Writing the Foreword for My Friend's Book

Foreword /ˈfɔːwəːd/
Noun: a short introduction to a book, typically by a person other than the author.

Would you mind writing a foreword for me?

I was happy and proud earlier this year when my friend Aimee Wilson invited me to write the foreword for her new book You’re NOT Disordered: The Ultimate Wellbeing Guide for Bloggers. It was a great honour and responsibility, and something I took very seriously. I remember when Fran and I were looking for someone to write the foreword for our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder. It was important to find someone we trusted, who also had relevant experience and standing. For Aimee to extend me that degree of trust meant a great deal, not least because I knew how important her writing in general — and this book in particular — was to her.

I’d reviewed Aimee’s previous book Everything Disordered: A Practical Guide to Blogging but this was different and I took care to do the very best job I could for my friend. As a blogger myself, I’m very conscious of the pressure and stresses it can involve. Some issues are more obvious than others, some problems are bigger than others, but there’s very little out there to guide you through such predicaments. As far as I’m aware, there isn’t another book on the market addressing blogging from a wellbeing perspective. That’s why You’re NOT Disordered is so important and valuable.

With more than ten years’ experience running a very successful blog, Aimee is ideally qualified to write on this subject. At the time of writing, her blog I’m NOT Disordered tops the Feedspot listing of UK Borderline Personality Disorder blogs. She’s collaborated with numerous charities, companies, and organisations. She’s also appeared on television and radio, and featured in newspaper articles and magazines. She’s drawn on all this experience and more in writing her new guide on wellbeing for fellow bloggers.

Aimee and I met in early 2016 at a volunteer event for UK mental health charity Time to Change. At that time Aimee had been blogging for three years, me a little less. Despite the fact that we both blog in the mental health arena, we approach even the same topics differently, reflecting our personal perspectives and life experience. What we do have in common are the many challenges which anyone who blogs will understand. Blogging can be a lonely pursuit, and it helps enormously to have someone who understands what we’re going through. Aimee’s helped me many times on all kinds of levels. Through her new book, she’s making that experience and wisdom available to others.

Fran and I were very fortunate to have best-selling author and mental health advocate Rachel Kelly write the foreword for our book. I hope Aimee is just as pleased with her choice! I enjoyed the opportunity immensely and wish her every success with You’re NOT Disordered: The Ultimate Wellbeing Guide for Bloggers. I’m certain I’ll use it a lot to help keep me on track.

 

You’re NOT Disordered: The Ultimate Wellbeing Guide for Bloggers is available from Amazon. You can follow Aimee Wilson on her blog I’m NOT Disordered and on Twitter/X (@aimes_wilson).

Photo by Aimee Wilson.

Originally published at I’m NOT Disordered.

 

Six Times I Felt Proud This Week

I see you. I see your strength and courage, your hesitations and fears. I see the way you love others, and your struggle to love yourself. I see how hard you work to grow, and your dedication to heal. (Scott Stabile)

A couple of years ago in I’m Proud of You: Four Words That Mean So Much I talked about feeling proud of other people and ourselves. Picking up on that theme, I’d like to share six times I’ve felt proud in the past week.

1. Completing my blog post for World Mental Health Day

World Mental Health Day falls each year on October 10 and I’m happy (and proud!) to say I finished my blog post early this year. That was partly because I’d been invited to write something for WMHD for the disability network at work (shout out to Debbie for inviting me to contribute!) and I needed to submit in plenty of time. A slightly modified version will go up here on our blog too, so getting it finished this week means I’m ahead of the game here too. No spoilers, but the piece is slightly different from articles I’ve written for WMHD and other awareness days and events in the past, in that I take a broader look at mental health than usual. It may need a few edits before it goes up but Debbie loved it and that makes me proud too, because I value her opinion very highly.

2. Handling things at work

My official job title is associate I.T. service manager but I find it hard to associate (pun intended) those words with what I do. Those with experience of the UK civil service will recognise my grade of Higher Executive Officer (HEO), but my role and responsibilities bear little relation to those of an HEO in other areas of the organisation. I sometimes feel in limbo, just passing the time until I retire in a few years. This week, though, I had some good days where I felt fully engaged in the work and found myself moving seamlessly between various tasks, meetings, requests, and challenges, discharging each of them in turn to the best of my ability. I’m proud of myself for that.

3. My friend Louise

I’m immensely proud of my friend Louise for how she handled being parted from her phone for almost a week! I’m proud too of how well we worked together, exploring options and then tracking her phone as it made its way back to her. It was a lot of fun and I think contributed to making an adventure out of what could easily have been a really stressful and frustrating experience for her. Heck, I was stressed on her behalf! There’s definitely a lesson there for me, to allow things to be how they are and explore ways forward, rather than getting too caught up in the drama.

4. Making a start in the garden

I’m not much of a gardener, and over the past year or so the back garden in particular has become somewhat overgrown. Not a cosy, hedgehog-friendly, BBC Autumn Watch kind of overgrown, although we have had little spiky visitors in the past. More Little Shop of Horrors meets Day of the Triffids. The ivy in particular has been threatening to make a bid for freedom. In doing so, it’s encroached on the pavement and passageway beyond the garden fence.

Finally, this week, I made a start at cutting it back and returning things to some sort of order. It was a chore, and there’s a lot more work to do out there, but I found myself enjoying it. It brought back memories of working out there day after day through the spring and summer of 2020. With the country under lockdown there was little else to do besides working from home, twice weekly trips to the supermarket, and local walks for exercise. Working in the garden gave me a focus I found really helpful. I’d forgotten how that felt.

5. Prioritising myself

I’ve kept in touch with people this week, but I’ve also paid attention to my needs and priorities. That’s included blocking out off-screen time of an evening, as well as time and space for writing and other things. I’ve been gentle with myself when I’ve felt tired or lacked motivation, and pressed on with things when the energy and opportunity was there. I don’t always do that and I’m proud of myself for doing so.

6. My friends

I mentioned Louise earlier, but at different times and for different reasons this week I’ve had cause to feel proud of several of my friends, and to tell them so. I won’t mention names because not all might appreciate the call-out, but you’ll know who you are if you read this. “I’m proud of you” can come across as insincere, an easy dismissal of the actual challenges someone has faced or is facing. That’s something I described in the blog piece I mentioned earlier. I hope the people I’m thinking about were and are able to accept my expressions of pride in the spirit in which they’re offered. I’m reminded of the RØRY song Small Victories:

Some people climbed Mount Everest today, made history
While I was still asleep
At least I made my bed today
Small victories, mhm

Those lyrics resonate for me because as an armchair (actually, rocking chair) adventurer I watch a lot of mountaineering videos and documentaries. That kind of achievement is beyond me on every level. But big or small (and, really, who is to judge the scale of such things?) the things I do, the things my friends do, the things you do are worthy of acknowledgement and celebration.

Be proud of yourself today. I am.

 

Photo by Daniel McCullough at Unsplash.

 

Erich Brenn Would Be Proud: How I Keep My Plates Spinning (Mostly)

As regular readers will know, I recently bought a new pair of glasses. I couldn’t be happier but there were a few issues at first. New glasses can lead to headaches until your eyes adjust. The frames sit differently on my face too and I had some pain across the bridge of my nose as they settled into place. They’re fine now but for the first week or two I occasionally reverted to wearing my old glasses for a few hours. Doing so was a trade-off between seeing clearly, and seeing less clearly but with less discomfort.

It got me thinking about how life is often a compromise between caring for some aspects of our health and wellbeing at the expense of others. The trick is not to ignore any one aspect for so long so that it becomes critical. It’s an ongoing challenge to keep all my plates spinning, to borrow an analogy from my friend Maya. If you’re unfamiliar with the reference, check out this video of plate spinning maestro Erich Brenn. My plates are many and varied but I can group them into three categories: physical, mental, and emotional.

