Quiz: How Much Do You Know About Fran and Marty?

Fran and I write a lot about our lives and friendship, so we thought it would be fun to see how much our readers know about us! There are no prizes but we’d love to hear how you got on!

Answers are at the bottom of this post. No cheating!

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THE QUESTIONS

Merry Meetings

Q1. When and how did we first meet?

Q2. We’ve met once in person. In what year? Bonus point for where.

Q3. In which city did Fran wave to Marty on webcam from the deck of the cruise ship Eurodam?

Time and Place

Q4. What is the time difference in hours between Porland, Maine and Newcastle, Tyne and Wear?

Q5. How far apart are we when we’re each in our respective homes? 1,000 miles, 2,000 miles, or 3,000 miles.

Q6. Where was Martin born: London, Norwich, or Liverpool?

Wellness and Illness

Q7. Which of the following is not a type of bipolar disorder? Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2, Bipolar 3, Cyclothymic Disorder.

Q8. What is the term for an inability to define or express one’s emotions?

Who and What?

Q9. Who is Martin’s favourite French-Algerian philosopher? Albert Camus or Christopher Hitchens?

Q10. What colour is the cover of our second book, No One is Too Far Away: Notes From a Transatlantic Friendship?

Of Books and Blogs

Q11. We had each published books before we met. True or false?

Q12. In what year was our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder first published?

Q13. Why is our blog called Gum on My Shoe?

Photo Round

Q14. Where is this?

Q15. Where is this? Bonus point for what we were doing there.

Who Wrote That?

Q16. Who wrote this, Martin or Fran?

high tide low tide edgeness.. what else is there to do but live life..

Q17. Who wrote this, Martin or Fran?

The measure of us is that I have grown to trust myself with you, and to trust yourself with me.

Q18. Who wrote this, Martin or Fran?

Give people what they need. Not what you need to give them.

And Finally

Q19. What are our middle names?

Q20. What is Marty’s favourite drink?

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THE ANSWERS

A1. Fran and Martin met online in May 6, 2011, on the Facebook page of a mutual friend.

A2. We met in person for the first and only time (so far) in June 2013, at the Queen Elizabeth II Cruise Teminal in Southampton, England. The following is from our book High Tide, Low Tide.

I left the hotel shortly afterwards, and parked at the cruise terminal well ahead of schedule. All my frustrations and uncertainty melted away once I was there. I took photographs of the [RMS] Queen Mary 2, and waited in the terminal building for Fran and her parents to come ashore.

And then, all in a moment, they were there. Fran was there. Not three thousand miles away on webcam, but standing in front of me. We hugged across the barrier. My excitement must have been obvious, because Fran’s first words to me were “You’re shaking!”

A3. This delightful event took place in Halifax, Nova Scotia as Fran was on her way back to the US from her three month trip around Europe with her parents.

It’s recounted in chapter 9 (“A Hero’s Journey: Sticking Together When Things Fall Apart.”) of our book High Tide Low Tide.

Martin: Frannie, I have the ship on webcam! I watched you coming in. The camera is looking down on the ship from outside the terminal.

Fran: Would you see me if I waved?

Martin: Maybe! Are you at a window?

Fran: I could go up top on the back deck..

Martin: Yes do! Let me know when you get there!

Fran: OK.. I’m by the stacks..

Martin: I think I can see you! Walk about a bit.

Fran: I’m right by the railing..

Martin: Yes! I can see you! I am waving!

A4. Fran and I are normally five hours apart. This changes to four hours for two weeks in the spring and one week in the autumn due to the US and UK switching to/from daylight saving time on different dates.

A5. According to one online calculator, Fran’s home on the north-east coast of the United States lies just over 3,050 miles (4,910 km) from mine in the north-east of England. As we like to say, “no one is too far away to be cared for or to care.”

A6. Martin was born in Liverpool, England, in 1961. He spent six months in Norwich while on placement from university. After graduating in 1984, Martin lived in London for three years before moving north to Newcastle upon Tyne where he’s lived ever since.

