Only Partly Clueless: The Secret to Being a Supportive Friend

It’s easy to imagine you need to be a mental health expert to support a friend or loved one who lives with a mental health condition. In my experience, learning about a friend’s diagnosis gives me a better appreciation of what they have to deal with, but no online resource, book, or training course can make me fully aware of their situation.

I was reminded of this recently on a call with Fran. We were talking about people who seem to routinely — almost willfully — misunderstand how things are for her. She’s normally pretty laid back when people get it wrong, because not everyone has personal experience of her physical and mental health conditions. On this occasion, however, she was frustrated because the people we were discussing knew about her diagnoses. At least one of them owned a copy of our book. I joked that I still get things wrong, despite having been her friend for thirteen years.

“That’s true,” she said. “The difference is, you’re only partly clueless.”

I made a note of the expression, recognising its relevance to our relationship and to supportive friendships generally. I took it as an acknowledgement that I have some awareness of how things are for her, but I don’t assume my understanding is accurate or complete. I’m open to Fran updating my understanding or telling me outright that I’m wrong. It’s an important aspect of our friendship and foundational to the trust we have in one another. The same is true of my relationships with other friends, many of whom live with significant physical and mental health conditions.

“Only partly clueless” reminds me that while education is valuable and helps me support my friends more effectively, I’ll never fully understand the challenges they live with every day. It would make a great t-shirt!

 

Photo by Emily Morter at Unsplash.

 

Write When You're in it, Publish When You're Out. A Guide to Blogging About Mental and Physical Illness

As someone who blogs about mental health and supportive friendships, I’m often inspired by what my friends are going through, or my experiences as someone who cares about them. Many of my blog posts begin “This piece was inspired by a recent conversation with ...” In most cases, this occurred within a week or so of my sitting down to begin writing. I don’t necessarily publish straight away, however. I might wait because I already have posts lined up, for example, or hold a piece back for an upcoming awareness day or event. Sometimes, though, I wait because the circumstances I’ve described are still ongoing. This is what I want to write about today. It’s an approach I call Write When You’re in it, Publish When You’re Out. I’ll focus on blogging, but the same considerations apply to sharing in other ways, including posting on social media.

Write When You’re in it

I’m a firm believer in capturing how you’re feeling while you’re feeling it, or as shortly afterwards as is practical. I’ve kept a journal for almost fifty years, so the idea of documenting things as they happen comes naturally to me. My diaries are personal, though. I’m talking here about capturing feelings, thoughts, and events with the intention of using them in your writing. You can edit, rephrase, and reframe at leisure, but you can’t go back to that place once you’ve moved on.

• Write about insomnia when you’re unable to sleep.
• Write about fatigue when you’re fatigued.
• Write about pain while you are in the middle of it.
• Write about mania, depression, anxiety, and psychosis while you’re experiencing those states.
• Write about overwhelm while you’re feeling overwhelmed.
• Write about your thoughts and feelings about what your friend or loved one is going through, while you’re experiencing them.

How you capture things is up to you. Use any and all approaches you’re comfortable with. Here are a few which work for me.

Write things down, on paper or electronically. I use Google Keep, with the shortcut on the homescreen of my phone so I can access it easily.

Photos are a quick way to capture what’s hapening.

Record details of your conversations with friends, family, and professionals. If it was a chat conversation, screenshot or copy and paste snippets into your notes. If it was in person, jot down your impressions as soon afterwards as possible.

Date your notes as you go. This makes it easier to organise them and relate them to what was happening around you at the time.

Save links to websites, articles, and social media posts that resonate with how you’re feeling. Don’t rely on your memory. Weeks or even days afterwards, it will be difficult if not impossible to locate that article you read or that meme you saw which expressed just what you were going through.

Don’t worry about the quality of your writing at this stage. You can refine it later.

Short paragraphs or bullet points will be easier to work with later, but use whatever approach works for you. One exception to the “short is good” maxim is if your writing style varies depending on how you’re feeling. As we discuss in our book, Fran’s writing during episodes of mania is very different to how she expresses herself when depressed or stable.

