A Quiet Seat at the Table: Eight Ways to Help Your Introverted Friend Enjoy Your Event

Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas.

— Susan Cain

A few months ago I shared a post inspired by Fran’s approach to things she’s unsure or anxious about. It wasn’t a theoretical exercise for me. As I mentioned in the article I’d been invited to a wedding in April. “I’m already anxious about it,” I confessed. “But it means a lot that my friends want me there and I’m looking forward to celebrating their day with them.”

Social anxiety isn’t fun. And it’s not only weddings. I’ve felt anxious attending funerals, parties, mental health events (I’m aware of the irony), even get togethers with friends. If the plans involve more than two other people it’s a safe bet I’ll be uneasy about it beforehand. I called it social anxiety but I can be more specific. It’s the conversations that are the issue. I’m generally okay talking one-to-one. But as soon as there’s a third person in the mix, or the conversation turns to topics I know nothing about, I go very quiet. Sport. Travel. Music. Movies. The subjects people resort to in social situations baffle me. I have nothing to contribute. I’m in awe of people who can “do the social thing.” My friend Aimee is a great example. I’ve been at parties and events where I’ve felt utterly inept and watched her engage with just about anyone and everyone. I don’t know if it comes as easily to her as she makes it appear, but to me it’s as beautiful to watch as it is unfathomable.

Extrovert Muscles

I’ve never really thought of myself as an introvert but the following description by American writer Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, fits me well.

[Introverts] listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror for small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.

Fran describes herself as an introvert but fares better than I do in social situations. “That’s because I’ve worked very hard at my extrovert muscles,” she explained. “I am an introvert but in order to function in this world you need to be a little bit of an extrovert.” There’s something in that, I think. I asked what helps when she’s at a social event. “I play the game of remembering names,” she told me. “That helps because I’m not focused on my anxiety. I’m focused on remembering names.”

Another friend considers herself both introvert and extrovert. “Some people that know me would say I’m an extrovert,” Louise told me. “Because I have a lot of people I see and talk to and care about and do things with. [...] However I also love being in my house on my own, reading in silence, watching my tv shows on my own with my cats, going abroad on my own, shopping on my own, lone walks, etc. So I kind of think I fit both ends of the spectrum. I love my introvert days as much as the opposites.”

Eight Ways You Can Help

It’s my responsibility to handle my social anxiety. But if you’re planning an event there are a few things you can do to increase the odds of me accepting your invitation and feeling happy that I did. Most come down to a little forward thinking and reminding yourself that not everyone enjoys being around other people for hours at a time, even people they would feel comfortable with in other circumstances. This isn’t an unusual or unprecedented ask. If you have a friend who has a food allergy or specific dietary needs you’d consider that when planning the catering. If one of your guests uses a wheelchair you’d make sure the venue is accessible. Your anxious or introverted guests will appreciate that you considered them in your planning. No list will work for everyone but here are eight things I find helpful, using my friends’ wedding as an example. That’s not because it was especially problematic for me. Quite the contrary. Jack and Spencer did just about everything right!

1. Plenty of Notice, Please

The earlier I’m invited the better. This might sound counterintuitive. Surely it means I have more time to feel anxious? That’s true but having plenty of notice allows me to manage my anxiety gradually rather than all at once. Jack and Spencer announced their wedding months ahead of time which was brilliant for me. An early “Save the Date” card was followed by the formal invitation giving full information.

2. Where and When?

I need to know where and when the event is happening. A map might be useful but I can work from the venue name and address. Please list all locations if there’s more than one. That’s often the case with weddings and funerals, but sometimes also with less formal events such as work socials and Christmas parties. There was only one venue for Jack and Spencer’s wedding. The invitation set out clearly when guests were to arrive, the start time for the ceremony, and when the day’s activities would end.

3. How Do I Get There?

It’s my responsibility to arrive on time but please make it as easy for me as possible. Public transport information is useful. Parking is my number one stressor if I’m driving anywhere. Knowing I can park at or close to the venue makes a huge difference. Once again, Jack and Spencer were on point, making clear there was ample parking for guests at the wedding venue. I’m local but they thoughtfully included several nearby hotels for guests travelling from further afield.

4. What’s Going to Happen?

It helps to have an idea of what’s going to happen on the day. I don’t need a minute-by-minute schedule but approximate times for the different phases or activities are much appreciated. For a wedding that might include the drinks reception, the ceremony itself, the photographs, the wedding breakfast, and the start and end of any evening activities.

5. Who Else Will Be There?

How many people are you expecting and will I know anyone? If there’s a sit down meal who will I be sharing a table with? I’d met a few of Jack and Spencer’s relatives and friends before and very much appreciated being seated with people I knew. It’s worth pointing out that not knowing people isn’t the main issue for me. My anxiety would have been as great if I’d known everyone really well.

