts of my own where I’ve touched on my mental health. Finally, I’ve briefly profiled four men who inspire me: Michael Baker, Jonny Benjamin MBE, Quinn Brown, and Peter McDonnell. I’m grateful to Quinn and Peter for their contributions to this article.

 

Men’s Mental Health Statistics

I struggle to hold statistics in my head for long but here are some numbers from the Men’s Minds Matter website that emphasize how big a deal mental health is for men — and how that potentially affects everyone.

  • Men currently make up 76% of all suicides in the UK
  • 42% of men have considered suicide
  • Three-quarters of missing people are male
  • 90% of homeless people in London are men
  • Men are more likely to be victims of violence
  • 5% of men (compared to 7% of women) have reported being a victim of domestic violence
  • Men make up the vast majority of the prison population
  • Men experience more substance abuse and dependence
  • Men account for 79% of drug-related deaths
  • The outward expression of male distress causes significant problems for other men, women and children

For further information, check out this report by mental health charity MIND: Get It Off Your Chest: Men’s Mental Health 10 Years On (PDF).

 

Crisis and Support Lines

The following are not specifically for men but are listed by groups and organisations supporting men’s mental health, or have been personally recommended. For further links, check our resources page.

  • CALM Helpline and Webchat
  • Hub of Hope is the UK’s leading mental health support database, listing local, national, peer, community, charity, private and NHS mental health support and services. Available on the website and app (Play Store | Apple Store).
  • ManKind Initiative 01823 334244 offers a confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence across the UK as well as their friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues and employers.
  • Support links at MANUP?
  • Resources pages at Men’s Minds Matter
  • MindLine Trans+ is a confidential UK helpline for people who identify as transgender, agender, gender fluid, or non-binary. It also offers support to family members and friends and signposts to other services and resources.
  • SHOUT 85258 is a free, confidential, anonymous text support service. You can text from wherever you are in the UK.

 

Groups and Organisations

The following groups and organisations are based in the UK. If you know of others, in the UK or worldwide, please let me know.

Andy’s Man Club

Andy’s Man Club runs “talking groups throughout the UK for men who have either been through a storm, are currently going through a storm or have a storm brewing in life.”

Boys Get Sad Too

“Boys Get Sad Too is not just a clothing brand. It is a community of like-minded people who want to see a positive change in the world. We are official supporters of CALM (The Campaign Against Living Miserably) charity who we donate 10% of our profits to, and we actively work to try and raise awareness for the struggles that men face.”

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)

“The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is leading a movement against suicide. Every week 125 people in the UK take their own lives. And 75% of all UK suicides are male. CALM exists to change this.” CALM operates a helpline and webchat.

Man Health

From the Man Health website: "Staying quiet about your struggles does not work. Our culture is definitely getting better at talking openly about mental health, but we still have a way to go. Many men still feel ashamed at confessing their own struggles and it’s this shame of the fear of judgement by others which we have to challenge”

Mantality

“Mantality’s mission is to go beyond stigma and inspire the everyday male to become the most comprehensive version of themselves; with their mental health the first point of address. We believe in being proactive around mental health, not reactive. We work towards progressing the conversation around mental health, developing the knowledge around it, so we can all live better lives.”

MANUP?

From the MANUP? website: “The adopted term of ‘MAN UP’ as we know it, needs to be challenged. Don’t just brush yourself down and get on with it. That's our focus, that’s our mission. We are well aware that mental health isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ so we just talk to those who have lived through it, with the aim of showing those who might be struggling that they/you are not the only one.”

Men’s Minds Matter

“Men’s Minds Matter is a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to the prevention of male suicide by building psychological resilience and emotional strength. We are passionate about reducing suicide rates for men through the development and provision of psychological crisis interventions that prevent suicide.”

Talk Tonight – Selby C.I.C

“Talk Tonight – Selby C.I.C (Community Interest Company) is a peer-to-peer support group for members of our community [Selby, North Yorkshire, and the surrounding areas] who are struggling with their mental health or for those that care for someone with a mental illness.”

 

Books

 

Podcasts and Videos

 

Awareness Days and Events

Men’s Mental Health Day (#MensMHday)

Founded in 2014, Men’s Mental Health Day is an awareness day marked in Canada on the Tuesday before Father’s Day, during International Men’s Health Week. The event “aims to raise awareness of how signs and symptoms of mental health conditions may present themselves differently in men, and to normalize conversations about mental health issues to reduce the stigma that often prevents men from seeking help.”

International Men's Health Week

Men’s Health Week is celebrated each June as the week leading up to and including Father’s Day. Its purpose is to heighten the awareness of preventable health problems and encourage early detection and treatment of disease among men and boys. The first Men’s Health Week was in 2002, following discussions at the first World Congress on Men’s Health in 2001 concerning the need to coordinate awareness periods around the globe. The next Men’s Health Week will be June 13-19, 2022.

 

Blog Posts

A selection of posts by men here at Gum on My Shoe, starting with three of mine where I’ve discussed aspects of my mental health.

Martin Baker

Michael Baker

Stewart Bint

Quinn Brown

Jay Chirino

Jules Clare

Kenneth J Cody

Chris Good

Peter McDonnell

John Medl

Andrew Turman

 

Four Men Who Inspire Me

These men inspire me immensely in various ways.

Michael Baker

In the interests of full disclosure, Mike is my son — and I could not be more proud of him! Mike is open about living with chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME) and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), and also deals with anxiety. As he has shared in guest posts with us (see here and here), these conditions have a major impact on his life, but Mike navigates the challenges they present with fortitude and good — if sometimes a little dark! — humour. In his own words:

It can be very difficult for those of us who suffer from chronic illnesses such as this to keep our spirits high. One thing I do is create a big list of things which make me happy, and do all I can to make those things happen, as often as I can. Being happy really improves your outlook, so I suggest we all give it a shot!

Mike is a novelist and a freelance writer in the games industry. He also creates fantasy maps for gamers and authors, and blogs on gaming and fantasy writing at The Thousand Scar’s Muse. You can find Mike’s cartography services on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter at @thethousandscar.

Jonny Benjamin MBE

I met Jonny Benjamin in August 2019 at an event on mental health and friendship. Many will know the story of how in 2008, recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, Jonny stood on London’s Waterloo Bridge prepared to take his life. His life was saved by a passing stranger who talked him down from the edge. As I described in my blog about the event:

Hearing Jonny talk about what happened on the bridge was intensely moving for me, as I’m sure it was for everyone in the room. He spoke of Neil holding space, of his being engaged and “invested.” Above all it was Neil’s positivity and lack of judgement that made the difference, as well as him telling Jonny there was no need to be embarrassed. This stranger’s acceptance, compassion, and simple humanity saved Jonny’s life.

I haven’t attempted to contact Jonny since the event, but I follow his social media with interest. In addition to The Stranger on the Bridge, Jonny co-authored The Book of Hope: 101 Voices on Overcoming Adversity which is “an inspiring and moving collection of 101 honest stories that illustrate human strength and resilience.” An anthology of his poetry was published in 2012 as Pill After Pill: Poems From A Schizophrenic Mind.

You can follow Jonny on his website.

Quinn Brown

Quinn has been something of a hero to me since we first connected on Twitter in 2019. We’ve yet to meet in person but surely that day cannot be too far away! In Quinn’s own words, “I am a proud gay, trans man who has been out as trans since 2018 and as gay since 2020.”