As for actually writing the piece, some situations might allow you the impetus, focus, and energy to get your notes and ideas in order. Mania or other high energy states might facilitate the creative process. Others, including episodes of depression, anxiety, extreme fatigue, or overwhelm might make it difficult to compose your article. In that case, set your notes aside and return to them later.

Publish When You’re Out

Whenever you write your blog post, I recommend leaving the final editing and proofreading until you’re on the other side of what’s been happening. A little space and time can give you a fresh perspective. This applies both to your article itself and your options for publication. You might decide not to publish at all, or that the time’s not right to do so. I’ve done this myself on a few occasions, and for various reasons. I described some of these in When Blogging Is Hard and What to Do About It.

If your writing style is influenced by your emotional state or symptoms, you might want to revise what you’ve written once your situation is more stable. More generally, the piece might benefit from a broader perspective. Take time to do some research, discuss the topic with friends, or invite other people to contribute their ideas and experiences.

Consider the reaction your blog post might attract. Sharing can be powerful and liberating, but it can be scary too. It’s not only negative reactions you need to consider. A highly successful or popular post might generate a flood of comments, messages, or other approaches from your readers. Positive feedback is very welcome, but you might find the clamour overwhelming if you’re still navigating things yourself.

Maybe it’s not your situation you’ve written about, but that of a friend or loved one. Assuming they gave permission at the time, it’s respectful to confirm that’s still the case once they’re on the other side. This has happened to me. After double-checking with the person concerned, it became clear we had a difference in perspective concerning what had happened. I decided not to publish rather than rewrite my account to meet their requirements.

Waiting might not always be realistic, especially if the condition you’re writing about is long-term, or likely to reoccur at any time. I still recommend allowing a little time to elapse before making the post public. This allows you the opportunity to review what you’ve written, how you’ve presented it, and whether it still feels appropriate to publish.

Over to You

In this post I’ve discussed my approach to blogging about mental and physical health. I’ve described techniques for capturing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences while you’re in the middle of whatever you’ve chosen to write about, as well as reasons for waiting until you’re out of that situation before publishing.

To what extent do you agree or disagree? Have you shared your physical or mental health online and regretted doing so? Do you wish you’d waited until you were feeling better before going public? Is there a case for sharing in real time, rather than waiting until later? Fran and I would love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Timothy L Brock at Unsplash.

 

I Believe You. It wasn't Your Fault. You Are not Alone. Being There for a Friend Who's Survived Rape or Sexual Abuse

TW: Mention of rape and sexual abuse

To encourage someone is to help instil courage in them so that they can stand up and keep pressing forward.

— Kevin Ngo

I’m grateful to Aimee Wilson, founder of the Shake My Hand campaign, for inviting me to write this post. My first thought was, I don’t know what I could say that would be of value to anyone. A moment’s reflection, however, reminded me that several of my friends are survivors of rape and sexual abuse. How do I know this? Because at some point they told me about it. More significantly, they allowed me into their lives, as they live through the consequences and impact of what happened. On that basis and from that perspective, here are my thoughts, ideas, and suggestions for supporting a friend or loved one who has survived similar experiences.

A note on language and statistics

In this article I use the word survivor rather than victim, following the approach of such organisations as Darlington and County Durham’s Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling Centre and Women Against Abuse. I also avoid gendered pronouns where possible, because rape and sexual abuse affect people irrespective of gender.

Each survivor is an individual who deserves respect and support, regardless of how many other people have been affected in similar ways. That said, here are some numbers to set things in context. According to the UK’s Office for National Statistics, an estimated 1.1 million adults in England and Wales (age sixteen and over) experienced sexual assault in the year ending March 2022 (798,000 women and 275,000 men). The Cambridge Rape Crisis Centre highlights the following harrowing statistics.

• 1 in 4 women have been subjected to some form of sexual violence since the age of sixteen.
• 1 in 6 children have been sexually abused.
• 1 in 18 men have been subjected to some kind of sexual violence since the age of sixteen.
• 798,000 women across England and Wales are raped or sexually assaulted every year. That’s 1 in 30 women.
• 94% of survivors of rape or attempted rape are women.

With all that said, what can I offer to help you support your friend or loved one?

