Q: Why Are Questions So Hard For Me to Answer?

I would rather have questions that cannot be answered than answers that cannot be questioned.

— Richard Feynman

This post was inspired by a conversation with my friend and fellow blogger Aimee Wilson. Aimee said she likes question and answer posts because the structure makes them easier to put together. I agreed but said I find it hard actually answering the questions. Aimee seemed surprised. “But we’ve done them together and you’ve always done really well!” It’s true. We’ve collaborated on several Q&A posts here at Gum on My Shoe and on Aimee’s blog I’m NOT Disordered. I’ve used the format on other occasions too, including Every Grey Hair Is a Badge in response to fifteen life prompts by Holly Hatam. That doesn’t mean I find them easy or straightforward.

The conversation left me wondering where my issues might lie. Aware of the irony of using the Q&A format to explore my problems answering questions, I reached out to ChatGPT. “I find Q&As challenging to answer,” I prompted. “Compose ten questions to help me understand why this is.” I present the questions unedited. The answers are all my own.

The Questions and the Answers

1. When I’m asked a question, what is my immediate reaction (e.g., stress, blank mind, overthinking)? Why might that happen?

It depends on the context. At work it’s likely to be a technical question, in which case I begin by making sure I understand what I’m being asked. That may involve asking questions of my own. What precisely do you need from me? Is there a deadline? After that I’ll figure out my best route to the answer and whether or not I need to involve other people or teams. With friends I’m generally at ease no matter what I’m being asked. Whether it’s face-to-face, on a call, or in chat I’ll ask for clarification if I’m unsure what’s being asked. I’ll also assert my boundaries in the (unlikely) case the answer involves something I’m uneasy sharing with them. I’m most likely to stumble in interview-type situations where I’m being judged on how I perform. My mind tends to freeze or go blank because my instinctive — and honest — response is very unlikely to be what the interviewer is looking for.

2. Do I struggle more with certain types of questions (open-ended, technical, personal)? What patterns do I notice?

I struggle if I’m asked how I feel about something or how I’m feeling generally. I realised a couple of years ago that this is due to something called alexithymia. It’s a personality trait characterised by difficulty in identifying and communicating feelings. It’s something I lived with most of my life without realising it had a name. The everyday opener “How are you?” stumps me. I usually answer “I’m good.” It’s not necessarily a lie but it rarely conveys the full picture. I answer that way either because I’ve no idea how to convey what I’m feeling or because I don’t want to get into a conversation about it.

3. What thoughts go through my mind while I’m trying to answer a question? Are they helpful or distracting?

This is a good question! What thoughts are going through my mind right now as I try to answer it? Mostly I’m casting about to see if an answer presents itself, which doesn’t seem to be happening! I’ll press on anyway. At work, I’d probably be thinking about what information was most relevant to the question. I’m good at spotting patterns and breaks in patterns. The latter often leads me to the answer with technical questions, especially the “what just happened?” / “why did it break?” kind. We get a lot of those!

More generally, I tend to scan my thoughts and memories for information or experiences relevant to the question. If that doesn’t help I’ll do my best to empty my mind of thoughts and assumptions, allowing my subconscious to suggest a way forward. A good example of this is if I’m trying to remember someone’s name. I clear my mind and recite the alphabet slowly to myself. That’s often enough for the name to come to me. If not, I pay attention to any letters which “catch” my attention in some way, and return to them afterwards. It’s surprisingly effective!

4. Do I feel pressure to give a “perfect” or “correct” answer? Where does that pressure come from?

Not really. I’m looking to give the best or most useful answer in the circumstances. I don’t believe in perfect or one-size-fits-all answers. Life is complex. What’s right or true for me may be wrong, inadequate, or inappropriate for someone else. Even when I’m answering for myself, the answer may vary depending what’s going on for me at the time. It’s another reason why “How are you?” is such a difficult question for me to answer honestly.

5. How comfortable am I with saying “I don’t know” or asking for clarification? Why?

I’m comfortable with this in a person-to-person situation but it’s not possible with pre-written questions. I find myself prefacing answers with “On the assumption the question means w, my answer is x. If it means y, my answer is z. If otherwise, I have no idea.” I come across this a lot with staff surveys at work. The questions are often poorly written and open to interpretation. I complete them when required — they tend to be mandatory — but my answers bear little resemblance to how I actually feel or think. It’s not a format that works for me at all.

6. Do I find it difficult to organize my thoughts into words, or is the challenge more about understanding the question itself?

