The Power of Being Heard and Understood

By Sophie Bolam

When people think about therapy, they often imagine techniques, strategies, or interventions. Whilst these things certainly have their place, one of the most important lessons I have learned throughout my career is surprisingly simple: people want to feel both heard and understood.

As a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist working with children, young people, adults and families, I have had the privilege of hearing many personal stories. Different ages, different circumstances, different challenges. Yet, beneath the surface, there is often a common theme. Many people arrive carrying not only the weight of their difficulties, but also the experience of feeling unheard, misunderstood, or alone in their experiences.

Sometimes this comes from others. Sometimes it comes from systems that were never designed with their individual needs in mind. Sometimes it comes from years of trying to explain experiences that feel difficult to put into words. This can result in people misunderstanding themselves. This is something I understand not only professionally, but personally too.

For much of my life, I experienced a sense of being different without fully understanding why. I often felt both misunderstood by others, and I struggled to understand myself. There were experiences, challenges, and patterns throughout my life that never quite seemed to fit the explanations available to me at the time.

Later in life, I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD (AuDHD) and for the first time, many pieces of my life began to make sense. Experiences that had once felt confusing could be understood through a different lens. Behaviours that I had criticised myself for could be viewed with greater compassion, and challenges that I had previously interpreted as personal failings suddenly had context.

The diagnosis did not change who I was, but it did change my understanding of who I was. This understanding profoundly changed my relationship with myself.

It influenced how I spoke to myself during difficult moments. It softened years of self-criticism. It allowed me to replace judgement with curiosity and compassion. Perhaps most importantly, it helped me recognise that many of the struggles I had experienced were not evidence that something was wrong with me, but evidence that I had spent years trying to navigate a world without fully understanding my own needs.

I sometimes reflect on how different certain experiences might have been if I had felt understood earlier in life. If the adults around me had understood and if I had understood myself. And of course, understanding does not remove challenges; but understanding can change the way we respond to them.

Being understood does not solve every problem. But it can reduce shame, increase self-compassion and help people feel less alone. I have seen first hand both personally and professionally how it can create the foundation from which meaningful change becomes possible.

This experience has shaped the way I work as a therapist. It has reinforced my belief that before people can move forward, they often need space to make sense of where they have been. Before strategies, there is often a need for understanding. Before change, there is often a need to feel heard.

Over the years, I have worked with people struggling with anxiety, OCD, trauma, emotional overwhelm, low mood, school avoidance and neurodivergence. I have sat alongside parents and carers and partners and families who desperately want to help but are unsure how. I have worked with schools trying to balance the needs of individual children with the realities of educational demands.

What I have learned is that meaningful change often begins with understanding. Before we can develop strategies, challenge thoughts, build confidence or work towards goals, there is usually a need for someone to feel genuinely heard and to have somebody ask, “What is this like for you?”

In a world that can sometimes move very quickly towards solutions, there is something powerful about slowing down enough to understand the problem first. Behaviour often tells a story before words can.

Anxiety may look like refusal.

Overwhelm may look like anger.

Low mood may look like disengagement.

Avoidance may look like defiance.

When we become curious about what sits underneath these experiences, we often discover a young person doing the very best they can with the resources available to them, and same can be said for adults. We rarely know the full story of what somebody is managing behind the scenes.

This is one of the reasons I am so passionate about helping people develop a shared understanding of mental health. Whether within families, friendships, schools, workplaces or therapeutic relationships, understanding creates connection.

Throughout my work, I have seen how powerful it can be when a parent begins to understand their child’s anxiety differently. When a teacher recognises that behaviour may be communicating distress. When a friend chooses curiosity over judgement. When someone living with mental health difficulties begins to view themselves with compassion rather than criticism. These moments often become turning points.

Reading about the friendship between Marty and Fran through Gum on My Shoe, I am reminded that support is not always about having the perfect words or knowing exactly what to do. Often, it is about showing up consistently, listening openly, and remaining present even when things feel difficult.

Sometimes, the most valuable thing we can offer another person is not advice, solutions, or certainty; Sometimes it is the opportunity to feel heard, understood and accepted. And this is something that I hope I can bring to Sophie Bolam CBT.

“A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference.” — Eeyore

“The things that make me different are the things that make me.” — Piglet

“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” — Christopher Robin

About the Author

Sophie Bolam is a BABCP accredited Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and Registered Mental Health Nurse with experience supporting children, young people, adults, and families across a wide range of mental health settings.

For further information and to contact Sophie visit www.sophiebolamcbt.co.uk.

 

Photo by Ales Maze at Unsplash.