Reasons to Celebrate? A Brit's Thoughts on Thanksgiving

When you go home, do you look around and wonder, “Who are these people, where did I even come from?” I mean, you look at them all, sitting there, you know... they look familiar, but who the hell are they?

— Claudia, Home for the Holidays

A few weeks ago I mentioned to Fran that I needed to find something to write about. Without hesitation, she suggested I write about what Thanksgiving means to me. I said I couldn’t really do that as I’m not an American, but I could imagine I’d feel somewhat the way I do celebrating Christmas as an atheist. That is, conflicted. Fran paused, smiling. I realised what she’d done. She’d led me into discovering an angle to explore. I reminded her she’d done the same twelve years ago when she suggested I write a book about being friends with someone with mental illness. Both ideas were too good for me to dismiss! Hopefully, I joked, the blog post wouldn’t take as long to write as our book had.

Christmas is a religious celebration of Christ’s birth, yet you’ll find no mention of god, church, or Jesus in my account of What Christmas Means to Me. I enjoy traditional carols and songs such as Here We Come a Wassailing by English folk singer-songwriter Kate Rusby. Steeleye Span’s Gaudete is another favourite, but the Pogues’ Fairytale of New York and Let it Go From the Disney movie Frozen evoke Christmas better for me nowadays. Food is also important, whether it’s dining out with friends or the family meal on Christmas Day. In short, I celebrate Christmas in ways I find meaningful, ignoring its underlying religious message. It’s hypocritical, I know, but I’m far from alone in that.

I can’t speak with any authority on the origins and meaning of Thanksgiving as celebrated in the United States. From Fran and other American friends, I know it’s one of the most important social celebrations of the year, second only — if that — to Christmas. It’s a time people gather with friends and family for company, thankfulness, and good food. It’s not a time people look to be alone. My friend Jen recommended I watch the 1995 movie Home for the Holidays, saying “it’s hilarious but also realistic.” I haven’t managed to watch it in full, but from the trailer I think I’d enjoy it.

The movie’s message seems to be that family gatherings are always going to be difficult but blood is thicker than water and we shouldn’t let differences divide us. As Henry Arson put it, “Opinions are like assholes, honey. Everybody’s got one and everybody thinks everybody else’s stinks.” That’s true up to a point. Some differences of opinion are to be tolerated in those we love. Pineapple on pizza, yes or no? is the classic example. Sometimes, though, differences are far more fundamental, and harder if not impossible to accept. That’s arguably more true this year than any other in recent history.

Despite the original settlers’ Protestant religion, modern Thanksgiving in the US is a secular holiday. As an atheist I’d have no qualms taking part, but there are other reasons to feel uneasy. The popular idea that the first Thanksgiving was a peaceful celebration by the pilgrim newcomers and the Native Americans has been challenged on historical as well as moral grounds. The pilgrims brought diseases previously unknown to the native people, who at times were kidnapped and enslaved, and ultimately displaced from their lands. The following is excerpted from a BBC article Thanksgiving: Why some push back against the holiday’s “mythology”.

The origin of the Thanksgiving holiday dates back to a harvest feast held in 1621 between the Wampanoag, a Native tribe who occupied the land long before, and the newly settled English colonists in America. The gathering is widely seen as a celebration of the alliance between the two groups, but leaves out the ways in which those ties were broken.

It’s unsurprising that some Native Americans and those cognisant of their history don’t celebrate Thanksgiving but observe it as a day of mourning.

The myth of the family coming together in peace and unity is exemplified by Norman Rockwell’s painting Freedom from Want (also known as The Thanksgiving Picture or I’ll Be Home for Christmas). Superficially wholesome and reassuring, such myths can place enormous demands on family members, whether they’re responsible for organising the gathering or expected to attend. We’ve shared guest posts on this topic in the past, including Let It Go: Reducing Holiday Triggers for Your Child, Season’s Greetings, and How I Unplugged the Christmas Machine and Created Stable Holidays.

The myths can ring very hollow for people finding themselves alone, or whose family situation is less than idyllic. This is viscerally expressed in the song December Hurts written by RØRY, Dan Lancaster, Sean McDonagh, and Dom Liu.

Hark the herald angels sing
To the ones who can’t go home tonight and got nobody to ring
Hark the herald angels sing
To the kids who hear their parents fight and miss out of everything
Oh, the Christmas song you never heard
Deck the halls with sadness
Cos for me December hurts

I mentioned that Thanksgiving was arguably more problematic this year. I’m observing things as a non-American from the other side of the Atlantic, but I see a great deal of anger, disappointment, and uncertainty about Thanksgiving being voiced on social media in the aftermath of the US presidential election. One person commented that this is either going to be the most uncomfortable Thanksgiving for many American families, or the most cancelled Thanksgiving. Another declared that this is the first year ever they won’t be attending Thanksgiving dinner with their family. How representative these comments are is impossible to guage, but the emotions expressed are intense, raw, and appear genuine.