Physical

I usually get between six and seven hours sleep a night. This works well enough but leaves me running a slight sleep deficit. I’ve a pretty high tolerance to physical tiredness, but every now and again it catches up with me. My wake up time is dictated by my work schedule, and I hate going to bed early because it always feels like I’m short-changing myself on the day! If I’m really tired I might retire early for a few nights, but that’s about it.

I’m talking here about the kind of physical tiredness that’s refreshed by resting and sleep. Fran and a number of my other friends live with health conditions that often leave them extremely fatigued and low-to-empty in terms of physical and mental energy. For them, rest isn’t a luxury or something that can be indefinitely deferred. It’s an essential part of how they manage their symptoms. That might involve spending hours if not days in bed or on the couch, or withdrawing from all but absolutely essential activities until things improve.

Fran and I sometimes find ourselves in need of rest at the same time, and take the opportunity to share some shut-eye time together on our regular video calls. I wrote about the first time this happened in a blog post about how sharing quiet moments can deepen your friendship. We still do this when we’re tired and in need of a little time out. I find it really helpful. It’s the only time I give myself permission to doze or even close my eyes during the day.

Mental

I’m better at paying attention to my mental health. I tend to notice when I’m getting mentally tired, stressed, or overwhelmed and take steps to reset and recoup my energy and focus. Writing helps, whether it’s blogging or writing my personal journal. That might seem counterintuitive, but working on my latest blog post or exploring things in my journal brings my focus inwards and counters any sense of overwhelm I might be feeling.

Distraction is another useful strategy. Fran immerses herself in Netflix shows when she needs to unwind or escape intrusive or unhealthy thoughts. Other friends stream music and shows in a similar way, or use computer games as a distraction. I’m not into gaming myself, although I’ve found simple colour or shape sorting games helpful in the past. More commonly, I unwind with YouTube videos on topics such as astronomy and physics, mathematics, historical/military documentaries, and air crash investigations. Anything that bears little direct relation to what’s going on in my life at the time.

Emotional

It’s not a good idea to ignore my physical wellbeing as much as I do but I have few physical health issues and find those plates stay up there even when they’re wobbling quite a bit. Mentally, I recover fairly quickly. As long as I stay vigilant to any wobbles, I can give my mental plates a quick nudge now and again and they’ll keep spinning. It’s my emotional crockery that gives me the most concern. That might some as a surprise to some. I remember being told “you never get emotional” which is so far from the truth it would be funny if it wasn’t tragic. My emotional plates and bowls — indeed the entire vintage seventy-two piece bone china dinner service — have often been on the point of crashing spectacularly to the floor. I haven’t always got to them in time.

My key coping strategies are documented in my Wellness And Recovery Action Plan. A WRAP can cover any situations in which we find ourselves struggling or becoming unwell. Mine focuses on my emotional wellbeing because that’s what I struggle with the most. My coping strategies include talking things over with people I trust (but not over-processing); pulling back to assess what’s actually happening; temporarily withdrawing from connections and social media; listing allowed and not allowed behaviour; focusing on writing, blogging, and reading; and reminding myself how my actions are impacting others. Listening to music can be helpful but that depends on the circumstances. Music can soothe, reassure, and distract, but it can also bring memories and emotions to the surface I may not ready to deal with at the time.

Too Many Plates

I’ve focused on how I keep my plates spinning, but sometimes there’s just too much crockery up there! It’s more graceful to catch a few pieces before they fall and set them safely aside, but it’s okay if one or more end up on the floor. Maybe we took on too many tasks at once, either because we overestimated our capabilities or because we were given little opportunity to say no. Maybe we tried to handle just a little too much drama, our own or other people’s. Maybe life simply threw more at us than we could ever hope to keep going at the same time.

It can seem like the end of the world when a plate drops, but it’s rarely as desperate as it appears. Unless everything has utterly collapsed — in which case extreme self-care is what we need before we can ever think of setting up again for another go — there are still plates up there we can attend to. It may even prove easier to attend to those that remain. As for the broken items, there may still be something there worth recovering. An unattended friendship may feel like it’s over, but the break might be repaired and the connection strengthen as a result. That’s happened to me more than once. A health condition might have returned or emerged that appears awful but leads to it being properly diagnosed or treated more effectively. A personal or family crisis or loss might seem impossible to survive, yet we move through it.

The Japanese word kintsugi roughly translates as “joining with gold” and is an ancient repair technique using lacquer dusted with powdered gold to repair broken ceramic vessels. It’s often taken as a reminder that mistakes and damage are a necessary part of life. With care and loving attention they can often be repaired and even celebrated as important stages in our journey. Not all damage can be repaired, of course. Some hurts are too deep and their effects too devastating to be easily fixed or transformed into something valuable and life-affirming. Sometimes all we can do is look at the broken crockery at our feet and hope there’s someone to help us clean up the mess.

Over to You

In this article I’ve shared some of the ways I keep my plates spinning, recognising that there are times it’s neither possible nor healthy to have so many things up there at the same time. We can pay attention to this thing or that thing up to a point but sometimes it’s all too much and we need to set everything down and rest.

One way or another, most of this comes down to self-care. I’ve collected a number of articles on self-care which I find helpful. These cover practical strategies, suggestions for making a difference to your day, kindness and gratitude, music and playlists, getting out and about, and recognising that we don’t have to do everything on our own.

What techniques and strategies do you use when you find your plates wobbling? Do you recognise when you have too much going on and take steps to intervene, or do you tend to press on until everything crashes around you? Fran and I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Matthew Henry at Burst.

 

Exploring the Depths of Mental Health: Who Are You, Alone, Yourself, and Nameless?

Artificial Intelligence (AI) is a hot topic these days, so I thought I’d check it out. I downloaded an app called AI Chat and began giving it writing prompts. After a few interesting but fairly generic results, I decided to request something more specific. I chose a quotation from The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien which I’d been working with in another context. Here is the writing prompt, exactly as I presented it to AI Chat.

Write a 1200 word blog post relating to mental health, inspired by the JRR Tolkien quotation “Tell me, who are you alone, yourself and nameless?” Include a title for the blog post optimised for SEO.

I haven’t edited the resulting article in any way.

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Exploring the Depths of Mental Health: Who Are You, Alone, Yourself, and Nameless?

J.R.R. Tolkien, the beloved author of The Lord of the Rings, once asked the question: “Who are you, alone, yourself, and nameless?” This introspective query, while seemingly simple, is imbued with profound depth and complexity. In fact, it is a fundamental question that touches upon the very essence of human existence — our identity.

For many of us, mental health challenges can exacerbate this question of identity, further complicating the already murky waters of self-discovery. Whether it is anxiety or depression, bipolar disorder, or any other condition, one thing is certain — mental health issues have the power to disrupt, distort, and even dismantle our sense of self.

As someone who has experienced mental health challenges, it can be tempting to define ourselves solely through the lens of our illness. We may assume that our diagnosis is the sum total of who we are, rather than recognizing it as just one aspect of our multifaceted identity.

The truth is that our experiences, emotions, and thoughts — both negative and positive — are all valid components of our identity. To truly understand who we are, we must examine the totality of our being, including our mental health.

Mental Health and Identity

Our identity is the sum total of our experiences, beliefs, values, and attributes that make us unique. However, for individuals struggling with mental health challenges, their identity can become overwhelmingly wrapped up in their illness.

In some cases, people may feel as though their mental health struggles define them — that they are only seen as their diagnosis, rather than as a complex, multifaceted human being. This sense of identity loss can be distressing, and can even worsen symptoms of mental illness.

It can be difficult to reconcile our mental health with our sense of self, but it is necessary for a healthy, fulfilling life. We must recognize that our struggles with mental health do not define us; they are just one piece of our identity.

