Gum on My Shoe

The inspiration for this article was a conversation I had with Fran a few weeks ago. We were discussing the nature of friendship, help, and support when she suggested that “the need to be useful is a sign of insecurity.” I knew exactly what she meant. Most of my life has been spent trying to satisfy a need within me to be of use, help, and value to other people. It’s not that this impulse is wrong or necessarily unhealthy, of course. Eleanor Roosevelt asserted that “[u]sefulness, whatever form it may take, is the price we should pay for the air we breathe and the food we eat and the privilege of being alive.” The Dalai Lama went further. “What is the meaning of life?” he asked. “To be happy and useful.” With that in mind, it might seem surprising that the Nonviolent Communication (NVC, sometimes called compassionate communication) model doesn’t mention usefulness explicitly in its Needs Inventory . The closest need is support, listed in the Connection section alongside appreciati...

Loneliness is the feeling we experience when there is a mismatch between the social connections we have and those that we need or want. — Mark Rowland, CEO, Mental Health Foundation I’m grateful to my friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson of I’m NOT Disordered for inspiring this post. The theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week is loneliness. I can’t always draw on my lived experience when discussing mental health, but loneliness is something I know first-hand. I think that’s true of everyone. We’ve all been lonely at some time in our lives, and yet each of us experiences it in our own way. Perspectives of Loneliness Keen to elicit some different perspectives, I posted a request on social media for contributions on the theme of “what does loneliness mean to me?” I received some brilliant and heart-moving responses. “Loneliness is feeling like no one in the world could possibly understand you or what you’ve been through.” (Aimee) “Loneline...

I’ve played Taylor Swift’s most recent album Evermore a lot since it came out in December. Four lines in particular caught my attention, from the song “Marjorie.” Never be so kind You forget to be clever Never be so clever You forget to be kind Let’s take a look at what it means to be kind and clever; clever and kind. Never Be So Kind You Forget to Be Clever I mentioned my idea for an article inspired by these lyrics to my friend and fellow blogger Aimee Wilson of I’m NOT Disordered . She immediately understood what I meant. “Maybe something like the importance of looking after yourself whilst supporting someone else?” “Yes! That’s exactly the sort of thing I was thinking about. Being there / being helpful / being kind on the one hand, but also being “clever” about boundaries. There can be an uneasy balance between wanting to be kind on the one hand and being clever (or wise) about it on the other. It might appear a good thing to be relentlessly and selflessly kind, bu...

Help when you can. Be there when you can. Encourage when you can. A truly happy life comes from giving more than you take . That anonymous quotation came up in my social media feed the other day. On the surface, it’s a straightforward encouragement to help people because it’s good for us to do so. There are three separate elements to it, though, each of which deserves exploring. Offer what people need Offer when you can Enjoy the rewards Let’s take a look at them in a little more detail. Offer What People Need The quotation doesn’t simply say help people, it suggests offering practical help, offering our presence, and offering encouragement. The point is there are different ways to support people, and it’s important to match what we offer with what will help them best. I’m reminded of a maxim of Fran’s that I find really helpful: Give people what they need. Not what you need to give them. It’s easy to skip the first part and leap in with whatever assistance we think is ...

I’m going to talk about a few things said to me over the years by people who have what I do not: lived experience of mental illness. They’ve been hard to hear but I’m grateful because I’ve learned something valuable each time. “You don’t understand” They say we all have mental health but as Fran and I describe in our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder there’s a fundamental difference in experience between someone like Fran who lives with mental illness and someone like me who never has. Well or ill, we are all people. Nevertheless, it is naive, disrespectful, and dangerous to downplay the impact illness has on those affected by it. Those who are ill […] have particular life experiences, perceptions, expectations, and needs. To use Fran’s terminology, she is the ill one in our relationship; I am the well one. Nothing more or less is implied by our use of these terms. High Tide, Low Tide , Introduction So when someone tells me I don’t un...

This important principle reminds us not to hold too tightly to people, relationships, and situations. Healthy things grow, and to grow is to change. In the time we have known each other Fran has moved from mania to depression and out again. She has grown in self-awareness, and developed tools for looking after herself. I have learned a great deal about what it is like for someone living with illness, and how to respond to Fran’s needs and the needs of others. At times Fran needs me close beside her, at other times she needs space to grow independently. “Open hands” recognises that change is natural, healthy, and necessary. It gives us permission to grow without feeling guilty or restricted. Imagine holding a small bird in the palm of your hand. It feels safe, protected, and cared for, but it is free to move, to grow, and even to fly away. “Open arms” reminds us that, no matter what happens, we will always welcome each other back as friends. “Open heart” connects our friends...

Thursday February 7 2019 is #TimeToTalk Day , an annual event organised by Time to Change to focus attention on mental health. (Time to Change was formed in 2009 by MIND and Rethink Mental Illness , with the aim of reducing mental health-related stigma and discrimination.) Some feel that awareness campaigns trivialise the lived experience of people with serious mental illness, giving the impression that talking to someone or going for a walk can fix things, or take the place of professional treatment and support. I wholeheartedly agree that a chat with a friend or a breath of fresh air is never going to cure anyone. But I do believe—as the following quotation from Time to Change makes clear—there is much we can do to lessen the burden of isolation and misunderstanding. Conversations about mental health change lives. At the moment, too many people with mental health problems are made to feel isolated, ashamed and worthless by other people’s reactions. But talking about mental h...

