Come Along with a CSA Survivor to a Smear Planning Appointment: a Vlog by Aimee Wilson

Trigger / content warning: mention of child sexual abuse and rape

This post is inspired by a recent video blog by my friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson. The twelve minute video is titled “Come along with a CSA survivor to a smear planning appointment with Northumbria NHS Gynae.” As well as showcasing the video itself, I want to share my response to it and why I feel this is such an important topic.

What’s it About?

Here’s what the vlog is about in Aimee’s own words.

Being a CSA [child sexual abuse] survivor, I have had to meet with Gynae to discuss having my smear test under a general anaesthetic. I filmed this vlog to provide advice and empathy to other survivors and to bring insight to those who judge people for struggling with this procedure. Don’t judge a person’s journey when you haven’t walked in their shoes!

It’s characteristic of Aimee to share her lived experience in the hope it might inform and help other people. To note, the video covers Aimee’s appointment to discuss options for her upcoming cervical screening, not the screening itself.

The vlog is available in full on YouTube and in five parts on Instagram (part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5). Note that the first thirty seconds are silent.

What’s a Smear Test?

For anyone unfamiliar with the procedure or the terminology, the following description of cervical screening (smear tests) is taken from the NHS website.

Cervical screening, which used to be called smear test, is a test to check the health of the cervix and help prevent cervical cancer. It’s offered [in the UK] to women and people with a cervix aged 25 to 64.

The website includes further detailed information about what cervical screening is, why it’s important, when someone will be invited for a screening test, how to book a test, what happens at the screening appointment, the results, and further help and support.

What Did I Think of the Video?

I was part way through watching Aimee’s vlog when she messaged me to ask how my day was going.

A: Are you home yet?

M: Just on my way now. I’m listening to your YouTube. About your gynae appointment.

A: Oooooo thank you!!

M: Aimee, it’s one of the best, most important things you’ve ever done. And that’s saying a lot!

A: Wowwww thank you so so so much! That’s such an incredible comment! Can I screenshot it and post? I’ll tag you obviously.

M: Yes of course!

True to her word, Aimee shared my comment shortly afterwards, saying that it had made her day. That’s a lovely thing to hear, but I was only saying what I believe to be true.

Why Is it So Important?

But why is this such an important topic? I posted the following comment Aimee’s video on YouTube.

This is such a great thing to do, and I know it will be of value to so many people. People in similar situations as yourself, but also people like me who have no first hand experience but want to understand and know how to support friends and loved ones. Thank you.

I know little about what it means to have survived rape or sexual abuse. The little I do know is thanks to people like Aimee who have trusted me sufficiently to share what they’ve lived through and how their lives have been impacted. That’s the most I can claim by way of experience, but at Aimee’s suggestion last year I wrote an article about being there for a friend who’s survived rape or sexual abuse. Aimee’s vlog adds considerably to my understanding.

What Does Aimee Talk About in her Video?

Aimee opens with a brief introduction and trigger / content warning. She explains the background to her situation including her past experience of sexual abuse and rape. This appointment is to meet with the gynae team at her local hospital to discuss her next cervical screening. As Aimee describes, she finds things like this very difficult. Her first cervical screening was conducted under general anaesthetic. “So this time I’m just going to discuss the idea of doing it in the same way.”

She makes clear her reasons for making the video. “I thought I would bring you guys along with me because I know it’s something that I’m not alone in, and I just wanted to show that there are options. And for anyone who doesn’t understand the issue I just want to show how difficult it can be and provide some insight into it.”

Aimee talks about her preparations for the appointment. She’s waiting for a taxi to arrive, which she booked to make sure she gets there in plenty of time, and to offset the anxiety and nervousness she knew she’d be feeling on the day.

“So a tip for people who might go through something like this [would be] consider your transport and think about anything that could come up before your appointment, and budget time so you’re not so stressed.”

Ironically, her taxi is late, so she’s worried she might not make her appointment in time. She rings ahead to let the hospital know she might be late.

The video continues with Aimee back home after the appointment. She describes how well it went, and how lovely all the staff were with her. The plan they agreed is for Aimee to try with sedation first, on the understanding that if that doesn’t work for her they will move straight away to a general anaesthetic.

