Gum on My Shoe

TW: Mention of suicide and self-harm

By Christine Roberts My first “visit” to a mental hospital was when I was seventeen and a half years old. I didn’t know then, but I was experiencing my first bipolar mania/manic episode. I had noticed something different about me when I was about thirteen, but couldn’t put my finger on it until much later on down the road. I was unaware for years and years of further “visits” to mental hospitals, numerous doctors, nurses, and medications. I finally got a diagnosis of something called Bipolar Disorder / Manic Phase when I was thirty-four or thirty-five. I was so glad that there was finally a name to what was going on in my whole life pretty much to that point. My latest diagnosis as of about sixty-four is Bipolar Disorder I with psychotic features. These include delusions, hallucinations, hypomania, and such during the mania/manic episodes. Now I had a name, but didn’t really know what that meant until my case manager at the time explained it to me with an illustration. I ...

Following on from my article Three Things I Wish People Knew about Loving Someone with Mental Illness I want to share a few things I’ve learned about mental health medication. First, a disclaimer. I have no first-hand experience of taking mental health medication. What I’ve learned comes from my nine-year friendship with Fran and from other close friends. My loved ones live with a variety of mental health conditions and symptoms including anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD), depression, visual and auditory hallucinations, suicidal thinking, and self-harm. Some live with more than one of these. Several also have physical health conditions to deal with, including chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), type 1 diabetes, fibromyalgia, hearing loss, visual impairment, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). Despite their different conditions and histories, my friends have many experiences and approaches in common when it comes to medication. I’ve cho...

Kanye West’s recent public struggles with bipolar disorder have brought considerable attention to a condition which affects millions around the world. One of our regular contributors Julie A. Fast wrote an article for Psychology Today called Is Kanye West Just a Grandiose, Attention-Seeking Rapper? in which she discussed the difference between bragging and grandiose mania/psychosis. She was subsequently interviewed for US television on the topic of Kanye West and bipolar disorder. It’s worth reading the article before watching the video (below) as Julie mentions it regularly in her interview. In the interview, Julie talks about herself, bipolar disorder and why it’s so hard for people like Kanye to get help, even with his wealth and resources. She also talks about the message that his wife Kim Kardashian posted on Instagram, from which the following is excerpted: “Living with bi-polar disorder does not diminish or invalidate his dreams and his creative ideas, no matter ...

By Julie A. Fast Do you have bipolar, schizoaffective disorder or a different mental health disorder that affects your friendships? I have bipolar and a psychotic disorder, now called schizoaffective disorder. As you can imagine, relationships were difficult when I was undiagnosed and didn’t know how to manage my own behavior! I’d like to share how I progressively righted my often out of control relationships and found more stability and happiness in my daily life. Paranoia and Friendships I lived with undiagnosed psychotic paranoia for many years and it greatly affected my ability to have stable interactions with friends and coworkers. My diagnosis helped me name what was going on in my brain and I finally knew that I wasn’t thinking and acting oddly out of obstinance. I was ill! Even though I now manage my psychosis with a plan that keeps most symptoms calm, I still had to teach myself to live with the symptoms that I can’t always control. I lost friends along the way, b...

I met up recently with fellow blogger Aimee Wilson and we got talking about poetry and mental health. She showed me the blackout poem she’d created at a writing class run by Northumberland Council . Watch it permission rather I would demanded tolerance was not to be tested increasingly restricted reality reliving   particularly happy distracting not dared to return approved of given up hope Poetry is a new avenue for Aimee but she writes prolifically for her blog I’m NOT Disordered . As she says, “I find writing so beneficial for my mental health.” We agreed there can be a close relationship between mental health and creativity. I shared with her how Fran had never written or been interested in poetry until she met me in May 2011. At the time, she was highly manic. Our early emails and online chat conversations were full of wordplay and had a free-flowing stream of consciousness quality that I found intoxicating. Sparked by that, and my own poetry whi...