Monday July 9, 2018 Dear Fran It is 7:10 p.m. here in the UK. 2:10 p.m. with you in Maine. This hour is our hour. Usually we would be on Skype, catching up on our news and our plans. Just hanging out together, as friends do the world over no matter where they live or how far apart in miles those places might be. This isn’t a normal week, though, is it? I am on vacation here at Ambleside in the English Lake District. Travel – on either my part or yours – inevitably means some disruption to our routine. One Skype call per day instead of two, for example. Or shorter calls. Occasionally none. That used to hurt. These days not. Or not so much. We have learned to trust. We are doing okay so far this week! We had video calls on Saturday and Sunday evenings, down by the jetty opposite the fish and chip shop. It is always fun to be on with you when I am “out and about,” able to not merely tell you what’s going on for me but show you. The lake here at Ambleside (technically, where we...

When Fran and I were developing the ideas for our book I kept a series of “Scrapbook” documents. In them I recorded anything that occurred in our lives which seemed relevant and might prove useful or helpful. Excerpts from our conversations, social media chat, and emails; snippets from my personal journal; ideas and questions; links to websites, books, and other reference material. This post is taken from notes made in December 2012, with a few minor edits for clarity. Frustration and Codependency: Getting It Wrong Is Okay Thursday December 13, 2012 Last night at 11 p.m. I was waiting for Fran to get home and come online. She messaged me to say she was home and was going to send [her friend] a happy birthday message. I was happy to hear that and thought she wouldn’t be long ... then she messaged that she was going to check my Facebook Wall. I started to get impatient. I felt Fran could have come on cam with me while she did that. But I put on some gentle music and did some medi...

Samoset Resort, Rockport, Maine Well, Fran and her folks made it to Samoset! Given the appalling weather (“bomb cyclone”) that has hit America’s East Coast in the past few days, Christa and Gary made decent progress from their home in New Jersey to Fran’s place in Portland, Maine. They arrived around 9 p.m. my time (4 p.m. their time), then drove on to Samoset with Fran navigating. We’d Skyped earlier in the day, while Fran was waiting for them to arrive. I was glad to find her calm and prepared. Most of our focus over the past couple of months has been preparing for this trip, and then Mexico in another couple of weeks. It hasn’t always been easy for Fran, balancing her health and other needs with the seemingly endless items on our To Do lists and travel plans, but we approached it as we always do: one step at a time. I am proud of how she’s kept going. And now it’s not just something up ahead that we are planning for. It’s real. It’s happening. The weather was one thing we ha...

The traveller with bipolar disorder faces a number of challenges. Leaving behind proven routines and support structures, the journeying itself (especially if different time zones are involved), and the excitement of new places and opportunities are all intrinsically destabilising. Good planning including a Travel Wellness Plan goes a long way to mitigate the risks. Factoring in some post-vacation support is valuable too. In our book High Tide, Low Tide Fran and I describe how we managed our mutually supportive friendship whilst Fran was touring Europe with her elderly parents, as well as what happened on her return home. On that occasion, Fran couldn’t rest and recuperate, as she had to immediately look for somewhere new to live, pack up, and move home. Fortunately, not every trip is quite so traumatic! Fran has just returned from a ten day vacation with a friend to Edisto Beach in South Carolina: a round trip of 2,200 miles. She arrived home last night around 6 p.m. her time (11...

I am walking home from Tescos. It’s a little after 6 pm. I go to the store two or three evenings a week for groceries, or treats. Most times I would be pressing home, to be back in time for my Skype call with Fran at 7 pm. Not this evening, though. We’ve not fallen out or anything like that, it’s just she’s out with friends all day today while she’s having work done on her apartment. We have chatted on and off. The last time was about half an hour ago. Fran: Things are going well but I am exhausted. Horizontal day tomorrow. Marty: I’m at Tescos Fran: 1.45 movie Marty: Ooo what movie? Fran: My Cousin Rachel Marty: I will have to look it up. With J? Fran: Yes Marty: Cool We met up on Skype last night at 7 pm. We went through her checklist to make sure all the preparations were done, and she carried the laptop round the apartment so I could see the progress she’s made. We usually have another call later but didn’t last night, because there was still a lot for her to do. It’s a bea...

In a recent post I mentioned the mantra I’ve employed for the past couple of years, and chosen to carry forward into the coming year. Well boundaried. Well focused. Well challenged. Well loved . But what does it mean? The resonances have changed over the past two years, and will likely continue to change. But what does my mantra mean to me right now? Of the four statements, “well boundaried” is perhaps the least obvious, and I will devote this post to exploring its relevance. I don’t think I had ever heard of the word “boundary” in a psychological context before meeting Fran in May 2011. I can’t recall precisely when or how it came up: most likely from us discussing the various therapies Fran had undergone or was undergoing. Or perhaps one of the online meditation classes we took together. However it entered my vocabulary, it took a long time for me to see the concept of boundaries as healthy. To me, it implied an unhealthy erecting of barriers between me and the world, at a ti...