6. What Do I Have to Do?

Tell me what you need me to do, both in advance and on the day. Jack and Spencer were very clear about this. The invitation included how and when to reply and what information they needed from me. (I was a little tardy in my RSVP and was chased up very gently by Jack!) There were suggestions regarding gifts which I also appreciated. Dress code wasn’t mentioned. That’s arguably unnecessary for a wedding but it could be relevant in other situations. I attended a funeral last year and it was made very clear in advance that there was no specific dress code.

7. Can I Say No?

An invitation is a gift and true gifts are offered without obligation. Allow your friends, introverted or otherwise, to decline if they need to. I was delighted to be invited to the wedding and accepted willingly knowing I’d have my usual anxieties to manage. On the other hand, I felt able to decline their pre-wedding activities without feeling judged for doing so or having to justify my decision. It’s not always that way. Many years ago I attended a memorial to celebrate the life of a dear friend. I’ll never forget the disdain one person expressed for a mutual friend who’d chosen not to be there on the day. Don’t do that. You don’t know what people are dealing with or how they feel. Not attending doesn’t mean you don’t care.

8. Can I Be Me?

If I accepted your invitation I want to be there, even if I’m sitting quietly in a corner. Being quiet doesn’t mean I’m not having a good time. Jack and Spencer’s engagement party was a great example. I knew hardly anyone there. After a little polite conversation I found myself sitting quietly, watching everything go on around me. I was content, and relieved that no one attempted to drag me into conversations I’d have struggled to maintain. Allowing your guests to be who and how they are is a true blessing.

So How Did it Go?

My anxiety had grown steadily in the days running up to the event and peaked an hour or so before I set off from home. I arrived on time, though, and took the first available parking space, grateful that I didn’t need to manoeuvre into a more awkward spot. I found a few people I knew. It was good to see them but as I’d known it would, the conversation soon turned to subjects I know nothing about. Rather than stand around looking useless I went off to aquaint myself with the layout of the place, specifically where the toilets were. Thanks to Allan for pointing me in the right direction. (“Behind that tree!”)

Despite my misgivings I had many short but pleasant conversations with the other guests. Safe topics included how amazing the venue was, how we knew or were related to Jack and Spencer, whether and where we’d met previously, and the weather. That last one sounds weak but it was peculiarly relevant. In short succession we were treated to sunshine, light rain, heavy rain, and an impressive episode of hail. Lacking Fran’s ability to hold information on her fingers, I jotted down names in the notes app on my phone. I also took a photo of the seating arrangements which helped orient me when it came to the meal.

Fran was a great support ahead of the event and held my hand via instant messages on the day itself. She was delighted when I video called her after the meal to thank her and show her around. She even got to congratulate Jack and Spencer in person, something I hadn’t planned. I hope they were as happy to have my phone and Bluetooth headset thrust in their faces as Fran was talking to them from the other side of the Atlantic. As she said to me afterwards, “I bet they don’t have any other virtual guests!” I think she was right, though it’s not uncommon these days for people to attend from far away. I was at a funeral last year where one member of the family joined the ceremony at the graveside via video link from Australia.

My key takeaways from the day were the few very real and genuine conversations I had. I’m especially grateful to Diane, Allan, and Colleen for helping me feel part of things and less adrift than I might otherwise have been. I felt safe opening up about my social anxiety as well as other aspects of my life and interests. That rarely happens with people I’m not already close to. As well as being one of my closest friends, Aimee was Maid of Honour and had been deeply involved with the planning of the entire celebration. Her speech remains my dearest memory of the day. It was the ultimate proud bestie moment!

My final thank yous go to Jack and to Spencer. I was honoured that you invited me to share in your special day. As I hope is clear from this post you did just about everything right in making it a welcoming and inclusive occasion. I wish you all happiness and success in your new life together as Mr and Mr Wilson.

Afterword

It’s important to take time after a social event to recharge your batteries. My friend Jen expressed this perfectly. “I have to de-socialize after I’ve socialized,” she told me. I was exhausted by the time I got home. The next day I took myself out for coffee in the morning and spent much of the rest of the day relaxing at home. Journaling is part of how I process what’s going on for me. I filled six A5 pages recording my experiences, with several more in the days that followed. Working on this piece has also been helpful, as have the conversations I’ve had with various friends, Fran and Aimee in particular.

Over to You

In this blog post I’ve described how anxious I get before social occasions and shared eight ways you can help your introverted or socially anxious guests feel more at ease. Do you consider yourself an introvert? Do you thrive in social situations or find it hard to enjoy yourself with groups of people? What helps? What doesn’t? If you’re planning a wedding or other event were my suggestions helpful? How are you taking your introverted or socially anxious guests into account?

As always, Fran and I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas, either in the comments below or via our contact page.

 

Photo by Soulseeker Creative Photography at Unsplash.