A7. Different types of bipolar disorder are distinguished by patterns and severity of symptoms. The DSM-V identifies four basic types: Bipolar 1 Disorder, Bipolar 2 Disorder, Cyclothymic Disorder, Other Specified and Unspecified Bipolar and Related Disorders.

A8. This condition is known as alexithymia or emotional blindness. Martin had lived with this all his adult life without realising it had a name. He has written about it in two blog posts: How Do I Feel? Exploring Alexithymia and Emotional Blindness and How Do I Feel Now? Living with Alexithymia.

A9. Martin’s favourite French-Algerian philosopher is Albert Camus. He’s written about Camus’ philosophy of Absurdism in One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy: Encounters With the Absurd Man. The late Christopher Hitchens featured in Martin’s selection of twelve men he admires, published for International Men’s Day 2024.

A10. The cover of No One is Too Far Away: Notes From a Transatlantic Friendship is blue with orange details.

A11. This is true. Fran’s book For the Love of Peaks: Island Portraits and Stories was published by Maine Authors Publishing in 2010. Martin self-published a collection of his poetry, Collected Poems: 1977–1984, in 2008.

A12. High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder was first published in 2016 by Nordland Publishing. The Revised Edition was published by Kingston Park Publishing in 2021.

A13. As our website and Facebook page declare, “Gum on My Shoe is a creative partnership between best friends Martin Baker and Fran Houston.” That’s clear enough — and true — but you might wonder why we chose such an unusual name and what it means. It dates back to a conversation Fran and I had not long after we met in 2011.

“You’re stuck with me now, Fran. I hope you realise that.”

“Like gum on my shoe...”

As for what gum on my shoe actually means to us:

[Gum on My Shoe captures] several important aspects of our friendship. First, that Fran is “stuck with me.” I am not going anywhere. I am here for her no matter what; through good times (there are many) and not so good (there are many). I am the “gum on her shoe” that keeps her grounded, and helps hold her here in this life even — especially — when she wants to leave. It also turns on its head the notion that ill ones are a burden to those around them. I am not locked into a relationship of servitude: we are equals in a mutually supportive friendship.

A14. This is the former STACK Newcastle, one of Martin’s four happy places.

A15. This was taken at live music venue Blue in Portland, Maine. The event was a launch party for our book High Tide Low Tide, and a fundraiser for mental health nonprofit Family Hope. You can watch the event on our YouTube channel: part 1, part 2, part 3.

A16. This was one of Fran’s short form poems, written on Peaks Island in 2012.

A17. That line is taken from Martin’s poem “Friend, how did we come here.”

A18. This important reminder was written by Fran.

A19. Frances Joy Houston, and Martin Keith Baker.

A20. To quote Lorelai Gilmore from the comedy drama television series Gilmore Girls, “Coffee coffee coffee!”

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How Did You Do?

0 – 5: We’re glad you’re here!

6 – 10: You’re clearly paying attention!

11 – 15: We’re seriously impressed!

16 – 18: Fancy writing our biographies?

Over 18: That’s actually a little bit scary!

 

Photo of Martin and Fran by Gary Bakelaar, Beaulieu, June 2013. Other photos by Martin Baker.

 

One Photo a Day: How Daily Creativity Can Improve Your Mental Health and Well-Being

In this post I’ll explore how daily creativity can benefit our mental health, self-confidence, and sense of connection to others. I’ll focus on the work of four photographers (Clark James Mishler, Brandon Stanton, Sirkka-Liisa Konttinen, and Ellis Ducharme) and one artist (Devon Rodriguez). I’ll also draw on my experiences with daily photography and writing.

Engagement

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with Fran in which she mentioned a photographer in Alaska who took one photograph a day. The photographer is Clark James Mishler, a documentary portrait photographer based in Calistoga, California. He relocated to Anchorage in the early 1980s where he spent four decades as Alaska’s premier environmental portrait photographer. There’s a fascinating behind-the-scenes video of Mishler at work on the Frontier Scientists YouTube channel. His approach to street portraiture (“Would you guys mind participating in a photo shoot?”) impresses and terrifies me — the latter because I can’t imagine having that degree of self-confidence. I’ve only once or twice dared to ask a stranger if I might take their portrait. The closest I’ve come was striking up conversations with people while volunteering with the mental health charity Time to Change. My first such experience was at the Newcastle Mental Health Day event in 2016.