Don’t assume you’ll never need to know

You might think no one in your family or circle of friends has ever been raped or sexually abused. You may be right. I hope you are. But given the statistics, consider the possibility that you simply may not know the truth. That’s okay. You don’t have a right to know what anyone else has been through, no matter how close the connection between you. But being aware how tragically common an experience it is, is the first step to understanding how to help. And then, if someone shares with you, you’ll know where they’re coming from and what’s at stake.

Sharing represents extreme trust and vulnerability

Whatever your friend or loved one shares with you, recognise it for what it is, a demonstration of trust on their behalf. You might be the first person they’ve ever told, or the twentieth. This might be the first time they’ve spoken to you about it, or the hundredth. What matters is the moment. Treat it, and them, with attention, caring, and respect. Suspend any urge you might have to fix things (you can’t), make them feel better (ditto), or tell them you understand. Unless it’s happened to you, you don’t. Even if it’s happened to you, you don’t.

It’s their story not yours

In Men: When Women Talk About Their Trauma, Your Job Is Just To Listen Nia Tipton makes the point that when someone shares from a place of extreme vulnerability, your response needs to be one of attentive listening, not comparison or competition.

When women talk about the mistreatment and trauma they’ve lived through at the hands of men — men should be quiet and just listen.

As a man whose women friends have almost all survived trauma of varying kinds, this hits home. More generally, and no matter who is talking, it’s vital to realise that this is their story. Your friend, loved one, or family member has lived through things that in one way or another have impacted them deeply. It’s their story, in their words. There may be gaps and bits might be unclear to you but it’s a true story. Above all else, believe them. And say the words, so there’s no doubt. I believe you.

You don’t have a right to know the details

It’s natural to have questions, either in the moment or at some later point. In my experience, don’t be afraid to ask, but do so gently and respectfully. Make it clear your friend or loved one isn’t obliged to satisfy your curiosity. It’s not their responsibility to convince you, justify themselves, or fill the gaps in your understanding. It wasn’t your fault doesn’t depend on you knowing all the facts.

Long ago was yesterday

No matter when the abuse or rape occurred, begin by assuming it’s as raw for them today as it ever was. That may or may not be true, but don’t imagine it’s not present for them every day, just because it happened some time ago. You might feel you’d have put it behind you by now and moved on. Maybe you would. Maybe you did. But you don’t get to decide how far along the road to recovery someone is, or should be. Make a point of letting them know you’re not going anywhere, and that your support isn’t dependant on how well they’re handling things.

Don’t second guess the impact

Your friend or loved one may be affected in ways you wouldn’t necessarily expect, especially if you’ve no first-hand experience of what they’ve been through. Rape and abuse can impact people’s emotions, behaviour, and physical well-being. The following is by no means an exhaustive list.

• Physical health
• Panic attacks
• Sleeping
• Mental health, including depression and anxiety
• Suicidal thinking
• Self-harm
• Relationships, including theirs with you

For more details, check out the information for friends of survivors at Cambridge Rape Crisis. The effects may be long-term, intermittent, or appear out of the blue. They might be influenced or triggered by things you — or even your friend — can’t anticipate or avoid. By the same token, don’t make assumptions about how it “must” affect them. Everyone is different and no two people are likely to be impacted the same way.

Be patient and supportive, whether your friend is doing well right now or having a tough time of things. Celebrate milestones and healing steps, if that’s something that’s meaningful to them. If setbacks occur — a return to unhealthy coping strategies, for example — remind yourself they feel far more disappointed and frustrated about it than you do. I’m here. You’re not alone. I believe in you. These are powerful words. Say them.

Behave such that your friends would consider you safe

We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t. Like or shared some “edgy” social media post that doesn’t reflect our true opinions or values. Nodded along with or failed to challenge an off-colour joke, story, or opinion. The fact we’ve all done it at some point doesn’t excuse us or remove the obligation to do better.

If there’s a part of you thinking “people are way too sensitive these days” or wondering why you should change how you behave just so other people won’t get upset, consider that your behaviour is contributing to the toxic culture of oppression, distress, and fear. Yes, really. To paraphrase a meme that stuck with me when I first saw it, the celebrity whose trauma you mock on social media will never see it. But your friends and family will, and they’ll know you’re not a safe person to talk to about their experiences.