“So I’ve got a plan I’m happy with. I’m glad that they listened to me, that I didn’t have to go into detail about my reasons, just sort of roughly explained [...] I felt very validated and supported for the appointment. So I like to think that other people could be treated that way as well. If you’re watching this [...] please think about your options and don’t be afraid to speak to professionals and to voice what you think would be helpful for you.”

Before she closes, Aimee talks about how there’s a lot of information and messaging on social media about how important cervical screenings are “and how people who don’t have theirs are sort of taking a risk and it’s not a wise decision.” She points out that no matter how well-meaning, this kind of messaging can come across as disrespectful and deaf to the needs of people such as her, for whom such procedures can be extremely traumatic. “That’s why it’s so important,” Aimee says, “to speak up and explain to someone and provide them with insight as to why someone might find a smear difficult.”

Aimee points out that it’s not only cervical screenings which can be difficult for her and other survivors of abuse, rape, and sexual assault. Other gynaecological procedures and examinations can be no less difficult. She closes by saying she intends to rest “and practice some self-soothing and some distraction with Netflix and stuff like that.”

My Key Takeaways

Everyone who watches Aimee’s video will get something different from it, depending on their level of understanding and personal experience. Here are a few of my key takeaways.

Plan ahead to reduce anxiety and stress as much as possible. This includes arranging transport, making sure you know where the appointment is to be held, and allowing plenty of time to get there.

Try not to stress if things go wrong on the day. “Don’t be afraid to ring if you are running late or if something comes up.”

Be clear about what you want from the appointment, but also be open to alternatives. Aimee wanted her scan to be done under general anaesthetic like last time, but agreed to try sedation first.

Plan for what you’ll do and how you might feel after the appointment, acknowledging that it’s a major thing you just did. Include options for self-care if you can.

Aimee didn’t mention this, but I’d suggesting having one or two trusted friends or family members on hand in case you find you need someone to talk to, or to offer support.

The biggest takeaway for me is what a huge difference it makes when someone’s experience and needs are treated with care and respect. Aimee was listened to and wasn’t put under pressure to explain or justify herself or her needs.

I’m immensely proud of my friend for making this video and for sharing so openly about such a sensitive and difficult topic. I’m sure it will be of help to many.

Aimee, thank you!

Further Reading and Resources

I’m NOT Disordered Help Directory

NHS Cervical Screening Information

Rape Crisis Tyneside and Northumberland Cervical Screening Information

Cervical Screening Information: Support for People Who Feel Anxious About Attending

The Impact of Trauma and Cervical Screening (Somerset and Avon Rape and Sexual Abuse)

About Aimee Wilson

You can find Aimee Wilson at her blog I’m NOT Disordered, on Instagram, and on Twitter/X.

Photos by Aimee Wilson.

 

I Believe You. It wasn't Your Fault. You Are not Alone. Being There for a Friend Who's Survived Rape or Sexual Abuse

TW: Mention of rape and sexual abuse

To encourage someone is to help instil courage in them so that they can stand up and keep pressing forward.

— Kevin Ngo

I’m grateful to Aimee Wilson, founder of the Shake My Hand campaign, for inviting me to write this post. My first thought was, I don’t know what I could say that would be of value to anyone. A moment’s reflection, however, reminded me that several of my friends are survivors of rape and sexual abuse. How do I know this? Because at some point they told me about it. More significantly, they allowed me into their lives, as they live through the consequences and impact of what happened. On that basis and from that perspective, here are my thoughts, ideas, and suggestions for supporting a friend or loved one who has survived similar experiences.

A note on language and statistics

In this article I use the word survivor rather than victim, following the approach of such organisations as Darlington and County Durham’s Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling Centre and Women Against Abuse. I also avoid gendered pronouns where possible, because rape and sexual abuse affect people irrespective of gender.

Each survivor is an individual who deserves respect and support, regardless of how many other people have been affected in similar ways. That said, here are some numbers to set things in context. According to the UK’s Office for National Statistics, an estimated 1.1 million adults in England and Wales (age sixteen and over) experienced sexual assault in the year ending March 2022 (798,000 women and 275,000 men). The Cambridge Rape Crisis Centre highlights the following harrowing statistics.