Additionally, we must acknowledge that mental health is not static — it can and will change throughout our lives. This means that our identity, too, is a fluid concept that can evolve over time.

By embracing the complexity of our identity, including our mental health challenges, we can move towards a greater understanding of who we are as individuals. We can also find support and compassion within our communities, knowing that we are not alone in our struggles.

Mental Health and Stigma

Unfortunately, mental health challenges are often accompanied by stigma and discrimination. This can make it difficult for individuals to seek the help they need, and it can also make it challenging to form a positive sense of self.

Stigma can lead to feelings of shame and isolation, further exacerbating existing mental health challenges. It can also perpetuate the myth that mental health struggles are a personal failing, rather than a condition that requires care and support.

To combat stigma, it is important to educate ourselves and those around us about mental health. By challenging stereotypes and misinformation, we can work towards a more compassionate and understanding society.

We must also acknowledge that mental health struggles are a common experience — one that can affect anyone, regardless of their background or circumstances. By recognizing our shared humanity, we can cultivate a sense of connection and community, rather than isolation and division.

Mental Health and Self-care

Self-care is an essential aspect of maintaining good mental health. It involves taking intentional steps to prioritize our physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

Self-care looks different for everyone — it may involve practicing yoga or meditation, getting enough sleep, seeking therapy, or engaging in creative pursuits. Whatever form it takes, self-care is an important tool for cultivating a positive sense of self and managing mental health challenges.

It is important to remember that self-care is not a selfish act. Taking care of our own well-being allows us to show up as our best selves for our loved ones and communities.

If you are struggling to prioritize self-care in your life, start small. Make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation, and seek support from loved ones or mental health professionals as needed.

Moving Forward

The journey towards understanding ourselves and our mental health is ongoing, but it is one that is worth taking. By examining the depth and complexity of our identity, we can move towards a greater sense of self-understanding and compassion.

Remember, your mental health struggles are just one aspect of your multifaceted identity. By embracing the totality of who you are, you can work towards a positive sense of self and a fulfilling, meaningful life.

As J.R.R. Tolkien once said, “Not all who wander are lost.” In the same way, our journey towards understanding ourselves and our mental health may involve wandering — but it is not a lost cause. By asking the question “Who am I, alone, myself, and nameless?” and embracing the complexity of our identity, we can move towards a more positive and hopeful future.

 

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Over to You

I chose this writing prompt because I was interested to see how the app would handle questions of identity and authenticity. I was frankly blown away at what came back. I’m interested to know what other people think of this piece in particular, and the idea of AI content in general. Incidentally, I ran the article through the AI detector at GP Zero, which accurately determined it was “likely to be written entirely by AI.”

What do you think? Is the article of interest? If I hadn’t told you, would you have suspected it was generated by an AI process rather than written by a human writer? What difference, if any, does knowing that make to you? Fran and I would love to hear your thoughts on this, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Image by Andy Kelly at Unsplash.

 

The Three Kinds of Care

By Janet Coburn

December is National Family Caregivers Month, so it seemed like a good time to talk about caregiving. In my view, there are three kinds of caregiving: giving care, receiving care and self-care.

Caregiving

Caregiving is not an easy task, no matter whether you’re a family member or a professional. With an uncommunicative person such as one with depression, it practically takes telepathy. At times it seems impossible to know what kind of care is needed. A hug? Encouragement? Alone time? Help with chores? A listening ear? My husband, who is my principal caregiver, does all those things for me.

One thing about caregiving that I learned from my parents is that caregivers need recognition, too. My mother took care of my father all through the years of the illness that killed him. He wasn’t mentally ill, but his physical needs were many. Once my mother came to me and asked if she was doing a good job of caring for him. Of course, I reassured her. The thing is, objectively she knew that she was meeting his needs well. She just needed to hear it from someone else. You can talk about not looking for external validation, but sometimes it’s the kind you really need.

Receiving Care

All caregivers need recognition, and the best kind comes from the person for whom they care. That’s not always possible. Many therapists find it inappropriate to get gifts from their clients (mine accepted a small plant graciously). But a simple holiday card can be a nice remembrance. Other recipients of care have something to offer their caregivers as well – simple human connection.

Certainly, those of us receiving care can be irritable or even angry about needing care, but some recognition from us can go a long way toward keeping our caregivers, well, caring. Kindness is reciprocal. I know it’s hard to remember that or to act on it.

I owe my husband – my primary caregiver – more than I can say. Without him, I wouldn’t be able to do what I can do – take care of paying the bills and work enough to keep us mostly current, for example. And I thank him, appreciate him, and do what I can for him. I try not to be greedy with his time and efforts – I know he has other things he’d rather be doing or needs to do for his own care. I know I don’t do nearly as much for him as he deserves.

Self Care

For people who have a mental illness, self-care can be difficult. We know what we should be doing, but it’s often difficult. It feels like self-care is just another chore, on top of all the other things we’re not able to do. If I can’t keep on top of laundry and dishes, how am I supposed to keep on top of showering? If I can’t manage to get out of bed for more than a couple of hours a day, how am I supposed to find time and motivation to exercise?

I know that self-care is important, but I have trouble doing it sometimes. I know I’m capable of it. I’m on my own while my husband is at work, and I managed to keep up self-care while he was out of town earlier this year. But somehow, I never seem to get beyond the very basics of self-care – eating and sleeping regularly. Never mind the manicures, shopping sprees, and bubble baths that some recommend. Those might require getting dressed, going out among people, and spending money. (Bubble baths don’t, of course, unless you count going out to get the bubble bath, which I do count. I sure don’t have any on hand.)

If you’re able to make even modest efforts toward self-care, make sure you give yourself a metaphorical pat on the back. Believe me, you’ve earned it.

The bottom line is this: No matter whether you give or receive care or care for yourself, you need and deserve recognition and appreciation.

Originally published in December 2022 at Bipolar Me.

 

About the Author

Janet Coburn is a freelance writer/editor with bipolar disorder, type 2. She is the author of two books: Bipolar Me and Bipolar Us.

Janet writes about mental health issues including talk therapy, medication, books, bullying, social aspects, and public policy, but mostly her own experiences with bipolar 2. As she says, “I am not an expert and YMMV – Your Mileage May Vary.”

 

Note to Self: A Few Thoughts on Self-Care and Selfishness Inspired by a Twitter Meme

Some time ago, my friend Liz Kay wrote a blog post about a “motivational” quote she’d come across that struck her as particularly unhelpful and inappropriate. I recommend checking out her post. It’s a great example of how an idea, suggestion, or piece of advice, can be interpreted very differently, depending on your personal history, lived experience, and situation. Something similar happened to me the other day.

For several years I’ve followed the Twitter account of author and entrepreneur Marsha Wright. I especially like the messages and memes that are shared every Sunday under her #ThinkBIGSundayWithMarsha hashtag. I often participate by tweeting a quote or message with that hashtag; either a quotation from our book or something by other writers. I also check the hashtag feed and retweet content I find interesting or relevant. Some of it is too upbeat, even for me (I well remember Fran calling me pathologically positive not too long after we became friends — and it wasn’t intended as a compliment!) but there’s often something I want to share. I was doing this a couple of weeks ago, when one quotation caught my eye. I read it over a couple of times, nodding to myself in recognition and agreement.

Note to self: You gotta do this for you. This is for you. This isn’t about anyone. Live for you. Honor you. Never lose sight of that.

The quotation was unattributed, but a quick search revealed it to be by botanical designer and wellness practitioner Brittany Josephina. I retweeted it and went on with my day. Later, I saw that someone had commented on my retweet. I didn’t know them personally but it was clear they’d interpreted the message very differently.

How more selfish do we need to get? Me myself and I ...