Our remit was to engage members of the public in conversation about mental health. This was utterly new territory for me, but I knew I wasn’t the only one volunteering for the first time. It was scary, but I felt fully supported. My first conversations were a little tentative, but I soon settled into things.

I have nothing but respect for those able to engage confidently with people they don’t know. Mishler aside, I’m thinking of street photographers and artists such as Brandon Stanton and Devon Rodriguez.

Amateur photographer Brandon Stanton moved to New York in 2010. Fascinated by city’s characters he started taking street portraits of the people he met, sharing them online as Humans of New York. What began as a personal project has become a global sensation. According to the Humans of New York website, “HONY now has over twenty million followers on social media, and provides a worldwide audience with daily glimpses into the lives of strangers on the streets of New York City.” Devon Rodriguez is an American artist from New York City. He initially gained recognition for drawing a series of realistic portraits of commuters on the New York City Subway. I discovered him recently through this extraordinary video of him drawing and talking with a talented hairstylist.

Connection and Challenge

Mishler, Stanton, and Rodriguez all make a point of exploring the personalities and stories of the people they feature in their work. In an interview for Frontier Scientists, Mishler said he considers his shots not only from an artistic viewpoint but also anthropologically.

All these kind of environmental factors are going to be very interesting to people — anthropologists and general people — in the future when we are looking back at this time, this place, saying “Who were these people?”, “What was the weather like on that day?”, “What was that corner of Anchorage like on that day and how is it different now?”

These wider human perspectives are something I’ve found difficult to navigate in the past. In 2015 I visited an exhibition at the Laing Gallery in Newcastle by Finnish photographer Sirkka-Liisa Konttinen. The black and white images of life in the north east of England in the 1970s and 1980s left me intensely uncomfortable. My blog post For Ever Amber: Pictures at an Exhibition includes a chat conversation I had with Fran at the time.

Marty: Wonderful exhibition of photography. Local documentary photos. Gritty, real. Real life.. Real people.. Hopelessness.. Poverty.. Unemployment.. Dirt.. It’s depressing.. But also there is hope there.. That life goes on no matter what.. Not an easy exhibition for me. There is nowhere to hide. It is human. Humanity doing what it does.

Fran: What do you feel? Mad glad sad afraid?

Marty: Ignorant. Naive. Inadequate. Privileged. But also that I am these days a little less of those things. That it’s up to me if I want to change. It is in my power to do so.

I think what disturbed me most was being confronted by the uncompromising reality of other people’s lives; lives of which I had no personal experience. I found it difficult to see beyond the grime and poverty and celebrate the warmth and humanity of the lives depicted. The fact that Konttinen’s images affected me so strongly is a testament not only to her skills as a photographer but also to the power of documentary photography to challenge and inform. I still feel naive and inadequate in many respects and my life is certainly still privileged. But I’d say — I’d hope — I’m more open than I was ten years ago to the circumstances and challenges of other people.

My Experience of Daily Photography

Many years ago I had an account at Fotolog, an online social media community which encouraged members to post one photograph each day. It was possible to skip days but you could only upload one image per day. I found the discipline invigourating, and I met a number of interesting people through the website. One, a very talented artist, became a dear friend. Fotolog ceased operation in 2019. I’m not aware of any similar sites or apps with the one photo a day restriction, but it would be possible to follow that discipline using other social media platforms.

In 2016 I got into the habit of sending Fran a daily photo of a particular tree close to my home. I did so almost every time I left the house for a walk, mostly in the morning on my way to work. I described these beginnings years later in Of Fellings and Feelings: An Exploration of Loss and Renewal.

