Present and Correct: How to Do the Right Thing at the Right Time

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.

— Attributed to Alice Morse Earle

This piece was inspired by a conversation with Fran about when’s the right time to open Christmas presents. I sent Fran’s gifts early this year, and she wanted to open them as soon as they arrived. We had a fun time on our video call that evening, each in our matching Santa hats. It was November 27. The fact that I was okay with this shows how much I’ve grown since we first became friends in 2011. In those early years, it was important to me that we open our gifts together at the same time, ideally on Christmas Eve.

I guess I’m attached to the idea of there being a proper time to do things. I buy and wrap gifts in plenty of time — not least because many will be mailed to various locations in the UK and beyond — but the tree and other decorations should go up no earlier than the middle of December. I stock up in advance on festive fayre — mince pies, Christmas cake, chutneys, crackers, crisps (chips) and such — but it’s not to be consumed until a week or so before the big day.

If you’re a regular reader you’ll have noted my use of “should” in the previous paragraph. You’re no doubt thinking “Hmmm... I thought you don’t believe in shoulds!” You’re right, of course. Should implies some shared scale of rightness or propriety. In this case, I have only my personal sense of tradition, and the feeling that celebrations are enhanced by not starting them too early or continuing them too long. Realising that this is personal rather than absolute or universal is what I meant when I said I’d grown. It’s okay that other people feel differently.

My ideas about when things should be done are as valid — no less and no more — as Fran’s or anyone else’s. I like to open presents as close to Christmas Day as possible, but if Fran wants to open hers as soon as they arrive, that’s cool. I send cards in the first week of December, but if my friend wants to mail hers out in the middle of November, that’s good too. (Thank you, Jessie! Yours was the first Christmas card I received this year, and all the more special for that!)

It’s not just Christmas. I celebrate my birthday itself with family, and enjoy a get-together with friends as close to the day as possible. Fran marks her birthday by filling the month in which she was born with things she wants to do, either on her own or with friends. Neither approach is right or wrong. We’re free to mark our birthdays in the ways we wish.

Maybe this all seems obvious, and hardly worth mentioning, let alone discussing at length. I find it interesting, nonetheless. I think it highlights the fact that people have different approaches to the passage of time, and how to mark that passage in ways that are meaningful. I’ve written before about how to reach wise decisions, but deciding when is no less important.

• When to send the Christmas cards
• When to put up the decorations
• When to eat that first mince pie
• When to open your presents

These decisions may seem trivial, but each time (pun intended) we make one, we’re putting a little flag in the timeline of our life. Being aware of our time-based decisions and how we make them can help when we have larger flags to place.

• When to look for a new job
• When to send that letter
• When to ask that question
• When to end a relationship or start a new one

Being present and correct — or correctly present — is important. It reminds me that not everyone experiences time the way I do, or marks key moments in their lives the ways I’d choose to. I’ve mentioned Fran’s month-long approach to celebrating her birthdays. My friend Aimee celebrates Christmas in a similar way. She starts early (compared to me), visiting Christmas markets and making other festive trips in the weeks beforehand, and posting a new piece to her blog I’m NOT Disordered every day from December 1 until Christmas Day. Preparing those Blogmas posts is a commitment that starts weeks if not months ahead of time. I can’t imagine devoting so much time and effort myself, but I know how much it means to Aimee and how large a part it plays in her experience of Christmas. I love that she includes me in her celebrations, and we get to enjoy the season in ways that meets her expectations and mine.

That’s what it’s about; being aware of ourselves and our needs in the moment, and respectful of the needs of other people. Just the other day, Fran joined me on our usual video call. I was looking forward to a good catch-up, but she was too exhausted to talk. Instead, she asked if we could have some quiet time together while she rested. I was happy to agree. As I’ve written before, sharing quiet moments like this can deepen your friendship. Half an hour later, Fran felt sufficiently refreshed to ask how my day had gone and share a little of her own. It was a lovely example of how paying attention and making the right decision at the right time can enrich our experience.

There’s a connection here to my recent post about Albert Camus and his philosophy of the Absurd as exemplified in The Myth of Sisyphus.

The lesson we can take from Sisyphus — at least as Camus’ presents him — is to become fully aware of the present moment and find happiness there. Find meaning there.

