Just Don't: Ten Reasons Not to Do the Thing

This photograph by James Orr caught my attention in 2020 when I was looking for the perfect image to accompany one of my blog posts. It wasn’t what I was looking for at the time but I included it in my collection of 21 image prompts for the mental health blogger. Three years on, I’m ready take up the challenge and explore what JUST DON’T means to me.

It stands in contrast to the more famous JUST DO IT imperative, which has featured in the promotional campaigns of American athletic footwear and apparel corporation Nike since 1988. The message of motivation and achievement is healthy enough in the right context, but like positivity of any kind it becomes toxic when applied without considering a person’s situation and needs. There’s an large dose of ableism in the “you can do anything if you want it enough” subtext. What if you want to do it but can’t? What if you don’t want to do it at all?

There are many kinds of achievement, as I explored a couple of years ago in an article titled For the Win! Celebrate Your Successes in Your Own Way. Saying no to the things we don’t want is as important as saying yes to the things we do. Here are ten situations where not doing the thing may be the best or wisest choice.

1. I don’t want to

“I don’t want to” is more of a statement than a reason, but it’s valid if that’s how we feel. Perhaps we know the underlying reason but choose not to share it with others. Or we’re not sure why we don’t want to do the thing, only that we don’t. I was on a call the other day with Fran. She said it was a lovely day where she lives. The sun was shining. There were at least three outdoor things she could imagine doing, any of which she’d probably enjoy. But she didn’t want to do any of them. We explored that for a few moments. I told her her “I don’t want to” was a perfectly reasonable response to a sunny day. She didn’t have to justify her decision to me, herself, or anyone else.

2. I’m scared

You may know the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers. (“Whatever you are afraid of, this book can give you the insight and practical tools to push through your fears to live the life you always wanted.”) I read it a number of years ago. It contains a great deal of information and techniques for working with our fears. As I’ve written elsewhere, we tend to tell ourselves stories about who we are and what we can and cannot do. These can hold us back from experiencing new things, so it’s worth checking from time to time to see if they still meet our needs.

But the stories, and our fears, are there for a reason. They are, or have been, protective in some way. There’s a time to push through and do it anyway but we may not be in a position to do so right now. That’s okay. Being scared or unready to face the test today is okay. I’m reminded of the poem by Christopher Logue (often wrongly attributed to Guillaume Apollinaire, to whom it was dedicated) called “Come to the Edge.”

Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It’s too high!
COME TO THE EDGE!
And they came,
and he pushed,
And they flew.

The meaning is clear. If we push through our fears (or are pushed) we can overcome what holds us back. The message is intoxicating. It is also profoundly dangerous. It’s not for others to push us over the edge. The motivation to transcend our fears must come from within us, albeit with encouragement and support. Author and life coach Tony Robbins has said “[c]hange happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” In that moment, we may decide to do the thing, but there’s no shame in paying attention to our fears and putting it off for another day.

3. I don’t feel safe

This overlaps with the previous reason, because if we don’t feel safe doing something we’re likely to be fearful or anxious about it. There’s a difference, however. This one says “I would do the thing if I felt safe.” There could be any number of reasons for feeling unsafe. It might relate to our physical situation, a lack of financial security that makes taking a risk unreasonably perilous, or not having a safe space within a friendship or relationship to do or say what we otherwise would. Not feeling safe is one reason people hide the truth about how they’re feeling.

4. It doesn’t feel right

Elsewhere I’ve described some strategies we can use to make wise decisions. Several rely on identifying how we feel about the options we’re faced with. It’s sensible to balance our feelings with what we think about the situation, but if you’ve a strong sense something isn’t going to work out well, pay attention to your gut. American stand-up comedian Taylor Tomlinson has a brilliant skit about making loads of mistakes in your twenties because you don’t have much of a gut to pay attention to. Not everyone in their twenties is slim, obviously, but she’s talking more about our intuition than our waistlines. I’m in my sixties and have both kinds of gut in abundance. I try to pay attention to them both.