As I walk to the Metro station, I message Fran good morning for when she wakes later, and send a photo of the tree and path just outside our court. This is a new tradition, started a couple of months ago when the leaves on that tree were first turning towards autumn. It’s a nice way of sharing how the weather is here in Newcastle without getting all meteorological.

That blog post was written to commemorate the dual loss of our tree and the more famous “Robin Hood tree” at Sycamore Gap in Northumberland, England. During covid lockdown in 2020 I took the permitted daily walks for exercise. Walking the same route day after day, sometimes two or three times a day, imposed a structure that paradoxically gave me the opportunity to notice the small changes that are so easily overlooked. The difference in light from one time of day to another. The ever changing skyscapes. The shifts in colour and foliage as the seasons turned. I didn’t take photographs every day, but I’d often return with a selection of images to share online with friends and followers.

Mental Health and Well-Being

The benefits of daily creativity are nowhere better expressed than by Maine photographer Ellis Ducharme, who shared his story with us on our blog last year. In Six Feet Above: A Conversation With Ellis Ducharme he described how the discipline of going out to shoot one image each day helped him navigate a particularly difficult period in his life.

Thankfully, my wife could see what was happening to me, and she suggested that even though I was incredibly busy and didn’t have time for much, I had time to go out and take a single photo each day just to prove to myself that I did have the ability to be creative and make my own decisions. [...] I would continue on this schedule for about three years, taking a single photo somewhere in the natural span of my day, retouching it and posting it with a timestamp and where my mindset was that day. I still will occasionally add to this series, but at the beginning where I was doing it every day like clockwork, it entirely carried me out of that low spot, and I believe that it saved my life.

In researching this post I came across a book by Joost Joossen titled One Photo a Day Keeps the Doctor Away: Inspiring Ways to Slow Down and Look Around. According to the blurb the author presents “160 photography challenges that help you to slow down and look around. [...] Taking a moment out of your busy day to create a thoughtful image will sharpen your focus and creativity.” I’ve not read the book but I recognise the value of prompts when it comes to writing. I’ve previously shared 40 Mental Health Blog Topics From the Caring Friend’s Perspective and 21 Image Prompts for the Mental Health Blogger.

Creativity and Community

Writing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I recently celebrated having kept a daily diary for the past fifty years, and publish a new blog post here every week. I find the discipline helpful and motivating. Rather than just being “something I do” writing is an integral part of who I am. It’s fundamental to how I navigate whatever’s happening to and around me. The act of writing itself grants me an escape into a world of my own, but writing also connects me with other people and gives me an opportunity to benefit from their perspective and experience. That’s most obviously true of my blog posts, many of which are inspired by conversations with friends and colleagues. Fran and I wrote our books and maintain our blog as ways of sharing our experiences and ideas, in the hope they might be helpful or beneficial to others.

I’ve never taken part in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) but such initiatives are another approach to disciplined creativity. Others include Inktober (one pen and ink drawing each day through October) and NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month) in which participating poets aim to write a poem a day for the month of April. Initiatives such as these offer encouragement and also provide a sense of community with the opportunity to connect with other participants.

I know how valuable it is to have someone who engages in the same creative pursuits. In particular, I value my dear friend and fellow mental health blogger Aimee Wilson, who blogs at I’m NOT Disordered. We both benefit enormously from having someone who understands the rigours, challenges, and delights, of writing on a regular if not daily basis. This level of understanding is expressed perfectly on a coffee mug Aimee gifted me a couple of years ago.

I MIGHT LOOK LIKE
I’M LISTENING TO YOU
but in my head
I’M THINKING ABOUT
BLOGGING

No matter your creative sphere, regular engagement allows you to develop your talents and explore your art’s relation to your life as a whole. Writing every day benefits my sense of who I am. It also allows me to engage more meaningfully with others and the world around me.

Over to You

In this post I’ve explored the benefits of creative discipline. I’ve focused — pun intended — on taking one photograph a day, but the idea can be adapted to other frequencies and any creative pursuit. Have you taken part in anything of this kind, and if so did you find it helpful? Do you take photographs, write, paint, or pursue other creative activities in a regular or structured way? Creative or otherwise, what regular activities do you find helpful to your well-being? Fran and I would love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Jakob Owens at Unsplash.