So, whether it’s opening Christmas presents, spending time with a friend, or taking a significant life decision, being conscious of our needs helps us make the most of the current moment. It’s arguably the greatest gift of all. And that, my friends, is why they call it the present.

 

Photo by Icons8 Team at Unsplash

 

Just Don't: Ten Reasons Not to Do the Thing

This photograph by James Orr caught my attention in 2020 when I was looking for the perfect image to accompany one of my blog posts. It wasn’t what I was looking for at the time but I included it in my collection of 21 image prompts for the mental health blogger. Three years on, I’m ready take up the challenge and explore what JUST DON’T means to me.

It stands in contrast to the more famous JUST DO IT imperative, which has featured in the promotional campaigns of American athletic footwear and apparel corporation Nike since 1988. The message of motivation and achievement is healthy enough in the right context, but like positivity of any kind it becomes toxic when applied without considering a person’s situation and needs. There’s an large dose of ableism in the “you can do anything if you want it enough” subtext. What if you want to do it but can’t? What if you don’t want to do it at all?

There are many kinds of achievement, as I explored a couple of years ago in an article titled For the Win! Celebrate Your Successes in Your Own Way. Saying no to the things we don’t want is as important as saying yes to the things we do. Here are ten situations where not doing the thing may be the best or wisest choice.

1. I don’t want to

“I don’t want to” is more of a statement than a reason, but it’s valid if that’s how we feel. Perhaps we know the underlying reason but choose not to share it with others. Or we’re not sure why we don’t want to do the thing, only that we don’t. I was on a call the other day with Fran. She said it was a lovely day where she lives. The sun was shining. There were at least three outdoor things she could imagine doing, any of which she’d probably enjoy. But she didn’t want to do any of them. We explored that for a few moments. I told her her “I don’t want to” was a perfectly reasonable response to a sunny day. She didn’t have to justify her decision to me, herself, or anyone else.

2. I’m scared

You may know the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers. (“Whatever you are afraid of, this book can give you the insight and practical tools to push through your fears to live the life you always wanted.”) I read it a number of years ago. It contains a great deal of information and techniques for working with our fears. As I’ve written elsewhere, we tend to tell ourselves stories about who we are and what we can and cannot do. These can hold us back from experiencing new things, so it’s worth checking from time to time to see if they still meet our needs.

But the stories, and our fears, are there for a reason. They are, or have been, protective in some way. There’s a time to push through and do it anyway but we may not be in a position to do so right now. That’s okay. Being scared or unready to face the test today is okay. I’m reminded of the poem by Christopher Logue (often wrongly attributed to Guillaume Apollinaire, to whom it was dedicated) called “Come to the Edge.”

Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It’s too high!
COME TO THE EDGE!
And they came,
and he pushed,
And they flew.

The meaning is clear. If we push through our fears (or are pushed) we can overcome what holds us back. The message is intoxicating. It is also profoundly dangerous. It’s not for others to push us over the edge. The motivation to transcend our fears must come from within us, albeit with encouragement and support. Author and life coach Tony Robbins has said “[c]hange happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” In that moment, we may decide to do the thing, but there’s no shame in paying attention to our fears and putting it off for another day.

3. I don’t feel safe

This overlaps with the previous reason, because if we don’t feel safe doing something we’re likely to be fearful or anxious about it. There’s a difference, however. This one says “I would do the thing if I felt safe.” There could be any number of reasons for feeling unsafe. It might relate to our physical situation, a lack of financial security that makes taking a risk unreasonably perilous, or not having a safe space within a friendship or relationship to do or say what we otherwise would. Not feeling safe is one reason people hide the truth about how they’re feeling.

4. It doesn’t feel right

Elsewhere I’ve described some strategies we can use to make wise decisions. Several rely on identifying how we feel about the options we’re faced with. It’s sensible to balance our feelings with what we think about the situation, but if you’ve a strong sense something isn’t going to work out well, pay attention to your gut. American stand-up comedian Taylor Tomlinson has a brilliant skit about making loads of mistakes in your twenties because you don’t have much of a gut to pay attention to. Not everyone in their twenties is slim, obviously, but she’s talking more about our intuition than our waistlines. I’m in my sixties and have both kinds of gut in abundance. I try to pay attention to them both.