To state the obvious, these comments are by people on the political left, who are variously shocked, appalled, and scared by the election result and what it will mean for them, their friends and loved ones, and the nation they love. Those on the political right likely feel they have everything to celebrate, of course. Whatever your politics, it’s clear to me that American society is more polarised and entrenched right now than at any time in living memory. Falling so soon after the election, Thanksgiving is the first and most obvious demonstration of this division, but Christmas isn’t far behind. To quote Adele in Home for the Holidays, “I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year. Except we do, because those bastards went and put Christmas right in the middle, just to punish us.” These fractures may prove difficult to heal.

We’ve witnessed something of that polarisation on this side of the Atlantic. Brexit in particular cut across traditional political lines and exacerbated divisions between friends and within families. Notwithstanding this year’s election of a Labour government, politics in the UK appears to be shifting to the right as it is elsewhwere. I’m not aware of an equivalent boycotting of family gatherings here, but I imagine some difficult decisions are being made. Full disclosure: if I was American I would vote Democrat. I could no more countenance voting Republican than I could vote Conservative here in the UK.

I asked Fran what she thought about Thanksgiving this year. She said she still sees it as an opportunity to celebrate. Despite all I’ve written, I agree with her. I’d want to spend Thanksgiving with those I feel closest to and safest with. This is a time when coming together with those most important to us is especially important. How and with whom we do that is up to us. We don’t have to buy into all the hype. There’s no need to stress out or put ourselves into debt buying lavish gifts and catering for large groups of people just because that’s how we’re told it should be done. We’re not required to give our attention, time, and presence to people whose opinions and choices are fundamentally at odds with ours. We don’t have to compromise our values, beliefs, and wellbeing to keep the peace.

Rather than despairing that things have changed, we can take it as an opportunity to focus on the things — and people — most important to us. One comment I saw on social media expressed this perfectly for me. “Family dynamics are supposed to change as people grow up, move out, marry and die. Start new traditions. We don’t live in a Hallmark movie or turkey commercial after all.”

I think that’s worth celebrating. And there’s always pie.

 

Photo by Preslie Hirsch at Unsplash.

 

Present and Correct: How to Do the Right Thing at the Right Time

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.

— Attributed to Alice Morse Earle

This piece was inspired by a conversation with Fran about when’s the right time to open Christmas presents. I sent Fran’s gifts early this year, and she wanted to open them as soon as they arrived. We had a fun time on our video call that evening, each in our matching Santa hats. It was November 27. The fact that I was okay with this shows how much I’ve grown since we first became friends in 2011. In those early years, it was important to me that we open our gifts together at the same time, ideally on Christmas Eve.

I guess I’m attached to the idea of there being a proper time to do things. I buy and wrap gifts in plenty of time — not least because many will be mailed to various locations in the UK and beyond — but the tree and other decorations should go up no earlier than the middle of December. I stock up in advance on festive fayre — mince pies, Christmas cake, chutneys, crackers, crisps (chips) and such — but it’s not to be consumed until a week or so before the big day.

If you’re a regular reader you’ll have noted my use of “should” in the previous paragraph. You’re no doubt thinking “Hmmm... I thought you don’t believe in shoulds!” You’re right, of course. Should implies some shared scale of rightness or propriety. In this case, I have only my personal sense of tradition, and the feeling that celebrations are enhanced by not starting them too early or continuing them too long. Realising that this is personal rather than absolute or universal is what I meant when I said I’d grown. It’s okay that other people feel differently.

My ideas about when things should be done are as valid — no less and no more — as Fran’s or anyone else’s. I like to open presents as close to Christmas Day as possible, but if Fran wants to open hers as soon as they arrive, that’s cool. I send cards in the first week of December, but if my friend wants to mail hers out in the middle of November, that’s good too. (Thank you, Jessie! Yours was the first Christmas card I received this year, and all the more special for that!)

It’s not just Christmas. I celebrate my birthday itself with family, and enjoy a get-together with friends as close to the day as possible. Fran marks her birthday by filling the month in which she was born with things she wants to do, either on her own or with friends. Neither approach is right or wrong. We’re free to mark our birthdays in the ways we wish.

Maybe this all seems obvious, and hardly worth mentioning, let alone discussing at length. I find it interesting, nonetheless. I think it highlights the fact that people have different approaches to the passage of time, and how to mark that passage in ways that are meaningful. I’ve written before about how to reach wise decisions, but deciding when is no less important.

• When to send the Christmas cards
• When to put up the decorations
• When to eat that first mince pie
• When to open your presents

These decisions may seem trivial, but each time (pun intended) we make one, we’re putting a little flag in the timeline of our life. Being aware of our time-based decisions and how we make them can help when we have larger flags to place.

• When to look for a new job
• When to send that letter
• When to ask that question
• When to end a relationship or start a new one

Being present and correct — or correctly present — is important. It reminds me that not everyone experiences time the way I do, or marks key moments in their lives the ways I’d choose to. I’ve mentioned Fran’s month-long approach to celebrating her birthdays. My friend Aimee celebrates Christmas in a similar way. She starts early (compared to me), visiting Christmas markets and making other festive trips in the weeks beforehand, and posting a new piece to her blog I’m NOT Disordered every day from December 1 until Christmas Day. Preparing those Blogmas posts is a commitment that starts weeks if not months ahead of time. I can’t imagine devoting so much time and effort myself, but I know how much it means to Aimee and how large a part it plays in her experience of Christmas. I love that she includes me in her celebrations, and we get to enjoy the season in ways that meets her expectations and mine.