He is active online and locally, with an LGBTQ+ support group in Selby, Yorkshire called seLGBTQ+. For details, check out the group’s Facebook page. Quinn launched a campaign earlier this year under the hashtag #InWithTheBins to encourage businesses, organizations and shops to install sanitary bins in men’s toilet cubicles. As Quinn rightly says, “trans men do have periods and cis men may have underlying health conditions which mean they require a sanitary bin to dispose of waste.”

Quinn has been nominated in the category of Positive Role Model (LGBT) in the National Diversity Awards 2021 for his dedication and ongoing work. He’s also been nominated for a Selby District Shining Star award in the Shining Star Through the Pandemic category, which is “for an individual who has overcome the challenges of the pandemic and made a difference to your local community.” He’s a great guy and I’m proud to call him my friend.

You can follow Quinn on Facebook and Twitter.

Peter McDonnell

Peter is a mental health advocate and blogger who I first met on social media in 2017. He blogs on a range of topics based on his own lived experience of mental illness and his passions for travel and art. He has guested here at Gum on My Shoe on a number of occasions. In his own words, “I have found painting to be helpful and cathartic, therapeutic and a fun hobby. During my recent hospitalisation I did nine canvases in three weeks while on an acute mental health ward, seeing out a blip after having to come off meds due to physical side effects.”

Peter volunteers at the Basingstoke Community Furniture Project, and Parklands hospital where he was a patient, and is on the North and Mid Hampshire Mental Health Service User Advisory Board. Peter shared his experience of mental health wards in a recent article for the Basingstoke Gazette.

 

The majority of links I’ve provided are specific to the UK, as that’s where I live. If you’d like me to include other organisations, groups, or services related to men’s mental health, please let me know and I’ll update the article. Thank you!

 

Photo by Shane Rounce on Unsplash

 

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Wednesday, 4 March 2020

Ten Anthems for Comfort, Celebration, Inspiration, and Healing

A few years ago Fran and I took Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly online workshop. One of the exercises invited us to select one or more arena anthems: songs “that will inspire you to stay brave when the gremlins start getting to you or when you start to doubt your ability to stay vulnerable through the tough parts.”

I chose Eminem’s “Lose Yourself,” the Indigo Girls’ song “Hammer and Nail,” “By Thy Grace” by Snatam Kaur, and Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush singing “Don’t Give Up.”

I was thinking about my anthems the other day and thought it would be interesting to revisit the list. I have added six tracks which in various ways mean a great deal to me. Some of them have personal resonances which will be recognised by certain people in my life. Whether you know me personally or not I hope they move and inspire you too.

Links are to my favourite versions of the songs on Youtube.

1. Lose Yourself

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

Eminem — Lose Yourself

2. Hammer and Nail

My life is part of the global life
I’d found myself becoming more immobile
When I’d think a little girl in the world can’t do anything
A distant nation my community
A street person my responsibility
If I have a care in the world I have a gift to bring

Indigo Girls — Hammer and Nail

3. By Thy Grace

It is by thy grace that I sing

Snatam Kaur — By Thy Grace

4. Don’t Give Up

Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are

Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush — Don’t Give Up

5. Let It Go

It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Frozen — Let It Go — Official Disney UK

6. Wherever You Will Go

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I’ll go wherever you will go

The Calling — Wherever You Will Go (Official Video)

7. How to Save a Life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The Fray — How to Save a Life

8. This Is Me

I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

The Greatest Showman — “This Is Me” with Keala Settle

9. Take Me Home

Came to you with a broken faith
Gave me more than a hand to hold
Caught before I hit the ground
Tell me I’m safe, you’ve got me now

Jess Glynne — Take Me Home

10. F**kin’ Perfect

Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me!

P!nk — F**kin’ Perfect (Explicit Version)

Do you have favourite tracks that you find helpful and inspiring? We’d love to hear from you!

 

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Saturday, 23 March 2019

Kind in Mind and Heart

I was chatting to my friend Roiben the other day about coasters. Not the boats, the little place mats you put your coffee mug on. I asked if she had any particular kind in mind. She showed me some lovely ones on Etsy, but it was something about that phrase that caught my attention.

Kind in mind

It got me thinking about all the times we’re not kind in mind. Not kind-minded at all, towards others and ourselves. Often we imagine our intentions are kindly, but under the surface there’s some self-serving ego element at work.

It’s something I’ve been working with quite a bit lately, with the help of friends unafraid to hold things up to the light for me.

Kind in mind gives me a new reference against which to assess my motivations.

Kind in mind and heart takes things a step further.

“Is this kind in mind and heart?” I ask myself, as I contemplate some new course of action or intervention. I am not always going to get it right, but it’s already helping.

Maybe it can work for you too.

Incidentally, my favourite coaster is one Fran bought me, shown here with my favourite mug.

 

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Wednesday, 22 March 2017

TEDx Speech by Sharon Sutton

I am proud to have been in the audience at the Durham Marriott Hotel Royal County for Sharon Sutton’s recent TEDx Durham talk. In a powerful and moving speech, reproduced here in full, Sharon gives an insight into what it’s like to live with mental illness, and how she has found her purpose and passion.

TEDx Speech by Sharon Sutton

Durham Marriott Hotel Royal County
Saturday 11 March 2017

So, what do you do when you get a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder?

When I got mine in 2013, along with my prescription for a box of mood stabilisers in tow, I didn’t know what to do, whether to tell anyone, or what was to lie ahead for me, but what I did want to know, was what it meant, and, what I was going to do about it. For about a month, I kept relatively quiet about my Psychiatrists recent conclusion, however, eventually it appeared to be no secret.

For anybody that is unaware of what Bipolar Disorder is, it was formerly known as manic depression and it can affect your moods by swinging from being in a depressive to an elevated state. It’s common and can affect 1 in every 100 adults. Many people like myself are usually diagnosed when depressed.

Bipolar disorder results in just over a 9-year reduction in expected life span, and as many as one in five patients with bipolar disorder succeeds in taking their own life. Although bipolar disorder is equally common in men and women, research indicates that approximately three times as many women as men experience rapid cycling. Bipolar disorder affects nearly 6 million American adults, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population age 18 and over every year.

Side effects can include a range of symptoms from having difficulty in concentrating and remembering things, difficulty sleeping, hallucinating, self-doubt, lacking energy, to being irritable, easily distracted, talking quickly, being overjoyed, hyperactive and having racing thoughts. Mania is an extreme elevated state which can include extremely risky behaviour, but I myself have never experienced it. I have experienced hypomania though. In some of my depressive states I haven’t left the house for weeks except for school runs, I’ve cut off the outside world and barely looked after myself. On the other hand, I ‘ve jumped up and down on the bed randomly in the middle of the night being full of adrenalin along with my bedroom window wide open whilst singing loudly to the birds, all while not caring who is listening or who I may potentially annoy.

So, you’re probably wondering how all this came about.

Well, I think that my mental health problems began when I was approximately 16. I had never known much middle ground in my life, but what I knew, as did others, was that, I was different. By now I was told that I stood out from most people and I liked it. I never once wanted to blend in. Unfortunately, a year before I moved out, so I will have been about 15 years old, I spent mixing with the wrong crowd of people by getting into trouble and I was up to nothing but pure mayhem. I’m ashamed to admit that I think I became a dreg of society within that space of time.

At just 16 years old I moved out of the family home and spent 9 years in an abusive relationship with a psychopath. I was bullied, spat on, conditioned, spoken to like I was worthless, controlled, stalked, mentally, financially, sexually and physically abused and so this was the beginning of a downward spiral in my mental health. I sometimes had knives held to my throat and at one point I even had a fractured left hand and bruises on my body. It wasn’t easy to walk away from the life that I had and it was easier to put up and shut up.

