Vedi Napoli e poi muori.
— Goethe
It’s not uncommon to encounter bucket lists online. Sometimes it’s a friend adding an item to their list or ticking one off. Other times it’s a meme suggesting things to do or see before we kick the bucket. (To kick the bucket is a colloquial English phrase meaning to die.) The idea was made popular by the 2007 film The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Despite its ubiquity, the idea of writing a list of things to accomplish before I die has never appealed to me. I thought it might be interesting to explore why I feel this way. In doing so I’ll draw on contributions submitted in response to an invitation I posted on social media. I’m grateful to everyone who replied, as well as those who’ve discussed the topic with me in person. You’ve given me plenty to think — and write — about.
That Yellowstone Feeling
This short video shows a man in his forties standing at the side of the road in front of a sign welcoming visitors to Yellowstone National Park. I say standing, but he’s dancing around, scarcely able to contain his excitement. It was wonderful to see his delight at achieving what was clearly a long-time ambition. At the same time, it left me feeling a little sad. I’ve never felt that way about anything in my life. I’ve never wanted anything that much in my life.
I’ve always struggled with the concept of wanting things. I’ve never known how to frame goals, targets, or ambitions, preferring to allow life’s path to unfold before me. That’s been true in my personal life and relationships, as well as my career and creative endeavours. I’m not sure why this is. It might come from not believing in myself enough, or feeling unworthy of achieving good things. Maybe I protect myself from the consequences of failure by not going after things in the first place. There could be some truth to that, although it doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe it’s less the fear of failure and more a fear of success. I’m reminded of the following passage by Marianne Williamson.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Whether we achieve them or not, committing to goals implies change. It’s a statement of intent that declares “I want to be somewhere and someone different.” In 2012, Laura Riordan founded a company called Bucket List Assistant to help people with their bucket list aspirations. On her company’s social media, Laura reposted a piece by author Liz Gilbert inspired by the following quotation: “If you don’t know where you wanna be in 5 years ... you’re already there.” I couldn’t trace the original author of those words. I’ve seen a variant attributed to Jay Samit (“If you don’t know where you want to be in five years, how do you ever expect to get there?”). Regardless of the source, it has a compelling logic. If we want to be somewhere different, it’s probably a good idea to figure out where we’d rather be and why. That’s where I struggle most.
About five years ago I took a three-day management and personal development course at work. In one exercise we were invited to write a short vision statement: an aspirational what-if-anything-were-possible snapshot of our life at some point in the future. I shared my vision statement and my failure to achieve it a few years later. I say failure, and it felt that way at the time, but looking back I’m not sure I’d characterise it that way. The vision I outlined in that twenty minute exercise captured some imaginary future, but it wasn’t mine. That doesn’t invalidate the exercise. It helped me clarify some aspects of what and who I am.
Wants and Wishes
My friend Jen has a bucket list. She’s completed several items on it, but pointed out to me that having a list can lead to frustration and disappointment. “If they aren’t all achieved, how do we feel about ourselves? Bucket lists might be overrated, really. Maybe a wish list is a bit better.” This makes sense to me. There’s surely something unhealthy about tying one’s happiness and self-worth to a more or less arbitrary list of unrealised achievements. A wish list is aspirational without any imperative to complete every item on it.
New year’s resolutions are a kind of annual bucket list: things to achieve before the year is over, rather than our life. It’ll come as no surprise to learn that I don’t do new year resolutions either. As an alternative, I’ve experimented with wish lists. If you’re interested, check out how I did with the Six Things I’d Quite Like to Do in 2017, Seven Things I’d Quite Like to Do in 2018, and Six Things I’d Quite Like to Do in 2019. Not everything was achieved but they were commitment free and fun to play around with.
Achievable and Realistic
Throughout my life I’ve accepted what came my way, rather than wanting, wishing for, or going after specific things. That sounds like laziness but it’s more fundamental than that. It’s not so much that I lack the energy or commitment to go after my dreams. I find it impossible to conceive of dreams to pursue. Paul wrote in to tell me he doesn’t have a bucket list. As though in explanation, he added “I’m a pretty boring guy!” He’s one of the least boring people I know, but his joking comment gave me pause. Does my inability to come up with goals or ambitions reflect a lack of imagination? My vision statement experience taught me that I can imagine goals. Where I struggle is imagining realistic goals.