5. I feel pressured to do it

It’s not always obvious when we’re being pushed to do something we otherwise wouldn’t, because the pressure can be subtle. We’ve all been in situations where we feel we should do something, perhaps from a sense of responsibility, duty, or because it’s expected of us. As Philippa Perry claimed in an article in The Guardian, "Shoulds are so often the assimilated wants of other people and of your culture.” Neither Fran nor I are a fan of should. For us, it’s a word that shouldn’t be used. There are times when we can gracefully accept the burden of responsibility, but acting repeatedly against our interests because it’s expected of us isn’t healthy. Saying no when necessary is a wise expression of our boundaries. It reminds us and those around us of our value and needs.

6. I can’t afford it

Not having enough money is a valid reason for saying no to things we’d like to do if we could afford it. Examples include declining a meet-up with a friend, deferring a vacation, or putting off non-essential purchases. It can be hard to say no, but it’s a wise decision if our finances don’t permit it, or if saying yes would leave us struggling to afford something more important.

7. I can’t right now

Sometimes we’d love to do the thing but can’t at the moment. We may have contradictory demands and responsibilities, or health issues that get in the way. The latter is something I’ve learned from Fran, whose primary health conditions — bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), and fibromyalgia — affect her episodically. There are times when all three conditions are operating at a low intensity and she’s more or less able to do what she wants or needs to do. More usually, however, one or more of her symptoms is in the ascendency. This can severely limit her ability to do the things she’d like to. She generally needs to allow time in advance of, and after, anything that requires significant mental, physical, or emotional energy.

8. I can’t do it

There are some things we’re incapable of doing, no matter how much we’d like to. That’s not a comfortable message. We’re indoctrinated to believe we can do anything if we want it enough and are prepared to do the necessary work, navigating or pushing aside the obstacles in our way. Obstacles such as stigma, discrimination, and oppression deserve to be challenged and overcome, but the idea we can do anything we want is naive, unkind, and unhelpful. Refusing to acknowledge our lives’ boundaries can breed dissatisfaction and resentment. It also prevents us from living our best lives. Saying I can't do that isn’t defeatist or self-limiting if it’s grounded in reality. We’re not letting ourselves down, or failing at life. Accepting that some things aren’t going to happen can bring peace because we’re no longer spending time and energy chasing things that will never be. It allows us to focus on and work towards the things we can achieve. Our first best destiny, if you will.

9. I don’t want to give up

The hardest choice of all is saying no to something that seems the best or only option, but is potentially dangerous. I’ve no personal experience of suicidal thinking or self-harm, but I’ve learned how desperately hard it can be to stay safe. Just don't might seem insensitive and naive in that context, but anything that helps weigh the scale towards safety counts as a reason not to do the unsafe thing. I’m reminded of the lyrics to Peter Gabriel’s “Don’t Give Up,” with its list of reasons to stay in the game, to stay safe, to stay alive.

’Cause you have friends.
You’re not beaten yet.
I know you can make it good.
You still have us.
’Cause somewhere there’s a place where we belong.
You’re not the only one.
We’re proud of who you are.

My favourite version of the song is Gabriel’s duet with Kate Bush, but his 1990 performance with Sinead O’Connor carries fresh poignancy after her recent death. Every person and situation is different, but staying safe is likely to involve more than not doing the unsafe thing. It very likely involves choosing to do something protective, such as seeking help and support. This in itself is an act of courage and deserves to be recognised as such.

10. I did it and I want a medal

A funny one to finish with. If you’re planning to do something just to look good or brag about it afterwards, maybe JUST DON’T. It’s not a good look, as Ellie Taylor relates in this excerpt from the BBC’s satirical news show The Mash Report. It opens with the line, “A man has sorted out one thing and now wants a fucking medal for it.” Joking aside, it’s worth examining our motives if we find ourselves doing things performatively just to boost our egos or elevate ourselves above others.

Over to You

In this post I’ve shared ten reasons not to do something. Can you think of an occasion when you had to decline an invitation, or say no to something you wanted to do? What about times when you felt obligated to do something you didn’t want to do? How did it feel? How did you handle it? Fran and I would love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by James Orr at Unsplash.

 

Examine Your Shoulds: Why It's a Word You Shouldn't Use

So again, it’s time to examine your “shoulds.” “Shoulds” are so often the assimilated wants of other people and of your culture.