The comment took me aback. Had I got it wrong? Had I misinterpreted the meme and shared something inappropriate? I read it again. I kind of saw what the person meant, but I was still happy about sharing it. I wanted to respond in some way. What to say, though? I hadn’t really figured out what the quotation meant to me at that stage, only that it meant something. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I sent this reply:

Interesting point of view. I didn’t read it that way at all. You’ve given me something to think about. Thank you.

I wondered if I’d hear back again, and if so how they’d respond. There was nothing further that day but when I checked back in the morning I saw they’d liked my reply. The person who’d originally shared the quotation had also responded to the “selfish” comment.

I see you and if it was meant for those who already had their shit together then sure selfish it would be. It’s intended for those who don’t, those who feel they aren’t worthy of anything good, that they will never be happy, and have really low self esteem for starters. Ty friend.

I felt a mixture of emotions at seeing that. I felt validated but also slightly cheated, because they’d made the essential point I’d wanted to make — self-focus isn’t necessarily selfish — more succinctly and cogently than I’d have managed. I smiled at my discomfiture. Did it really matter who said it? I wasn’t in total agreement, though. I don’t see self-care as relevant only to a subset of people. I think in general we all “have our shit together” much of the time, but most of us have times of low self-esteeem, when we feel unworthy and overwhelmed by whatever is going on for us. For me, paying attention to my needs is an integral part of keeping my shit together.

This was getting interesting. Returning to the quotation itself, I thought about each sentence in turn. Each brought out a different aspect of self-focus and self-care.

You gotta do this for you.
If you don’t pay attention to your needs, who else is going to?

This is for you.
This is your gift to you. Not your partner, family, friends, or colleagues. You.

This isn’t about anyone [else].
There are other people in your life, but you also matter. What do you need, right now?

Live for you.
For me, this is the key message, and possibly the hardest. There are times when self-care is especially important, like when we are struggling or close to crisis. In those circumstances, extreme self-care is imperative. But it’s not just about those times. We deserve to live a life where our needs are front and centre. That way, our caring for others comes from a place of strength and stability. We care for those around us because that’s part of who we are, not in order to validate or justify our existence.

Honor you.
Acknowledge that you are worthy of your attention, focus, energy, and love. Honour your successes and achievements, but also your quirks, insecurities, and hang-ups. They get to be here too. Celebrate you.

Never lose sight of that.
It’s easy to forget this message, especially when our lives are busy and those around us seem to have more pressing needs. You matter as much as anyone else. Taking time for you is not more than you deserve.

Bringing it all together, I’d say that no matter who we are or how much we want to help other people, we also need to pay attention to our own health and wellbeing. I’m reminded of the advice they give on airplanes. In an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first, then you’re in a better position to help other people. It’s not about ignoring the needs of those around you. It’s acknowledging that your needs matter too. You matter too. Self-care isn’t selfish. This message has particular relevance to me. Lately I’ve realised I need to pay more attention to my needs, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to further explore what that looks like for me. Check out my recently compiled a list of articles on self-care for more on this topic.

There were a couple more comments on the Twitter thread. I closed by thanking everyone who had contributed.

Thanks to everyone in this little thread. It’s given me plenty to think about and inspired a new blog post. It also led me to check out the original author of the quote, Brittany Josephina. Thanks again.

In conclusion, I’d like to thank my friend and fellow blogger Liz Kay, because it was her article about memes that inspired me to explore my response to the Twitter exchange rather than dismiss it as a minor social media disagreement. Thank you, Liz.

Over to You

In this post I’ve explored my response to a quote which elicited very different reactions when it was shared on social media. What are your thoughts about this particular quotation, and affirmative or motivational memes in general? How do you feel about self-focus and self-care? Is it selfish to take time for yourself and your needs? We’d love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Tony Reid at Unsplash.

 

A Few Thoughts on Taking My Own Advice

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with my friend Brynn. I was talking about the piece I was working on at the time; a collection of articles on self-care. She asked, “Do you take your own advice?” I paused before answering. “Sometimes! You know, that’s such a great question. No one has ever asked me that before.” I knew it deserved more than a fleeting response, and resolved to explore it further. This article is my reply to Brynn, and anyone else who’s ever wondered if people who share their wisdom publically ever take their own advice.

What Kind of Advice Are We Talking About?

I’ll start by saying I don’t consider myself in the advice business. I’m wary of offering advice to anyone unless it’s been specifically asked for. For the purpose of this article I’m going to use the term as a shorthand for “ideas, suggestions, wisdom, and guidance.” I’ll focus on the contents of our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder and this blog, because that’s the context in which Brynn asked her question. First published in 2016, High Tide, Low Tide is not a how-to book. Its approach is descriptive rather than prescriptive. Fran and I wrote it hoping the lessons we’d learned and the insights we’d gained would help other people; specifically people wanting to support a friend living with mental illness. As we state in the introduction:

We hope our book will inform and inspire you. There are no steps you have to follow, or things that are guaranteed to work under all circumstances. Illness, especially mental illness, does not work that way. What works is having a framework of trust and commitment, and a menu of approaches, suggestions, and options you and your friend can explore together.

Our blog is an extension of that endeavour, albeit broader in scope and more responsive to events and new ideas. What we share, we believe in. It’s also truthful. I touched on this in a Q&A article titled Write without Fear, Edit without Mercy: Eight Questions for the Honest Blogger. Question five asked “Do You Always Tell the Truth in Your Blogging?”

I choose what I want to blog about, and what I want to share or say on that topic. There may be — and indeed are — things I choose not to write about or include, but if I write it, it’s true.

So, that’s the “advice” I’m taking about. The question remains. Do I take that advice myself? The answer I gave Brynn is still the most honest and accurate: sometimes. There’s a great deal in our book and on our blog which I refer back to and use; some rarely, others much more frequently. There are also things I hardly, if ever, use anymore. There are a few reasons, but the most fundamental is relevance. Everything we’ve shared was true and valid at the time, but situations and people change. We learn new solutions to old problems, and face challenges we’ve not previously faced.

Advice That’s No Longer Relevant

High Tide, Low Tide is based on the first four years of my friendship with Fran. For much of that time she was living through extremes of mania or depression, with suicidal thinking never far below the surface. Distance notwithstanding, I was at her side through it all, supporting her on a day-by-day, often hour-by-hour, basis. I didn’t always get things right, and neither did Fran, but we remained committed to each other and to making our friendship work. Our book was written to share what we learned in our journey together through those times.

Depression and suicidality still raise their heads from time to time, and we remain vigilant for red flag changes in symptoms or behaviour that might herald a return to more serious episodes, but Fran’s health is far more balanced these days. In particular, she’s been free of mania for some time. This was devastatingly traumatic in the early part of our friendship. These are wholly welcome and healthy changes, but they’ve inevitably led to shifts in the balance of our mutually supportive friendship. We no longer meditate together, for example, or read to each other as often as we used to. We still connect every day, but Fran is much less likely to need me outside our regular call times.

The net result is that much of the advice — the ideas and strategies — I learned and used on a regular basis are less relevant than they used to be. The advice itself remains valid, though, and I wouldn’t hesitate to turn to it again should the situation arise.

Bad Advice

The mention of valid advice invites me to consider its opposite: invalid or bad advice. I don’t believe any advice can be completely correct or universally applicable, and it’s certainly possible to employ sound advice inappropriately or out of context. Other people may disagree with my advice, opinions, or suggestions, but I can’t think of anything Fran or I have written that I’d disavow or refute.

I remain open to revising or clarifying what I’ve previously written. Someone recently questioned something I wrote a few years ago in an open letter to my father. I was grateful for the challenge, which led to a new article exploring emotional vulnerability and weakness, but I decided not to withdraw or change the original content.