That’s what it’s about; being aware of ourselves and our needs in the moment, and respectful of the needs of other people. Just the other day, Fran joined me on our usual video call. I was looking forward to a good catch-up, but she was too exhausted to talk. Instead, she asked if we could have some quiet time together while she rested. I was happy to agree. As I’ve written before, sharing quiet moments like this can deepen your friendship. Half an hour later, Fran felt sufficiently refreshed to ask how my day had gone and share a little of her own. It was a lovely example of how paying attention and making the right decision at the right time can enrich our experience.

There’s a connection here to my recent post about Albert Camus and his philosophy of the Absurd as exemplified in The Myth of Sisyphus.

The lesson we can take from Sisyphus — at least as Camus’ presents him — is to become fully aware of the present moment and find happiness there. Find meaning there.

So, whether it’s opening Christmas presents, spending time with a friend, or taking a significant life decision, being conscious of our needs helps us make the most of the current moment. It’s arguably the greatest gift of all. And that, my friends, is why they call it the present.

 

Photo by Icons8 Team at Unsplash

 

What Christmas Means to Me

I was searching for a blog topic recently and my son Mike suggested writing about my ideal Christmas. It was a good idea and I love this time of year, but I wasn’t sure how to approach it. My ideal Christmas has always been the last one I spent or the next one to come. In the end I decided to explore what I’ve enjoyed about Christmas in the past and how I’m feeling about this one, which is so different because of covid-19. I hope you enjoy sharing the journey with me.

Childhood Memories

My childhood memories of Christmas come to me as a series of disconnected snapshots or vignettes.

Hunting for the presents my parents had hidden away. Finding them in the suitcases stored underneath their bed.

Denshi board electronics set and Spirograph.

The wooden gifts my father made for me over the years: the castle my son inherited, the music box, and the fishing tackle box I wrote about decades later.

Standing outside Liverpool’s registry office on Christmas Eve in a blizzard at my cousin’s wedding.

Then there’s the year it was my parents’ turn to host the Boxing Day party for the extended family. It was so foggy no one could get home and aunts, uncles, and cousins had to stay overnight. This was fun for us kids, probably less so for the adults!

University Days

I studied pharmacy for four years at the University of Bradford. In common with many of my fellow students, I travelled home for Christmas, but there were plenty of opportunities to celebrate before we headed off.

I remember the day trip to London with a group of my new friends at the end of my first university term. We seemed to see more of the city on that one day than I would manage after university when I lived in the capital for three years!

I remember getting dressed up for my first year pre-Christmas Halls Ball, immortalised in my poem Contemplation 2:

Today, separated from you
by so many hours and tears
I found a picture of us
laughing.
Do you remember when we laughed as loud
—when a dream was all my desire
and the girl in the red dress danced away
a night of them
as I lay in her smile and the sounds of her singing

In my third year in Bradford, my housemates and I hosted a pre-Christmas meal for a few friends. I remember good food, laughter, and games. Somewhere, there’s a photo of Sally dancing on the table ...

London Town

After graduating from university I spent three years in London, although I still went home at Christmas.

I remember shopping in London for gifts and ideas. All the Christmas trees, lights and street decorations, in Covent Garden and elsewhere. Treating myself to roast chestnuts and mulled wine from street vendors.

I recall going into work at weekends to hand-print batches of Christmas cards.

I remember making cuddly toys and other presents for friends. The cuddly toy rats were particularly popular. I made Pemberton the grizzly bear as a Christmas gift for one of my dearest friends. Pemberton returned to me years later after she died.

Gift wrapping has always been a huge part of Christmas for me. I remember sitting on the floor in my bedsit wrapping presents for friends and family. I took it very seriously and built boxes from scratch for the odd-shaped items that are so difficult to wrap.

Newcastle

Christmasses in the thirty-plus years I’ve lived in Newcastle have been rich and varied. My first memory is a pre-Christmas meal in the house I shared in Sandyford before I moved to Kingston Park the following year.

Family trips to Dobbie’s garden centre in Ponteland for lunch on Christmas Eve. Choosing one new tree decoration each to add to the collection.

The wooden pirate ship and dolls house I made for Mike and Emma.

Cross-country trips to deliver gifts to family in Carlisle. Shopping and lunch at Gretna Green.

The annual trek into town to the post office to mail boxes and packages to friends in the UK and beyond.

The excitement of receiving packages through the mail, and (less fun!) the long queues at the sorting office to collect those which came when there was no one at home.

Dressing the tree in space cleared amongst the customary household clutter. Green and red ribbon bows I made decades ago for our first family Christmas. Precious decorations from friends and loved ones over the years. Mike’s pipe-cleaner beast. The paper crown and plaster tree Emma made at nursery.