The recent man or bear in the woods meme is the perfect example. If you can’t grasp that it expresses women’s very real uncertainty and fear in the presence of men — in many cases born of personal experience including sexual abuse and rape — then you’re part of the problem. If your response to “We know it’s not all men, but we don’t know who the safe ones are” is to push back because you’re one of the safe ones, you’re not.

Amongst the many responses on Quora to the question What does it mean when a woman says that, “I don’t feel safe with you”? this one resonates for me.

It probably means she doesn’t feel safe with you. She’s not obligated to tell you why she doesn’t feel safe. She may not know. You can work toward being the kind of man who is safe for a woman to be around.

I might have phrase that final sentence slightly differently — you can work towards being the kind of man who a woman will feel safe to be around — but the message is sound. I have women friends who trust me, but I’m not complacent. There are women in my past who definitely didn’t at times, and there may be some now who don’t. I still have work to do. We all do.

It doesn’t go away but it’s not who they are

The impact of rape and sexual abuse on your friend or loved one may never go away, but it’s not who they are. They’re not broken, or less than. They’ve had to deal with things you may never fully understand, but they’re the same person they were before it happened — or before you knew it happened. Like you and everyone else, they have ups and downs, highs and lows, stresses, fears, dreams, disappointments, strengths, weaknesses, successes, tears, joys, and needs. Demonstrate that you’re there for the long term, for the good as well as the not so good, and they’ll be there for you.

You’re important too

The impact of rape and sexual abuse falls firstly and primarily on the survivor. Whatever your thoughts and feelings about it, they’re secondary to those of your friend or loved one. If that seems harsh, consider for a moment that you could, if you chose, walk away. They can’t. That said, it’s not easy to see those we care about working through what happened to them. Your thoughts and feelings matter too. These might include sadness, anger, resentment, frustration, and helplessness. You can’t unknow what you know. You might be concerned it will change your relationship or fear what it means for the two of you. All these feelings are valid, as are any needs you might have for help and support. It’s not unreasonable to be honest with your friend or loved one about how you’re handling what they’ve shared with you, but be careful not to shift the responsibility for supporting you back onto them. Check out the links below for information and resources.

In closing

A lot of what I’ve said might seem heavy. Daunting, even. That’s inevitable, given the seriousness of the matter. You can make a very real difference to those who have been through rape and sexual abuse. You do this by caring, by saying you’ll be there and proving it, by believing not only in the truth of what they chose to share with you, but I’m them too. It’s not always easy, but it’s also not always hard. And it’s always, always, worth it. The friendships I mentioned have been and are amongst the strongest and most significant of my life. These are people I’ve trusted — and trust — with my life, secrets, and heart every bit as much as they’ve trusted me with theirs. It can be that way for you too. Your friends and loved ones deserve it, and so do you. While I was writing this piece I came across a social media post.

In these times you got to have good friends. Not those “just fun to be around” friends. You need those “imma hold you accountable” friends. Those “Let’s talk about it” friends. Those “I’m proud of you” friends. Friends who feel safe.

That’s the kind of connection I have with many of my friends, and it works both ways.

Further information and resources

Shake My Hand Help Directory

The Language We Use (Women Against Abuse)

Victim? Survivor? The importance of the language we use to talk about people who have experienced sexual violence (Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling Centre)

Men: When Women Talk About Their Trauma, Your Job Is Just To Listen

Tips for Talking with Survivors of Sexual Assault (RAINN, Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)

Information and resources for friends of a survivor (Cambridge Rape Crisis)

The Survivors Trust

 

This post was previously published at Shake My Hand.

Photo by Meghan Schiereck at Unsplash.

 

Why Bucket Lists Don't Work for Me (But a Things I've Done List Does)

Vedi Napoli e poi muori.
— Goethe

It’s not uncommon to encounter bucket lists online. Sometimes it’s a friend adding an item to their list or ticking one off. Other times it’s a meme suggesting things to do or see before we kick the bucket. (To kick the bucket is a colloquial English phrase meaning to die.) The idea was made popular by the 2007 film The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Despite its ubiquity, the idea of writing a list of things to accomplish before I die has never appealed to me. I thought it might be interesting to explore why I feel this way. In doing so I’ll draw on contributions submitted in response to an invitation I posted on social media. I’m grateful to everyone who replied, as well as those who’ve discussed the topic with me in person. You’ve given me plenty to think — and write — about.

