What Makes You Feel Powerful?

Everything changes. This is the key to feeling powerful, but also to being creative in the world.

— Robert Greene

Most of my blog posts are inspired by conversations with friends or things I come across online. This is a little different. Unsure what to write about next, I searched the vast selection of images on Unsplash. This one by photographer Toa Heftiba caught my attention, although I wasn’t sure how I’d answer the question. When have I ever felt powerful? Is powerful even something I want to feel? I mentioned it to my friend and fellow blogger Aimee Wilson.

M: Here’s the title and image for my next blog post.

A: I love that. What are you thinking about for content?

M: I’m not sure. One thing I’m thinking about is music. Certain songs feel empowering. Also validation. I think that’s empowering too. I’m trying to think of times in my life when I’ve felt powerful or empowered. Not many come to mind! That’s what made me think it’s a good topic to explore.

A: What about blogging and social media, in the sense of having influence with your audience?

M: I wouldn’t say that contributes to me feeling empowered or powerful at all, no. Valuable or valued, yes.

A: That’s interesting. I thought you were going to say it was a good idea! Can I ask why?

M: I guess it depends what we mean by powerful or empowered. With my writing, I write something and put it out there and maybe someone sees it and it resonates with them. But that’s more about them than me. Did that make sense at all?

A: It did… Sort of! Perhaps one way of looking at it is that you have the power of writing something that resonates with someone else?

M: I like that, yes. I take it from the fact you asked the question that blogging contributes to you feeling empowered/powerful?

A: I was going to say “one hundred percent” then, but it’s more funny to say “two million percent!” Well 2.2!

M: I see what you did there! [Aimee’s blog I’m NOT Disordered has over 2.2 million page views.] What does “feeling powerful” mean to you?

A: I think like I said, about being in a position where I can influence a lot of people. But also in mental health terms, it’d be about saying what will help me and just asking for help.

Aimee helped me identify three aspects of feeling powerful: empowerment, agency, and validation. A conversation with another close friend, Jen, established the distinction between healthy and toxic power.

M: The very fact that I can’t think of ever feeling “powerful” convinced me it will be a good topic to explore. Maybe if I reframe it as “empowered” it will be easier to address.

J: I like that. I think it works with that shift. It’s like turning the word upside down.

M: Yes! It’s funny that it should be that way. It’s essentially the same thing (or one aspect of it anyway) yet it makes a difference. When I think of feeling powerful my instinctive response is “Oh, I’ve never been that.” I’m not sure I want to be “powerful.” It feels too aggressive. Forceful. Masculine (in the sense of toxic masculinity).

J: What about empowered?

M: With empowered, I’m like “Well, yes. I guess so. At times ...”

Toxic Power and Empowerment

I’ve written previously about toxic masculinity and gender identity. It’s all too easy to find examples of toxic power in the world today. Turn on any news channel and it’s there. Power employed wantonly, destructively, abusively, on every level from personal to global. That kind of power is born of greed, fear, hatred, and division. We’re all subject to it being wielded by those in political, institutional, or financial power over us. It’s not something I would ever want to own or manifest.

Empowerment is quiet power. It arises from a place of inner strength, grounded confidence, self-knowledge, and self-awareness. It’s the focused power of the martial arts master rather than the thug or mob. For the essence of empowerment in martial art practice, read Karl Douglass’ account in The Gentle Art of Losing Myself. The distinction is clear. As Fran expressed it to me recently, “Powerful is not bullying.” A potent and public example of empowerment was provided recently by Rev. Mariann Budde. The Episcopal bishop of Washington spoke truth to power in her sermon at the Washington National Cathedral, attended by newly inaugurated President Donald Trump.

Agency and Validation

Agency is the ability to influence or affect others, making a positive congribution to and difference in the world. Reframed in this way, I can engage more readily with the idea of being powerful. The book Fran and I wrote, the blog posts I publish here each week, the other content I post on social media, all are shared in the hope they’’ll find an audience open to our message. We don’t do it for kudos or reward. It’s fair to say we’re not inundated with messages from readers eager to let us know how we’ve transformed their lives! But we know our voice is heard, and from time to time someone will reach out to say we’ve helped them or given them food for thought.

Validation reinforces our sense of agency and gives us confidence that we’re doing something of value and relevance to others. It’s a truism that helping other people helps us too. As Robert Ingersoll said, “We rise by lifting others.” A close friend told me recently, “You make a difference in my life Marty, know that.” The feeling is mutual (Hi, Andi!) and I knew it without being told. But there are times when we feel ineffective, powerless, disempowered. A reminder to the contrary is the antidote to disillusionment and apathy.