• 1 in 4 women have been subjected to some form of sexual violence since the age of sixteen.
• 1 in 6 children have been sexually abused.
• 1 in 18 men have been subjected to some kind of sexual violence since the age of sixteen.
• 798,000 women across England and Wales are raped or sexually assaulted every year. That’s 1 in 30 women.
• 94% of survivors of rape or attempted rape are women.

With all that said, what can I offer to help you support your friend or loved one?

Don’t assume you’ll never need to know

You might think no one in your family or circle of friends has ever been raped or sexually abused. You may be right. I hope you are. But given the statistics, consider the possibility that you simply may not know the truth. That’s okay. You don’t have a right to know what anyone else has been through, no matter how close the connection between you. But being aware how tragically common an experience it is, is the first step to understanding how to help. And then, if someone shares with you, you’ll know where they’re coming from and what’s at stake.

Sharing represents extreme trust and vulnerability

Whatever your friend or loved one shares with you, recognise it for what it is, a demonstration of trust on their behalf. You might be the first person they’ve ever told, or the twentieth. This might be the first time they’ve spoken to you about it, or the hundredth. What matters is the moment. Treat it, and them, with attention, caring, and respect. Suspend any urge you might have to fix things (you can’t), make them feel better (ditto), or tell them you understand. Unless it’s happened to you, you don’t. Even if it’s happened to you, you don’t.

It’s their story not yours

In Men: When Women Talk About Their Trauma, Your Job Is Just To Listen Nia Tipton makes the point that when someone shares from a place of extreme vulnerability, your response needs to be one of attentive listening, not comparison or competition.

When women talk about the mistreatment and trauma they’ve lived through at the hands of men — men should be quiet and just listen.

As a man whose women friends have almost all survived trauma of varying kinds, this hits home. More generally, and no matter who is talking, it’s vital to realise that this is their story. Your friend, loved one, or family member has lived through things that in one way or another have impacted them deeply. It’s their story, in their words. There may be gaps and bits might be unclear to you but it’s a true story. Above all else, believe them. And say the words, so there’s no doubt. I believe you.

You don’t have a right to know the details

It’s natural to have questions, either in the moment or at some later point. In my experience, don’t be afraid to ask, but do so gently and respectfully. Make it clear your friend or loved one isn’t obliged to satisfy your curiosity. It’s not their responsibility to convince you, justify themselves, or fill the gaps in your understanding. It wasn’t your fault doesn’t depend on you knowing all the facts.

Long ago was yesterday

No matter when the abuse or rape occurred, begin by assuming it’s as raw for them today as it ever was. That may or may not be true, but don’t imagine it’s not present for them every day, just because it happened some time ago. You might feel you’d have put it behind you by now and moved on. Maybe you would. Maybe you did. But you don’t get to decide how far along the road to recovery someone is, or should be. Make a point of letting them know you’re not going anywhere, and that your support isn’t dependant on how well they’re handling things.

Don’t second guess the impact

Your friend or loved one may be affected in ways you wouldn’t necessarily expect, especially if you’ve no first-hand experience of what they’ve been through. Rape and abuse can impact people’s emotions, behaviour, and physical well-being. The following is by no means an exhaustive list.

• Physical health
• Panic attacks
• Sleeping
• Mental health, including depression and anxiety
• Suicidal thinking
• Self-harm
• Relationships, including theirs with you

For more details, check out the information for friends of survivors at Cambridge Rape Crisis. The effects may be long-term, intermittent, or appear out of the blue. They might be influenced or triggered by things you — or even your friend — can’t anticipate or avoid. By the same token, don’t make assumptions about how it “must” affect them. Everyone is different and no two people are likely to be impacted the same way.

Be patient and supportive, whether your friend is doing well right now or having a tough time of things. Celebrate milestones and healing steps, if that’s something that’s meaningful to them. If setbacks occur — a return to unhealthy coping strategies, for example — remind yourself they feel far more disappointed and frustrated about it than you do. I’m here. You’re not alone. I believe in you. These are powerful words. Say them.