Whilst I was in this relationship, age 19 by now, I took on a Fish and Chip shop for 6 years with help from family members to buy it. Not one of my best idea’s, but most definitely a learning curve I must admit. I had a love hate relationship with my business and I say this because it was what put food on my daughter’s plate and what I wanted at the time so that I could have more stability in my life.

On the bright side, my shop was listed as one of the top 50 in the UK and the only one north of Whitby to get the Sea Fish Industry Authority Award; it was ranked alongside a celebrity chef’s fish and chip shop and mentioned in numerous national newspapers and magazines.

Radio interviews followed as did photographer’s randomly turning up at my shop to get their share of photos of myself with the award. To say it was rather surreal was an understatement. It’s on my wall in my house right now and I am proud of that achievement. Nevertheless, the roller coaster of my life continued.

I was about 7 months pregnant at the time with my eldest daughter and my life literally changed overnight.

After my ex tried to unsuccessfully take mine and my daughter’s life in a car crash, I felt like I had to finally take matters into my own hands. However, I found myself being too scared to move on in my life. So, I drove in front of a lorry head on instead. I clearly didn’t know what I was thinking at the time. Luck was obviously on his and my side that day. The only thing that stopped me from driving into the lorry was the driver flashing his headlights and at that moment I swerved my car to miss it.

I was alive but sick of my life. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted my pain to end. It was more of a cry for help. I felt exhausted in every way and I wanted to leave the world behind as I thought it was my only way out. From the outside looking in it would have appeared that I had everything. A family, a business, a house and a car. This was maybe the case, but behind closed doors it was a different story. A house it was, but a home it was not. My then partner never did find out about my suicide attempt and so my life went on everyday like Groundhog Day.

After some time, I finally dared to move on. I sold the business and moved house with just me and my eldest daughter. I spoke to the Police about my violent past and unfortunately with my case being historic by then and the fact that I had little proof of what I had experienced they couldn’t really help me. I wanted to help others not to go through what I had, so I started work as a Police volunteer in Domestic Violence, Adult Vulnerability and Child Abuse Investigation. I sometimes spoke to victims, signposted people for help and I typed hundreds of transcripts of Police interviews ready for court. I loved what I did.

I met someone else, moved house again, had another child and eventually started married life. I was in the relationship for about 4 years before we parted ways. My complicated personal life continued. Disastrous toxic relationships followed, but at the same time without what has happened in my life I wouldn’t be here and where I am today. It’s now 2017, roughly ten years since I was at my lowest point in my life, now I’m stood telling you my story, pleased that I failed at my suicide attempt.

In just over 3 years what have I done with that diagnosis then?

Well, to aid myself to getting on the path to a better life I decided to teach myself what it was all about and the rest is basically history. From then I set up a Facebook page called Me, Bipolar & I to help people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression and Bipolar Disorder, of which I have experience all. Today that page has over 12 thousand followers worldwide, is recognised by The International Bipolar Foundation in the USA, and is looked at by Police forces, Psychiatrists and all sorts of different people.

From there I’ve looked for things that I can do and be part of. I’ve been involved in TV and scientific research, co–delivered Bipolar Disorder classes in Recovery College and University, helped raise awareness by speaking to support providers, met celebrities and spoken about mine and their experiences to them, contributed to clinical assessments, educated myself, done interviews, worked in a mental health hospital and community mental health team, become a member of different mental health charities, joined a drop in group as a volunteer, met with staff in local businesses to try and educate them, had my thoughts put in front of parliament members and even won the former Deputy Prime Minister’s Mental Health Hero Award in 2015, out of 900 nominations there were approximately 40 UK winners of which I was 1 of 3 in the North East of England to get it. The award is on my wall at home along with my Fish and Chip shop award.

I try to be an advocate by speaking out, blogging and campaigning by breaking the silence, and if more people, like myself, spoke out about mental illness there would be a lot less stigma and discrimination within society. I speak for the silent, but together we can be stronger in numbers. You know, when we learn how to work together versus against each other, things might start getting better.

So, after years of being on different medications I have been totally free of them for over 8 months now and I find that weight lifting and boxing benefit me too. I help my new partner and he helps me as we both have experience of mental health problems.

I don’t let Bipolar Disorder get in my way with what I want to achieve. It’s not an excuse but an explanation of my behaviour, and just sometimes, having bipolar disorder means waking up not knowing whether Tigger or Eeyore maybe making my decisions for me!

It doesn’t rule my world nor define me, but, it fuels my passion and inspires me. To be honest, without Bipolar Disorder I don’t think that I would be as mentally strong as I am today. I find it a curse at times, but more definitely a blessing, and from it I now have a passion and a purpose.

If there is one thing that you could take away from this speech, then please remember to try to see the person and not the diagnosis.

Change your fears, change your boundaries, change your limits and thus,

Choose your hobby as your job.
To go somewhere even if you have no idea where the road will take you.

Choose to be excited about your next idea whatever it may be.
To move out of your comfort zone.

Choose health and to look after yourself.
To help people even when you don’t want to help yourself.

Choose to be the person that you would want to know.
To smile at the person who isn’t smiling back at you.

Choose to be different and to stand out.
Not to be consumed by everything.

Choose your thoughts not to be controlled by society.
Not to be told what to do.

Choose not to let trivial things get to you.
To be inspired by whatever may inspire you and to laugh when it’s totally inconvenient to do so.

Choose to be the person that everyone wants to genuinely know.
To love the life you live.

Choose experiences over possessions.
To never give up.

CHOOSE LIFE.

Thank you.

 

Speaker Profile

Sharon is a multiple award winner and volunteer in the field of mental health. Sharon speaks of her illness and how it affects her yet she explains how she lives with it and how she doesn’t let it defeat her daily.

After a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, she went onto researching the condition to find out what it was about. She is a blogger for major online newspapers and is an advocate and ambassador for the silent and standing for the broken to raise awareness by helping thousands of others worldwide.

Follow Sharon on Facebook and Twitter, and on her author page at Northern Life Magazine.

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Monday, 19 December 2016

Why Do You Do It?

The following is excerpted from High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder, by Martin Baker and Fran Houston (Nordland Publishing, 2016).

Why Do You Do It?

People are sometimes surprised how much time Fran and I spend together, and the degree of support I provide. One friend commented, “Realistically, who’s got the time and energy to unfalteringly provide that level of care and dedication to someone outside your immediate family?” It is a valid question, but misses the point a little. Not everyone with mental illness wants or needs the kind of caregiving relationship that works for us. What they almost certainly do want and need are friends they can rely on.

Why is that so important? We all need support and companionship, but people living with mental illness often find friends are in short supply. Changes in mood, energy, and behaviour can strain relationships and leave people isolated precisely when they need help the most. Be the friend who doesn’t walk away when things get rough. It is not always easy for us either, but what began as a private joke captures the essence of commitment.

“You’re stuck with me now, Frannie. I hope you realise that.”

“Like gum on my shoe.”

Someone wrote to us recently, “Your journey as friends reminds us that mental illness doesn’t change what friendship is all about: being there for those we love.” That meant a lot because the reciprocal nature of our relationship is not always recognised. Fran is there for me as much as I am there for her. She is neither a drain on me nor a burden—although she doubts this on occasion.