By Andrew Turman Painting by the author. In this day and age, it perplexes me as to why Electroconvulsive Therapy, or electroshock, still seems to get a bad rap. Some people not only question its use, but also call for the ban of this controversial treatment. I, for one, can attest to the efficacy of its use for not only depression, but also mania. Just last week, I underwent shock treatment three times to control my mania, upon which the use of very dangerous psychotropic medications do not seem to have any effect. The treatment itself has seen little change since it was first developed: it involves brief electrical stimulation of the brain while the patient is under general anesthesia. This stimulation induces a grand mal seizure in the patient, which under close monitoring, is harmless. This seems to “reset” the brain, much like rebooting a computer. Extensive research has found ECT to be highly effective for the relief of major depression, as well as being an effective tre...

There’s a common perception that we cannot truly understand someone’s situation unless we’ve ‘walked a mile in their shoes.’ An equivalent experience may help us relate to one another but it carries its own responsibilities and cautions. The main danger lies in assuming that our experience is relevant to the person we’re trying to help. If I’d ever been clinically depressed myself, for example, I might imagine Fran experiences depression the way I did or that her needs are the same as mine were. Consciously or unconsciously, there’d be a tendency for me to focus on those parts of her story which fit my personal model of what it’s like to be depressed. I might push her towards approaches I’d found useful and steer her away from things that hadn’t been helpful to me personally. However, there can be specific advantages. Never having shared equivalent experiences allows me to ask Fran the ‘dumb questions’ others might not ask (believing they know the answers) such as how exactly doe...

By Amy Gamble In my wildest dreams, I never imagined I would have had psychotic episodes. I was the “All-American” small town girl from Sherrard, West Virginia, who made it all the way to the Olympic Games in Seoul, Korea. People like me don’t get a mental illness. Right? Wrong. As much as I liked the athletic genes I inherited, I despise the bipolar disorder gene that tossed my life into a shambles. A lot of people have been willing to talk about the manic and depressive episodes of bipolar disorder, but few have eagerly stepped up to talk about psychotic episodes. I believe it has a great deal to do with stigma. Psychosis equals “crazy” in the minds of “normal” people. Losing touch with reality makes for great horror movies, where the insane go on a killing rampage. The voices of those who have experienced psychotic episodes are much quieter in the world of mental health advocacy. No one wants to be thought of as a deranged psycho. But this hurts the many people who have expe...

As I write this, Fran is heading out to a gallery opening in Portland, and then to a classical guitar concert. Before she left, she said to me: i feel so good.. it’s really strange.. my mind is thinking thoughts that are good.. and it’s effortless.. After months, first of depression and then debilitating fatigue, it is still early days, but something does seem to have shifted—or rather, to be shifting. It is wonderful to see the light in her eyes again. To sense hope again. To witness the transition from darkness into light once more. We are both aware of the need for vigilance. Bipolar is like that. Any brightness, any momentary joy, each lifting of the curtain, is suspect, and may be the prelude to mania. But as I told Fran today: You are doing well, and it feels wholesome to me. We will be vigilant. But don’t be scared to have a nice time, to smile, to find ease and enjoyment. These things are your right. You are worthy of them; of goodness, of living life fully. ...

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave. Here are all 31 of my posts gathered in one place. You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it generated. Fran   Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 1 may is mental health awareness month.. more mind full more heart full less hurt full be.. ‪#‎endthestigma Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 2 Not sure how many of you have noticed, but I have not been posting much lately. When I am not strong I have few words and little faith. I withdraw because I feel no one cares about those more vulnerable. I work hard to stay strong but am ...

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave. The first ten posts are here . Days eleven through twenty are here . You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it got there. Fran   Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 21 Invisible illness doesn’t just mean you have an illness that can’t be seen, it means friends disappear and then you do.. ‪#‎endthestigma‬ Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 22 Sitting on my favorite bench on the back shore letting the ocean get inside me.. Taking responsibility. Taking strength. Early on I stopped blaming everyone and everything for my i...

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave. The first ten of my posts are here . This page has days eleven through twenty. Days twenty-one through thirty-one are here . You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it got there. Fran   Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 11 I get upset when people feel they are entitled to argue with my reality or tell me what to do or speak down to me because I live with illness. I have my own wisdom, my own intelligence, my own value system. When I first became ill I sought any advice from anyone in any fashion in quite a desperate way I’m...