That Yellowstone Feeling

This short video shows a man in his forties standing at the side of the road in front of a sign welcoming visitors to Yellowstone National Park. I say standing, but he’s dancing around, scarcely able to contain his excitement. It was wonderful to see his delight at achieving what was clearly a long-time ambition. At the same time, it left me feeling a little sad. I’ve never felt that way about anything in my life. I’ve never wanted anything that much in my life.

I’ve always struggled with the concept of wanting things. I’ve never known how to frame goals, targets, or ambitions, preferring to allow life’s path to unfold before me. That’s been true in my personal life and relationships, as well as my career and creative endeavours. I’m not sure why this is. It might come from not believing in myself enough, or feeling unworthy of achieving good things. Maybe I protect myself from the consequences of failure by not going after things in the first place. There could be some truth to that, although it doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe it’s less the fear of failure and more a fear of success. I’m reminded of the following passage by Marianne Williamson.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

Whether we achieve them or not, committing to goals implies change. It’s a statement of intent that declares “I want to be somewhere and someone different.” In 2012, Laura Riordan founded a company called Bucket List Assistant to help people with their bucket list aspirations. On her company’s social media, Laura reposted a piece by author Liz Gilbert inspired by the following quotation: “If you don’t know where you wanna be in 5 years ... you’re already there.” I couldn’t trace the original author of those words. I’ve seen a variant attributed to Jay Samit (“If you don’t know where you want to be in five years, how do you ever expect to get there?”). Regardless of the source, it has a compelling logic. If we want to be somewhere different, it’s probably a good idea to figure out where we’d rather be and why. That’s where I struggle most.

About five years ago I took a three-day management and personal development course at work. In one exercise we were invited to write a short vision statement: an aspirational what-if-anything-were-possible snapshot of our life at some point in the future. I shared my vision statement and my failure to achieve it a few years later. I say failure, and it felt that way at the time, but looking back I’m not sure I’d characterise it that way. The vision I outlined in that twenty minute exercise captured some imaginary future, but it wasn’t mine. That doesn’t invalidate the exercise. It helped me clarify some aspects of what and who I am.

Wants and Wishes

My friend Jen has a bucket list. She’s completed several items on it, but pointed out to me that having a list can lead to frustration and disappointment. “If they aren’t all achieved, how do we feel about ourselves? Bucket lists might be overrated, really. Maybe a wish list is a bit better.” This makes sense to me. There’s surely something unhealthy about tying one’s happiness and self-worth to a more or less arbitrary list of unrealised achievements. A wish list is aspirational without any imperative to complete every item on it.

New year’s resolutions are a kind of annual bucket list: things to achieve before the year is over, rather than our life. It’ll come as no surprise to learn that I don’t do new year resolutions either. As an alternative, I’ve experimented with wish lists. If you’re interested, check out how I did with the Six Things I’d Quite Like to Do in 2017, Seven Things I’d Quite Like to Do in 2018, and Six Things I’d Quite Like to Do in 2019. Not everything was achieved but they were commitment free and fun to play around with.

Achievable and Realistic

Throughout my life I’ve accepted what came my way, rather than wanting, wishing for, or going after specific things. That sounds like laziness but it’s more fundamental than that. It’s not so much that I lack the energy or commitment to go after my dreams. I find it impossible to conceive of dreams to pursue. Paul wrote in to tell me he doesn’t have a bucket list. As though in explanation, he added “I’m a pretty boring guy!” He’s one of the least boring people I know, but his joking comment gave me pause. Does my inability to come up with goals or ambitions reflect a lack of imagination? My vision statement experience taught me that I can imagine goals. Where I struggle is imagining realistic goals.

This is something of a self-fulfilling prophesy, of course. If you believe a goal is unachievable you’re unlikely to achieve it. That said, realism is important. The idea that you can achieve anything if you only believe in yourself and work hard enough is at best untrue. At worst, it’s unhealthy, unkind, and toxic. Two contributors touched on this in different ways. Andrea described the pressure of having a list of things to achieve when life is busy enough. She also noted the competitiveness and unfairness that can arise because people aren’t equally free to fulfill their goals.

