Give Yourself the Opportunity to Hate It!

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with Fran. We were talking about some of the things she’s done lately. These include joining Finding Female Friends >50, a nonprofit organisation dedicated to fostering friendship connections for women. (“Welcome! Your new BFF’s [sic] are waiting to greet you.”) Fran’s already attended a number of their online sessions. Some she found valuable, others less so. She mentioned two in particular, one of which she’d loved and one that hadn’t resonated for her. “That’s cool, though,” I said. “You gave yourself the opportunity to hate them!”

I love that she’s open to trying things out to see what works for her and what doesn’t. It can be uncomfortable discovering you don’t quite fit in with a particular situation or group. Fran nevertheless recognises it’s not a failure if she decides not to continue with something.

I’m not good at this myself. I tend to only try things I’m likely to enjoy or find valuable. That more or less rules out joining clubs, groups, and organisations. I applaud and support men’s groups such as Andy’s Man Club but I’m unlikely to attend one of their sessions. I know — which is to say I believe — I’d have nothing in common with the other attendees and would feel out of my depth and unable to relate. I’m aware that’s a severely self-limiting belief.

It’s not only groups and organisations. I feel that way in almost any social situation from day trips out with friends to funerals and weddings. I always find myself on the outside looking in. I’ve come to accept this is how things are for me. I appreciate invitations from people who value my company and attendance, whilst simultaneously dreading the inevitable awkwardness of the occasion itself. I’m far more likely to decline than to accept.

My conversation with Fran suggested there’s another way. Fran gets anxious about social situations too. Arguably more than I do. The difference is, she doesn’t allow that to limit her. Rather than turn down opportunities because I’m unlikely to enjoy myself, I might choose to reframe it as an adventure. A side quest. An experiment. If I try something and it’s not for me, I’ve still gained.

I’m reminded of a conversation I had years ago with a close friend. I was telling her about a colleague’s wedding I’d attended. I hadn’t enjoyed myself at all. I didn’t know anyone there and hadn’t put any effort into engaging because I was unlikely to see any of them again. Sue found my attitude ridiculous. She told me she valued such situations for what they were; an opportunity to connect with people she didn’t know. Maybe a friendship would be born. Maybe not. But she’d have learned something new about herself and had fun in the process. I didn’t get it at the time but years later I can see her point.

I came across two quotations while writing this post which fit the theme perfectly. The first is from Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the iHeart Radio Awards.

The hundreds or thousands of dumb ideas that I’ve had are what led me to my good ideas. You have to give yourself permission to fail.

The second is by Kate Swoboda. It found me courtesy of Sophie May at The Quiet Edit.

Really, the moment you’re willing to get a bit uncomfortable is the moment your “entire life” will change.

The point Fran, Sue, Taylor, and Kate are making is, it’s okay to put yourself in situations you might not enjoy or succeed at. Being there is the point. Showing up is the point. Maybe you’ll love it. Maybe you’ll decide not to do it again. Either way is a win. I’ve been invited to a wedding in April. I’m already anxious about it but it means a lot that my friends want me there and I’m looking forward to celebrating their day with them. Maybe I’ll have a great time. Maybe not. But by giving myself the opportunity to hate it I’m giving myself the opportunity to love it.

 

Photo by Vitaly Gariev at Unsplash.