— Philippa Perry, The Guardian, October 17, 2021

This article was inspired by a short exchange on social media. I said I’d completed one blog post and was pondering what to write next. A friend replied: “Write about pondering what to write!” It brought a smile, reminding me of the time I was struggling to write, and ended up writing about exactly that. I smiled too, because I’d had to consciously avoid saying “I’m pondering what I should write about next.” That word — should — slips so readily into our sentences, even when we know we should avoid it. Ooops. See what I mean?

Perhaps you’re wondering what all the fuss is about. What’s wrong with should? It’s a word. It is, indeed. It can be used in a variety of ways but they tend to fall into one of two categories.

• Implying a sense of duty or imperative. (I should have phoned my mother yesterday.)
• Implying a sense of what will probably happen. (I think it should rain this afternoon.)

I’m going to focus on the first of those. It’s easy to tell when we’re using the word this way because there are implied rules or standards, consequences, and judgments. 

Statement: I should have phoned my mother yesterday.

Rule: family members are expected to be there for each other.

Consequence: disappointment, guilt, censure.

Judgment: I’m a bad person.

Let’s take a look at this in a little more detail.

Rules and Standards

If we were clear about the rules and standards were invoking, I’d have less of an issue with the word should. The problem is, they mostly go unspoken because we assume they’re obvious, absolute, and universal. More often than not, this is not the case. The rules I’m thinking about come in three main flavours: legal, moral and religious, and societal or cultural.

Legal rules

These are the most straightforward. You shouldn’t steal because it’s illegal and if you get caught you could face penalty or jail. You shouldn’t kill, injure, or assault people, for the same reason. Legal rules are more or less obvious, in that we tend to know and understand the laws that govern us. They are absolute and not open to individual interpretation. In principle at least, they apply universally within the relevant jurisdiction. We may be ignorant of the law, or choose to disobey the rules, but we cannot exempt ourselves from them.

Moral and religious rules

Expressed simply, these rules cover how “good people” and “bad people” behave. More generally, they define what we mean by good and bad. Excluding any which may be enshrined in law, they are matters of personal choice, acceptance, and adherence. Whatever your upbringing, beliefs, and opinions, it’s unwise — and frankly disrespectful — to assume other people adhere to exactly the same rules you do.

Cultural and societal rules

These include the often unspoken rules of acceptable (or civilised) behaviour. There may be an overlap with those in the moral/religious sphere, but these tend to be more local or even personal in nature. Organisations, social groups, and communities often have their own standards of behaviour. Some may be written down, such as workplace policies on time-keeping, absence, dress code, bullying, and harassment. Others are generally undocumented but no less important, such as water-cooler etiquette, the taking of coffee or smoking breaks, or any of a hundred unspoken rules that will be familiar to anyone working in that environment. Within the group, they’re accepted as “how things are.”

Why Does This Matter?

We absorb and adapt the rules we’re presented with. We may reject, ignore, or adapt some, justifying this to ourselves as being pragmatic or sensible. These modified rules become part of our personal rule book, governing how we believe it’s acceptable to behave.

Every should (or shouldn’t) is a judgment on our behaviour or the behaviour of others. It’s valid to hold people to account, but we cannot assume someone acknowledges, accepts, or adheres to the same rules and standards. What is obviously the right thing to me may be irrelevant or invalid to you, and vice versa.

This is a problem, because judging people against rules they neither recognise nor accept is the basis of stigma, discrimination, and division. From the opposite perspective, being held accountable to other people’s rules fosters resentment, anger, guilt, worthlessness, and despair.

Shoulds in the Mental Health Arena

This is never more important than when we’re talking about mental health. It’s natural to want to help when someone we know is struggling, but well-meaning comments and suggestions are rendered toxic by the injudicious use of should.

You should call the doctor.

You should take your meds.

You should go for a walk.

You should tidy this place, it’s a mess.

None of these statements makes clear what rule is being broken, but each implies the person is failing to care for themself properly. There’s no attempt to understand what’s going on for them, or find out what help they actually need. We may feel we’re being supportive but all we’ve conveyed is our negative judgment. All we’ve achieved is to convince the other person we’ve no idea how to help.