Being open to receiving compliments, gratitude, and recognition is natural and healthy. It feels good to know we’re valued and making a difference. Needing validation from others is less healthy. Paradoxically, it saps our sense of power and agency. At one time or another, we’ve all found ourselves in that position, waiting nervously for other people — perhaps one person in particular — to acknowledge our contribution or affirm our actions. It’s not a healthy place to be.

What About Me?

So, all that said, what makes me feel powerful, empowered, and validated? As I mentioned in my conversation with Aimee, music can evoke a sense of potency and empowerment in me. I listed some of my favourite tracks in Ten Anthems for Comfort, Celebration, Inspiration, and Healing. Of the ten, the most empowering for me are Eminem’s Lose Yourself, Hammer and Nail by the Indigo Girls, and Let It Go from Disney’s Frozen. To these I’d add Defying Gravity from the 2003 original Broadway cast recording of the musical Wicked with music and lyrics by Stephen Schwartz.

I’ve mentioned validation and encouragement. That’s incredibly important to me and helps keep me on track. It’s worth pointing out that my friends are as likely to challenge me when I get things wrong as they are to acknowledge when I get things right! Both kinds of feedback are valuable to me. They help set the boundaries of my path as I navigate my way through life. Speaking of paths, a few years ago I found myself at something of a crossroads. For various reasons I’d come to realise that many of the ideas and plans I’d held previously were never going to come to fruition. Not so much from lack of trying (though partly that) but because they didn’t align with my strengths, skills, and abilities. In a note to myself I worked through what I needed to cede, and what to focus on. The following is excerpted from those notes, with a few edits for clarity.

Cessation of Illusion

Things to cede because I’m not good at them

• The idea of myself as a mental health speaker.
• The idea of myself as running a Mental Health First Aid team or organisation in the workplace.
• The idea of myself as an organiser of events.

What am I good at?

• One-on-one connections.
• Writing and blogging.
• Listening.

Things to focus on and develop

• Myself.
• My writing.
• My relationships and connections.

Why / benefits?

• To lose the anxiety and stress of trying to do things I’m not good at or struggle with.
• To align with my abilities.
• To focus on what I am good at.

Checking in with myself like this helps me develop my strengths and address areas where I’m less skilled or effective (less powerful). Another approach I use is to tune into what was going on for me when I’ve felt most strong, confident, and good about myself. That said, there’s a difference between what makes us feel good and genuine empowerment. I asked Fran what makes her feel powerful. Her answers are below, but what interested me most was her follow-up question. “Is that what makes me feel powerful, or good? Because there’s a difference.”

Speaking for myself, I think the difference is partly down to ego. Some things, situations, and people help me feel good about myself by pandering to my ego. I feel good, strong, self-confident, and empowered when I feel acknowledged, heard, loved, and valued. There’s nothing wrong with those kinds of feelings, but they are temporary and conditional. Genuine empowerment is rooted in our connection with ourselves rather than the approval of others.

Other Voices

I invited a number of friends how they’d answer the question “What makes you feel powerful?” Here’s a selection of their responses.

Physically: when I go to the theatre in winter and get there without slipping on the ice. When I go to the gym and make it through my boot camp class. When I’m cooking in the kitchen. Emotionally: when I don’t react negatively to people or situations I find triggering. Mentally: when my mind works. Is that what makes me feel powerful, or good? Because there’s a difference.
— Fran

Doing things that have caused me fear (overcoming fear).
— Angela

When I’m playing a computer game and I can be my own god.
— Mike

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive — to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” (quotation attributed to Marcus Aurelius)
— Lisa

Being physically fit, mentally organised, anticipating events, knowing it could all go wrong in a flash, knowing it is probably gonna go okay, being informed through listening to people and reading as much as possible 24/7. Being religious. (Baha’i.) Being very careful around people, being very confident around people, judging my whole thinking and how I am with people against what I know to be right and wrong, listening to folk, knowing when not to listen to folk, knowing when to talk, knowing when to keep my mouth shut, trying to make every day better than the previous one. Stuff like that basically. Oh coffee — that should have come first! Enjoying humour both producing it but best of all hearing it from other people because that’s where the inspiration comes from! Mr Baker is a great supplier of humour!
— Paul

I once rode this horse and they warned me he was very naughty. I got him to behave. I felt powerful then.
— Pam

Knowing I am house bound and can still help others.
— Carol

I’m grateful to everyone who shared their thoughts and ideas. I’ll close with the Serenity Prayer, which Fran finds helpful and empowering. Originally composed by Protestant theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the early 1930s, the prayer has gone through numerous edits and rephrasings. This is the arguably most commonly known version today:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Over to You

In this post I’ve explored what feeling powerful means to me, with contributions from friends who’ve shared their thoughts and experiences. What does feeling powerful mean to you? Is power a good thing? When have you felt most powerful or empowered? We’d love to hear your ideas, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Toa Heftiba at Unsplash.