There have certainly been times when I’ve ignored my own advice or followed it in ways that were clumsy or ineffective. It was important to me and Fran that we included examples of us “getting it wrong” in our book. The last thing we wanted was to give the impression we always knew what to do or say. I’ve shared several such examples on our blog, covering topics such as honesty and openness, codependency, and anger. These “bad examples” can be useful in themselves, reminding me what not to do in the future.

Advice I Still Refer to and Use

Having talked about the advice I no longer use, let’s look at what’s still relevant and useful. The principles of healthy relationships are valid no matter what’s going on for me or the people in my life, and I turn to chapter one of our book (“The Caring Friendship: Key Skills and Attitudes”) to remind myself of the basics. These include trust, openness, honesty, and a commitment to keep the channels of connection open. We’ve added new insights over the years, finding new ways to enhance our friendship, such as spending quiet time together. Everything we’ve learned about growing and maintaining a successful long-distance friendship also remains relevant; not only to me and Fran but also my other friendships.

Our book includes little about my needs beyond my role as a supportive friend. This imbalance initially carried across into our blog, but I’ve begun exploring my wellbeing and mental health in such posts as THIS BOY GETS SAD TOO, Return to Down: How My Baseline Mood Has Slipped from Positive to Low, Flatness and Disinclination, and How International Men’s Day Inspired My First Doctor’s Appointment in 30 Years. I return to them when I’m low, flat, or depressed. They help me gauge where I am compared to where I was when I wrote those articles. I turn to the range of self-care posts I’ve written to remind me of strategies that have helped me in the past.

I’ve recently begun a series of articles collecting posts on themes including self-care, open letters, and pieces written to mark mental health awareness days and events. I wanted to make it easier for people to find related content. They also make it easier for me to locate content I want to refer back to and use in my own life.

As I’ve grown in experience and confidence as a blogger, I’ve begun sharing content for other bloggers, especially those working in the mental health space. I’ve shared blog prompts, image prompts, my blogging workflow, and how to handle blogging setbacks. I refer to these myself when I’m stuck with my writing.

I mentioned changes in my friendships have made some advice less relevant than it used to be. I haven’t always found these transitions easy but I’ve taken the opportunity to explore how I handle them. Some of the articles I’ve written about that remain very relevant to me. I return to such posts as What My Mantra Means to Me: Healthy Boundaries, Supportive Disengagement: How to Be There for Your Friend When They Need Space, Spokesfriends and Insular Groups: What Kind of Support Network Do You Have?, and Too Small for Comfort: When Life Closes In On You from time to time, especially when I’m feeling disconnected or adrift.

(As Yet) Unpublished Advice

I’ve focused on our book and blog, but that’s not the sum total of my “personal wisdom.” I often turn to things I’ve discussed in chat messages, written in my personal diary, or jotted down in private notes on my phone. Some or these are too personal or raw to share publically. Others fall under the category of things I’m unlikely to blog about, as I’ve described previously.

I’m wary of writing if I have little or no experience of the subject under discussion, unless I’m presenting the insights, opinions, and accounts of others who do. [...] I mostly discuss mental illness from the perspective of a supportive friend, although in the past couple of years I’ve begun sharing aspects of my mental health.

There are topics I’d like to write about but haven’t yet found a way to approach them as I’d wish to. These include my perspective as a caring friend when someone I know has taken an overdose or harmed themself. I can’t imagine ever writing about abuse, addiction, rape, or trauma. Those are too far beyond my lived experience for me to do them justice.

I may share some of this currently unpublished content in the future. Likely candidates include more on healthy boundaries, expectations, acceptance, and letting go.

Bringing It All Together

High Tide, Low Tide represents our collected wisdom at a particular point in our friendship. It remains valid, honest, and useful — to us and to others — but it no longer fully reflects our situation, or the totality of my experience as a supportive friend. Our blog enables us to share new insights and as we grow as friends and as individuals. Where past advice and ideas fail to meet my needs, I’m open to returning to basics and allowing the present moment to inform my decisions and approach.

Do I take my own advice? Yes, definitely, and often! I’m careful in selecting which advice is most relevant to my present situation, however. In that I follow Fran’s suggestion in the Epilogue to our book.

How do I help my friend? What should I try? What works? So many choices. So many possibilities. To me this book is less of a memoir than a menu. You would never order and eat everything on the menu if you went for a meal. You would choose. Something familiar, perhaps. Or something new. Use our book like that. Choose something. A bit of this. A bit of that. And let that something ease another’s pain.

I’ll close with a quotation that came my way whilst writing this article. It’s a perfect reminder that advice — however loosely defined — is not always what we need. Sometimes we need to be in the moment, listening to ourselves and one another, open to what’s actually going on.

The best way to help someone is not to give them advice, but to listen to them. (Jordan B. Peterson)

That sounds like pretty good advice to me!

Over to You

In this article I’ve explored my relationship to the advice Fran and I have published in our book and on our blog. What are your thoughts on this topic? Do you take your own advice? Do you find it easier to give advice than to take it? Whose advice do you trust? What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever given or received?

We’d love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Christopher Jolly at Unsplash.

 

Because You're Worth it! A Curated List of Self-care Posts

self care is hard. it is not just face masks and bath bombs. it is crying, getting out of bed, sticking to your goals, allowing yourself to open up to others, not staying at home, getting rid of negative ppl. don’t believe social media’s false definition of self care. it is more. (@soignevenus / twitter)

In the third in our series of themed posts, I’ve selected articles from our backlist which cover various aspects of self-care. The World Health Organization defines self-care as “the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.” I prefer the longer but far more accessible description by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

Self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. When it comes to your mental health, self-care can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact. Self-care looks different for everyone, and it is important to find what you need and enjoy. It may take trial and error to discover what works best for you. In addition, although self-care is not a cure for mental illnesses, understanding what causes or triggers your mild symptoms and what coping techniques work for you can help manage your mental health.

Some of the posts I’ve included are general in nature, others are written very much from the author’s perspective and experience. I’ve separated them into six categories. Scroll through them all or click a link to jump to the relevant section.

• Practical Strategies
• Making a Difference to Your Day
• Kindness and Gratitude
• Music and Lyrics
• Out and About
• You Don’t Have to Do It on Your Own

I’ve provided a short excerpt from each post, with a link to the original article. I will update the list as relevant posts are published in the future.

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Practical Strategies

Having self-care strategies in place for when you need them can be reassuring in its own right. You know you have a toolkit of techniques to turn to that have worked for you in the past. It’s worthwhile thinking about these when you’re feeling good physically and mentally, so you can pick them up when needed. A Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) offers a useful framework. It encourages us to think about the activities and behaviours that help us stay well, as well as signs that we’re starting to struggle, and techniques to help restore us to balance.

My Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP)

A couple of months ago I attended a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) Awareness workshop at Newcastle Recovery College Collective (ReCoCo). The two day workshop covered the purpose and structure of Wellness Recovery Action Plans, and invited us to consider drawing up our own.

In this article I’m sharing the WRAP I put together after attending the workshop, with a few changes I’ve made since then and minor edits for privacy. I make no claim that this is “how to do a WRAP” but it works for me. I will update it as my needs and situation change, and as my understanding of WRAP grows.

Read the full post here.

How to Use a Spreadsheet for Wellness and Self-care

I first tried this [a wellness tracker spreadsheet] back in 2013 when Fran took an extended trip around Europe. On that occasion I used a Google Docs spreadsheet and recorded brief notes about what was happening each day, how much exercise (walking) I did, any creative work such as working on our book, any reading I did (what book and for how long), and whether or not I meditated. This time I’m using an Excel spreadsheet to capture the following information on a daily basis: notes, mood, weight, eating, reading, exercise, creativity, water, and vitamins. Let’s look at these in more detail.

Read the full post here.

Vital But Often Overlooked Self-Care Practices to Focus on Today

By Brad Krause

What we do on a daily basis to take care of ourselves is the number one determining factor in our overall mental health. Many of us live under unhealthy amounts of stress, financial burdens, and physical and emotional strain from juggling home and professional duties. When we think about self-care, it’s easy to overlook the basics. Here is what you should focus on today.