I feel like a bucket list places undue pressure on me — life is so precarious for me at times, I don’t know if that’s why I feel that way but how do we live in the here and now, keep my head where my feet are, the bucket list sets up another competition of sorts: who gets to do the most “stuff” on their bucket list when so many others don’t get to check their boxes for one reason or another. Maybe I’m an underachiever, some might say so. I have said that at times.

It’s true that many of the conventional bucket list items assume good health, time, sufficient funds, and the freedom to set other commitments aside in their pursuit. Not everyone is in such a privileged position. Even if we are, what was realistic or feasible at one point in our lives may move out of reach as our circumstances change. Cal describes this exact situation. Some goals may need to be set aside but that’s no reason to abandon aspiration altogether.

I had to drastically update my bucket list when I was told my cancer is now not curable. I took all the ridiculous things off it and went for actually achievable things. It’s difficult to plan ahead when you’re living from scan results to scan results. So my bucket list is now full of easier to organise things, but which are just as exciting.

It’s easy to think of a bucket list as a collection of “things I’d like to do when I get chance” but approaching the end of life brings everything into sharp focus. What, truly, do we want to do and experience with such time as remains? It’s not necessarily about traveling the world or doing extraordinary things that look good on social media.

While writing this piece in my favourite coffee shop, I got talking with Luke. We discussed how big a deal it is to write things down in a bucket list — “It’s like the first time you write your will” — and how hard it can be to accept you’re not going to achieve everything you’ve committed to. Cal’s attitude is the antidote to that kind of disappointment. It’s okay to update your list if things aren’t working out the way you thought they would. Focus on what brings you joy, fun, and excitement. Luke reminded me there’s no requirement to limit ourselves to conventionally bucket listable experiences. He showed me a photo of his father sitting in a fountain. I don’t know if that had been on his dad’s bucket list but it was clearly a memorable experience.

Travel and Exploration

A 2013 Forbes article reported the results of a survey of more than 2,000 British travellers. The three most popular bucket list destinations were the Northern Lights, an American road trip, and an African safari. The next three were the Great Barrier Reef, cruising Norway’s fjords, and Niagara Falls. Most of the people who responded to my social media invitation and had bucket lists featured travel amongst their goals.

Trip to Ireland with my husband was on my bucket list and we did it! I’ve always wanted to go to Russia to see the Amber Room, but of course now that’s right out.
— Janet

Visit Ireland, visit gardens in Europe, live sustainably on a small farm, travel at leisure across the US in a camper/RV and see the beauty, have a band (musical) to play music with who has kindness, empathy … like-minded and works easily together.
— April

I have friends who have walked the Camino Frances pilgrimage route in France and Spain. The fact that my name is in Camino Frances makes me interested to walk it myself when I am ready. I shoot for the stars and whatever I do towards reaching my goal makes me better. For example, I am extending my walks, working towards five hours a day which is the average pace on the Camino.
— Fran

A biggie on my list is to pay a visit to Assisi, Italy before I’m sixty. It would be great to marry a Welshman or a Scot. I’ve swam with dolphins so that’s one thing off my bucket list done. I’ve gone whale watching three times. That’s done. Been to Mexico.
— Jen

To visit all seven continents.
— Lynne

I just found an idea last night, walking along the salt path in the Dead Sea looks amazing!!!!
— Louise

None of this should come as a surprise. Travel is almost universally seen as positive, aspirational, and beneficial if not essential to living well. A quick search found the following quotations extolling the virtues of not staying where you are.

Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been.
— Dalai Lama

Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.
— Jack Kerouac

To travel is to live.
— Hans Christian Anderson

The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.
— Sir Richard Burton

Vedi Napoli e poi muori.
— Goethe

Goether’s aphorism translates as “see Naples and then die.” The implication being that there’s nowhere more wonderful and intense than Naples, so once you’ve been there you might was well die because you’ll never find anything better. I do feel Goethe was taking the bucket list idea a little too seriously!