Christmas morning phone calls and messages to those far away. Coffee and toast for breakfast in a sea of wrapping paper. Cooking the dinner. Roast chicken, rather than turkey. Roast potatoes and parsnip, Brussels sprouts, carrots, sage and onion stuffing, cranberry sauce, and gravy. Christmas pudding and custard.

Buffet meals for a day or so after. Raiding the fridge for cheeses, cold stuffing, olives; whatever can be found. Chutneys. Pringles. Mince pies, two at a time with cheese.

Marty and Fran

Fran and I met online in May 2011. Of all the Christmases we’ve shared since then, none have meant more than our first, as we described in our book High Tide, Low Tide.

During our first December as friends, Fran was in a deep depression after spending most of the previous year in mania. She felt bereft, isolated, suicidal, and alone. It meant a great deal to her that she could spend time on webcam with me and my family over Christmas and New Year. We opened our presents together, and Fran kept me company in the kitchen on Christmas morning as I cooked dinner, my netbook perched precariously on top of the saucepan stand. Fran told me later it was the best Christmas she had ever spent.

In December 2013 Fran took me on a visit to Swan Hall, which is a large Victorian house which opens its doors to visitors at Christmas in aid of local charities.

Fran: Do you wanna go to Swan Hall with me?

Martin: Is that the Christmas tree house?

Fran: Yes.. It’s $5 but I don’t think they’ll charge for you..

Martin: I’d love to! Christmas starts here!

We were on a video call as Fran arrived. I imagined she would end our call and take photographs to show me later, but she kept me on the line and even introduced me to the people on the door. “This is Marty, my friend from England. Do we need two tickets?”

Recent Years

Recent Christmases have been blessed by time spent locally with friends.

For the past two years, I’ve taken part in the wonderful Jingle Bell Walk in support of the Chris Lucas Trust. I have warm memories of us gathering with the other walkers outside Newcastle Civic Centre and then walking along Northumberland Street to Monument, down Dean Street, under the Tyne Bridge and along the Quayside to be met at the finish by Santa and his reindeer beside the Millennium Bridge. Dancing and singing along to Disney’s Let it Go!, then a quick drink in the Pitcher and Piano before heading home.

Drinks upstairs at the Charles Grey pub, then standing at the crowded doorway for the countdown to the Newcastle’s Christmas lights being turned on. Singing and dancing in the street to the Pogues’ Fairytale of New York, which will always remind me of that day.

Christmas shopping in Morpeth with Aimee. Calling on her just before Christmas so we could open our presents together.

Opening presents with another dear friend in our favourite coffee shop. The gratitude journal she gifted me last year is still very much in use.

Christmas 2020

Many of the moments and traditions I’ve come to treasure have had to be set aside or postponed under the shadow of covid-19. The UK government plans to allow up to three households to meet indoors between 23 and 27 December (see the official guidelines) but my family and friends have decided it’s safest not to meet until the new year at least. That means no cross country drive to visit family in Carlisle, no Jingle Bell walk (it was cancelled anyway), no trip into town with friends to see the lights, and no opening presents together in person.

I’ve not shopped in Newcastle as I usually would have done. (I have only been into town twice since the start of lockdown in March.) Everything I’ve bought has been sourced online or in my local shops. Fran and I agreed not to ship gifts to each other this year. Instead, we ordered online and had the packages sent directly. We will meet on webcam on Christmas Eve as usual. Aimee and I have exchanged three gifts each by post, which we’ll open together on a video call, and will save the rest for when we can meet safely in person. I’m doing the same with other friends. It will still be special, just different.

My Ideal Christmas

At the start of this post, I said that my ideal Christmas has always been the last one I spent or the next one to come. Having looked back now over the years, I’d say the one I spent last year — Christmas 2019 — was a near-perfect blend of moments spent with family and friends at home, in coffee shops, restaurants, pubs, and bars. This year can’t be like that but it can still be ideal in its own way because we’re all making it work in different ways.

For some people, celebrating Christmas at the proper time will be paramount, but for me, it’s fine if Christmas doesn’t all happen on December 25, or even in December at all. Christmas for me is less an event and more of a celebration of closeness and connection. In the same way that Fran celebrates her birthday month rather than just the day of her birth, we can celebrate Christmas 2020 during December and into the new year.

What Christmas Means to Others

I asked Fran what her ideal Christmas would look like.

My ideal Christmas is where I get to spent time with my friends, and decorate my apartment so I can make my home warm and inviting. And have good things to eat — not too fattening! And get lots of pressies! Oh, and Netflix shows!

I smiled, because despite covid-19 restrictions, she is able to realise her ideal Christmas this year, and that makes me happy.

Over the years, a number of guest writers have written for our blog on seasonal themes. I’ve chosen three to share with you here.

How I Unplugged the Christmas Machine and Created Stable Holidays, by Julie A. Fast

Season’s Greetings, by Roiben

Let It Go: Reducing Holiday Triggers for Your Child, by Tricia

I’d also like to share Carolyn Spring’s Christmas Is Optional.

My friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson told me, “Christmas is important to me because I’ve been a psychiatric inpatient over Christmas before, so I like to fully enjoy it now I’m better and at home.” Aimee ran joint blogmas and vlogmas posts on her blog I’m NOT Disordered last year (a herculean endeavour, to create written and video content for each day from December 1 until Christmas!). I’ve contributed to her Christmas posts in the past, including my Christmas wish list last year and a Christmas Q&A back in 2017. This year, Aimee is running a blog series on the theme of recommendations. You can follow, starting with the introduction in which Aimee talks more about what Christmas means to her.

What does Christmas mean to you? Is it a joyful time, or something you survive rather than enjoy? Does it bring good memories or recollections you’d rather not revisit? What would your ideal Christmas look like? We’d love to hear from you.

 

How I Unplugged the Christmas Machine and Created Stable Holidays

By Julie A. Fast

I love Christmas. I like the music and the colors. I’m listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack as I write this! I love the food and the snow and the lights on the houses. It is not a religious holiday for me, but one that I associate with really good childhood memories and a lot of family events.

And yet, there is also the bipolar disorder side of Christmas. Bipolar is an illness triggered by change, even if the change is positive. I write about triggers in my book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder. For all of my adult life I’ve loved Christmas, but once my bipolar started in my late teens, I kept getting sick at this time of year.

It took me years to figure out why. My bipolar diagnosis at age 31 helped, but I still wasn’t able to handle the up and down emotions during the holiday season here in the States. (Please feel free to substitute the holiday you choose to celebrate.)

Even after my diagnosis and creating my management system I lived with very serious depression and paranoia for many years. No matter how hard I tried I could not stay stable during the holidays. Each year I would promise myself that the time between Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve — our biggest holiday celebrations in the United States — would not make me sick.

I usually failed.

Despite having plenty of people around me I had many lonely times. It was my own behavior and the illness itself that caused this. I knew I had to change if I wanted to have a positive time during the holidays. Here is what I’ve done over the past twenty years to make the holiday season a better experience. I won't lie to you and say that the holidays are easy. Nope! But they are SO much better than in the past and that creates happiness during an often stressful time.

1. Finances. I can’t keep myself stable and deal financially with supporting myself if I buy gifts during the holidays. I stopped giving gifts to adults over twenty years ago. I read a book called Unplug the Christmas Machine that changed my life. I give gifts to my nephew — and have done so for seventeen years — but adults and I have a different Christmas relationship now. It’s about being together, family, friends and good food. I simply can’t do the presents. No one has to do presents if they don’t want to! If presents are something you enjoy and if they are something you can afford, then go for it. But if you’re like me and the crowds and cost and pressure actually make you more ill and really affect your bank balance, you have permission to stop.

2. Say no if you need to. You can use the ideas in my previous post on saying no to explain to others that your choices are often far more about bipolar than what you as a person want to do. I want to say yes to most things, but there is no way I could stay stable if I said yes too much during the holidays. But (there is always this darn but with bipolar) I then feel lonely at having to say no in order to stay well. Finding that balance during the holidays is hard but I keep trying.

3. Take a moment right now to look back on holidays of the past. What worked? What didn’t work? Make a list. Be nice to yourself and change what you can and plan to make more changes in the future. The holidays show up every year! There is plenty of time for us to change. This is the year to start the process of creating holidays that work for you!

4. Plan now and do something small for this year. Keep a journal on what you go through so that you can make the BIG changes next year. This is how I progress. If you don't have plans yet and worry that you will be lonely, there is time to find a group who wants to meet YOU. There is always a place for us in the world. Sometimes, we just have to find it. I like the group www.Meetup.com for meeting new people. They do have holiday events that are open to all people!

Happy Holidays. Let’s Treat Bipolar First and have the best holidays possible.

 

About the Author

Julie A. Fast was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a separate psychotic disorder in 1995. She is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get it Done When You’re Depressed and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Julie runs the award winning Bipolar Happens blog, is a columnist and blogger for BP Magazine, and won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was the recipient of the Eli Lily Reintegration award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. She is a bipolar disorder expert for the Dr.Oz and Oprah created site ShareCare.

Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals including psychiatric professionals, social workers, therapists and general practitioners on bipolar disorder management skills. She also educates the public on how cannabis marijuana affects people who have bipolar disorder and psychotic disorders. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People Magazine. She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. She struggles a lot due to bipolar disorder. Friendships keep her going.

You can find more about her work at www.JulieFast.com and www.BipolarHappens.com. Her Facebook pages include Julie A. Fast, The Stable Table for parents and health care professionals, and The Stable Bed for partners. You can watch her talk at the Oxford Union here.

 

Heartwarming Moments on the Jingle Bell Walk

I was proud to take part in this year’s Jingle Bell Walk in support of the Chris Lucas Trust which raises funds for and awareness of children’s cancer. I did the walk for the first time last year and was keen to do so again. I wasn’t alone! According to event organiser Lynn Lucas over four hundred people registered with more turning up on the night – all the more impressive given the rather damp weather we’d had all week!