Read the full post here.

Practical Self-Care Tips to Help You Crush Life as an Introvert

By Melissa Howard

You’re easily drained from social gatherings. Working with people leaves you depleted, and by the afternoon you can’t wait to get home and curl up with a book. You love your kids to death but crave those few minutes that allow you to decompress once they go to bed. As an introvert, there’s nothing wrong with that, and in fact, you should plan on all that and more. Keep reading for tips to help you to take better care of your mind, body, and soul so that you can live the life you’re meant to live.

Read the full post here.

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Making a Difference to Your Day

We all have bad days and rough times. Sometimes it’s enough to take a deep breath and wait things out until the situation changes or our mood improves on its own. At other times, we may want to be a little more proactive and take steps to shift things in a more positive or healthy direction. The following articles describe a number of techniques that can help.

Ten Ways to Turn a Bad Day Around

There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a bad day. It’s natural, I would even say healthy, for our mood to fluctuate in response to whatever is going on around us. On the other hand, no one wants to stay stuck in a rut.

Here are ten techniques I use when I’m having a rough day. Several of them feature in my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP).

It’s worth saying these are not fixes or solutions for anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions although they might form part of a person’s wellness toolbox. They help me weather the ups and downs of life and I offer them on that basis.

Read the full post here.

Nine Ways I Distract Myself When I’m Feeling Down

No matter who we are, there are times when we’re not feeling good. It helps to have strategies in place for handling times like this. A personalised Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) can be helpful. In other posts, I’ve described how to turn a bad day around, how to be kind to myself, and things I’m grateful for. In this article I’m going to describe the strategies I use to distract myself while I wait for my thoughts or mood to shift. Just about anything can serve as a distraction technique if you’re able to immerse yourself sufficiently in it.

Read the full post here.

Up-Blips of Emotion: Exploring the Strange Things That Make My Weird Little Heart Happy

Those [things] all bring me pleasure, but I wouldn’t say they make me happy. They’re things I can consciously choose or decide to do. My happy moments are far fewer in number and much less frequent. They are also unplanned. Unpredictability is an important aspect of true happiness for me. To misappropriate the words of Tolkien’s Oxford contemporary C. S. Lewis, happiness for me means being surprised by joy. Unexpected feedback on my blog posts or books, especially where it’s clear they’ve had a significant impact on the reader; news of a friend’s achievements or success; unanticipated hugs; crowd karaoke — these are a few of my favourite happy things. (That last one is a few year’s old now, but it’s still the first thing I think of when I think of happy!)

Read the full post here.

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Kindness and Gratitude

Kindness and gratitude can feel like things we owe other people. Being kind to others and grateful for what they do for us is important, of course, but we can be so focused outside ourselves that we forget we deserve kindness and gratitude too. Gratitude offers the chance to think about the things that bring value into our lives; they’re not always the most obvious. It’s possible to find reason to be grateful in almost any situation — even other people’s ingratitude!

Sixteen Ways to Be Kind

We are sometimes called upon to provide long-term help or caregiving for friends, family members, or loved ones, but small acts of kindness are no less important and can make a huge difference to a person’s life, including ours. Here are sixteen ideas to bring more kindness into our lives and the lives of those around us.

Read the full post here.

10 Ways I Was Kind to Myself This Week

The theme for this year’s [2020] Mental Health Awareness Week (MHAW) is kindness. In a recent article I described sixteen ways we can bring more kindness into our lives, including being kind to ourselves. I’d like to share a few ways I’ve been kind to myself in the past week.

Read the full post here.

Seven Things I’m Grateful for This Week (And One Extra Special One at the End)

I was inspired to write this post when the topic of gratitude came up twice for me in as many days. The first was when I was discussing journaling and gifting with my friend Brynn. It reminded me of the gratitude journal I was gifted a couple of years ago. I used to carry it with me everywhere and wrote in it regularly, but it’s sat on my desk for a while now, unused and rarely opened.

The second was when I opened Spotify to play some music on one of my evening walks and noticed a podcast on radical gratitude by my friend and fellow blogger Liz Kay.

To be honest, I wasn’t feeling much in the mood for gratitude at the time. I’ve been flat, low, and empty for a while now and had considered exploring that in a blog post. It seemed churlish, however, to reject the invitation to think more positively. So here, in no particular order, are seven things I’m grateful for this week.

Read the full post here.

11 Things I’m Grateful For This Week

I’ve been experiencing a good deal of stress lately one way or another, and I thought it might help to focus on what’s been going well, and things I am grateful for. This blog post is the result and, yes, it did help.

Read the full post here.

Thank You Anyway: The Gift of Ingratitude

We can be grateful for what we perceive as other people’s ingratitude, because it grants us the opportunity to look at ourselves and explore what’s going on for us when we reach out to help someone.

We can also model good gratitude in how we treat others. When done properly, with grace, gratitude is more than reimbursement for a gift or service. It acknowledges our connection with the other person, and the care their help and support represents for us. Remember that it doesn’t have to be expressed in words alone. Trust, openness, and honesty are expressions of gratitude too.

Read the full post here.

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Music and Lyrics

Our musical tastes are intensely personal but for many of us music is a vital part of our self-care, whether we think of it like that or not. We often turn to music that matches our mood, be that happy or sad, outward-looking or introspective. Music can also help us shift how we’re feeling, remind us of times when things were other than they are right now, and put us in touch with what’s most important to us.

Ten Anthems for Comfort, Celebration, Inspiration, and Healing

A few years ago Fran and I took Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly online workshop. One of the exercises invited us to select one or more arena anthems: songs “that will inspire you to stay brave when the gremlins start getting to you or when you start to doubt your ability to stay vulnerable through the tough parts.” Whether you know me personally or not I hope they move and inspire you too.

Read the full post here.

Twelve Songs That Remind Me What Caring Is All About

I was listening to some of my favourite tracks on YouTube and Spotify a few weeks ago and realised many capture aspects of what caring means to me. Here’s a selection in no particular order, each with a note explaining why it resonates for me. Maybe they’ll resonate for you, too.

Read the full post here.

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Out and About

Exercise and the natural world are often cited as important elements of self-care. The opportunities to be active and experience nature vary greatly. Not everyone has ready access to wilderness trails, woodland walks, or miles of pristine shoreline to explore; or the fitness, energy, or inclination to do so. Being “out and about” means different things to different people, but with a little thought and creativity there are opportunities to engage with the outside world if we wish to, virtually if not in person.

Beauty Everywhere: Engaging with the Natural World

“If you truly love nature, you will find beauty everywhere.” (Laura Ingalls Wilder)

Covid-19 has curtailed many of the activities that brought meaning to our lives. However, for many of us it has provided an opportunity to engage more with our immediate surroundings. Wherever we live and no matter our personal circumstances we can all invite the natural world into our lives.

Read the full post here.

One Step at a Time: Walking for Wellness, Walking for Me

When I’m happy, I walk.
When I’m sad, or lonely or lost.
When I’m hurting, or numb.
When there’s too much to think about
Or nothing on my mind.
I walk.

Walking has played an important role in my life for as long as I can remember. So much so that it was one of the first things I included in the wellness tools section of my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). It’s also made its way into my writing more often than I’d realised until I began writing this article. (The idea for this piece came to me whilst, wait for it, walking into work one morning a few weeks ago.)

Read the full post here.

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You Don’t Have to Do It on Your Own

Self-care is about respecting and meeting our needs as individuals, but that doesn’t necessarily mean spending lots of time on our own. Some of the most valuable, validating, and enriching times are those we spend with the people who mean most to us. If it honours our needs, interests, and wellbeing, it’s self-care!