Fran said to me today, “I don’t get it. Why are you still here?” I told her no matter what is going on, whether she is having a good day or a bad day, whether I am having a good day or a bad day, I never don’t want to be here.

I am a better person for knowing Fran. I have a greater understanding of my strengths, values, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities than ever before. I have learned more about mental and invisible illness, suicidal thinking, stigma, determination, courage, and responsibility since we became friends than in the fifty years before we met. I have explored meditation, Non-violent Communication (NVC), mindfulness, and other techniques that benefit my life enormously.

I have greatly expanded my circle of friends, met people who feel safe sharing their stories in response to mine, and learned how it feels to offer my skills and experience in the service of others. I have grown—and continue to grow—as a friend and as a man. But the most important thing I have gained is our friendship itself. Why do I do it? Because Fran is my best friend and that is what best friends do.

 

High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder is available at: Amazon.ca | Amazon.com | Amazon.co.jp | Amazon.co.uk | Amazon.de | Amazon.es | Amazon.fr | Amazon.it | Barnes & Noble

 

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Friday, 29 July 2016

The Meaning of My Name and My Aspiration

I did something remarkable yesterday. I laid down on a bed of tall grass, in a graveyard. I gazed up at the sun sparkling through the trees. I closed my eyes. When my time comes I won’t be resting in the earth. I will be riding on the waves of the sea with my beloved Bo, a golden, an angel.

Friends may carve a stone or have a memorial. I only care that there is joy. I only care that there is kindness. I only care that there is freedom, the meaning of my name and my aspiration.

Fran

 

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Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Here’s my bits:#‎mentalhealthmonth 2016

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave.

Here are all 31 of my posts gathered in one place. You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it generated.

Fran

 

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 1

may is mental health awareness month..
more mind full
more heart full
less hurt full
be..

‪#‎endthestigma

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 2

Not sure how many of you have noticed, but I have not been posting much lately. When I am not strong I have few words and little faith. I withdraw because I feel no one cares about those more vulnerable. I work hard to stay strong but am dealing with my own demons and self care must come first at such times.

I ask those who have minds, energy, and care to step up to the mark, because frankly those who are ill are not enough to help those who are ill ~ the drowning rescuing the drowning, the blind leading the blind. Your compassion counts. Make room. Take time.

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 3

silence stigma suicide
3 little words ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 4

It’s remarkable when you have friends and a support team that circles in to help you be safe. Mental illness is not fun and games and is certainly not a choice. The love exchanged is beyond comprehension..‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 5

I’m 55 and still alive.

I am proof one can suffer suicidal thinking for a lifetime and not only survive but thrive. My devoted and tenacious friends are the most successful antidote daily inviting me back from that edge, besides the countless souls who have dealt / deal me kindness. They are my suicide interrupters. You too can make that difference.

Let’s do this..

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 6

Rarely do those without illness want to hear of chronic illness struggles. I find that we only want victories, happy endings, and positivity. This Mental Health Month of May has given me permission and courage to go ahead and share the insides of my lived experience of illness. My hope is to encourage insight and care. I will post regularly through the month. Then I will get back to fluff, flowers, and animal videos which are more acceptable.‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 7

When one is invisibly ill nothing shows on the outside. On the inside, however, there is much going on. There is an unending queue of changing symptoms. There is confusion about who one is, a feeling of being out of one's mind with skin crawling, anxiety, terror even. And on top of all this, stigma makes us have to fake it, to pretend to be someone else in order to make others comfortable. And so we hide.

The energy required for the facade only makes us sicker and doesn’t yield the connection we long for. Isn’t it about time to drop judgement and let the light of honesty and kindness in? Let’s be real.. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 8

Sitting here on this gray day I’m going through all the business cards I’ve gathered over the last twenty years. I cannot tell you how many dedicated and hopeful practitioners dared to work with me. So much money. So much time. So much effort. All spent.

My greatest healing has been acceptance. My body speaks to me in pain, fatigue, and mood. Acceptance of that allows me to move through life honestly, gracefully, messily. This is my truth.

Please stop promising me a rose garden.

That being said I have an amazing massage therapist and outstanding chiropractor that patiently and wisely keep putting me back together again as I continually fall apart.

It’s a process. It’s called life.

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 9

The psychiatrist I worked with for over ten years was old school. He believed in minimal drugs and talk therapy. Even though I am diagnosed as bipolar he always wrote mood instability on all the paperwork. He did not believe in labels. He did not believe in the fancy expensive drugs. He believed in people and their ability, when given proper care and connection, to move toward balance. I never felt like a patient. I felt like a human. I believe there is much wisdom here. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 10

There are those who envy me. They look at my life and think I'm on easy street. I have a lovely apartment in a lovely city. I have extraordinary close devoted friends.

People think I’m strong. People think I’m lucky. People think I have an interesting story. “You should write a book.” I get that a lot.

The road taken to get where I finally have support was a very long one. It included rape at 15. It included a 7 year physically and mentally abusive marriage. It included a sexual discrimination and harassment lawsuit. I’ll stop there. There was much more.

These things are forgiven. I am not ashamed. I count them not only as beautiful scars but as a measure of my character and resilience. I don’t however take them into my present. What happened then happened then. What happens now happens now. And yes I am vigilant to who and what comes into my life.

These days I rest - a lot. I twist in pain - a lot. My mind takes me on benders - a lot.. There are those who envy me.. But would they trade their life for mine?

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 11

I get upset when people feel they are entitled to argue with my reality or tell me what to do or speak down to me because I live with illness. I have my own wisdom, my own intelligence, my own value system.

When I first became ill I sought any advice from anyone in any fashion in quite a desperate way I’m ashamed to say, until I learned my own way. I no longer seek to get fixed or cured. I only seek to live well and love well in this moment. Having been chronically ill for so long I have developed some skills with empathy and kindness and I honor those who struggle because I know what it takes. Life is easy when you are healthy. That doesn’t make you an expert for the rest of us.

I have no answers for anyone. I offer my lived experience. I invite sharing. I aim to keep my ego out of it. I am care full with my words. Words can hurt. Words can heal. So much of it is about intention and approach. And, most of all, heart.

So instead of suffocating us with your language why not learn ours.

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 12

‪#‎cfsawarenessmonth‬
‪#‎millionsmissing‬

For those of you who don’t know, not only do I live with Bipolar Disorder I live with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (C.F.S.) / Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.) and Fibromyalgia. To make it easier for all of us I simply say fatigue, pain, and mood which is in no way meant to diminish the seriousness of these conditions, which I affectionately call my invisible illnesses.

Two close friends died these last two years. One, a man my age, fit and active, died by depression. The other, a young woman who actively advocated even while severely debilitated, died by chronic fatigue syndrome. I refuse to use the term suicide because if they did not have these illnesses they would still be here. Suicide implies lack of will and lack of character, which these well loved souls had in abundance.

We are not sitting around being lazy, unable to cheer up, unable to calm down, laying around eating bon-bons, complaining about our pain. This is real and this matters. The overwhelming symptoms we endure can be easily validated online if you choose to look. Unfortunately most folks including those in the medical establishment don’t want to look. Hence another reason for the term invisible.

If you think these illnesses can't touch you, think again. If you don't think they are dangerous, think twice more.

Not only is this Mental Health Month, it is also the month to raise awareness of the myriad of Invisible Illnesses. I will be posting links throughout the day. It’s your choice to pay attention or to scroll on by. Whatever you do or don’t do makes a difference..