 

Getting Well and Staying Well

This article is excerpted from chapter 3, “The Way to Wellness: Treatments, Therapies, and Vigilance,” of our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder.

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Getting Well and Staying Well

In the last chapter [The Illness Experience: Understanding Your Friend’s Diagnosis and Symptoms] we explored the symptoms Fran lives with day-to-day. Let’s turn now to how she limits their impact, so as to live as fully and richly as possible. We discuss only medications, therapies, and other treatments Fran has used personally. These may not be directly relevant to your friend’s situation. As Fran expresses it, “What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. We need to find our own ways and make peace with them.”

It is also important to note that no strategy works forever. What we report as having worked for Fran in the past may not do so in the future. In the realm of chronic illness, wellness is a dynamic experience. We hope, nevertheless, to convey two important messages. The first is that there is no magic fix. Complex conditions such as bipolar disorder are likely to require multidisciplinary approaches including medication, therapies, and behavioural strategies. The second message is that it takes formidable commitment to stay as well as possible. It is not unreasonable to hope for dramatic improvements, but they can be a long time arriving, and may not last as long as you and your friend would hope. If so, it is not your friend’s fault — nor is it yours.

The Nature of Wellness

We all want the best for the people we care about. If they are ill or hurting, we want them to get better. But for someone with chronic illness “getting better” is not like waiting for a broken arm to mend or an infection to clear. Wellness can never be taken for granted. It is neither a prize to be won nor a place of safety to be reached. It is more like a skill that can be developed, practiced, and refined. Medication has a role to play, but there is a lot more to it than remembering to take your tablets.

For me the basics of wellness are nutrition, exercise, sleep, and hygiene. Those are non-negotiable. I start wherever I am and make the tiniest of shifts and changes, whatever I can handle at the time. It’s as if your body/mind is a spaceship and you are creating the owner’s manual. You are the only one who gets to make those choices. You can then share this manual with others who can support you in your process.

Acceptance is critical. It was only when I came to utterly accept my illnesses and myself, stopped desperately looking for fixes, and realized that there was nothing outside myself that would save me that my life began. I started being truly responsible and caring for myself.

There have been many things that have helped me and many things that have hurt me. I have also significantly hurt myself by my own thinking and actions. I learned that I could change that. I may not be able to be cured but I can stop making things worse. That was a revelation. I started being responsible for whatever I could, instead of blaming everything and everyone else for my problems: the doctor, the meds, friends, other people. I started owning my life.

Clinical Compliance

Also called adherence, compliance describes how closely a patient follows (is compliant with) medical advice. It can be tempting to stop taking medication if it causes unpleasant side effects, if it seems not to be working, or once symptoms have eased. It often takes time, however, for drugs to take effect, and it may be necessary to try several different treatments, individually or in combination, until a balance is found between the positive benefits and unwanted side effects.

It is rare for Fran to miss a dose, and she consults with her doctor before stopping a course of medication or starting something new. When traveling, or if her routine is otherwise likely to be disturbed, she asks me to remind her to take her tablets on time. There is also a social aspect to compliance. People sometimes see unstable behaviour and incorrectly assume the person has stopped doing all he or she can to stay as well as possible. This happened to Fran and it hurt her deeply.

[Many people] were mad at me for apparently going off my meds during what was the most excruciating manic experience I have ever had. I can understand how people might think that, especially if they do not have experience of friends or family with mental illness, but it simply was not true. I have been on many different medications over the years, and have always been completely compliant in taking them.

The truth is that no meds are perfect, and what I was taking simply stopped working for me. I saw my psychiatrist on a weekly basis, and kept all my other appointments. When my medication was changed by my psychiatrist my mania came back under control, though it was very difficult dealing with the transition and side effects, and the deep suicidal depression which came afterwards.