The start coincided with the lighting ceremony for the huge Christmas tree outside Newcastle Civic Centre. I’d never witnessed this before and it made up for me missing the turning on of Newcastle’s main Christmas lights this year.

We set off from outside St Thomas’ church at Haymarket just after six pm. Four hundred walkers in Santa hats led by a marching band is quite something to see (and hear) and we drew plenty of attention!

The 2.5 mile route took us down Northumberland Street which looked very festive with the Christmas market in full swing and a mini fun fair complete with carousel and helter-skelter. The windows of Fenwick department store are something of a regional attraction at Christmas; this year’s theme is based on the Roald Dahl classic, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

We continued past STACK and the Tyneside Cinema before joining Dean Street close to the Theatre Royal. From there we walked down to the Quayside, under the Tyne Bridge and along the riverside to finish by the Millennium Bridge. Santa was there with his reindeer. There was music and dancing, a bubble machine, and hot chocolate for all donated by the Pitcher & Piano.

After a drink in the Pitcher & Piano it was time to head home. I called a friend of mine in the States to wish her Happy Thanksgiving and she kept me company as I walked along the Quayside and back up into the centre of town to Haymarket where the walk had started. I smiled when I realised I’d done the walk again in reverse – so if you sponsored me you really ought to pay double!

Here are a few of my personal memories of the evening:

• The brilliant family atmosphere at the start as everyone gathered for the off.
• The rain!
• The man watching us go by the entrance to Eldon Square, holding the cutest puppy ever!
• Two women waving to us all from an upstairs window on Dean Street!
• The marching band’s (ahem) interesting selection of anthems from the WW1 playbook!
• Singing Let It Go! WAY too loud (and without the benefit of alcohol!)

I asked organiser Lynn Lucas for her thoughts of this year’s event:

It was a great night from start to finish. The rain didn’t stop the fun and everyone supporting our charity to raise funds for childhood cancer. We try to make it magical for all with a marching band and at the finish Santa, reindeer, hot chocolate etc. The feedback has been fantastic; already looking forward to the next one! Support from everyone involved was really appreciated.

The Chris Lucas Trust is a registered charity supporting research into childhood cancer. You can find out more about the work of the Trust on their website www.chrislucastrust.com and follow them on Twitter (@chrislucastrust). To donate directly to the Trust visit their JustGiving page. The Jingle Bell Walk has its own website www.jinglebellwalk.co.uk.

 

My Mental Health 2018: Aligning It All

By Peter McDonnell

I realise that some people reading this article might not be enjoying their mental health at the moment. I would like you to know that it is possible for things to improve.

January 2018 – “Let’s just keep all the good stuff and lose all the bad stuff.”

As a result, at the end of 2018 I find myself more confident and outgoing. I was already doing very well in those areas twelve months ago but now my brain is serving up witty stories and points of general interest in a familiar, effortless, appropriate fashion, sometimes in a magical way. I’m not arrogant or egotistical so I like to control myself in social situations when I feel like my confidence is getting away from me. I have been reminding myself that other people are simply not as interested in many of the things that delight me, and so I pass the conversation on to other people too and just listen for a bit, becoming interested in them and their lives.

I have two mental illnesses, psychosis and anxiety. Both are fading away – something that lifts me every time I remember how far I have come since being housebound by that stuff. For years my mental acuity and happiness was gone, beaten into submission by psychosis and anxiety. Now that the problems are fading, my mental acuity and happiness is coming back with quite a passionate drive and it’s very nice to be back. I am able to apply myself to my work more effectively too. In more recent years I had to grow thick skin in preparation for mental health problems bothering me while I was at work and I’d learned how to self soothe by taking breaks. This this year such problem moments have hardly even been there.

I started a new job in the summer at the same time as England doing themselves proud in the World Cup. I am now nearly six months in as a part time peer support worker on the local ‘P.I.C.U.’ (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit) ward, the very same ward I was a patient at many times when my mental health was particularly bad. I have two other part time jobs. I work as a cleaner at the nearby Sports Centre, a job I do three hours a day at because it’s more interesting than you’d think and pays well. I also do a shorter amount of hours in a carpentry/joinery workshop making bespoke pieces from upcycled materials to sell in a shop. It’s therapeutic in several ways and very rewarding when my projects sell, and they sell quickly too! (I make coffee tables, wine racks, small cabinets, etc.)

You may well expect me to write a lot about my experiences on the PICU, but I rarely do because the patients have a right to their privacy, but I enjoy it. I feel useful there. I organise bingo games on the PICU and several other wards at Parklands Mental Hospital, which is part of the Southern Health NHS Foundation Trust. I bother local businesses including the big five supermarkets every three months for bingo prize donations. They are all very generous, especially Waitrose and Sainsbury’s. I have been able to gather some impressive prizes. Enthusiasm for bingo is particularly high on the over 65s ward. “Two little ducks, 22,” the room shouts – “quack, quack!” and so on. I am becoming familiar with the call signs.

