This post was inspired by a recent conversation with Fran. It happened a few days before she set off on a weekend trip with folk from MOAC (Maine Outdoor Adventure Club). Fran had attended several of their events in the past but this was to be her first trip away with the group. She was feeling a little anxious. I reminded her it's natural to have some anxiety when you're about to do something different. How the anxiety is a strategy your mind and body employ to protect you, perhaps as a result of past dissapointments. If you worry about something in advance and what you are worried about happens, you're prepared. You get to say, "See — I knew it." If what you were worried about doesn't happen, you get to feel relieved and pleasantly surprised. It's not a particularly healthy way of approaching things and it burns a lot of emotional energy, but it's understandable and far more common than we imagine. I reassured her that it was okay to feel what she was feeling, but she didn't have to dwell there. She could acknowledge it and then let it go. It was the kind of conversation we have all the time. Not only about Fran's situation, thoughts, and feelings. Mine too. I think we both felt on familiar ground. Then, Fran asked something that turned things on their head for me.
"How would you be feeling if it was you going away for the weekend with forty people, most of whom you don't know?"
On one level, the question was straightforward. How would I feel if I was a few days away from a long weekend in the woods with a group of people I scarcely knew? The fact that I can't imagine doing something like that says a lot. I can challenge myself to do things I've never done before, like a zipwire from the Tyne Bridge for charity (twice), a live radio interview, being a podcast guest, or reading from our book in front of an audience. Those were scary, but manageable. Social events of any kind are different. I'm much more comfortable one-on-one or in very small groups. I'd be well-prepared for the weekend on a practical level. I'd have everything laid out ready to go, the route mapped, and timings confirmed. Inside, I'd be a wreck, seriously looking for ways to back out. As Fran put it, I'd be shaking like a leaf. (I was literally shaking the first time we met in person after two years as transatlantic best friends, at the QEII Cruise Terminal in Southampton back in 2013.)
But there's more to Fran's question than that. By asking me to consider how I'd feel, she invited me to appreciate the reality of her situation. It helped me connect with her more deeply than just responding to her uncertainties and fears. It connected me with how it's been for me in the past when I'd felt scared or daunted by what I was about to do. Situations and scenarios I can imagine myself handling, and those which would unnerve me to the point where I would freeze up inside.
The question also reminded me of the differences and similarities between us. Fran's social anxiety is real but she'll find ways to work with it in the name of adventure. She's told me in the past she's better at getting along with "new people" than folk she's known a long time. I think she's a little unfair to herself regarding established friendships, but she's certainly better around people she doesn't know than I am. It's part of the reason she loves traveling so much. As I write this, she's away on her MOAC weekend. I'm confident she'll return with a few new friends and some great stories. I'd come back having spent most of the time by myself at the edge of things, observing what was going on, more or less content but failing to engage meaningfully with anyone. Neither approach is necessarily right or wrong, but despite similar anxieties we handle social situations very differently.
There's one more dimension to what Fran did. By asking me how I would be feeling, she reversed our roles. She gave herself the opportunity to have someone share their anxieties and uncertainties with her. Regarding her trip my feelings were hypothetical, but she nevertheless got to see things from someone else's perspective. It might seem a small thing, but for me that was the most significant aspect of our exchange. We've come up with various tools and approaches over the years. They help us explore how we're feeling and navigate through uncertain times to firmer ground. This was a new one. It's valuable in itself, and a great reminder that there's always something new to learn from and with each other. The photo I chose for this post is particularly appropriate because I bought Fran a mug just like the one depicted for her weekend away. The simple message — The Adventure Begins — reminds me that there's adventure to be found in our lives whatever we choose to do with our time, be that hiking the woods of Maine with people we don't know or sitting in a coffee shop in Kingston Park writing about it.
The Maine Outdoor Adventure Club (MOAC) is an all-volunteer member organization in the state of Maine, USA. Outdoor activities range from peaceful and relaxing to challenging and full of excitement. For details, check their website.
Photo by Freddy Kearney at Unsplash.
I love how this post highlights the connection between anxiety and the unknown. It’s so relatable for anyone facing something unfamiliar, like managing anxiety at work. Recognising that it’s okay to feel anxious, but not letting it control the situation, is a powerful approach, whether on an adventure or in the office.
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