Bear this in mind if you are concerned that your friend might have stopped taking their medication, or accidentally missed a dose or two. There is a big difference between gently asking what is going on, and accusing your friend of careless or unhealthy behaviour.

 

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash.

 

How to Be There for a Friend: Seven Suggestions for Time to Talk Day

When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark.

— Unknown

Falling this year on February 6, Time to Talk Day focuses on creating supportive communities by having conversations with family, friends, or colleagues about mental health. By talking about our mental health we can better support ourselves and others.

For last year’s Time to Talk Day I explored something that’s rarely discussed in the context of this kind of conversation: repetition. This year, I’d like to offer a few practical tips for supporting friends and loved ones with their mental health. It’s easy enough to encourage people to talk, but how do you respond when they do?

These suggestions are based on my thirteen year mutually supportive friendship with my best friend Fran, who lives with bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME). For more tips and information check out our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder.

1. Talking about Mental Health Isn’t Easy. Don’t Make it Harder.

No one finds it easy to say they’re going through a tough patch and need someone to listen. Think about the last time you were feeling low, stressed, or struggling in some way with your physical or mental health, or with life in general. How easy was it for you to reach out? Your friend or loved one may be desperate for contact, help, and support, but find it really hard to take that first step.

Time to Talk Day reminds us that every conversation is a two way thing. The responsibility for connecting can’t rest solely on the shoulders of the person needing support. It falls to each of us to be open about what we’re going through, and proactive in checking in on others. It’s important to respect the fact that someone might not want to talk (this is something I’ve discussed previously) but don’t be put off by an initial “I’m fine” if you feel something is wrong. Following up with “Are you sure?” gives the other person permission to open up, confident that you really do want to hear what they have to say.

2. Mental Health Isn’t Just for Time to Talk Day

Don’t imagine you’ve done your duty as a friend because you had one chat over coffee on Time to Talk Day. Mental illness doesn’t pack itself away on February 7 until the next awareness event comes along. Your friend or loved one may need someone to talk to on any day of the year. That might be every now and again when things are especially tough for them, most days, or every day.

Fran’s mental health is part of her day-to-day reality, and we talk about it in that context. If she’s having a rough time, we talk about it. If I sense something is “off” in any way, I bring it up. As we like to say, vigilance is a team activity. When things are going well, we talk about whatever else is going on for us. Happy and sad. Good and not so good. Just like friends do the world over, whether mental illness is present in their lives or not.

3. Be an Accountability Buddy

Depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical health conditions including chronic fatigue, pain, and insomnia can make otherwise straightforward tasks difficult to accomplish. It can help to have an accountability buddy to keep us on track. Fran and I often share our tasks for the day with one another, especially any we’ve been putting off or are struggling to complete. Having an accountability partner keeps us focused, and feel less alone with our tasks. It’s satisfying to have someone to tell when we’ve ticked an item off our list, no matter how small or large it might seem to anyone else. It’s something I’ve done with other friends too, at different times. Taking a shower, putting out the trash, writing an e-mail, preparing a shopping list, cooking a meal, sorting through the mail; tasks such as these are easier to manage when we don’t feel alone in facing them.

4. Encouragment and Celebration

Encouragement goes hand in hand with accountability. You’re not responsible for someone else taking the steps necessary to become and stay as well as possible. However, you can make a huge difference by making it clear you’re on their team — and not just when they’re winning. Encouragement is more than offering a flippant “You can do it!” or admonishing them to “snap out of it” or go for a walk. Meaningful encouragement acknowledges what your friend or loved one is dealing with, including any restrictions there might be on what they can achieve at that moment. A good friend of mine occasionally requests a pep talk. I remind her of the many things she’s accomplished, and help bring her focus to whatever task or situation she’s having difficulty with. That might seem a small thing to do, but it helps. Sometimes it’s small things that are most needed.

Celebrating with our friends is also incredibly valuable. Be the person your friend turns to when they’ve met their goals, no matter how small they might seem by society’s standards. Taking that shower when depression makes everything feel like an assault on Everest; attending a social event despite crippling social anxiety; going six months — or six days — dry, clean, or free from self-harm; these are all huge achievements and worth of celebrating. We’ve discussed this previously in For the Win! Celebrate Your Successes in Your Own Way.