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 13

I believe in moving. I was active as a child. I ran 5-7 miles daily in my engineering days. Illness hit like a mac truck. I would spend beautiful Maine summers with blinds drawn and bedridden. I spent tens of thousands of dollars with healers of every sort trying to claw my way back to some semblance of my former self. When I lost my home I moved to a camp in the back woods of Maine. I stopped everything because everything stopped. I slept 20 hours a day. I would wait in bed for the impulse inside to arise. Then I would move one finger at a time.

I stopped insisting to do more than I could. I dismantled the push, strive, achieve, goal, do best model that I had been fed all my life. I moved from inside rather than outside no matter how slow. And I learned to love myself for it. I slept almost a year like that. And then it was time to move. Even now I have bouts of days, weeks, months, where I simply am unable, and I allow myself that. When I do what others easily can it’s usually way too much and I pay for it. In this way illness has been my teacher and has invited me to be my true self. There is just no wiggle room.

I found a wonderful senior fitness group. Some of them are over 90 years old. I try to keep up but often can’t. They are a good gracious kind caring bunch and I do my best to get there three times a week even if I must forfeit everything else. And if I can’t make it they miss me. That’s my tribe.

I’m half turtle half koala. I admire gazelles but can never be one. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 14

Broken brain. Muddy mind. Cognitive chaos. Anything is better than the phrase mental illness. How vague. How utterly useless to describe our conditions. It serves only to carry on the stigma that further debilitates us. A broken leg we can understand, cancer too. Those labels are respectable. If only I could trade mine in.

I cannot tell you how many different medications I have ingested. And how many side effects I have endured. Wrestling the illness is bad enough. I was misdiagnosed with major depression in 1994. For ten years I was prescribed antidepressants until I was correctly diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2004. So what? you ask. Antidepressants significantly exacerbate bipolar episodes. Sadly such misdiagnosis is not rare.

Finally in 2012 I resigned myself to take lithium. The horror stories I had heard and read petrified me. But one thing about lithium kept poking and prodding me. It was the only drug reputed to curb suicidal thinking and I desperately needed that. Within a week torment subsided. It’s not gone but it’s much better. I have blood tests regularly that keep me from toxicity but over time it will likely affect other organs of mine.

Risperdal thwarted a particularly high and dangerous bout of mania. Since is it so addictive I now use it sporadically to head off episodes (crossed fingers) and for my insane insomnia. Both lithium and Risperdal are guaranteed weight gain drugs which bring a host of other problems.

I won't bore you with the countless nightmares of all the other prescribed medications.

I have studied/study all the acronyms offered - DBT, CBT, ACT, EFT, NVC. I’m sure I’ve left some out. Tons and tons of talk therapy - some good, some not. If there is one thing I’ve done it is work very diligently and exhaustively to keep things at bay. Sadly that is no guarantee. It is frightening to know no matter how hard I try to stay on the well side of things my illness can take over at any time for however long and for no reason.

All these things and others help but what is MOST valuable is having regular people who care. Being alone in hell makes hell much worse.

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 15

I have pain. I have it when I get out of bed. I have it when I have my morning drink. I have it when I dress for the day. I have it while I am on the computer. I have it when I walk. I have it at exercise class. I have it during massage. I have it when I visit you for lunch (of course you have no idea). I have it when I watch Netflix. It is invisible. Ever present.

I can make it worse. Stress. Insomnia. Toxic people. But rarely can I make it better. The only thing I have found to help is rest. That prevents a lot of living. The other thing is attitude. If I listen and pay attention I can care. This is my body talking. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 16

I’m taking the day off even though my mental illness doesn’t. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 17

Borrow a brain. Lord knows I do. My best friend edits each and everything I post. My psychiatrist reminds me my moods and thinking aren’t always down to bipolar. It could be I am being human just like the rest of the world. But when I am in that driver’s seat with the mud flinging and smudged on the windshield, wipers so completely ineffective, I rely on my passenger who is seeing sunshine and rainbows, clear skies ahead. He talks me through, giving directions gently and expediently. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 18

I am always honored when people respond to my mental health posts. I know the courage it takes to like or comment and become visible to others..

I also recognize the conflict in clicking “like” on something difficult you want to acknowledge and support but don’t actually like..

I decided a long time ago to make some good out of my situation.. It’s not easy for you or for me but it is so worth it when folks either get it or are helped.

Thank you.. ❤ ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 19

Each one of us experiences highs. Each one of us experiences lows. Each one of us knows pain. Each one of us knows fatigue. But there are orders of magnitude. It’s a matter of functionality. There is feeling depressed and there is DEPRESSION. There is feeling manic and there is MANIA. There is pain and fatigue one can live with or that passes and there is PAIN and FATIGUE that renders one bedridden for days, weeks, months. Both levels are real but they are NOT THE SAME. These are important distinctions because if you got ‘over it’ you are likely to expect others to get ‘over it’ too. Perhaps empathy may be a more compassionate way. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 20

Mental illness crosses all boundaries. Race, gender, geography, politics, economics.. and any others you can think of. At least one in five has mental health issues and many others are affected: loved ones, family, friends. Next time you go to a party or an event look around and really get what one in five looks like, just how close that really is, and open wide your heart. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 21

Invisible illness doesn’t just mean you have an illness that can’t be seen, it means friends disappear and then you do..

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 22

Sitting on my favorite bench on the back shore letting the ocean get inside me.. Taking responsibility. Taking strength. Early on I stopped blaming everyone and everything for my illnesses including myself. I realized looking inward, being curious, and taking baby steps would be a surer and safer path. There are so many who say they have answers or offer services to those desperate for help who have no resources. When I stepped away from all that my own confidence grew. I eat when I’m hungry. I rest when I’m tired. I meditate and medicate when my mind races. I use ice or heat when there is pain. When I have energy I do stuff, when I don’t I don’t. For me simple is best.

My favorite tombstone now is:
She did what she could. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 23

When I’m on the phone I walk around my apartment. My slider was open. I saw my sweet neighbor down below pushing her cart through the parking lot. I called her name with a hi even though I was still on the phone. She looked up at me big eyed and excited. She shared the treasures she found at a yard sale close by. It’s something she loves and I’m glad for her. I, on the other hand, have not a yard sale bone in my body but I do recognize passion and that enlivens me. I’m not sure what flavor illness she has. Some call her crazy. I recognize the inside of her, the spirit, and that I love. And my friend on the phone, he was happy too..

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 24

I am aware that not everyone is happy with my writing about illness and often I am tempted to clam up. Then another private message arrives reminding me how my candid words help. I feel honored and inspired. I guess I won’t stop. Not yet. Not today.

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 25

‪#‎millionsmissing‬

When I am feeling sad or ill or less than the very last thing I need from you is ‘cheer up’ or ‘no you’re not’ or ‘look at all you have’ or ‘go for a walk’ or ‘summer’s coming, you’ll feel better then.’ That makes me shrivel and curl up into a ball, hiding under the covers, after of course I get utterly pissed off at the insulting way you have dismissed me, my feelings and my experiences. This is not empathy. And I will not trust you as a friend. Why not let me be who I am and feel what I feel and listen and maybe even hold my hand?

This may be hard for you to hear. This is the way it’s always been. Change is not easy. I had to get my brave on to speak out. Now it’s time for you to get your brave on..

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 26

The spiritual side of illness. I’m well aware of how our society touts the American Dream. The focus on goals, success, and being the best or at the very least being normal. For those of us weakened by illness there is little room made, in fact, we stay home. Our culture values ‘getting’ healed, ‘getting’ fixed as a measure of our character, morality, and spirituality. One of my close friends once said, ‘If you were spiritual enough, you’d be well by now.’ Those words slayed me like a machete.