10 Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Friend That Don’t Involve Talking about Mental Health

Sharing quality time reinforces your friendship, builds memories, and reminds you both that you value each other’s company in fine weather as well as in stormy times. Plus, of course, it’s just really good fun! Here in no particular order are ten ways I enjoy spending time with Fran and other friends.

Read the full post here.

It’s Not Just for Kids: Reading Together for Fun and Friendship

The most important sounds we can ever share with another person are our own voices.

The above quotation is from the chapter in our book where we discuss how we make our 3,000 mile, transatlantic, friendship work. We believe there are many kinds of distance that can separate people, and not all are measured in miles or time zones. What keeps our relationship fresh and alive is our willingness to keep the channels of communication open between us, no matter what.

Reading together is one way we honour that commitment, and amongst the most rewarding. Young children — and parents of young children — know this instinctively. And yet as adults we rarely read to one another. When was the last time you read to your adult child, to your partner, or to a friend?

Read the full post here.

How Sharing Quiet Moments Can Deepen Your Friendship

There’s nothing quite like having someone you feel safe enough with to talk openly and honestly about whatever’s going on for you. It can help enormously, whether you’re simply sharing what’s happening, exploring options, or asking for — or offering — assistance and advice. But support and caring aren’t always about doing things or talking things over. Sometimes there is no need for words. Sometimes there is a need for silence.

Read the full post here.

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Over to You

If you have any thoughts about the articles we’ve included, or suggestions for self-care topics we might explore in the future, please let us know, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Avelino Calvar Martinez at Burst.

 

Here We Are Again: How to Support Your Friend When Their Symptoms Return

Being there for someone who lives with illness of any kind isn’t always easy, and it can be especially hard, for you and for them, when symptoms return after a period of relative wellness or stability. (I’ve written previously here and elsewhere about managing the contrary situation, where a friend or loved one is doing well.) This is something several of my friends experience. Despite differences in their diagnoses, certain common themes keep coming up.

It helps me to remember that no matter how hard or scary things might be for me when a friend’s symptoms return, it’s far worse for the person living with it day to day.

Return or Relapse?

Some people might call this a relapse. I prefer to talk about someone finding themselves in a similar situation as before, or their symptoms appearing to have returned. Neither Fran nor I are qualified to diagnose a new episode of mania or depression, for example. That’s her clinician’s role. What I can do is pay attention to how Fran presents when I’m with her and how she describes what’s going on for her. I can discuss things with her, and help her through it as best I can.

The word relapse has a number of meanings depending on context, some of which carry connotations of moral failure, weakness, or judgment. Alongside the straightforward description of relapse as “a recurrence of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement,” Merriam Webster offers an alternate definition, as “the act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding.” Collins online dictionary says “[i]f a sick person relapses, their health suddenly gets worse after it had been improving.” I have no issues with that, but they offer a more judgmental alternative: “If you say that someone relapses into a way of behaving that is undesirable, you mean that they start to behave in that way again.”

Ultimately, calling it a relapse or a return of symptoms is a matter of preference. Nevertheless, the words we choose matter. Avoiding any hint of judgment is respectful and kind, not least because our friends may well be feeling guilt or shame, imagining they’ve done something wrong, or not taken enough care of themselves to prevent their symptoms returning.

What Symptoms Are We Talking About?

Not all symptoms of illness recur, but many do. Time and again, we find ourselves “back here again,” experiencing things we thought — or hoped — we’d recovered from or left behind us. These will vary from person to person. Those my friends experience include anxiety, depression, fatigue, insomnia, mania, pain, psychosis, self-harm, and suicidal thinking.

The frequency and intensity with which symptoms return varies from person to person but also from symptom to symptom and over time. Sometimes, these waves of recurrent illness overlap and exacerbate one another, as Fran describes in our book:

[it’s] amazing how i can be doing well for a while and then deteriorate so quickly for no apparent reason other than i have three illness that have a mind of their own and independently operate like sine waves..

Why Do They Keep Coming Back?

Understanding that there’s no simple or single reason for symptoms to come back helps counter the tendency to blame ourselves or our friends when they reappear.

Some conditions are inherently episodic or cyclical, such as bipolar disorder, seasonal affective disorder (SAD), or the stress and anxiety many people experience around family holidays such as Christmas or Thanksgiving. For many years, Fran experienced winter depression. She loves the potential offered by the summer months but finds the transition from spring to summer hard.

Some are situational, such as stress or anxiety related to work pressure; personal issues with family, friends, or colleagues; or other aspects of our lives and environment. We may be free of symptoms for long periods, only to have them return when the situations which trigger them present themselves again.

Symptoms may reappear as the result of changes in medication or treatment regimes, including starting or stopping a particular medication, or changing dosage. My friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson has written about her experiences after one of her medications was inadvertently stopped by her pharmacist. Another friend experienced what appeared to be a moderately severe episode of depression. Her psychiatrist identified it as a side-effect of medication prescribed by a different doctor for an unrelated condition.

With some conditions, symptoms may return even after long periods of remission. Examples include cancer; pain from previous injury or conditions such as fibromyalgia; and fatigue, including chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME). Other recurrences are random, or effectively so. These include symptoms triggered by factors outside our control or ability to anticipate or avoid. Such triggers include trauma, injury, sudden change, and the death of a family member, friend, or pet.

It’s worth noting that symptoms can arise in different ways at different times, even for the same person. In High Tide Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder, Fran and I discuss several ways suicidal thinking presents itself for her, including relentless thinking, suicidal ideation triggered by situations and stress, and feelings of hopelessness and despair.

How Does it Feel?

Whatever their cause, nature, and intensity, when symptoms reappear it’s natural to feel low, frustrated, guilty, and even angry at being “back here again” despite all best efforts to keep ourselves safe, stable, and well.

I’m more used to helping friends handle these feelings than dealing with them myself. That said, in the past year or so I’ve had to accept that my baseline mood has shifted significantly downward, and I’m subject to recurring episodes of what I variously describe as flatness, low mood, or depression. In other words, this boy gets sad too. It’s not only my mental health. I’m currently experiencing intermittent fatigue after contracting covid a couple of months ago. It’s too early to know if this is going to persist, but it’s disconcerting to think it’s something I may need to factor into my life. The conversations I’ve had with Fran and other friends over the years about their situations are helping me feel my way forward.

What’s the Best Way to Help?

What’s the best way to help your friend handle the return of their symptoms after a period of relative wellness? The first thing I’d suggest is to encourage your friend to acknowledge what they’re feeling, whether that’s disappointment, frustration, anger, or hopelessness. Hold space for them to vent or talk about their feelings, if they want to. Acknowledge your feelings too, but avoid bringing judgment into the space you’re sharing with your friend.

Invite your friend to accept the unpleasant truth that recovery isn’t always guaranteed, may not be linear, and is often temporary. I use the word invite deliberately, because this isn’t an easy thing to accept. Fran lives with three episodic conditions — bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), and fibromyalgia. When she’s relatively well and stable, it’s hard for her — and for me — to accept that depression, mania, fatigue, and pain are almost guaranteed to reappear at some point. The only up-side I can offer when they do is that it’s equally certain the episode will not last forever. Things will change, because they always do.

It’s also true that no matter how much your friend may feel they’re “back here again,” things are not the same as on previous occasions. Their situation in life is different (not always better, but different). They have moved on from where they were last time. They have whatever lessons they’ve learned from previous episodes to help them through this one.

Our friend Julie A. Fast, author of books including Getting It Done When You’re Depressed, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, and Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder, stresses the importance of treating the underlying health condition. Her mantra TREAT BIPOLAR FIRST is a reminder not to give up on whatever treatments, practices, and strategies we’ve put in place, including self-care. That doesn’t mean blindly following previous regimes if they’re no longer working. Where symptoms continue to reoccur or episodes increase in frequency or severity suggest your friend consults their clinician to see if a change in treatment is warranted.