5. Offer Practical Help

Your friend or loved one might just need someone to talk to, but there may be times when we can offer practical help and support. The following list is not exhaustive

If someone struggles to use the telephone, offer to make a crucial call on their behalf. A friend recently asked me to do this, and I was happy to oblige.

It can be very difficult to know where to turn for help and support. If your friend is struggling to navigate professional services or health providers, offer to help them research options.

If you have a car and live close enough, consider offering a ride to appointments if they’d otherwise struggle to attend. If that’s not feasible, covering the cost of a taxi ride could make all the difference.

Being the first person someone thinks to call after a difficult appointment or when they’re distressed for any reason means a great deal to me. I’ve likewise kept friends company on calls or by chat when they’ve gone shopping or while they’ve been in hospital. Distance needn’t be an abstacle. Despite living on opposite sides of the Atlantic, Fran and I regularly accompany each other on walks, using voice or video calls.

If someone is lost in the middle of Europe, confused about how to get to their hotel, consider offering to track their location online and guide them to their destination. That one might seem unlikely, but I’ve acted as a human GPS for Fran on several occasions. As described in our book, “Fran and co. went to Cologne Zoo today, and then drove to Oberhausen. That was interesting because they got lost and I ended up navigating them to the hotel. Fran said it was like having an angel in the car with them! It meant a lot to me too.”

6. Encourage Professional Support

As valuable as it can be to have someone to talk things over with, friends and family are no substitute for professional support. Encourage your loved one to check in with their doctor, to take any medication they’ve been prescribed, and keep appointments. If they find it stressful or overwhelming to prepare for appointments, offer to help them draft notes to take along. For years now, I’ve helped Fran prepare notes for her psychiatrist appointments. Depending on the circumstances, it may be possible to attend appointments with them, virtually or otherwise. I’ve done this for Fran on several occasions.

7. It’s Not All About Mental Health

Mental health is just one aspect of a healthy friendship or relationship. We’re more than health conditions we live with, and no one wants to focus exclusively on issues and symptoms when there’s so much more going on to explore with those we care about and who care for us.

Be open to having a conversation about mental health whenever either of you wants to, but don’t make it the sole focus of your connection. When Fran and I first conceived the idea for our book, I told her I’d never looked on her as “someone living with illness.” I saw her as my friend. She replied, “That’s the point, Marty! It is how you are with me. People do not usually treat me that way once they know I have illness. It is a powerful thing. It has helped me see that I am not just my illnesses. I have value and gifts to give.”

In a similar way, one of my closest friends has told me several time she appreciates the fact we’re present in each other’s lives for the good stuff as well as when times are hard. That’s the difference we can all make. Not by having one conversation a year on Time to Talk Day, but by being present in each other’s lives.

Over to You

In this post I’ve shared a few ways to help support a friend or loved one. Fran and I would love to know what you think of them, and any tips, insights, or suggestions you have from your own experience. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Matthew Ball at Unsplash.

 

Our Top Posts of the Month (January 2025)

Check out our top posts for the past month. Posts are listed by the number of page views they attracted during the month, most popular first.

1. Shhhhhhh! A Friend’s Guide to Secrets
2. The Box on the Shelf: A Strategy for Handling Difficult Issues and Situations
3. It’s Not Enough / Never Enough
4. It’s Time to Talk. But What If You Don’t Want To?
5. The Empathy Factor: Exploring Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion
6. One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy: Encounters With the Absurd Man
7. Thank You Anyway: The Gift of Ingratitude
8. I’m Weak and What’s Wrong With That?
9. How to Use a Spreadsheet for Wellness and Self-Care
10. I Hope We All Make It

Our most visited pages were:

1. Contact Us
2. Our books
3. About Us
4. News and Appearances
5. Resources
6. Testimonials

 

Photo by Martin Baker.