My Princess nieces, two and a half and four and a half, visited us from America in the summer which was of course the highlight. As well as being rewarding work (I am familiar with and fairly adept at doing the parenting thing, for days at a time sometimes – they used to live close by and I like to think I’ve helped raise them and will continue to do so) they are great fun. Them being born gave me a small prod into reaching a new level of maturity and good mental health. I understand the walking unicorn I got them for Christmas was the favourite present.

I haven’t had a holiday this year, though I had two brilliant trips across Europe in 2017. I haven’t got my book published yet but I have received professional advice on the process, including two manuscript assessment services that provided lengthy appraisals, both saying similar things including “Disneyfy your book Peter!” Disneyfying my book means: Start with an attention grabbing scene, then fill in a bit of the back story, then introduce the dilemma, then bring in hope, then confidence and then work towards the happy conclusion. My mental health memoir was already a bit like that and the reworking is thus feeling easy at times. Lots of work to do though as I am keen to make my story the best it can possibly be.

Disneyfying a book, film etc. is very common. They all do it; Harry Potter, The Lord of The Rings, Star Wars, Peppa Pig, The Cat in The Hat...

In mid-December I received a surprise in the post, a copy of the Taylor and Francis Psychosis Journal 2018. In it they published a 3,500 word article I wrote for them on things that helped or hindered my journey with psychosis. It was another real highlight seeing my article in print in a bona fide psychosis journal. I wasn’t sure how widely published or respected the T and F Psychosis Journal was/is, but my Auntie in California who works as a literary researcher providing material for professionals told us that she has provided articles from this journal to researchers and professors at Stanford University. It was nice to feel such validation.

Christmas has been good for my family and me too; a busy week of seeing them and celebrating. My mum and I had several video calls with my nieces in America and we watched them opening presents. I miss them a lot, but having video calls with them every week does actually fill the hole a bit!

And so for 2018 things are continuing to slot into place – something I feel lucky for but have also worked hard to make happen, and I have been growing as a person in an enjoyable way. After many years feeling like an outsider, feeling normal again is fantastic.

Of course in an ideal world I’d be out partying hard tonight, I’m writing this on New Year’s Eve 2018. One step at a time though. Maybe next year. I had a few big New Year’s Eve celebrations in my teenage years and early twenties so I’ll always have that.

I wish you a happy and prosperous 2019.

About the Author

Peter McDonnell, 36, is an author, woodworker and mental health advocate from Basingstoke, Hampshire, UK.

He often writes articles on his experiences with mental illness and recovery for mental health websites. He is working hard on his memoirs of his experiences with mental illness. He has a website where you can see book extracts and his articles as well as a few other things. He also likes to write about travelling.

His social media links are easy to find on his website: petermcdonnellwriter.com.

 

Let It Go: Reducing Holiday Triggers for Your Child

By Tricia

I believe there are a great many expectations that we put on our children during the holidays. We expect them to help decorate the tree with the family, go shopping with us, maybe wrap presents, and the worst part of all is having to spend time with extended family, oftentimes crammed into too tight of quarters.

And we expect all of this to be done with a smile on their face. They must be polite to Aunt Rita and Uncle Joe who are always making jokes at their expense. They have to accept hugs and “Merry Christmas!” from people they only see once a year, again all with a smile.

Maybe we could let them off the hook at least a little this year?

If you have never suffered from any sort of mental illness, you likely do not realize the extra stress that this puts on those who do. Most kids enjoy decorating the Christmas tree, but if your child doesn’t want to this year, why would you want to force him? Nobody enjoys being made to do things, but kids who suffer from bipolar or any other mental illness struggle with it much more.

If I said to you “Hey, there is something really fun for me, and it would make a great memory for me, too, but it is going to be really stressful for you,” would you want to do it? Especially, imagine you are trying to do what the other person wants, but you don’t look happy enough and so they start grumbling that you are ruining the whole thing. How would that make you feel?

Now let’s think about those crowded stores. All rushing and waiting and being too hot and waiting some more and some more etc.. The people around you are all grumpy and being rude. Your parent, who dragged you along in the first place, is one of those grumpy and rude people because again you didn’t seem to be enjoying this forced shopping experience enough. And now this memorable occasion has been ruined by you, who didn’t want to be there in the first place.

I hope you’re getting the feeling so far. I sure am my anxiety has gone up by 10% at least. But we are not done yet. Now we get wrap all of these gifts.

So the wrapping begins with you making a minimal effort because it’s wrapping with your parents. It’s work you didn’t want to be a part of, and you’re being told: “No do it like this. Wait, you’re using too much tape…” How is this holiday shaping up for you so far?

Now you are on your way to Grandma and Grandpa’s house where all the aunts and uncles and annoying little cousins will be. You walk in the door to be immediately greeted by Aunt Rita who yells, “Hey, Joe, look who is here. It’s that grumpy kid from over at your sister’s house,” or some equally rude thing that you are meant to smile and laugh at like they are funny and not rude. You try and find a corner away from everyone, only to be told to quit sulking. You should be talking with everyone because otherwise “you are being rude.” And on the day will go, in just that way.