Behave such that your friends would consider you safe

We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t. Like or shared some “edgy” social media post that doesn’t reflect our true opinions or values. Nodded along with or failed to challenge an off-colour joke, story, or opinion. The fact we’ve all done it at some point doesn’t excuse us or remove the obligation to do better.

If there’s a part of you thinking “people are way too sensitive these days” or wondering why you should change how you behave just so other people won’t get upset, consider that your behaviour is contributing to the toxic culture of oppression, distress, and fear. Yes, really. To paraphrase a meme that stuck with me when I first saw it, the celebrity whose trauma you mock on social media will never see it. But your friends and family will, and they’ll know you’re not a safe person to talk to about their experiences.

The recent man or bear in the woods meme is the perfect example. If you can’t grasp that it expresses women’s very real uncertainty and fear in the presence of men — in many cases born of personal experience including sexual abuse and rape — then you’re part of the problem. If your response to “We know it’s not all men, but we don’t know who the safe ones are” is to push back because you’re one of the safe ones, you’re not.

Amongst the many responses on Quora to the question What does it mean when a woman says that, “I don’t feel safe with you”? this one resonates for me.

It probably means she doesn’t feel safe with you. She’s not obligated to tell you why she doesn’t feel safe. She may not know. You can work toward being the kind of man who is safe for a woman to be around.

I might have phrase that final sentence slightly differently — you can work towards being the kind of man who a woman will feel safe to be around — but the message is sound. I have women friends who trust me, but I’m not complacent. There are women in my past who definitely didn’t at times, and there may be some now who don’t. I still have work to do. We all do.

It doesn’t go away but it’s not who they are

The impact of rape and sexual abuse on your friend or loved one may never go away, but it’s not who they are. They’re not broken, or less than. They’ve had to deal with things you may never fully understand, but they’re the same person they were before it happened — or before you knew it happened. Like you and everyone else, they have ups and downs, highs and lows, stresses, fears, dreams, disappointments, strengths, weaknesses, successes, tears, joys, and needs. Demonstrate that you’re there for the long term, for the good as well as the not so good, and they’ll be there for you.

You’re important too

The impact of rape and sexual abuse falls firstly and primarily on the survivor. Whatever your thoughts and feelings about it, they’re secondary to those of your friend or loved one. If that seems harsh, consider for a moment that you could, if you chose, walk away. They can’t. That said, it’s not easy to see those we care about working through what happened to them. Your thoughts and feelings matter too. These might include sadness, anger, resentment, frustration, and helplessness. You can’t unknow what you know. You might be concerned it will change your relationship or fear what it means for the two of you. All these feelings are valid, as are any needs you might have for help and support. It’s not unreasonable to be honest with your friend or loved one about how you’re handling what they’ve shared with you, but be careful not to shift the responsibility for supporting you back onto them. Check out the links below for information and resources.

In closing

A lot of what I’ve said might seem heavy. Daunting, even. That’s inevitable, given the seriousness of the matter. You can make a very real difference to those who have been through rape and sexual abuse. You do this by caring, by saying you’ll be there and proving it, by believing not only in the truth of what they chose to share with you, but I’m them too. It’s not always easy, but it’s also not always hard. And it’s always, always, worth it. The friendships I mentioned have been and are amongst the strongest and most significant of my life. These are people I’ve trusted — and trust — with my life, secrets, and heart every bit as much as they’ve trusted me with theirs. It can be that way for you too. Your friends and loved ones deserve it, and so do you. While I was writing this piece I came across a social media post.

In these times you got to have good friends. Not those “just fun to be around” friends. You need those “imma hold you accountable” friends. Those “Let’s talk about it” friends. Those “I’m proud of you” friends. Friends who feel safe.

That’s the kind of connection I have with many of my friends, and it works both ways.

Further information and resources

Shake My Hand Help Directory

The Language We Use (Women Against Abuse)

Victim? Survivor? The importance of the language we use to talk about people who have experienced sexual violence (Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling Centre)

Men: When Women Talk About Their Trauma, Your Job Is Just To Listen

Tips for Talking with Survivors of Sexual Assault (RAINN, Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)

Information and resources for friends of a survivor (Cambridge Rape Crisis)

The Survivors Trust

 

This post was previously published at Shake My Hand.

Photo by Meghan Schiereck at Unsplash.