Gum on My Shoe

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave. The first ten posts are here . Days eleven through twenty are here . You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it got there. Fran   Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 21 Invisible illness doesn’t just mean you have an illness that can’t be seen, it means friends disappear and then you do.. ‪#‎endthestigma‬ Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 22 Sitting on my favorite bench on the back shore letting the ocean get inside me.. Taking responsibility. Taking strength. Early on I stopped blaming everyone and everything for my i...

I was going to write today but I didn’t have my special pen with me. I was going to write today but my favourite table at the café was taken. I was going to write today but I was interrupted by my friend messaging me. I was going to write today but I was busy searching online for the perfect journal to write in because these things are important to a writer. I was going to write today but I wasn’t sure anyone would be interested in what I had to say. I was going to write today but I was scared I would upset someone. I was going to write today but I was scared I wouldn’t upset anyone. I was going to write today but the moment wasn’t right. I was going to write today but my idea seemed too trivial to bother with. I was going to write today but my idea seemed too huge to get my head and words around. I was going to write today but—whatever. I was going to write today but I had to go get groceries. I was going to write today but I couldn’t find my brave. I was going to write today but th...

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave. The first ten of my posts are here . This page has days eleven through twenty. Days twenty-one through thirty-one are here . You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it got there. Fran   Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 11 I get upset when people feel they are entitled to argue with my reality or tell me what to do or speak down to me because I live with illness. I have my own wisdom, my own intelligence, my own value system. When I first became ill I sought any advice from anyone in any fashion in quite a desperate way I’m...

Saturday 14th May, 2016 Dear Fran. It is 11:30 a.m. here at Caffé Nero. 6:30 a.m. with you. My favourite corner table. My favourite time of the week. I’ve had something to eat and one coffee already. My second coffee—large black Americano, one extra shot—is close to hand. Normally I’d be looking forward to a call with you about now but that will be late today because you have Laurel staying. We’ve chatted, though. In fact, I am chatting on and off with you on my phone as I write this letter! I used to sit in coffee shops wishing I had someone to meet up with. Now, this place is my social hub. With friends online and friends face to face I meet and chat and share and talk and laugh here, regardless of geographic distance. What changed? You entered my life! In the five years since we became friends I have opened up enormously. Opened to you, opened into our friendship, but also opened to let others in, opened to let myself out. Our friendship has been and is transformative for both ...

At the end of April I realized May would be Mental Health Month. I looked forward to seeing loving energy and attention being brought to those of us who struggle. Inside, my heart leapt. It wanted to contribute. It dawned on me that I could use my words and be vulnerable about things I deal with. I hesitated a bit because frankly that is scary and I would have to be brave. Here are the first ten of my posts. Days eleven through twenty are here . Days twenty-one through thirty-one are here . You can click the title of each one to see where I posted it originally on Facebook, and the comments it got there. Fran   Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 1 may is mental health awareness month.. more mind full more heart full less hurt full be.. ‪#‎endthestigma Here’s my bit ‪#‎mentalhealthmonth‬ may 2 Not sure how many of you have noticed, but I have not been posting much lately. When I am not strong I have few words and little faith. I withdraw because I...

Trigger Warning: suicide and self-harm When I was just a little kid I could see them . . . and hear them. I was so confused. They would stand by my bed at night time, watching me, talking to me. It was terrifying. I surrounded myself with stuffed animals to keep myself safe from them. I was so scared of them I wouldn’t even get up to pee, so I wet my bed instead. Sometimes they found me during the day too, that was less scary. I would talk to them then. They told me that they were dead. I saw these people on and off for a very long time. For the longest time I didn’t tell anybody about it. I was confused about why only I could see them and not anyone else. So I said nothing. I see less of them now. I’m so sedated that my mind can’t manage it I suppose. Thoughts of suicide started to enter into my mind at a very young age. I remember when I was about 10 years old, drying the dishes after dinner and thinking about what it would be like to hurt myself with one of the knives. It was ...

When you find that special person that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have to consider a lot of factors. If you are bipolar, the list of considerations changes quite a bit. Should you tell that person up front? Will it scare them away? What if you don’t tell them, and you experience depression, anxiety, even mania? I know in my situation, I met a couple of guys before I met my husband, and I was always brutally honest. I never kept my condition from anyone. I was sure to make it clear that there was nothing easy about my situation, and there would be ups and downs. If the discussion ever warranted, I also made sure that they knew that kids were not in my future. Some seemed to think they could handle it, but truthfully couldn’t. The first time my depression kicked in, they stopped calling. Others were long gone before I finished the words, bipolar disorder. Joe was different from the start. He was kind and caring. He seemed to accept my issues. He came...

There are those who are lucky. Their rivers have scarcely any stones. They live a life of luck and ease. Golden they are. There are those who aren’t. Their rivers rage and toss with leaks in their boat. They scream silently and sink to the rock bottom. I live a river wild, a river free, for when the storms come my back leans into the wind, my front accepting, soft yet strong, my face gleaming with mona lisa smile, steady eyes seeing the prize, character arise. Fran