This is something of a self-fulfilling prophesy, of course. If you believe a goal is unachievable you’re unlikely to achieve it. That said, realism is important. The idea that you can achieve anything if you only believe in yourself and work hard enough is at best untrue. At worst, it’s unhealthy, unkind, and toxic. Two contributors touched on this in different ways. Andrea described the pressure of having a list of things to achieve when life is busy enough. She also noted the competitiveness and unfairness that can arise because people aren’t equally free to fulfill their goals.
I feel like a bucket list places undue pressure on me — life is so precarious for me at times, I don’t know if that’s why I feel that way but how do we live in the here and now, keep my head where my feet are, the bucket list sets up another competition of sorts: who gets to do the most “stuff” on their bucket list when so many others don’t get to check their boxes for one reason or another. Maybe I’m an underachiever, some might say so. I have said that at times.
It’s true that many of the conventional bucket list items assume good health, time, sufficient funds, and the freedom to set other commitments aside in their pursuit. Not everyone is in such a privileged position. Even if we are, what was realistic or feasible at one point in our lives may move out of reach as our circumstances change. Cal describes this exact situation. Some goals may need to be set aside but that’s no reason to abandon aspiration altogether.
I had to drastically update my bucket list when I was told my cancer is now not curable. I took all the ridiculous things off it and went for actually achievable things. It’s difficult to plan ahead when you’re living from scan results to scan results. So my bucket list is now full of easier to organise things, but which are just as exciting.
It’s easy to think of a bucket list as a collection of “things I’d like to do when I get chance” but approaching the end of life brings everything into sharp focus. What, truly, do we want to do and experience with such time as remains? It’s not necessarily about traveling the world or doing extraordinary things that look good on social media.
While writing this piece in my favourite coffee shop, I got talking with Luke. We discussed how big a deal it is to write things down in a bucket list — “It’s like the first time you write your will” — and how hard it can be to accept you’re not going to achieve everything you’ve committed to. Cal’s attitude is the antidote to that kind of disappointment. It’s okay to update your list if things aren’t working out the way you thought they would. Focus on what brings you joy, fun, and excitement. Luke reminded me there’s no requirement to limit ourselves to conventionally bucket listable experiences. He showed me a photo of his father sitting in a fountain. I don’t know if that had been on his dad’s bucket list but it was clearly a memorable experience.
Travel and Exploration
A 2013 Forbes article reported the results of a survey of more than 2,000 British travellers. The three most popular bucket list destinations were the Northern Lights, an American road trip, and an African safari. The next three were the Great Barrier Reef, cruising Norway’s fjords, and Niagara Falls. Most of the people who responded to my social media invitation and had bucket lists featured travel amongst their goals.
Trip to Ireland with my husband was on my bucket list and we did it! I’ve always wanted to go to Russia to see the Amber Room, but of course now that’s right out.
— JanetVisit Ireland, visit gardens in Europe, live sustainably on a small farm, travel at leisure across the US in a camper/RV and see the beauty, have a band (musical) to play music with who has kindness, empathy … like-minded and works easily together.
— AprilI have friends who have walked the Camino Frances pilgrimage route in France and Spain. The fact that my name is in Camino Frances makes me interested to walk it myself when I am ready. I shoot for the stars and whatever I do towards reaching my goal makes me better. For example, I am extending my walks, working towards five hours a day which is the average pace on the Camino.
— FranA biggie on my list is to pay a visit to Assisi, Italy before I’m sixty. It would be great to marry a Welshman or a Scot. I’ve swam with dolphins so that’s one thing off my bucket list done. I’ve gone whale watching three times. That’s done. Been to Mexico.
— JenTo visit all seven continents.
— LynneI just found an idea last night, walking along the salt path in the Dead Sea looks amazing!!!!
