Gum on My Shoe

By Sophie Bolam When people think about therapy, they often imagine techniques, strategies, or interventions. Whilst these things certainly have their place, one of the most important lessons I have learned throughout my career is surprisingly simple: people want to feel both heard and understood. As a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist working with children, young people, adults and families, I have had the privilege of hearing many personal stories. Different ages, different circumstances, different challenges. Yet, beneath the surface, there is often a common theme. Many people arrive carrying not only the weight of their difficulties, but also the experience of feeling unheard, misunderstood, or alone in their experiences. Sometimes this comes from others. Sometimes it comes from systems that were never designed with their individual needs in mind. Sometimes it comes from years of trying to explain experiences that feel difficult to put into words. This can result in people mi...

Falling this year on February 1, Time to Talk Day is dedicated to countering the stigma surrounding mental health. Last year, I discussed some of the reasons we might not want to talk about how we’re feeling. This time, I want to explore something that’s rarely discussed in the context of conversations about mental health: repetition. UK readers of a certain age may recall a catchphrase from the sitcom ’Allo ’Allo! , which ran from 1982 to 1992: “Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.” Sometimes, though, our message isn’t fully received at the first attempt. Being prepared to say things more than once can make all the difference. These thoughts were inspired by a recent video call with my friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson, who blogs at I’m NOT Disordered . We were talking about her experiences with the crisis team, specifically the initial conversation with the person who answers the phone. At times, these conversations have not gone well and we dis...

Please be patient with me. Sometimes when I’m quiet it’s because I need to figure myself out. It’s not because I don’t want to talk. Sometimes there are no words for my thoughts. — Kamla Bolanos Having friends you trust and feel safe with is hugely important to our mental health and wellbeing. That usually means people we can talk to when we’re unwell, low, stressed, anxious, frustrated, or angry. Sometimes, though, we need people who can be there for us when we don’t want to talk about how we’re feeling. This isn’t as easy or obvious as it seems because we often hide how we’re feeling. Like most of us, I do the faking fine thing. I tell people I’m fine when I’m not, or downplay how I’m doing. That might be because I know the feeling’s going to shift on its own, because I want to figure things out for myself, or to avoid being bombarded with questions, suggestions, and fixes. I’m okay with that, but it feels better when I don’t have to fib. Sometimes, I want to let my frien...

This article is excerpted from chapter 1, “The Caring Friendship: Key Skills and Attitudes,” of our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder . Photo by nonresident on Unsplash. No matter who we are, we all assume various roles in our relationships with others. At different times, Fran and I have used a variety of labels to clarify our respective roles. These include friend, best friend, listener, confidant, teacher, balancer, haven, gate-keeper, and advocate. The three most fundamental are listener, balancer, and haven. Being a Good Listener Being a good listener is a very specific skill; knowing a person well and caring about them does not necessarily make the role easier. Four key points help me focus on what is important. Don’t interrupt. Remember it’s their story, not yours. Save your judgments for later. Don’t try to fix everything. Don’t Interrupt It is hard to listen to someone in distress—especially a friend or loved one—witho...

It’s been quite a week, one way or another. At times I’ve been as low and despairing as I have in months; at others I’ve felt grounded and whole. Here are ten things I’ve learned about myself in the process. Maybe some of them will resonate with you too. 1. Things Are Shitty Sometimes It’s rare for me to feel so low, stressed, or overwhelmed that it interferes with my day-to-day life. Mostly I move through upsets and difficulties fairly smoothly. But sometimes even my tried and tested strategies for making it through bad days fail me. The best thing I can do then is accept I’m struggling. That’s not easy, because my life is generally stable and secure. I have a home, a family, a job, financial security, amazing friends, and decent health. What is there for me to feel overwhelmed by, anxious or low about? I’m aware of the danger such thinking presents, however. “I’ve no right to be struggling” stops people seeking the help they might need. So yes, my life gets shitty too someti...