But what if you’ve no desire to see the world? I’ve never been outside the British Isles and have no interest in doing so. I might feel different at the end of my life, but I doubt I’ll regret ignoring Kerouac’s imperative to “climb that goddamn mountain.” I enjoy documentaries on mountaineering and once sat inside a tent that had been previously erected at Everest Base Camp, but that’s as close as I intend to get to the real thing. I satisfy any urge I might have for travel and excitement by living vicariously. I’ve been Fran’s virtual travel buddy many times, including trips to Mexico, Florida, Spain, and a three month road trip around Europe. More recently, I accompanied my friend Andrea virtually on an African safari. You might argue that this isn‘t the same as actually being there. That may be so, but it doesn’t make my experience any less valid or valuable.

End of Life Regrets

The Forbes article I mentioned earlier claimed of the respondents that “their biggest regret at the end of their lives will be not having explored enough of the world.” That’s an unsurprising assertion given that the survey was commissioned by a travel company, but I’m unconvinced. In Regrets of the Dying Bronnie Ware shares the five most common end of life regrets expressed by palliative care patients. Not one of them mentions travel, let alone visiting Naples.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Would it not be better to focus our bucket lists on addressing these concerns, rather than visiting places and doing things? Probably, but I’m not sure I need to. I can’t say how I’ll feel at the end of my life, but I’m sixty-three and have no regrets of the kind Ware describes.

I don’t believe there’s any ultimate purpose or meaning to life. I’ve explored this several times, most explicitly in One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy in relation to about the absurdist philosophy of Albert Camus, and Why Are You Here? which was inspired by John Strelecky’s international bestseller The Cafe on the Edge of the World. I’ll not regret failing to fulfil my PFE (purpose for existing, a term from Strelecky’s book) because to me there’s no such thing.

Despite living with alexithymia (a difficulty expressing my emotions in words) I’m honest and open with my friends and confident discussing my inner world publically.

I used to hold on to friendships beyond their natural lifespan, but I’ve learned how unhealthy that can be. Letting go makes room for new connections and serves as preparation for the final letting go of all.

Things I’ve Done List

In the course of writing this post I’ve learned I’m not alone in not having or needing a bucket list. This was a welcome surprise as I’d felt there must be something wrong or lacking in me. Everyone else seemed so focused on achieving bigger and brighter things as they moved through life. An alternative that resonates with me was described by my friend Meghan.

I used to have a bucket list but now I kind of do ... the opposite? Whenever I do something that I might like to remember, or have a life experience that I think is noteworthy (good or bad) I add it to my “List of things I’ve done.” Like, got married, got divorced, lived overseas, ate a deep fried twinky, got a science degree etc. Things that I can look back on and be like I’m incredible, look at all the random stuff I’ve done / made it through.

I love this idea (thanks Meghan!) and am thinking seriously about drawing up a list along these lines. It’s easy to lose track of our succcesses, achievements, and accomplishments. A Things I’ve Done list makes much more sense to me than a collection of things I might do in the future. I may incorporate it into a lifetime timeline, which is something I’ve attempted several times in the past.

Over to You

I’ve shared a lot here about bucket lists, why having one makes little sense to me, and why many people find them useful, valuable, and fun. What are your thoughts about bucket lists? Do you have one? Has it changed over the years? How does it feel when you achieve one of your goals? I’d love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out at Unsplash.

 

Our Top Posts of the Month (July 2024)

Check out our top posts for the past month. Posts are listed by the number of page views they attracted during the month, most popular first.

1. The Box on the Shelf: A Strategy for Handling Difficult Issues and Situations
2. Shhhhhhh! A Friend’s Guide to Secrets
3. It’s Not Enough / Never Enough
4. Six Feet Above: A Conversation With Ellis Ducharme
5. Navigating Mental Health Miles Apart: An Interview with the Co-Founder of Gum on My Shoe
6. I’m Weak and What’s Wrong With That?
7. How to Use a Spreadsheet for Wellness and Self-Care
8. It’s Time to Talk. But What If You Don’t Want To?
9. I Hope We All Make It
10. Lost and Found: Glastonbury 1983 and Other Memories

Our most visited pages were:

1. Contact Us
2. Resources
3. Our books
4. About Us
5. News and Appearances
6. Testimonials