I touched on comprehension in the previous question. I’ve also mentioned alexithymia. I find it difficult to identify (label) what I’m feeling and thus I struggle to communicate it to someone else. Fran uses a four category system in which emotions are summarised as mad (angry), sad, glad, or afraid. That helps but conveys little of the fine detail. Alexithymia doesn’t mean I don’t feel emotions. I do. Often intensely. It just means I find it hard to describe what I’m feeling. This may lead people to think I’m lacking in emotions, simply because I don’t talk about them much. I’m more at ease talking about what I’m doing than how I’m feeling. Emotions aside, I’m confident at organising my thoughts into words, though I’m likely to “take the scenic route” and use more words than strictly necessary.

7. Have past experiences (school, work, social situations) influenced how I respond to questions? How?

I always performed well with exam questions at school and university. I revised thoroughly and had few issues in the exam itself. Things are very different in the workplace. I’m good at my job but useless at interviews or formal assessments. I always have been. Past experiences where I’ve performed poorly in interviews definitely colour my attitude to them now. As to social situations, I’ve always struggled in conversation with more than one other person, two at the most. I have little to offer on most socially acceptable topics. I’m not remotely interested in sport or travel and I’m not up on current trends in music or movies. My lack of confidence is at the root of my social anxiety.

8. Do I tend to overthink my answers or second-guess myself? What triggers that?

Another good question! I daresay I overthink, though that depends what’s meant by the term. How much thinking is overthinking? We might do better to think more about our answers than less! That raises something important that I’ve not touched on so far. I often struggle to identify what’s actually being asked of me, because I’m aware of the arbitrary nature of language. Words mean what we use them to mean. There’s no guarantee a given word means the same to you as to me. Regret is a good example. “Is there anything you regret?” would be difficult for me to answer. There are things I’ve done or not done, said or not said, that I’m not at all happy or easy with. In a similar situation today I’d look to behave differently. That’s what people generally mean by regret, I think. So on that basis, yes there are things I regret. But the word is meaningless to me. I can’t go back and do differently than I did. I reckon most people reading this would say I’m overthinking this!

9. How do I feel about being judged based on my answers? Does that affect how I respond?

I’ve mentioned examinations and interviews already. I always performed well at the former, appallingly badly at the latter. I don’t believe question and answer exercises accurately assess someone’s nature, personality, or abilities beyond their ability to answer those kinds of questions to the satisfaction of the examiner or interview panel. I’ve stayed in essentially the same role and at the same pay grade for decades because I loath the interview process in principle and know how poorly I’d perform. On a personal level, I recognise that no matter how I express myself I’m going to be judged one way or another, whether formally or informally. That does affect how I answer and project myself in certain situations but don’t think that’s necessarily bad or unhealthy.

10. What would answering questions feel like if it were easy for me? What would I be doing differently?

I’m in awe of people who are able to answer questions openly and easily, especially in social situations. My friend Aimee is like that. If I found answering questions easier I think it would feel more like it seems to do for her. I’d hesitate less on my answers. I’d feel more confident in situations where I’m being asked for my opinion. I’d probably prepare more than I do for scheduled meetings or appointments. If I’d been that way in the past it’s likely I’d have been promoted several times over the years. I’d be working at a higher level professionally and earning considerably more money. I’d feel more confident generally.

What Have I Learned from This Exercise?

I invited ChatGPT to ask me ten questions to help me understand why I find Q&As challenging to answer. I’ve done my best to answer as openly and honestly as I can. What, if anything, have I learned in the process? Has it been helpful? More questions. (So many questions!)

The first thing to say is that I found this Q&A as challenging as any other. I set it aside for several weeks, allowing myself to be distracted by other blog posts and activities. Picking it up again felt like a chore, a task to be performed rather than something I was looking forward to. That’s quite unusual. I’m generally engaged and keen with my blogging, especially when I’m exploring personal, deep, or difficult topics. That in itself convinced me of the value of the exercise. If something is that off-putting it’s a sure sign it deserves my attention!

It’s confirmed for me that my main issues arise when I’m answering written questions. Much of that difficulty comes down to a lack of clarity and understanding. I find it hard to know exactly what I’m being asked or how to relate the question to my thoughts, feelings, and experience. This is less of a problem when I’m talking with someone face-to-face or in chat because I can ask for clarification and adapt my answers accordingly.

That doesn’t fully explain my issues with interviews, however. They are face-to-face and yet the very thought of being interviewed would put me off applying for any new role at work, or indeed outside my present employ. In this case, my problem is more to do with the interview process itself, witnessed second-hand as friends and colleagues have navigated it. Some successfully, others less so. I’m unsure how to address that. There’s no imperative to do so at this stage in my career. I have no more than a couple of years in my current job before I retire and I’m not looking to change roles or seek promotion. It could hold me back if I want a job post-retirement, though.

On the whole, I’m glad to have challenged myself to do this Q&A exercise. It’s something I might return to in the future.

 

Photo by Julia Taubitz at Unsplash.