The Real BFFs: Best and Fairest Friends Who Know the Difference Between "I'm Fine" and "I'm F-I-N-E"

Noun

best and fairest (plural best and fairests)
(Australia, sports, rugby, Australian rules football) an award given to a player deemed to have been the best performer in a game or over a season.

See also: MVP [Most Valued Player], man or woman of the match

I recently learned of the Australian sporting term best and fairest. It’s used to recognise the best player on a team, often reflecting both their skill and sportsmanship. More generally, it describes a player who is exceptional in some way or has made a significant impact. It struck me as an accolade deserving of wider use, specifically in the context of being a best and fairest friend. In this post I’ll explore what being a best and fairest friend means in a friendship where one person lives with a mental health condition. I’ll focus on bipolar disorder, but the principle isn’t limited to any particular diagnosis or label. Most of the examples will be drawn from my fourteen year connection with my best friend Fran who lives with three chronic health conditions: bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS), and fibromyalgia.

What Being a Best and Fairest Friend Isn’t — and Is

Best and fairest friends aren’t therapists, medics, psychiatrists, or trained crisis workers. (If your BFF is any of those things, hold on to them, but Fran’s excitement at learning I had a First Class degree in pharmacy was short-lived. My four years at university taught me little of value in supporting her as a friend.) A BFF may not be able to list their friend’s clinical history or remember all their current medications. They may not have memorised the DSM criteria for their friend’s condition. But somehow they get it. Not by accident, but by caring, by asking the right questions and by being open to learn what their friend’s diagnosis means for them.

“I’m Fine”

There’s no clearer example of this than how we respond to hearing the words, I’m fine. Fran hates being asked how she’s doing. I’ll get away with it occasionally, especially if she’s been poorly in some specific respect such as a headache, neck pain, or several consecutive bad days. She hates it because of the societal expectation to reply “I’m fine, thanks,” regardless of how you’re actually feeling. She summed this up in her 2010 autobiographical essay Lessons of the Night.

“How are you?” Another hated and seemingly innocuous question. The simple answer is F–I–N–E. F**ked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional. Most friends really don’t want the long answer. This way I can simply smile and be honest gracefully.

But best and fairest friends really do want the long answer. The honest answer. Every time.

Vigilance Is a BFF Sport

If you live with bipolar disorder or know someone who does you’ll know that communicating isn’t just about the words. Sometimes, it’s about the gaps between the words. The pauses and silences which might signal depression, withdrawal, or hyperfocus elsewhere. The all-of-a-sudden urgency to share the latest brilliant plans at two in the morning. The periods of relative silence after weeks of high-energy voice messages and rambling, exotically punctuated e-mails.

Best and fairest friends are vigilant. They notice the changes in the nature and frequency of the connection, and what that might signify. They’re the ones who’ll respond to “I’m fine” by pausing a moment before asking “Are you really? Or are we pretending?” Being a BFF doesn’t confer the right to know everything that’s going on, of course. Your friend may not want to share with you right now and that’s okay. It’s about being there to hold space for your friend if and when they want it.

How to Be a Best and Fairest Friend

If you want to support someone living with a mental health condition, there’s good news. You don’t need to be a mental health expert or a mind reader. As I admit in our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder I knew very little about mental illness before I met Fran.

I have learned a great deal since then, and I am still learning. It is okay to be less than perfect, because none of us are. It is okay to get things wrong sometimes; we all do that. It is okay to become upset and frustrated; we all feel like that from time to time. What counts is showing up, having the courage to be honest with yourself and with your friend about what is happening, and finding a way through to the other side.

And again, answering the question “What is the secret of your friendship?”

Is there a secret? No. There really is nothing special about us! We are friends, and like friends the world over we handle what comes up as best we can. But while there is no great secret to share, there are qualities which are crucial to our success as friends. We trust each other, we are open and honest, and we love to connect.

Every person is different, but here’s what being a best and fairest friend might look like.

Check in gently with your friend. Instead of “What’s wrong now?” you might reach out with “Hi. I was just thinking of you. How are things with you today?” That today brings the focus in to what’s happening right now, rather than asking them to account for everything that’s happened since you were last in touch. I know Fran lives with illness and her life is often difficult. But, how are things today? Can I help with anything today?

Offering options respects your friend’s autonomy and preferences. What do you need? Would you like a call or is chat better for you right now? Do you want to vent or talk things through? Do you want suggestions or for me to just listen? How about we set it all aside for a while and watch TV together? What would you like to watch?

You can spend quality time with your friend without talking about mental health. Fran and I enjoy reading to each other, and often share comfortable quiet time together.

Consistency is an important quality in a best and fairest friend. More than anything else, what matters is your presence. Be the person your friend knows will be there for them.

And if they tell you they’re fine, trust your instincts. Challenge gently if things feel off to you, but sometimes I’m fine means exactly that. In which case, saying, “Cool. Just know I’m here if that changes,” is everything. This can be challenging if you’re used to being their first port of call. It’s something I’ve blogged about before, so check out What to Do When Your Loved One With Bipolar Is Doing OK and How to Be There for Your Friend When They Need Space if you’d like to know more.

BFFs Need Care Too

Being someone’s best and fairest friend is a great thing but it brings its own challenges. Being the go-to emotional support person for someone — or several someones — can be quietly exhausting, and occasionally overwhelming. Boundaries are important. What these look like will vary from person to person, but maintaining healthy boundaries respects your availability, time, and resources. It also gives your friend the opportunity to develop a wider support network, and can go a long way to countering co-dependency.

For example, it’s okay to say, “I love you, but I don’t have the capacity right now.” As much as you care about your friend, you have other priorities, activities, and people in your life and they’ll sometimes need to take precedence. Be upfront and honest with your friend if you need to step away for any reason so they understand what’s going on.

Acknowledging the Best and Fairests in Our Life

Healthy friendships thrive when both people feel valued and cared for. That doesn’t change because one person lives with illness. It’s why Fran and I always describe our long-term, long distance friendship as mutually supportive. We’re best friends because we show up for each other. Friendship is important to everyone, but in the realm of mental health it can be life-changing. Life-saving, even. As Fran expressed it in the epilogue to our book:

There are many like me who live in invisible institutions of stigma, shame, and silence, the walls built by others from without, or by ourselves from within. [...] Stick around. It may not be easy but you can help someone make a life worth living. Maybe even save a life.

So let’s take a moment to acknowledge those who are there for us, and those who trust us to be there for them. Whether you’re the one saying “I’m fine” and hoping someone understands, or the one reading between the lines, reach out to recognise what you have. A “thank-you for being in my life” text or message. A silly gif. That private joke that always makes you both smile. Whatever your friendship language is, use it. Today. Because best and fairests aren’t merely good friends. They’re rare. If you have one, that’s worth celebrating. If you are one, that’s awesome too!

If you’d like to reward the BFF in your life, check out these Best and Fairest pin badges.