5. I feel pressured to do it

It’s not always obvious when we’re being pushed to do something we otherwise wouldn’t, because the pressure can be subtle. We’ve all been in situations where we feel we should do something, perhaps from a sense of responsibility, duty, or because it’s expected of us. As Philippa Perry claimed in an article in The Guardian, "Shoulds are so often the assimilated wants of other people and of your culture.” Neither Fran nor I are a fan of should. For us, it’s a word that shouldn’t be used. There are times when we can gracefully accept the burden of responsibility, but acting repeatedly against our interests because it’s expected of us isn’t healthy. Saying no when necessary is a wise expression of our boundaries. It reminds us and those around us of our value and needs.

6. I can’t afford it

Not having enough money is a valid reason for saying no to things we’d like to do if we could afford it. Examples include declining a meet-up with a friend, deferring a vacation, or putting off non-essential purchases. It can be hard to say no, but it’s a wise decision if our finances don’t permit it, or if saying yes would leave us struggling to afford something more important.

7. I can’t right now

Sometimes we’d love to do the thing but can’t at the moment. We may have contradictory demands and responsibilities, or health issues that get in the way. The latter is something I’ve learned from Fran, whose primary health conditions — bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), and fibromyalgia — affect her episodically. There are times when all three conditions are operating at a low intensity and she’s more or less able to do what she wants or needs to do. More usually, however, one or more of her symptoms is in the ascendency. This can severely limit her ability to do the things she’d like to. She generally needs to allow time in advance of, and after, anything that requires significant mental, physical, or emotional energy.

8. I can’t do it

There are some things we’re incapable of doing, no matter how much we’d like to. That’s not a comfortable message. We’re indoctrinated to believe we can do anything if we want it enough and are prepared to do the necessary work, navigating or pushing aside the obstacles in our way. Obstacles such as stigma, discrimination, and oppression deserve to be challenged and overcome, but the idea we can do anything we want is naive, unkind, and unhelpful. Refusing to acknowledge our lives’ boundaries can breed dissatisfaction and resentment. It also prevents us from living our best lives. Saying I can't do that isn’t defeatist or self-limiting if it’s grounded in reality. We’re not letting ourselves down, or failing at life. Accepting that some things aren’t going to happen can bring peace because we’re no longer spending time and energy chasing things that will never be. It allows us to focus on and work towards the things we can achieve. Our first best destiny, if you will.

9. I don’t want to give up

The hardest choice of all is saying no to something that seems the best or only option, but is potentially dangerous. I’ve no personal experience of suicidal thinking or self-harm, but I’ve learned how desperately hard it can be to stay safe. Just don't might seem insensitive and naive in that context, but anything that helps weigh the scale towards safety counts as a reason not to do the unsafe thing. I’m reminded of the lyrics to Peter Gabriel’s “Don’t Give Up,” with its list of reasons to stay in the game, to stay safe, to stay alive.

’Cause you have friends.
You’re not beaten yet.
I know you can make it good.
You still have us.
’Cause somewhere there’s a place where we belong.
You’re not the only one.
We’re proud of who you are.

My favourite version of the song is Gabriel’s duet with Kate Bush, but his 1990 performance with Sinead O’Connor carries fresh poignancy after her recent death. Every person and situation is different, but staying safe is likely to involve more than not doing the unsafe thing. It very likely involves choosing to do something protective, such as seeking help and support. This in itself is an act of courage and deserves to be recognised as such.

10. I did it and I want a medal

A funny one to finish with. If you’re planning to do something just to look good or brag about it afterwards, maybe JUST DON’T. It’s not a good look, as Ellie Taylor relates in this excerpt from the BBC’s satirical news show The Mash Report. It opens with the line, “A man has sorted out one thing and now wants a fucking medal for it.” Joking aside, it’s worth examining our motives if we find ourselves doing things performatively just to boost our egos or elevate ourselves above others.

Over to You

In this post I’ve shared ten reasons not to do something. Can you think of an occasion when you had to decline an invitation, or say no to something you wanted to do? What about times when you felt obligated to do something you didn’t want to do? How did it feel? How did you handle it? Fran and I would love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by James Orr at Unsplash.