The truth is we navigate dangerous waters. We battle dragons inside and out. Chronic illness is endless. That means n-e-v-e-r ending. The courage it takes to take a shower is an Olympic event. Just rising in the morning can be an Everest. All this is done in secret behind closed doors. No accolades. No reward.

For me living with illness is the truest life I have ever known. It teaches me compassion, kindness and patience daily. It teaches me to be alive and aware and flow to the nuances that my ‘limitations’ bring. I remember who I was. I remember how I was. I have grown. I love myself now.

I wouldn’t trade my life, its gifts, and its sheer honesty for anything.

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 27

Many times when I meditate the garbage truck comes. It parks right below my window and takes the trash and recyclables. It is loud and clanky. This need not be a problem. I continue on with my practice. I am grateful that my house and mind aren’t overflowing with things that no longer serve me. I appreciate the emptiness that is left behind ~ I have not always been this appreciative. Now more often than not, I giggle. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 28

I have bipolar. What’s your excuse? ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 29

Wellness in a nutshell. Many things come with owner manuals, except us. Whether we are sleek fast spaceships or rusty rickety grounded ones like me, having some kind of guide helps us navigate. Marty and I created a personal care manual, a wellness toolbox, and a travel plan to do just that. They are living documents that help keep me well.

Input. Output. Rest. Most obviously, these words are a way of looking at diet, exercise, sleep. But life provides a wide range of choices that either feeds us and allows us to give, or depletes us.

Sometimes I need a back to basics repertoire and sometimes I can be more expansive. My illnesses give me continuous feedback as to what I can or cannot do.

This need not be a problem. They are simply asking me to care. Sometimes extreme self care is needed. I get to listen or not listen. How many of us listen to what our bodies and illnesses are saying? Do we respond in kindness?

Tweaking and tinkering can be a joy or a chore. I choose joy (mostly). There is no one big fix. Most folks want that but life is not that way. Resilience works best. Tease out your ill parts, accept them, reside in that well part of you. Deep well.

I am the expert of me. When I allow my own wisdom to bubble up rather than frantically running to others to fix me, I can access a space that holds my highest good. And that quiet wisdom can guide me further inside or to fitting healers.

Some colors in my palette:

  • Medication Meditation
  • Nourishment Exercise
  • Hygiene Heat Ice Decluttering
  • DBT CBT ACT EFT NVC
  • Mindfulness Guided Imagery TED Talks
  • Acupuncture Chiropractic Massage
  • Movie therapy Brave Heart Gilmore Girls
  • Art Music Theater Nature Connection
  • Marty

When I am unsure what to do or what not to do I use my 51% rule. I check in and feel what percentage I am on board with something. If it’s not at least 51% it is not happening. I also use my coin toss app or maybe even use real ones.

Wellness is not about getting fixed. It’s about resonance. It’s about being choiceful. It’s about baby steps. And it’s about life being custom made.

What’s in your nutshell? ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 30

Words matter. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Communication is difficult enough without choosing words unwisely. The way in which they are said, intent and delivery, is another critical component. Interpretation and perspective may well be the listener’s responsibility however kindness (or not) reflects thoughtfulness (or not) on behalf of the speaker. Words are the window to thoughts, feelings, and even the soul. Let your mouth be a gatekeeper. Spoken or unspoken. ‪

I learned a few things from a friend and a counselor. One is: Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. Another: All feelings can be funneled into four flavors - mad, glad, sad, and afraid. This makes it easier for me to decipher the kaleidoscope of feelings that can clobber me at any time. Simple works best. ‪

Since bipolar is a mood disorder often words pierce in ways that they would not otherwise. Balancing emotions becomes an impossible feat. Skewed perception goes even more haywire. The actual words are the only measure I can attempt to wrap my mind around, so delivery, whether sloppy or careful, matters greatly. My emotions can easily spin out of control, making sound thinking unfathomable. I can easily dive to depression or fly to mania. This is not something I can control. ‪

Thankfully I have a few chosen friends who support me to process in a life enhancing way. ‪

My responsibility and challenge is to eliminate judgmental, devaluing, debilitating words from my vocabulary in my own head. Examples of these are should, shouldn’t, have to, need to, supposed to, try, sorry, worry, and a host of others that are sticky and that I no longer even remember from disuse. I literally clip my lip and I ask others to do the same. For me it is a matter of life and death. ‪

There are other ways and words that can be used that are more powerful and considerate. Here’s an example: “I’m sorry I’m late” can be transformed into “Thank you so much for your patience.” For me this gives two completely different visceral responses. One I feel deflated and less than, both parties lose. The other feels uplifting, connecting and affirming. “I worry” can be swapped with “I care.” ‪

I spent one whole year saying No to everything. When invited I would say, “No thank you, but if I change my mind I’ll let you know.” Doing this taught me what my Yes’s are. It was life changing. ‪

Wisdom is key. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 31

It took quite some courage for me to write my bits. When I first became ill I tried to hide, while desperately pursuing healing and fixing. I tried clawing my way back to my former self. I was terrified of how people would treat me and treat me they did. All of them left. I was alone.

I went to a cabin in the Maine woods either to die or to live. I’m still not sure which. I was alone.

I moved to an island somewhat restored only to have the most horrific mania and subsequent depression. Again everyone left. I was alone.

I met my best friend then. In the midst of my hell. And he dared to care for me. It didn’t matter that we lived 3000 miles apart. It didn’t matter that I was scraping the sky or down and dirty or that I was moment to moment suicidal. None of that mattered. He looked in my soul and saw me. His name is Marty.

From that point on, step by step, word by word, we walked together, no matter the weather. And little by little I found my voice. Only from being able to lean on him have I been able to find my strength, my way, my life. We wrote a book.

‘Here’s my bit’ came from wanting to make a difference, wanting to make invisible illness visible, to bring it into the light of day. All I needed was a little bit of courage and commitment. Change only happens when something changes. That change was me.

Thank you all for joining me on this journey..

every little bit counts.. ~fjh

gumonmyshoe.com ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

 

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Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Here’s my bit:
#‎mentalhealthmonth 2016 part 3

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave.

The first ten posts are here. Days eleven through twenty are here. You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it got there.

Fran

 

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 21

Invisible illness doesn’t just mean you have an illness that can’t be seen, it means friends disappear and then you do..

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 22

Sitting on my favorite bench on the back shore letting the ocean get inside me.. Taking responsibility. Taking strength. Early on I stopped blaming everyone and everything for my illnesses including myself. I realized looking inward, being curious, and taking baby steps would be a surer and safer path. There are so many who say they have answers or offer services to those desperate for help who have no resources. When I stepped away from all that my own confidence grew. I eat when I’m hungry. I rest when I’m tired. I meditate and medicate when my mind races. I use ice or heat when there is pain. When I have energy I do stuff, when I don’t I don’t. For me simple is best.

My favorite tombstone now is:
She did what she could. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 23

When I’m on the phone I walk around my apartment. My slider was open. I saw my sweet neighbor down below pushing her cart through the parking lot. I called her name with a hi even though I was still on the phone. She looked up at me big eyed and excited. She shared the treasures she found at a yard sale close by. It’s something she loves and I’m glad for her. I, on the other hand, have not a yard sale bone in my body but I do recognize passion and that enlivens me. I’m not sure what flavor illness she has. Some call her crazy. I recognize the inside of her, the spirit, and that I love. And my friend on the phone, he was happy too..

