Gum on My Shoe

I have lived with bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia for over twenty years. For a long time I was full of rage, and sought any kind of fixing. I went to the woods of Maine for a year to find my baseline. What I found was acceptance, within myself. My illnesses were no longer a problem. Coming back into the world was much more difficult. I suffered stigma, rejection, and horrible ostracization, especially when I was in full blown mania and most needed help, despite precisely following doctors’ orders and taking all steps for self-care. I would get so mad about people’s misunderstanding me and what I was dealing with. In time, I began to focus on the tiny bits that were good in my life, without expectation. Funny thing is, those tiny bits grew. Now, I have a small circle of diehard friends, and an ever widening circle of those who get it. As Brené Brown says, “Don’t try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” Thanks Brené!!! Fran ...

Snow and cold may be outside but inside the bright light warms me luxuriously, my own personal sun. It kisses me, long and luscious, forgiving my pajamas and seeming slothfulness. Basking in its smile I am renewed and mended. It’s as if each ray resuscitates my every cell. I am the kindling ignited and invited graciously into the fire of life. Fran  

These things I do. They are not always me. Like when I talk too fast. Or too loud. Or post too much. Or think in loops. Or forget everything. Or pee a lot. Or look like I’m drunk. Or runny nose. Or can’t hear. Or can’t sleep. Or can’t walk. I am not trying to be difficult. And it’s not like I’m not trying. I have illness. This is a very short list of my symptoms and side effects. They vary day to day. Managing them is like riding a dragon. Please be kind. Fran  

Big revelation. Just because someone says something about me or to me does not mean it’s true. I don’t need to put the red dress on just because someone wants me to wear it. Not only that, I don’t need to react in anger or even at all. I need not process it ad nauseum. And I don’t even have to dignify it with a response. I can simply step aside and give space. Perhaps lots and lots of space. My life, time and energy are precious. So are yours. Fran  

My deep gratitude for all those who never gave up on me during all my holiday-hating years. You all deserve jingles and bells and snowflakes and carols and pressies and happiness. When one has mental illness it’s nearly impossible to feel anything but gloom or death or anger. Fortunately I have friends who are fierce with their friendship. They see the tiny glow inside me and gently fan it. Because of them today I feel alive and strangely jolly and hopeful. May everyone have friends who let us stand on their feet without flinching, and let us chance a look through their eyes to taste joy.. Fran  

I often forget.. Years ago Months ago Weeks ago Days ago Hours ago Even minutes.. So many times I can’t access the pathways in my brain to take me to memories I’ve lived. I can’t access names or even faces. Photos help, Facebook helps, writing helps. My best friend logs a calendar for me and reminds me of things forgotten. He often reminds me who I am.. Fran  

Success with my test run of garlic mashed potatoes! It is amazing even that I am in the kitchen. I feel completely incompetent. I am petrified of cutting myself, which I did. I struggle to focus. I have to keep reminding myself of what I am doing and what’s next. Besides my neurons misfiring I am full of fatigue and everything hurts. None of this needs to be a problem. I just gently go in slow motion not pushing myself beyond the turtle speed I am at. The accomplishment feels monumental and need not be compared with those who are gifted. Npr helps. It offers a feel of intelligence and company. Fran