I’m going to talk about a few things said to me over the years by people who have what I do not: lived experience of mental illness. They’ve been hard to hear but I’m grateful because I’ve learned something valuable each time. “You don’t understand” They say we all have mental health but as Fran and I describe in our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder there’s a fundamental difference in experience between someone like Fran who lives with mental illness and someone like me who never has. Well or ill, we are all people. Nevertheless, it is naive, disrespectful, and dangerous to downplay the impact illness has on those affected by it. Those who are ill […] have particular life experiences, perceptions, expectations, and needs. To use Fran’s terminology, she is the ill one in our relationship; I am the well one. Nothing more or less is implied by our use of these terms. High Tide, Low Tide , Introduction So when someone tells me I don’t un...

I am grateful to Vikki Beat for our recent conversation at Caffe Nero which led to me writing this up. It’s no secret that Fran and I spend a lot of time talking together but it took a while for me to recognise that not all conversations are the same. Different people have different ways of talking, of course, but aside from that there are distinct types of conversation depending on what the people involved need at the time. Here are three distinct types we have found useful. I’d love to know if they resonate for you – or if they don’t! Let’s talk! “My Turn, Your Turn.” This is the type of conversation that comes most naturally to me, whether face-to-face (in person or on a video call), on the telephone, or in online chat. It consists of short alternating exchanges, one person speaking for a moment or two then letting the other take a turn. It works well (at least for me) where you are “shooting the breeze”, making plans, or sharing things on a fairly surface-y level. What I had ...

By Sarah Fader Everyone has their own darkness Mine is outside of my skin at times Creeping slowly around the confines of my mouth not allowing me to speak only telling me to feel what I don’t want to feel. You see my dark and also the light even when it’s hard to find even when it’s invisible to everyone around me. That is your power That is your gift You sit quietly Listening as she talks she cries she needs you and you’re not afraid in fact you embrace the raw feelings. I’m relieved to know that there are people like you in the world Thank you for loving without question and embracing us without fear. Don’t change who you are Ever And Keep listening It matters. &nbsp Sarah Fader is the CEO and Founder of Stigma Fighters , a non-profit organization that encourages individuals with mental illness to share their personal stories. Like six million other Americans, Sarah lives with panic disorder. Through Stigma Fighters, she hopes to change the ...

Spoiler alert : this post touches on aspects of the British television crime drama “Shetland.” Photo credit: Doris Pecka . Fran and I watch a lot of tv and movies together. Our talking done for the evening, Fran turns her laptop (and thus me) to face her television and we settle down to Netflix, a DVD, or occasionally a tv show. We can see each other reflected in the screen: Fran on her couch and me in my desk chair. We might comment on what’s going on or ask a question but it’s hard to hear each other unless Fran pauses the show. So for the most part we sit and watch – and listen – in companionable silence. It sometimes feels like we do this a bit much. We used to talk more, sharing what had gone on for us that day or making plans for whatever was coming up. We still do that, of course, just less than we did. There are reasons for the change, not least the fact that Fran’s fatigue has been especially hard on her this year. By the time we get together of an evening she is often ...

By Roiben Trigger Warning : Before reading this post, take a moment to consider its contents: it discusses Suicide and Mental Illness. If reading about Suicide is likely to make you feel worse, or trigger any urges to cause yourself harm, I ask that you simply look away from this post until a time when you feel more able to handle it. Depression (and Mental Illness as a whole) is a thief and a murderer. It steals everything, little by little. Your self-worth, your enjoyment of your hobbies, your energy and motivation and then, at its worse, it can steal the will to live. The very spark of life goes out and existing becomes harder and harder to justify. Your mind screams at you to end it now! To stop the suffering. Before you know it, you are planning your very demise. The end of you. You obsess over the many methods, whether “accidents” like getting run over by a car or train. Or the more planned occurrences: The overdose, the cuts, the alcohol, the ligature. All call to you, t...