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 24

I am aware that not everyone is happy with my writing about illness and often I am tempted to clam up. Then another private message arrives reminding me how my candid words help. I feel honored and inspired. I guess I won’t stop. Not yet. Not today.

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 25

‪#‎millionsmissing‬

When I am feeling sad or ill or less than the very last thing I need from you is ‘cheer up’ or ‘no you’re not’ or ‘look at all you have’ or ‘go for a walk’ or ‘summer’s coming, you’ll feel better then.’ That makes me shrivel and curl up into a ball, hiding under the covers, after of course I get utterly pissed off at the insulting way you have dismissed me, my feelings and my experiences. This is not empathy. And I will not trust you as a friend. Why not let me be who I am and feel what I feel and listen and maybe even hold my hand?

This may be hard for you to hear. This is the way it’s always been. Change is not easy. I had to get my brave on to speak out. Now it’s time for you to get your brave on..

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 26

The spiritual side of illness. I’m well aware of how our society touts the American Dream. The focus on goals, success, and being the best or at the very least being normal. For those of us weakened by illness there is little room made, in fact, we stay home. Our culture values ‘getting’ healed, ‘getting’ fixed as a measure of our character, morality, and spirituality. One of my close friends once said, ‘If you were spiritual enough, you’d be well by now.’ Those words slayed me like a machete.

The truth is we navigate dangerous waters. We battle dragons inside and out. Chronic illness is endless. That means n-e-v-e-r ending. The courage it takes to take a shower is an Olympic event. Just rising in the morning can be an Everest. All this is done in secret behind closed doors. No accolades. No reward.

For me living with illness is the truest life I have ever known. It teaches me compassion, kindness and patience daily. It teaches me to be alive and aware and flow to the nuances that my ‘limitations’ bring. I remember who I was. I remember how I was. I have grown. I love myself now.

I wouldn’t trade my life, its gifts, and its sheer honesty for anything.

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 27

Many times when I meditate the garbage truck comes. It parks right below my window and takes the trash and recyclables. It is loud and clanky. This need not be a problem. I continue on with my practice. I am grateful that my house and mind aren’t overflowing with things that no longer serve me. I appreciate the emptiness that is left behind ~ I have not always been this appreciative. Now more often than not, I giggle. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 28

I have bipolar. What’s your excuse? ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 29

Wellness in a nutshell. Many things come with owner manuals, except us. Whether we are sleek fast spaceships or rusty rickety grounded ones like me, having some kind of guide helps us navigate. Marty and I created a personal care manual, a wellness toolbox, and a travel plan to do just that. They are living documents that help keep me well.

Input. Output. Rest. Most obviously, these words are a way of looking at diet, exercise, sleep. But life provides a wide range of choices that either feeds us and allows us to give, or depletes us.

Sometimes I need a back to basics repertoire and sometimes I can be more expansive. My illnesses give me continuous feedback as to what I can or cannot do.

This need not be a problem. They are simply asking me to care. Sometimes extreme self care is needed. I get to listen or not listen. How many of us listen to what our bodies and illnesses are saying? Do we respond in kindness?

Tweaking and tinkering can be a joy or a chore. I choose joy (mostly). There is no one big fix. Most folks want that but life is not that way. Resilience works best. Tease out your ill parts, accept them, reside in that well part of you. Deep well.

I am the expert of me. When I allow my own wisdom to bubble up rather than frantically running to others to fix me, I can access a space that holds my highest good. And that quiet wisdom can guide me further inside or to fitting healers.

Some colors in my palette:

  • Medication Meditation
  • Nourishment Exercise
  • Hygiene Heat Ice Decluttering
  • DBT CBT ACT EFT NVC
  • Mindfulness Guided Imagery TED Talks
  • Acupuncture Chiropractic Massage
  • Movie therapy Brave Heart Gilmore Girls
  • Art Music Theater Nature Connection
  • Marty

When I am unsure what to do or what not to do I use my 51% rule. I check in and feel what percentage I am on board with something. If it’s not at least 51% it is not happening. I also use my coin toss app or maybe even use real ones.

Wellness is not about getting fixed. It’s about resonance. It’s about being choiceful. It’s about baby steps. And it’s about life being custom made.

What’s in your nutshell? ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 30

Words matter. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Communication is difficult enough without choosing words unwisely. The way in which they are said, intent and delivery, is another critical component. Interpretation and perspective may well be the listener’s responsibility however kindness (or not) reflects thoughtfulness (or not) on behalf of the speaker. Words are the window to thoughts, feelings, and even the soul. Let your mouth be a gatekeeper. Spoken or unspoken. ‪

I learned a few things from a friend and a counselor. One is: Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. Another: All feelings can be funneled into four flavors - mad, glad, sad, and afraid. This makes it easier for me to decipher the kaleidoscope of feelings that can clobber me at any time. Simple works best. ‪

Since bipolar is a mood disorder often words pierce in ways that they would not otherwise. Balancing emotions becomes an impossible feat. Skewed perception goes even more haywire. The actual words are the only measure I can attempt to wrap my mind around, so delivery, whether sloppy or careful, matters greatly. My emotions can easily spin out of control, making sound thinking unfathomable. I can easily dive to depression or fly to mania. This is not something I can control. ‪

Thankfully I have a few chosen friends who support me to process in a life enhancing way. ‪

My responsibility and challenge is to eliminate judgmental, devaluing, debilitating words from my vocabulary in my own head. Examples of these are should, shouldn’t, have to, need to, supposed to, try, sorry, worry, and a host of others that are sticky and that I no longer even remember from disuse. I literally clip my lip and I ask others to do the same. For me it is a matter of life and death. ‪

There are other ways and words that can be used that are more powerful and considerate. Here’s an example: “I’m sorry I’m late” can be transformed into “Thank you so much for your patience.” For me this gives two completely different visceral responses. One I feel deflated and less than, both parties lose. The other feels uplifting, connecting and affirming. “I worry” can be swapped with “I care.” ‪

I spent one whole year saying No to everything. When invited I would say, “No thank you, but if I change my mind I’ll let you know.” Doing this taught me what my Yes’s are. It was life changing. ‪

Wisdom is key. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 31

It took quite some courage for me to write my bits. When I first became ill I tried to hide, while desperately pursuing healing and fixing. I tried clawing my way back to my former self. I was terrified of how people would treat me and treat me they did. All of them left. I was alone.

I went to a cabin in the Maine woods either to die or to live. I’m still not sure which. I was alone.

I moved to an island somewhat restored only to have the most horrific mania and subsequent depression. Again everyone left. I was alone.

I met my best friend then. In the midst of my hell. And he dared to care for me. It didn’t matter that we lived 3000 miles apart. It didn’t matter that I was scraping the sky or down and dirty or that I was moment to moment suicidal. None of that mattered. He looked in my soul and saw me. His name is Marty.

From that point on, step by step, word by word, we walked together, no matter the weather. And little by little I found my voice. Only from being able to lean on him have I been able to find my strength, my way, my life. We wrote a book.

‘Here’s my bit’ came from wanting to make a difference, wanting to make invisible illness visible, to bring it into the light of day. All I needed was a little bit of courage and commitment. Change only happens when something changes. That change was me.

Thank you all for joining me on this journey..

every little bit counts.. ~fjh

gumonmyshoe.com ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

 

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Friday, 20 May 2016

Here’s my bit:
#‎mentalhealthmonth 2016 part 2

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave.