— Louise
None of this should come as a surprise. Travel is almost universally seen as positive, aspirational, and beneficial if not essential to living well. A quick search found the following quotations extolling the virtues of not staying where you are.
Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been.
— Dalai LamaBecause in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.
— Jack KerouacTo travel is to live.
— Hans Christian AndersonThe gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.
— Sir Richard BurtonVedi Napoli e poi muori.
— Goethe
Goether’s aphorism translates as “see Naples and then die.” The implication being that there’s nowhere more wonderful and intense than Naples, so once you’ve been there you might was well die because you’ll never find anything better. I do feel Goethe was taking the bucket list idea a little too seriously!
But what if you’ve no desire to see the world? I’ve never been outside the British Isles and have no interest in doing so. I might feel different at the end of my life, but I doubt I’ll regret ignoring Kerouac’s imperative to “climb that goddamn mountain.” I enjoy documentaries on mountaineering and once sat inside a tent that had been previously erected at Everest Base Camp, but that’s as close as I intend to get to the real thing. I satisfy any urge I might have for travel and excitement by living vicariously. I’ve been Fran’s virtual travel buddy many times, including trips to Mexico, Florida, Spain, and a three month road trip around Europe. More recently, I accompanied my friend Andrea virtually on an African safari. You might argue that this isn‘t the same as actually being there. That may be so, but it doesn’t make my experience any less valid or valuable.
End of Life Regrets
The Forbes article I mentioned earlier claimed of the respondents that “their biggest regret at the end of their lives will be not having explored enough of the world.” That’s an unsurprising assertion given that the survey was commissioned by a travel company, but I’m unconvinced. In Regrets of the Dying Bronnie Ware shares the five most common end of life regrets expressed by palliative care patients. Not one of them mentions travel, let alone visiting Naples.
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Would it not be better to focus our bucket lists on addressing these concerns, rather than visiting places and doing things? Probably, but I’m not sure I need to. I can’t say how I’ll feel at the end of my life, but I’m sixty-three and have no regrets of the kind Ware describes.
I don’t believe there’s any ultimate purpose or meaning to life. I’ve explored this several times, most explicitly in One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy in relation to about the absurdist philosophy of Albert Camus, and Why Are You Here? which was inspired by John Strelecky’s international bestseller The Cafe on the Edge of the World. I’ll not regret failing to fulfil my PFE (purpose for existing, a term from Strelecky’s book) because to me there’s no such thing.
Despite living with alexithymia (a difficulty expressing my emotions in words) I’m honest and open with my friends and confident discussing my inner world publically.
I used to hold on to friendships beyond their natural lifespan, but I’ve learned how unhealthy that can be. Letting go makes room for new connections and serves as preparation for the final letting go of all.
Things I’ve Done List
In the course of writing this post I’ve learned I’m not alone in not having or needing a bucket list. This was a welcome surprise as I’d felt there must be something wrong or lacking in me. Everyone else seemed so focused on achieving bigger and brighter things as they moved through life. An alternative that resonates with me was described by my friend Meghan.
I used to have a bucket list but now I kind of do ... the opposite? Whenever I do something that I might like to remember, or have a life experience that I think is noteworthy (good or bad) I add it to my “List of things I’ve done.” Like, got married, got divorced, lived overseas, ate a deep fried twinky, got a science degree etc. Things that I can look back on and be like I’m incredible, look at all the random stuff I’ve done / made it through.
I love this idea (thanks Meghan!) and am thinking seriously about drawing up a list along these lines. It’s easy to lose track of our succcesses, achievements, and accomplishments. A Things I’ve Done list makes much more sense to me than a collection of things I might do in the future. I may incorporate it into a lifetime timeline, which is something I’ve attempted several times in the past.
Over to You
I’ve shared a lot here about bucket lists, why having one makes little sense to me, and why many people find them useful, valuable, and fun. What are your thoughts about bucket lists? Do you have one? Has it changed over the years? How does it feel when you achieve one of your goals? I’d love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.
Photo by Sixteen Miles Out at Unsplash.
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