 

Left or Right? Nine Strategies for Making Wise Decisions

Always make decisions that prioritize your inner peace. ― Izey Victoria Odiase

We make hundreds of decisions every day. What time to get up. What to wear. Where and what to eat. The majority of our decisions are minor, even trivial, and we make them without weighing all the options and consequences. But every now and again there’s a decision to be made and we just — stop. We’re unsure which way to turn, or if we even need to decide right now. That’s when we turn to our strategies for decision making. But what are they, exactly? In this post I explore eight techniques I use, and one I don’t because I’m scared to.

1. The 51% Test

In a recent conversation with Fran I shared that I was undecided about whether to reach out to someone I’d lost touch with. There was no obviously right or best path to take. Fran listened to me for a while, then asked, “Are you 51%?”

I knew what she meant. It’s an approach we’ve used on numerous occasions. I closed my eyes, gauging how I felt about contacting my former friend. “I think I’m 51%, yes.”

“Then do it,” Fran said.

I wavered. “I’m only just 51%.”

“51% means yes,” she reminded me. That’s the beauty of this technique. It doesn’t require you to feel very sure, just more than half sure. If you’re unclear of your emotional response, you can reverse the test. In my case, that would mean testing how I felt about not contacting the person I was thinking about. I remained undecided, so Fran offered me an alternative strategy, the ring of fingers.

2. The Ring of Fingers (Self Muscle Test)

Fran invited me to join the thumb and forefinger of my left hand into a circle, then form an interlinked circle with the thumb and forefinger of my right hand. Unsure of where this was leading, I did so. Fran instructed me to move my hands apart, first resisting, and then allowing my fingers to part. Once I understood the technique, she told me to close my eyes, imagine myself contacting the person, and move my hands apart. Whether my fingers instinctively opened or resisted opening would give me my answer; yes if they opened, no if they resisted opening. I did so and found my fingers instinctively resisted opening.

I later learned that this technique is better known as the self muscle test. It’s one of several methods based on connecting with the body’s state of tension or resistance to various scenarios. I haven’t tried them enough to comment on their validity, but they provide an interesting approach to when I’m unsure about which decision feels right.

3. Imagine You’ve Already Decided

The third strategy is one I’ve used many times. It works best when you’re struggling to decide which of two or three options feels right to you. Close your eyes and imagine you’ve already taken the first path. The decision is behind you. You’re on the other side. Focus on your emotional response to having taken this path. How does it feel? Do you feel warm, positive, and optimistic about the path you’re now on; or uncertain, anxious, regretful, or scared? Open your eyes, then after a few minutes repeat the exercise with each of the other options. I find this technique useful because it takes me out of the decision making process, and allows me to focus on how I feel about the options themselves.

4. T-Chart

The T-chart is a simple technique for thinking through the advantages and disadvantages of taking a particular decision. Write the option or decision at the top of a sheet of paper. Draw a horizontal line below what you just wrote, and a vertical line down the centre of the page, to form a large “T” shape. On the left side, list as many advantages, positive outcomes, or justifications you can find for taking this option. List disadvantages, negative outcomes, or reasons for not taking this option on the right hand side. Once you’ve finished, review what you’ve written to help reach a decision. I find this works best for yes/no decisions.

5. Best in Class

This technique works well when you need to choose between several different options. I’ve used it recently when trying to decide which mobile phone to buy. On a sheet of paper, draw vertical lines so you have one column for each phone you want to compare, plus one extra column. To compare three phones, divide the page vertically into four columns. Label the first (left-most) column “Features” and label each of the remaining columns with the name of the phone you are considering.

Down the first colum, list key features, such as price, memory, storage, size, plus any others you’re interested in. For each phone in turn, research and fill in the relevant details. Once you’ve completed the grid, highlight or circle the best result for each feature. In the price row, circle the lowest price. In the memory row, circle the highest or best memory. When you’ve finished, review the results and see which option scores highest in the most categories.

Due to its grid structure, this approach works best on lined or squared (graph) paper, or in a spreadsheet if you prefer to work digitally.