The first ten of my posts are here. This page has days eleven through twenty. Days twenty-one through thirty-one are here. You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it got there.

Fran

 

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 11

I get upset when people feel they are entitled to argue with my reality or tell me what to do or speak down to me because I live with illness. I have my own wisdom, my own intelligence, my own value system.

When I first became ill I sought any advice from anyone in any fashion in quite a desperate way I’m ashamed to say, until I learned my own way. I no longer seek to get fixed or cured. I only seek to live well and love well in this moment. Having been chronically ill for so long I have developed some skills with empathy and kindness and I honor those who struggle because I know what it takes. Life is easy when you are healthy. That doesn’t make you an expert for the rest of us.

I have no answers for anyone. I offer my lived experience. I invite sharing. I aim to keep my ego out of it. I am care full with my words. Words can hurt. Words can heal. So much of it is about intention and approach. And, most of all, heart.

So instead of suffocating us with your language why not learn ours.

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 12

‪#‎cfsawarenessmonth‬
‪#‎millionsmissing‬

For those of you who don’t know, not only do I live with Bipolar Disorder I live with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (C.F.S.) / Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.) and Fibromyalgia. To make it easier for all of us I simply say fatigue, pain, and mood which is in no way meant to diminish the seriousness of these conditions, which I affectionately call my invisible illnesses.

Two close friends died these last two years. One, a man my age, fit and active, died by depression. The other, a young woman who actively advocated even while severely debilitated, died by chronic fatigue syndrome. I refuse to use the term suicide because if they did not have these illnesses they would still be here. Suicide implies lack of will and lack of character, which these well loved souls had in abundance.

We are not sitting around being lazy, unable to cheer up, unable to calm down, laying around eating bon-bons, complaining about our pain. This is real and this matters. The overwhelming symptoms we endure can be easily validated online if you choose to look. Unfortunately most folks including those in the medical establishment don’t want to look. Hence another reason for the term invisible.

If you think these illnesses can't touch you, think again. If you don't think they are dangerous, think twice more.

Not only is this Mental Health Month, it is also the month to raise awareness of the myriad of Invisible Illnesses. I will be posting links throughout the day. It’s your choice to pay attention or to scroll on by. Whatever you do or don’t do makes a difference..

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 13

I believe in moving. I was active as a child. I ran 5-7 miles daily in my engineering days. Illness hit like a mac truck. I would spend beautiful Maine summers with blinds drawn and bedridden. I spent tens of thousands of dollars with healers of every sort trying to claw my way back to some semblance of my former self. When I lost my home I moved to a camp in the back woods of Maine. I stopped everything because everything stopped. I slept 20 hours a day. I would wait in bed for the impulse inside to arise. Then I would move one finger at a time.

I stopped insisting to do more than I could. I dismantled the push, strive, achieve, goal, do best model that I had been fed all my life. I moved from inside rather than outside no matter how slow. And I learned to love myself for it. I slept almost a year like that. And then it was time to move. Even now I have bouts of days, weeks, months, where I simply am unable, and I allow myself that. When I do what others easily can it’s usually way too much and I pay for it. In this way illness has been my teacher and has invited me to be my true self. There is just no wiggle room.

I found a wonderful senior fitness group. Some of them are over 90 years old. I try to keep up but often can’t. They are a good gracious kind caring bunch and I do my best to get there three times a week even if I must forfeit everything else. And if I can’t make it they miss me. That’s my tribe.

I’m half turtle half koala. I admire gazelles but can never be one. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 14

Broken brain. Muddy mind. Cognitive chaos. Anything is better than the phrase mental illness. How vague. How utterly useless to describe our conditions. It serves only to carry on the stigma that further debilitates us. A broken leg we can understand, cancer too. Those labels are respectable. If only I could trade mine in.

I cannot tell you how many different medications I have ingested. And how many side effects I have endured. Wrestling the illness is bad enough. I was misdiagnosed with major depression in 1994. For ten years I was prescribed antidepressants until I was correctly diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2004. So what? you ask. Antidepressants significantly exacerbate bipolar episodes. Sadly such misdiagnosis is not rare.

Finally in 2012 I resigned myself to take lithium. The horror stories I had heard and read petrified me. But one thing about lithium kept poking and prodding me. It was the only drug reputed to curb suicidal thinking and I desperately needed that. Within a week torment subsided. It’s not gone but it’s much better. I have blood tests regularly that keep me from toxicity but over time it will likely affect other organs of mine.

Risperdal thwarted a particularly high and dangerous bout of mania. Since is it so addictive I now use it sporadically to head off episodes (crossed fingers) and for my insane insomnia. Both lithium and Risperdal are guaranteed weight gain drugs which bring a host of other problems.

I won't bore you with the countless nightmares of all the other prescribed medications.

I have studied/study all the acronyms offered - DBT, CBT, ACT, EFT, NVC. I’m sure I’ve left some out. Tons and tons of talk therapy - some good, some not. If there is one thing I’ve done it is work very diligently and exhaustively to keep things at bay. Sadly that is no guarantee. It is frightening to know no matter how hard I try to stay on the well side of things my illness can take over at any time for however long and for no reason.

All these things and others help but what is MOST valuable is having regular people who care. Being alone in hell makes hell much worse.

‪#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 15

I have pain. I have it when I get out of bed. I have it when I have my morning drink. I have it when I dress for the day. I have it while I am on the computer. I have it when I walk. I have it at exercise class. I have it during massage. I have it when I visit you for lunch (of course you have no idea). I have it when I watch Netflix. It is invisible. Ever present.

I can make it worse. Stress. Insomnia. Toxic people. But rarely can I make it better. The only thing I have found to help is rest. That prevents a lot of living. The other thing is attitude. If I listen and pay attention I can care. This is my body talking. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 16

I’m taking the day off even though my mental illness doesn’t. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 17

Borrow a brain. Lord knows I do. My best friend edits each and everything I post. My psychiatrist reminds me my moods and thinking aren’t always down to bipolar. It could be I am being human just like the rest of the world. But when I am in that driver’s seat with the mud flinging and smudged on the windshield, wipers so completely ineffective, I rely on my passenger who is seeing sunshine and rainbows, clear skies ahead. He talks me through, giving directions gently and expediently. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 18

I am always honored when people respond to my mental health posts. I know the courage it takes to like or comment and become visible to others..

I also recognize the conflict in clicking “like” on something difficult you want to acknowledge and support but don’t actually like..

I decided a long time ago to make some good out of my situation.. It’s not easy for you or for me but it is so worth it when folks either get it or are helped.

Thank you.. ❤ ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 19

Each one of us experiences highs. Each one of us experiences lows. Each one of us knows pain. Each one of us knows fatigue. But there are orders of magnitude. It’s a matter of functionality. There is feeling depressed and there is DEPRESSION. There is feeling manic and there is MANIA. There is pain and fatigue one can live with or that passes and there is PAIN and FATIGUE that renders one bedridden for days, weeks, months. Both levels are real but they are NOT THE SAME. These are important distinctions because if you got ‘over it’ you are likely to expect others to get ‘over it’ too. Perhaps empathy may be a more compassionate way. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

Here’s my bit
‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 20

Mental illness crosses all boundaries. Race, gender, geography, politics, economics.. and any others you can think of. At least one in five has mental health issues and many others are affected: loved ones, family, friends. Next time you go to a party or an event look around and really get what one in five looks like, just how close that really is, and open wide your heart. ‪

#‎endthestigma‬

 

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