Gum on My Shoe

It is possible to try too hard, from the mistaken belief that the more we do for someone the better we are helping them. This can leave us physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Worse, we can lose sight of the essential purpose of support, which is to help someone help themselves. Doing too much, too often, or inappropriately invites the other person to become dependent on us. This is disempowering, and if left unchecked can develop into an unhealthy codependency. No matter how selfless we imagine ourselves to be—and selflessness is neither healthy nor sustainable—being a supportive friend or caregiver can play to our needs as much as to the other person’s. It can feel wonderful to be needed, and if our friend’s illness is chronic we have set ourselves up with a supporting role for the long term. Ask yourself the following questions. Do you feel proud or protective of your role as a supportive friend? Who decides how much help—and what kind of help—your friend needs? ...

As I walked along Northumberland Street headed for Newcastle’s Mental Health Day event at Grey’s Monument, my mind went back more than two years to my first engagement with Time to Change , England’s biggest programme to challenge mental health stigma and discrimination. I first registered an interest with Time to Change in November 2013, and attended a get-together evening at the Crisis Cafe later that month. I enjoyed the evening, but left feeling unsure whether I had the skills and experience to contribute to what Time to Change and the other organisations and individuals I had met were doing. This was no reflection on the warmth of the welcome. Rather, it was a voice inside me that told me I was not yet ready to engage fully. At that time, Fran and I had been friends for two and a half years. Despite living on opposite sides of the Atlantic I’d supported her through episodes of mania and depression, and accompanied her virtually through a gruelling three month trip around Euro...

The reason I write about invisible illness is because this is the biggest part of my world. The reason I share it on my social media, rather than only in my blog or in a closed group is because my biggest desire and fervent passion is for us all to talk about it outloud, upfront, in the mainstream. That is where it is spoken about least due to stigma and shame. Too many people have died from lack of talk, lack of connection, and lack of understanding. We who are ill have had to hide behind closed doors for way too long. Since I’ve lost everything short of my life I am no longer afraid. There is nothing left to lose but life itself. I am indeed a lucky one to still be alive. Fran  

When you ask me the seemingly simple question “How are you?” I have no simple answer. I find myself boiling down my three complicated, chronic, incurable illnesses to mood, fatigue, and pain to make it easier for you to deal with. Sometimes I reply FINE. This is an acronym for Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. That way I can be gracious, and honest. The last thing I want to incur is worry, and upset you, because then I would have to take care of you. I have little energy for that. Over twenty years’ experience has taught me that over and over and over. Understanding the insides of invisible illness is not for the faint hearted. Perhaps the following will help bring some clarity and understanding. Here is the menu. Use it like a food menu where you pick and choose what you would like to have accompany you in your day. Know that not only is every day different, but these symptoms can change in a flash. Remember those of us who are sick don’t have a choice. Choose your s...

I often have to live from afar. It may be that I am too fragile for company or live events. The overstimulation could be disastrous. It may be that I have been removed from a relationship or even a group. They may have deemed me unfit for social interaction because of behaviors and dialog exhibited during periods of mental illness. ​Or I simply said ‘no’ one too many times. Especially in these times I am grateful for technology and social media. Since I enjoy concerts I make my own using YouTube, Pandora, Soundcloud. I meditate sometimes quietly, sometimes with music, sometimes guided. I also use YouTube to quiet intense insomnia. Facebook is a haven for staying alive. It’s like Cheers. And you don’t have to have a drink or even get out of bed. Skype keeps me tight with my best friend who lives on the other side of the world. Yes all these things can be addictive but only if you make them so. For me technology helps my heart grow. Fran