By Charity Megan Riley
The following is taken from the introduction to my 2025 novel Bipolar Dreamer.
In the late 1990s, many young women wanted to be Felicity Porter, a character on a TV show called Felicity, which aired from fall 1998 until spring 2002. The pilot episode reveals a socially awkward, intelligent girl named Felicity, in Palo Alto, California, asking her high school crush, Ben, to sign her yearbook. He writes a note saying that although he never got to know her, he always wondered what she was about and he admired her. After she reads his message, she changes her college plans.
The main character in Bipolar Dreamer, Phoebe, is part Felicity — the hopeless romantic part — but she is mostly me. Like me, she is a big fan of the show Felicity and dreams to have the life of the star character — to be on her own, far away from home, and to be doted on by several young men. She is smart but suffers from problems she can’t clearly define.
Phoebe’s stressors are mainly her relationships, especially with men, and her misinterpretation of trivial things. In college, I was socially anxious and awkward and sometimes afraid to talk to men just casually.
Phoebe begins to understand some of her issues when she is diagnosed with bipolar I, OCD — chronic obsessions and compulsion — and social anxiety while in college. Through Phoebe, I hope to describe what I can remember about the depression and anxiety I experienced and how my relationships and friendships impacted me during my college years. When living with multiple mental health diagnoses, it is hard to find your place in the world. Imagine being twenty-two and having to take several pills every day.
Like I once did, Phoebe falls hard for guys who have barely flirted with her, then becomes obsessed with them after they reject her. They become the object of fantasies she can’t let go of, a state that leads her to a pivotal mental health crisis. One of Phoebe’s biggest problems is that she overfocuses on romance. In fact, she fantasizes about it every time she encounters happy couples. I know personally in the beginning I wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship and sex. My body was telling me yes constantly — hypersexuality is a hallmark symptom of bipolar disorder — but my mind was telling me, “No, you slut!” This was a constant conflict. I had and continue to have a strong relationship with God, and my faith has gotten me through a lot of the difficult times. But what I experienced in college made me question my faith many times.
It wasn’t just the inner push-pull I suffered because of romantic longings; I also dealt with mania — inordinate excitement stemming from my disorder.
A manic attack would make me extremely angry or extremely happy and fill me with lots of energy even though I hadn’t slept for days. Mania would leave me more interested in sex and more comfortable flirting with guys. Then I’d get rejected yet again and fall into depression. I’d think I was never going to accomplish anything or have a healthy relationship because of my issues. Sometimes, I would seesaw from depression to mania — in other words, “rapid cycling.” The mania symptoms sometimes include increased physical and mental activity, racing thoughts, rapid speech, making grandiose plans, taking risks, impulsive activity such as spending sprees and sexual indiscretion, and getting less sleep and not missing it. Thank God I have never had a credit card and “sex” occurred in chatrooms, where I was anonymous.
In addition to all of this, in college the most frightening part of my disorders came to roost: voices, visual hallucinations, paranoia, and good and bad dreams that I thought were real but I now know were psychosis. Phoebe experiences all of this.
It’s been a very long time since I graduated from college and worked through the challenges of my initial mental illness diagnoses. And in 2008, I was also diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, now classified as high-functioning autism. Writing Bipolar Dreamer has helped me work to make peace with my past as my life has pulled me in directions I never expected. I thought I knew, but I am learning, that life never works out exactly as we plan. I’m okay with that — I guess. Just like in college, I dream that someday, some man will love me despite my disabilities and accept me for who I am and I will be financially independent. Neither of these things has yet to happen.
Often, I feel like I am moving toward my goals but looking back with some nagging uncertainty and not quite figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing. I guess a lot of people feel that way, but it’s frustrating that life isn’t black and white with clear paths to follow.
But one thing I feel for sure: I intend to keep walking on those murky paths.
I won’t give up.
About the Author
Charity Megan Riley is a survivor of Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, situational Social anxiety, Driving anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Aspergers syndrome. Bipolar Dreamer is her first novel. The majority of the book is based on personal experiences from the time she graduated from high school through when she graduated from college. She wrote this book in hopes of encouraging young people with mental health issues to finish their education. It was a tough road for her but she survived and is grateful to her parents, her first therapist, and others who tried so hard to love her and help her despite her issues.
You can connect with Charity on LinkedIn.
Bipolar Dreamer is available at Barnes and Noble.
Photo by the author.
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