Tuesday 19 January 2016

Illness and Vulnerability

I have lived with bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia for over twenty years. For a long time I was full of rage, and sought any kind of fixing.

I went to the woods of Maine for a year to find my baseline. What I found was acceptance, within myself. My illnesses were no longer a problem.

Coming back into the world was much more difficult. I suffered stigma, rejection, and horrible ostracization, especially when I was in full blown mania and most needed help, despite precisely following doctors’ orders and taking all steps for self-care. I would get so mad about people’s misunderstanding me and what I was dealing with.

In time, I began to focus on the tiny bits that were good in my life, without expectation. Funny thing is, those tiny bits grew. Now, I have a small circle of diehard friends, and an ever widening circle of those who get it.

As Brené Brown says, “Don’t try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.”

Thanks Brené!!!



Wednesday 13 January 2016

My Sun One

Snow and cold may be outside but inside the bright light warms me luxuriously, my own personal sun. It kisses me, long and luscious, forgiving my pajamas and seeming slothfulness.

Basking in its smile I am renewed and mended. It’s as if each ray resuscitates my every cell. I am the kindling ignited and invited graciously into the fire of life.



Saturday 2 January 2016

Dragon Ride

These things I do. They are not always me. Like when I talk too fast. Or too loud. Or post too much. Or think in loops. Or forget everything. Or pee a lot. Or look like I’m drunk. Or runny nose. Or can’t hear. Or can’t sleep. Or can’t walk. I am not trying to be difficult. And it’s not like I’m not trying. I have illness. This is a very short list of my symptoms and side effects. They vary day to day. Managing them is like riding a dragon. Please be kind.



Friday 1 January 2016

The red dress

Big revelation. Just because someone says something about me or to me does not mean it’s true. I don’t need to put the red dress on just because someone wants me to wear it. Not only that, I don’t need to react in anger or even at all. I need not process it ad nauseum. And I don’t even have to dignify it with a response. I can simply step aside and give space. Perhaps lots and lots of space. My life, time and energy are precious.

So are yours.