Are these the memories you were hoping for? Probably not. So maybe we can rethink it just a bit. I’m not saying they have to go hide in their room the entire season, but you could make it a little easier and more enjoyable for all of you by taking their likes and dislikes into consideration, because this is a nicer story than it really could turn out to be. Depending on their age and how their symptoms affect them, you could be starting an all-out war, and later you will be sitting in the rubble wondering what happened. All of these activities could be triggering them again and again, and eventually there will be fall out.

Time to decorate the Christmas tree but he is not having it? Okay, it’s not the end of the world and good memories do not come from being forced to decorate a tree. So you let it go.

So how about we try again. Your kiddo loves going to Starbucks, so you say, “Hey, I have to run and get Grandma’s present. Would you like to go with me, and we can stop and get Starbucks together afterward?” Oh yeah, that will probably go over much better. Now you have taken their interest and mixed it with your desire to shop together, but by keeping it small you are minimizing the stress and triggering the reward center of the brain with that sugary coffee or cocoa, depending on their age of course.

Now you get home and would like help with wrapping the gift, but he doesn’t want to. No problem, keep the good memory you made and let it go.

Ah! It is time for the long-anticipated trip to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Your kid walks in the door and there is Aunt Rita. Time to intervene. “Hey, Rita Merry Christmas,” you say as you slip between the two of them. “Why don’t you go and put the gifts under the tree,” you say to your kid, effectively giving him an escape route. As he goes to find his corner, you let him go. No harm done and you get to enjoy your time with your other family members, while he gets to not be triggered by all of the chaos that can be so overwhelming.

About the Author

I am the proud mom of two amazing young men, one of whom was diagnosed with bipolar 1 at the age of eleven. He is now living successfully and managing his illness on his own.

I am a Youth Mental Health Advocate, Certified Family and Partnership Professional, and NAMI Volunteer.

You can find me on my Parenting For Good Mental Health website, on Twitter (@pfgmentalhealth) and on Facebook.

 

Season’s Greetings

By Roiben

Christmas and New Year can be a difficult time for many people, for many reasons. The pressure on finances alone can be enough to increase stress and worry. This is without factoring in Mental Illness or a Chronic Condition.

Towns and Cafes become more crowded and frenetic and can make simply going outside feel harder than normal. Then, there are the expectations to socialize – to see friends and family and partake in the celebration of the Season. A Season with short, cold, wet days and long dark nights. A Season filled with the pressure and expectation to be happy and together and well.

So what happens, when you cannot afford it? When you are separated from your family by circumstances that won’t change? When you have a Mental Illness or Chronic Condition that means the sheer pressure and stress in the build-up to The Day mean you use up all your energy, all your strength, all your will-power and social acumen just to get through the month. By the time The Day arrives, it is not unusual to be disenchanted at best, and miserable and anti-social at worse.

So, what can be done? I have learned a few tricks over the years that have made the Season slightly more bearable. Firstly: Be open and honest. If you are too tired or stressed, or your emotions feel too battered, allow yourself time away. Ask if you can retire to a quiet room for a while. I have made it the norm that I will do this.

Only join in with family games around the table if you feel up to it. If not, maybe use this as your quiet time. If you do join in, don’t be afraid to bail out if it begins to feel too much.

Have at least one contact who you can be completely honest with. Whether over the phone, online or in person. There is so much pressure to be happy that it is a relief to have someone who accepts when you say “I am struggling”. I have felt suicidal on Christmas Day before now which is the opposite of what people expect. I will be the first to say it is very hard and wearing to put your feelings aside in the presence of others. Being able to state the truth to at least one person can be a life-line.

If you can, avoid alcohol. It interferes with most medication and is in itself a depressant. If you do choose to drink do so carefully, in the presence of others who can look after you should the alcohol affect your mood or well-being.

Be sure to take your medication. If you are travelling over the Christmas period, make it the first thing you pack and make sure you have enough to last you until the doctor’s surgery opens again. They can be closed for anything from a few days to an entire week, so get your prescription sorted in plenty of time and if need be, ask for more to last you through.

I have learned to take the Season slowly, and carefully. Pace yourself is the best advice I can give. Know your limits and don’t be afraid to stick to them. In reality, no one wants you ill or suffering because you have pushed yourself too far.

Whatever you do, and however you make it through the Season, I hope you make it through and without too much in the way of pain and suffering. I won’t wish you a Merry Christmas, as I appreciate the last thing we need is more pressure to be happy and well. Instead, I wish you a memorable Christmas. Focus on making memories, any way you can.

About the Author

You can find Roiben on Twitter (@roiben).

 

Now I Know How

It’s surprising to find myself in the spirit of celebration. I am rarely one for special days. Often I am depressed and grumpy, a grinch, and having to fake cheeriness for others. A few years ago I began to look for little bits that light me up and dwell on them. There is so much excess and extravagance that can be overwhelming. My little bit grew every year. This year my table was graced with a garland, not one but two nutcrackers marched into my world, and an amaryllis bloomed magnificently by my window. These bits help me feel less alone. Next year a snow globe will sail on in. I never allowed myself to enjoy these frivolities before. But now I know how to cultivate a bit of joy and share it with dear friends of course.

Fran