What Do You Say When You Don't Know What to Say?

TW: Mention of suicide, self-harm, rape, and abuse

One of my best friends suffered a bereavement recently. We’d been in touch through it all. I knew pretty much how she was feeling. She knew I cared. And yet I hesitated when I saw the social media post announcing her loss. What could I say that would mean anything to her? I might have scrolled away and yet it felt wrong to do so. I learned long ago that there are socially acceptable words for such occasions. Thinking of you. You are in my thoughts. They will be missed. I settled on “So sorry for your loss.”

Such words acknowledge the moment and allow you to move forward. They’re safe, at a time when people are understandably vulnerable. American writer Sandy Hall claimed that “Sometimes it’s better to say something stupid than nothing at all” but a little thought goes a long way. What works for one person might be unhelpful to someone else, so err on the side of caution unless you know the person well. Some words will never be appropriate. “Everything happens for a reason.” (No it doesn’t.) “They are in a better place.” (Hard to hear when you feel the best place is still here with you.) “I know how you feel.” (No you don’t. You really really don’t.)

Knowing what to say when someone is bereaved isn’t easy but there are guidelines. Templates and suggestions. Condolence and In Deepest Sympathy cards with preprinted words for when you can’t find your own. But there are some situations for which there are no template responses. No socially acceptable words. No cards on the supermarket shelf. What do you say when someone tells you they were raped or abused as a child? What do you say when you take the call and your friend is waiting for an ambulance because they took an overdose or cut themself? What do you say when it’s not a loved one they’re mourning but who they might have been if life had been different? What words can you find for the friend who’s lost their reason for being here?

These aren’t theoretical or even rare scenarios. I’ve experienced them all more than once and with different people. The statistics for mental illness, suicidality, self-harm, rape, and abuse speak for themselves. Your friends. Your partner. Your family members, colleagues, the person sat next to you on the bus or at the next table in the coffee shop. If no one’s ever discussed these things with you it’s not because no one you know has experienced them. Something of this kind might come up in conversation tomorrow. Would you know what to say if it did?

It’s never easy but I find three things helpful. The first is that it’s okay not to know what to say. This is especially true if you have no equivalent experience to draw on. I wrote about this recently in How to Be There for a Friend When You Don’t Understand. You’re not failing your friend if you admit you can’t find the words. “I don’t know what to say but I’m here” is honest and means as much as anything else you might think of to say.

The second reminder is to listen. What your friend is dealing with may be difficult for you to hear but give them space to share what they need to share. You might be the only person they have to open up to. Don’t interrupt with questions — there will be time for that later — or try and shift the conversation to yourself or topics you’re more comfortable with. If you find this difficult our analogy of standing beside a waterfall might help. You can read about it in Teardrops and Waterfalls: Holding Space for a Friend.

The third thing I find helpful is to ask myself what my friend needs most in that moment. Often what we need more than anything else — more than advice or platitudes or even someone agreeing with us — is to be seen and heard. To be believed. To be told that our experiences are real, our feelings valid. I explored this in more detail in I Believe You. It wasn’t Your Fault. You Are not Alone. Being There for a Friend Who’s Survived Rape or Sexual Abuse.

Above all, let your friend know that whatever they’ve shared with you won’t affect your friendship or your commitment to each other. Maybe you won’t know what to say the next time either but knowing there will be a next time, that you’ll still be there and still care, will mean far more to your friend than anything you might think of to say.

Over to You

In this post I’ve talked about how I approach situations where I don’t know what to say in response to something a friend is going through or has chosen to share with me. How do you handle such situations? Do you know what to say? If you’re sharing difficult news or feelings what do you hope to hear back from the person you’re talking to? What doesn’t work for you? What’s the best thing someone’s said to you in circumstances such as these? Fran and I would love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Marko Sokolovic at Unsplash.