We can do better than this.

There’s no one right way to support someone (Fran and I wrote a book to share ways we find helpful) but here are a few alternatives that avoid the dreaded “s” word. (For a discussion of other “s” words, including stigma, suicidality, and self-harm, check this article.)

Example 1

Instead of: You should call the doctor.

Try: Things don’t seem to have improved for you in the past couple of days. Do you think it’s worth checking in with your doctor?

You might suggest arranging the appointment or going with them, if you feel that might be helpful.

Example 2

Instead of: You should take your meds.

Try: Sometimes when I have tablets from the doctor I find it hard to remember to take them at the proper times. It’s just a thought but I’m happy to message you a reminder each morning/night, if you’d find it helpful. Just let me know.

This is something I’ve asked several friends at different times. Some have been grateful to receive a reminder, others have politely declined. Be clear that you’re offering a reminder or check-in only; the responsibility for taking the medication remains with them.

Example 3

Instead of: You should go for a walk.

Try: Do you fancy some company? It’s a bit chilly out but it might be nice to go for a walk to the shops if you feel up to it. We could go for a coffee while we’re out, if you like.

It’s often said that exercise is good for our mental health. That may be true, but it’s unhelpful to tell someone they should get out more when they can barely muster the energy to get out of bed, if they are in physical pain, or live with mental or physical conditions which make it hard to be active.

Example 4

Instead of: You should tidy this place, it’s a tip.

Try: Would you like some help with decluttering or putting things away? I could come round for an hour or so tomorrow if that works for you.

Offers of practical help are likely to be far more welcome than expressions of disappointment and disgust. The other person is probably aware of what needs doing, but may feel overwhelmed at the thought of dealing with it, or not know how to start.

At all times, be aware of the implicit judgment behind your words, and the behavioural rules you’re invoking. How relevant are they to the person you’re talking to? What concern for their health, wellbeing, safety, or happiness are you trying to convey? Is there a better way of saying it? Sometimes the simplest way of rephrasing an impending should is to keep your mouth shut!

Remember that you’re sharing your opinion or personal take on things. Invite the other person’s opinion and be open to the possibility they may disagree.

It seems to me that ...

What I’m thinking is ...

From my perspective ... But maybe you see things differently?

When you did that last time, things didn’t seem to work out the way you hoped they would. Is that right?

Express your thoughts and concerns, and explain what you see as potential consequences. But don’t guilt-trip them into complying with your wishes just because you disagree with how they’re living their life. They may have far more going on in their lives than you’re aware of or can understand.

The only exception is where you believe they may be in crisis or at risk of harming themselves or others. That is a judgment call and you won’t always get it right, but if the situation appears critical encourage them to engage with appropriate support. You may need to do so yourself if they’re unable or unwilling. You can find a range of international crisis and support lines on our resources page.

Don’t Should Yourself

I’ve focused on using (or rather, trying not to use) the word should when talking to other people, but the arguments are just as valid when we’re talking to or about ourselves.

It’s easy to tell ourselves we should do this or that, or should have behaved differently in the past, without realising what rules we’re holding ourselves to, or why. There’s a strong possibility they’re rules we grew up with, or accepted along the way, without ever challenging them or checking if they remain valid for us. Behavioural rules are often based on putting other people’s needs before our own. Ask yourself who the rules benefit, especially if you find yourself feeling guilty because you can’t live up to them.

That doesn’t mean rejecting all rules out of hand, of course. Like the stories we tell ourselves, we’ve acquired them for a reason and many will still be relevant, appropriate, or necessary. Whether legal, moral, or cultural, they’re part of the structure or our lives, our societies, and our world.

This article isn’t really about the word should at all. It’s a word. Use it if you must. Just be clear about which rules are important to you, and accept that not everyone’s going to agree with you. And be gentle, with other people and yourself. No one gets it right all the time. We break the rules, for a thousand reasons; some justifiable, some not so much. Being told we should have done differently is never kind, empathetic or helpful.

So, the next time you’re about to should yourself or someone else, stop. Take a breath. Consider what you really want to say, and express it differently.

You really should.

 

Photo by TungCheung, with thanks to Janet Coburn for help sourcing the image.