The inspiration for this post was a recent chat conversation with my friend Jen. In the space of an hour, I twice said something to which she replied “Yeah. Exactly.” That simple validation meant a lot because it confirmed we were on the same page. Thinking about it afterwards, it struck me how important this kind of validation can be.
It’s particularly helpful when the experience or situation being shared isn’t common to both people involved. That’s often the case when I’m talking with someone I don’t know, or if we’re discussing their mental or physical health, suicidality or self-harm, trauma, rape, or abuse. I’ve written elsewhere how I approach such situations.
- How to Give Mental Health Help and Advice to People You Don’t Know
- How Are You, Really? Eight Things I’ve Learned About Suicidality and Self-Harm
- I Believe You. It wasn’t Your Fault. You Are not Alone. Being There for a Friend Who’s Survived Rape or Sexual Abuse
- Are You Okay Talking About This? Trust and Boundaries in Caring Friendships.
In this post I want to share a few ideas to keep you and the person you’re talking to on the same page, no matter what you’re discussing.
I’m Thinking That ...
It can be difficult to know what to say when you have no equivalent experiences to draw upon. It’s tempting to respond with “I understand” or “I get what you mean” — but do you, really? Comments such as these can come across as condescending, especially if your friend is aware of your lack of corresponding experience. It’s better to acknowledge that your understanding is, at best, partial. In such situations, I might begin an exploratory sentence with “I’m thinking that ...”
Imagine a friend tells you they’ve been sleeping poorly. Without further information, it might not be obvious how much this is affecting them. Chronic insomnia can be far more serious than is appreciated by those of us whose idea of a bad night’s sleep is taking longer than usual to drop off. It can affect almost every aspect of a person’s life, mentally and physically. Unless you’re certain your friend’s insomnia is temporary or has a simple explanation, don’t assume you understand what they’re dealing with.
Rather than leap in with potential fixes (sentences that begin “Have you tried ...” are never a good idea), attempted solidarity (“I’ve not been sleeping very well either.”), or trite commiserations (“I’m sorry to hear that. It must be awful.”) I might respond more tentatively, taking into account what I know about insomnia in general and my friend’s situation in particular.
“I’m thinking that makes everything you’re dealing with harder.”
A response like this lets my friend know I’m aware how devastating insomnia can be, without making assumptions about how serious it is for them. Rather than derail the conversation, I invite my friend to clarify my thinking, or go into more detail if they want to.
Did That Make Sense?
Another useful technique is to ask if what you’ve just said makes sense to your friend. You’re not telling them how things are. You’re sharing your perspective and inviting them to say if you’re on the right track. It’s equally useful when you’re talking about what’s going on for you and want to check your friend follows what you’re saying. You’re not necessarily asking if they agree with you, just if they understand what you said. If so, you can take things forward, confident you’re on the same page. If not, you have the opportunity to rephrase or reframe what you were saying. I tend to use it more in chat than in face-to-face conversation, especially if I’ve expressed something at length, or feel I might have strayed off track.
Yes! Exactly!
It feels great to have your thoughts and feelings validated, but it’s not an end point in itself. Think of those “Yes! Exactly!” or “That makes perfect sense to me!” moments as waypoints on your journey towards even greater understanding. No matter how many affirmations you receive, you can never fully understand what your friend is experiencing. As hard as it may be to hear, it’s not their responsibility to educate you. As I’ve written elsewhere with respect to mental health, “[w]hatever your friend’s situation, approach educating yourself about it as a privileged insight into something you may never fully understand.” The same applies to physical health and other significant life experiences, including trauma, abuse, self-harm, and suicidality. Take the time to inform yourself.
It would be remiss of me not to mention those delightful times when you and your friend come out with almost exactly the same thing at the same time. It’s a fabulous feeling and one that happens regularly with several of my friends. (Louise and Aimee, I’m thinking of you in particular!) At such times it’s hard to resist the sensation that we’re actually one mind in two bodies!
Errrrrm. No.
Remember that neither of you is psychic and it’s okay to not be perfectly attuned at all times. Checking in with each other is an opportunity to adjust your perspectives where necessary. Receiving an “Errrm, no, that’s not what I meant” or an “Actually no, I don’t understand what you just said” doesn’t imply a failure in communication. In fact, it’s a success, because you’ve learned something about yourselves and your mutual level of understanding.
Aimee and I have a running joke which began a couple of years ago. Neither of us can recall what we were discussing at the time, but we both remember me pausing to ask if Aimee understood what I was saying.
“Know what I mean?”
“— I thought I did!”
You maybe had to be there, but it still makes us laugh, and is a great reminder that not being on the same page can be fun too!
Photo by Benjamin Wedemeyer at Unsplash.
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