It’s easy to imagine you need to be a mental health expert to support a friend or loved one who lives with a mental health condition. In my experience, learning about a friend’s diagnosis gives me a better appreciation of what they have to deal with, but no online resource, book, or training course can make me fully aware of their situation.
I was reminded of this recently on a call with Fran. We were talking about people who seem to routinely — almost willfully — misunderstand how things are for her. She’s normally pretty laid back when people get it wrong, because not everyone has personal experience of her physical and mental health conditions. On this occasion, however, she was frustrated because the people we were discussing knew about her diagnoses. At least one of them owned a copy of our book. I joked that I still get things wrong, despite having been her friend for thirteen years.
“That’s true,” she said. “The difference is, you’re only partly clueless.”
I made a note of the expression, recognising its relevance to our relationship and to supportive friendships generally. I took it as an acknowledgement that I have some awareness of how things are for her, but I don’t assume my understanding is accurate or complete. I’m open to Fran updating my understanding or telling me outright that I’m wrong. It’s an important aspect of our friendship and foundational to the trust we have in one another. The same is true of my relationships with other friends, many of whom live with significant physical and mental health conditions.
“Only partly clueless” reminds me that while education is valuable and helps me support my friends more effectively, I’ll never fully understand the challenges they live with every day. It would make a great t-shirt!
Photo by Emily Morter at Unsplash.
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