Your friend may be reluctant to do so, especially if they’ve managed to achieve a degree of stability, because as we’ve discussed, changes in treatment can introduce new problems. These include side effects of the medication itself, and the potential to overshoot if the dose isn’t judged correctly. Fran experienced a massive overshoot from mania into depression when her medication was changed towards the end of 2011. She endured six months of debilitating depression before further changes in treatment brought a degree of stability and wellness.

Another friend who lives with bipolar disorder and chronic insomnia has had various changes to her treatment regime in the time I’ve known her. Despite often feeling frustrated and discouraged, she remains determined to explore her options in pursuit of mood stability and more healthy sleep patterns. As I remind her, this determination not to give up, and to keep moving forward is what courage looks like.

I help Fran remain vigilant for the return of symptoms, and potential trigger situations. It requires a high degree of trust and honesty. I get to share what I see in terms of Fran’s behaviour and flag any potential shifts into depression or mania to her, but it’s important not to overreact, and that I respect her take on what’s happening. That way, we each benefit from the other’s perspective. Fran gets to have a bad day (or several consecutive bad days) without it necessarily signifying she’s in depression. Likewise, she’s entitled to feel good without me raising the mania flag at the first sign of happiness. As I’ve written elsewhere:

We are both aware of the need for vigilance. Bipolar is like that. Any brightness, any momentary joy, each lifting of the curtain, is suspect, and may be the prelude to mania. But as I told Fran today: “You are doing well, and it feels wholesome to me. We will be vigilant. But don’t be scared to have a nice time, to smile, to find ease and enjoyment. These things are your right. You are worthy of them; of goodness, of living life fully.”

Sharing the responsibility for vigilance isn’t for everyone. I’ve offered to do the same for other friends and had my offer politely declined as unnecessary or inappropriate. That’s okay too.

A Final Note on Judgment and Kindness

I had a conversation recently with a friend about self-harm. My friend hasn’t self-harmed for a long time and cannot imagine herself being in that place again. Nevertheless, she said she’d never say it will never happen, only that she has developed more healthy coping strategies. I said I would never say that she — or anyone — had let themselves or me down if they self-harmed, no matter how long it had been since they last did. It wasn’t a throwaway comment on my part. It’s something I believe and know to be true.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not immune to feelings of disappointment and judgment, but I recognise they’re profoundly unhelpful and say more about me than the person I’m thinking about. Whatever the situation, whether it’s the return of symptoms or the repeat of unhealthy behaviour, what is helpful, what is kind, is to allow my friends and loved ones to be where they are, including feeling ashamed or disappointed in themselves if that’s what they’re experiencing. That way I can be there for and with them, and help them find a way forward when they’re ready to take that step. Taking time to come to terms with what’s happening is an important part of that process. As I’ve described previously in a piece titled I Wasn’t Disappointed in You When:

I wasn’t disappointed in you. But maybe you were. And I didn’t honour that. I didn’t allow breathing space for that.

Over to You

In this article I’ve shared some of the ways I am there for my friends when they’re experiencing symptoms of illness again after a short or a long period of relative wellness. How do you feel about what I’ve shared? Does it resonate for you, or would you handle things differently? If you experience recurrent symptoms yourself, how do you handle it? What do you want and need from your friends and loved ones? How can others best help you move forward?

Fran and I would love to hear your thoughts, either in the comments below or through our contact page.

 

Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions at Unsplash.

 

Fond Remembrances and Sudden Hurt: Thoughts Inspired by Listening to Music on an Evening Walk

And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

(Elisabeth Wagner Rose / Taylor Alison Swift. “All Too Well.”)

Last month I shared some of the distraction techniques I use when I’m feeling low. Amongst them was listening to music, although as I noted, “there are times music is unhelpful as a distraction, because so many of the tracks on my playlists have associated memories, meanings, and significances.” That’s the situation I found myself in recently. I’d not listened to any of my YouTube or Spotify playlists for months. I wasn’t ready to confront the thoughts and emotions they were likely to evoke.

A few days ago, though, on my first evening walk for a while, I suddenly felt it was time. I opened Spotify and selected my “Good” playlist; a mixed bag of around eighty tracks I’ve collected over the past few years. I used to listen to them day after day on my walks during covid lockdown. That playlist became the backing track to my life as I moved through those days, weeks, and months of uncertainty and change. I’ve shared some of them here before, specifically my ten anthems for comfort and celebration and twelve songs that remind me what caring is all about. For the next hour or so I allowed the music to wash over me as I walked.

It’s a commonplace that music can take us back to times and places we’ve known, but I’d forgotten it’s capable of summoning the full gamut of memories, thoughts, and feelings. I tasted them as they came. Support. Courage. Love. Loss. Regret. People. Times. Places. Some recent others from decades ago. Smiles and — almost — tears. Fond remembrances and sudden hurt. I resisted the urge to skip tracks, engage with or push back against what came up for me. I allowed it to be present, acknowledged it, and let it fade away as each track ended, to be replaced by whatever the next track evoked. The familiar mantra.

Feel it. Claim it. Love it. Let it go.

There was a sense of comfort, of refuge, of coming home, in allowing myself to be flooded with these memories and emotions. The very intensity of them was welcome. I’ve missed that. The highs and lows. The drama. I’d lost touch with it. My playlist allowed me to feel it again, at least for a little while. It reassured me I’m still capable of feeling — of living — intensely.

Much of what these tracks evoked for me is gone now. Not just in the sense that all memories are necessarily of the past and thus no longer present, but irretrievably, decisively. There’s a danger, perhaps, in allowing myself to become mired in revisiting the past, rather than living in the present and pursuing new memories. But it doesn’t need to be one or the other. In letting the lyrics and music loose, I brought all that pastness into the present. I began the process of updating the resonances and connecting here/now to all those there/thens.

The lyric I quoted at the top of this post isn’t from this playlist (I have several — Ms Swift kept me company through much of last year), but it captures the push-pull, love-hate relationship I have with my past.

And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

It’s a reminder that there’s value in forgetting some things, or at least setting the memories aside for a time, and value in taking them up again now and again, to see whether our relationship to them has changed. It’s not only music that can do this. I’ve kept a diary for my entire adult life, but rarely take past volumes down from their shelf to read over what I recorded back then. It can be painful to do so, the words capture the reality of whatever I was living through and reading them can be a brutal experience, even when the experiences were good. Perhaps especially then. I’m reminded of a poem I wrote four decades ago.

Lovepoem (6)

my love, come quickly,
for a while we must put aside desire
in a little box, labelled: “Passion. With care.
Do not open until we are both sure what to do with it”.
We must hide it underneath the bed with your copies of New
Society and my hopes of tomorrow.

you know, we came so close to Forever, so
close to letting go that night as
our hugs became caresses &
our kisses deeper: in that instant of wonder  .wandering
my hands became your hands, your body mine &
our release imminent. yet

for a little we must put aside desire ,think.,reassure
ourselves that   ,though i want you
,we sleep together because nights are coldest alone,
because we are too inlove
not to.& because you are
my most .special friend

(&, BECAUSE we’re friends i know one day
we’ll come across a box
beneath the bed
amongst the shoes & dreams and otherpeople’s tears
.then handinhand we’ll realise the words
untie the string,
unleash our little bit of passion on the World

That particular box has never been opened; its little bit of passion remains unleashed. Wisely so, I think. You never can tell what you’ll find when you open a box (or a tool box, for that matter). Just ask Schrödinger. I was unsure what I’d find when I opened my playlist, and a little scared to find out. I’m glad I dared the experiment, though, because I found something real, wholesome, and ultimately healthy. I found a part of myself I’d forgotten was there.

 

Photo by Alex Blăjan at Unsplash.