6. Write it Out

I’ve kept a daily diary for decades so I’m used to exploring what’s going on for me by writing about it. I also blog here on a weekly basis, often incorporating events and situations from my life into my blog posts. Exploring things in these ways helps me clarify my priorities, thoughts, and feelings, which can help me towards making a decision about what’s best for me.

7. Talk it Out

Talking things over with people I trust to listen without passing judgment can help me move towards a decision. The conversation with Fran that I mentioned earlier is a great example, but other friends help me in different ways. It’s important to me to have people who will let me share my thoughts and feelings without pushing me down any particular path. There’s a good example in our book High Tide, Low Tide. In this case the roles were reversed; Fran needed to reach a decision about whether to embark on a three month trip around Europe with her parents. She needed me to help her reach a decision, but it was important I didn’t influence her unduly. My role was to remind her of her options, and hold a space in which she could explore things for herself.

Martin: You can still decide not to go.

Fran: i wanna go.. it’s just that it won’t be easy.. it may stretch me beyond what i am capable of.. i have some peace to make with my mother.. i want an adventure and am scared shitless.. afraid of getting lost.. of not knowing where i am.. of how to do things.. but the adventure lures me.. i want to be there for my mum.. it would mean a lot to her and to me.. it is the right thing to do..

Martin: I think I just helped you clarify some things.

Fran: yes.. thank you for drawing that out.. i will need to keep reminding myself when i feel like giving up.. it won’t be easy..

8. Random Strategies

When you’ve tried every strategy you can think of but still can’t make up your mind, you might consider letting chance decide for you. If it’s a yes/no decision, you might toss a coin. If there are more than two options, you might roll dice or employ a pseudo random number generator such as random.org. I’m personally wary of delegating my decision making to chance. I can trace my feelings to the novel The Dice Man by Luke Rhinehart. The lead character begins basing his everyday decisions on the throw of a die. It begins innocently enough but the practice leads him into some very dangerous situations. The blurb was enough for me. I’d be scared to read the book in case I was tempted to try.

Discussing this, my son Mike offered sound advice about using random processes safely. “Toss a coin,” he said. “And if you get a strong negative feeling about the decision, choose the other one.”

9. Defer the Decision

The desire to make the best decision — or to avoid making the wrong one — can get in the way of us seeing things clearly. It’s worth remembering that defering your decision is often a valid option. Maybe you need to gather more information, seek expert guidance or advice, or talk things over with others. Maybe you need time to process what’s happening until you’re ready to reach a decision you’re comfortable with.

We discussed one deferral approach recently in The Box on the Shelf: A Strategy for Handling Difficult Issues and Situations. As we described it, “[the box] is a strategy for dealing with troublesome or persistent issues a little at a time, setting them aside in between so you can get on with other things. It’s not intended as a way of hiding things away or putting them off altogether.”

What Is a Wise Decision, Anyway?

I’ve described techniques I use to help me make what I hope are wise decisions. I’ve said nothing about what constitutes wise decision making, because that’s a very personal thing. What is a wise decision for one person might be folly to someone else. It’s a topic I may return to on another occasion. For now, I’ll share two quotations which shed a little light on my own perspective. The first is by author and speaker Deepak Chopra. It counters the stifling notion that there’s always a right or best decision to be made.

If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience. (Deepak Chopra)

This resonates because I’ve never been someone to regret past decisions. There are choices that didn’t work out well for me or for people I’ve impacted, but to me regret is a pointless indulgence. The honest response to making “wrong” decisions is not regret but acknowledging and owning their consequences. That’s how we grow and mature. As Mark Twain put it, “Experience comes from making bad decisions.”

The second quotation is spoken by the character Meredith Grey in the medical drama Grey’s Anatomy.

We’re all going to die. We don’t get much say over how or when, but we do get to decide how we’re gonna live. So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to life? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide. (Meredith Grey)

Although it does speak of being the “best you can be” (and thus hints at making the best decisions towards that goal), I like this quotation. It’s the perfect antidote to indecision and prevarication, and a call to each of us to own our decisions and take responsibility for how we live our lives.

Over to You

What are your thoughts on the techniques I’ve presented? How do you approach decision making? What techniques or approaches work for you? Do you regret decisions you’ve made in the past? Fran and I would love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Burst at Unsplash.